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is it possible to remain friends w/ someone who rarely wants to hang out?

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pres2032 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 12:39 AM
Original message
is it possible to remain friends w/ someone who rarely wants to hang out?
Edited on Fri Jan-28-05 12:41 AM by pres2032
I have a friend who has said basically the only time she wants to hang out is an occasional lunch, once a week, if i'm lucky. outside of that, we never talk and she avoids any requests to hang out that's not a meal.

just now i IM-ed her and she said she was tired (fine) and that we should talk later this weekend. so i said, so you wanna hang out or something this weekend? she replies with, maybe we'll do a meal next week.


how the hell can this friendship survive?? is it possible? or is it time to end it?
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DeposeTheBoyKing Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 12:40 AM
Response to Original message
1. I say cut it off
Don't waste your time on someone who seems not to want to make more of an effort. Life is too short.
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pres2032 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 12:43 AM
Response to Reply #1
2. what sucks is, we were once very close
mind you it never went beyond friends, but we once considered eachother our best friend. then in september, i guess she had enough and that's when she put the limit on.
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Maddy McCall Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 01:15 AM
Response to Reply #2
10. Are you guys freshmen?
Edited on Fri Jan-28-05 01:17 AM by Maddy McCall
I'd guess that she made new friends, and felt like she didn't need an old one.

Is this the kind of friendship you want to preserve?

Edited to add--If she's a serious student, she may be overwhelmed by the work load. Happens to lots of freshmen.
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pres2032 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 01:38 AM
Response to Reply #10
12. haha, seniors actually
i've known her for a couple years already.
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HEyHEY Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 12:45 AM
Response to Original message
3. Wierd
If not for the "meal" thing all the time I'd say sure..but that's strange.

Maybe she just really likes the yakking over a meal thing :shrug:
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DulceDecorum Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 12:46 AM
Response to Original message
4. As Bette Midler said
"why bother?"

It does not sound as if she has any legitimate reason for not wanting to hang out with you.
If she was in college and it was finals week,
then she kinda has a right to blow you off,
but this doesn't seem to be the case.

So check out some of the lovelies right here in your neighborhood.

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pres2032 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 12:52 AM
Response to Reply #4
6. we're both in college
and i understand her being busy, as i am too, though not as much. though when she is free and i suggest that we do something she either changes the subject or just avoids answering.
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Maddy McCall Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 01:13 AM
Response to Reply #6
8. She's telling you she doesn't want to hang out with you without saying it.
Find friends who want to hang out. There are a ton of groups and orgs in college--join some. Have you joined your College Democrats group yet?
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LeftyMom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 12:51 AM
Response to Original message
5. Life is too short
to waste on people who don't want to devote any effort to a relationship. It sucks to be blown off like that, maybe she has other issues that you don't know about?
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Maddy McCall Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 01:12 AM
Response to Original message
7. The friendship blow-off.
That's what's going on.

Maybe she needs space from you. Maybe you're too demanding of her. Maybe she's a bitch. Who knows?
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pres2032 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 01:43 AM
Response to Reply #7
13. heh, who knows
she started this back in september and i''m not the only one she's grown apart from. until september, things were great. she has a boyfriend and that was never an issue as we never came close to pushing that, really. then i quit a christian fellowship group, that she had gotten me to join, because i didn't agree with the stuff they were doing and two days later she annouced that she was cutting back our friendship.
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pres2032 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 01:43 AM
Response to Reply #7
14. dupe
Edited on Fri Jan-28-05 01:44 AM by pres2032
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GRLMGC Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 01:14 AM
Response to Original message
9. I'd say move on
It's her loss, not yours. You actually put time into your friendships and she obviously can't be bothered to do so.
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lady lib Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 01:31 AM
Response to Original message
11. Wait a second.
Do you two have fun during your once a week meal? Do you laugh, tell stories, have things in common? If the answers are yes, then by all means keep your friendship! She needs space right now for whatever reason. Respect her wishes and don't take it personally. There could be a thousand reasons that have NOTHING to do with you. It's time for you to get involved in other activities and make other friends so that you're not so reliant on her, but also recognize that each friendship is precious and unique in what it brings to your life.
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SarahB Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 08:29 AM
Response to Original message
15. Some people have really busy lives.
I guess you're both in college, so perhaps it's different, but if I had a friend where I met to have lunch with someone once a week, that would be a lot for me. In all honesty, I tend to be the type of person who gets together rarely with the people who are my friends either due to mismatched schedules or difficulty doing things without children, or just me being a person who needs my space. Everyone is different and it doesn't mean she doesn't like you or doesn't want to be your friend.
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Dorian Gray Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 08:49 AM
Response to Reply #15
16. Me, too, Sarah Belle....
I don't see my friends all that often. Usually I go out for dinner or drinks twice a week, so I try to work in my friends into that schedule. Which is difficult when your friends have their own lives.

But, we are in our thirties, with jobs, families, spouses, partners, and lots of crazy responsibilities.

In college, I saw my good friends every day. So, it sounds like she wants to back off for a reason. Is she feeling some interest from you that she doesn't want to reciprocate? Is she interested in another guy who may be jealous of her friendship with other men? Has she met new friends that she enjoys spending her time with? There could be a dozen reasons why she's drifting off. In college, I drifted away from my good male friends my senior year when I started dating someone. It's natural. Sad, in many ways. But, when you enjoy spending your time with someone so much, it can be difficult to break away and focus on your school work, all your friends, and all your responsibilities.

Regardless, I wish you luck! :) Ending friendships is always sad, but there are many that just naturally fizzle out... without a lot of pain.
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BlondieK143 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 09:03 AM
Response to Original message
17. Are you looking at what's REALLY going on?
Since I'm in a similar situation, I understand. Let me give you some perspective from the OTHER side. (not saying she's thinking any of this though). Lately, I've needed a lot of space from my friend Michelle. We used to be SUPER close (we're talking hanging out almost everyday), but now I work two jobs and she's in massage therapy school. Thing is, with Michelle, I feel we're on two different maturity levels (and I don't mean that in a Holier-than-thou way either). So sometimes (this may sound bad), I can only muster up enough energy to hang out once or twice a week. Don't get me wrong, she's like a sister, but my priorities are different from her's. She's still into the "if I don't have a guy, I'll die stage" (she doesn't worry about bills, still lives with parents). And I'm focusing on the future and financial stability.

I say all this because you never know what's going on for her. She may be overworked and feeling guilty for not being able to hang out. Or, she might just want to keep you at a distance. What you have to decide is whether or not your friendship with her is worth that much effort that you seem to be putting in. If it is, great! Have fun at the weekly meals and dish your hearts out! If not, simply tell her. Let her know you're there for her, but to risk yourself being hurt in the future, perhaps you need a full-time break.
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johnnie Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-28-05 09:08 AM
Response to Original message
18. You may as well get used to it now
I have a lot of friends that I used to hang out with that I see here and there these days. As you get older, more and more friends will end up this way. If you expect all your friends to hang out with you on a daily basis or even every other few days you might be a bit disappointed in your late 20s and into your 30s.
I say take what you can get at this time and don't worry about it. Some people just start to not want to "hang out" as much as time goes on.
Just my two cents.
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