12 year old boy and internet porn.

[Timefortruth]

Today I came home and needed to reference a page that I had used earlier and clicked on “history” to find it. Imagine my surprise to see about six hits for porn sites immediately after the last page I had visited (which was something like boringelectionstatistics.com). I have a pop-up blocker anyway so the kid is nailed, there is no way it was an accident.

The child appears to be heterosexual and the stuff he was looking at was, well, offensive and very graphic. Curiosity is natural but this is over the top. How annoying is nanny software and where do you find it? What does one do about a horny 12 year old?

[Fixated]

1. .....

While that seems young to me now that I'm 18, I recall finding porn at about 11-12 and never masturbating, just being intrigued because I knew so little about sex. What exactly was he looking at? Extremely explicit stuff, or just some naked chicks? Net Nanny, by the way, is a good program.

[Timefortruth]

2. Graphic photographs of intercourse.

preformed by people with abnormally sized body parts.

[Fixated]

3. ...

Well, welcome to Standard Porn. That's pretty much common on the 'Net (as in, he wouldn't have to specifically look that up to find it, just be looking for anything). Just get a Net Nanny and remember that in a couple years his sex drive is beyond your control.

[THUNDER HANDS]

5. I knew my site got a hit today!

sorry, couldn't resist.

:evilgrin:

[jenm]

33. guffaw

[anti_shrub]

6. Might have just been curiousity

I know I've stumbled across types of porn that don't do anything for me sexually, but I couldn't pull myself away from looking due to the "rubbernecking at a car wreck" phenomenon. I guess I couldn't believe what I was seeing and needed further proof!

[NashVegas]

35. Good Point

go back further into history, to see if this is a regular occurance. if it is, you need to talk to the kid.

otherwise, it's pretty normal for a 12 year old to look at porn, given the opportunity. if you make a big deal out of it, so will he.

it's also a great opportunity for you to have a talk with him, and point out that real people don't look like that when we have sex, what he's seeing on that page is show business and shouldn't be confused with the real thing.

i don't have kids; two of my dearest though, have an abnormally close, loving family with 3 kids and no internet filters. they were given "the talk" right up front and told they weren't going to be restricted as long as they used the net responsibly.

[musiclawyer]

67. Most guys like porn

Like me. But you really have to be mature enough to treat it for what is it. When kids get into it too young or immature, it can screw up their mindset and lead to things like abuse (of females) and addiction etc. Just talk to the kid and tell him when he's old enough to have his own place and pay his owm bills he can look on his own terms, but like everything else, it should be in moderation with with perspective.

[Papa]

4. Go to google for some answers...

Go to google and do a search for .. Parental Control Software...


You'll find numerous providers... A number of them will let you try before you buy, Like Cyber Patrol. I have never used parental control software so I can't tell you which one is good or bad...

Do a search on google for .. parental control software reviews .. to see what's good or bad.

if you have AOL, you can turn on the parental controls (if you didnt know they were there). Not much you can do aobut a horny 12 year old. Keep the PC out of his room and in a Main area.

good luck

[VaLabor]

7. ...

I imagine that "over the top" is a relative term. Curiosity at that age could very well drive a kid to look at the most bizarre stuff. If it's out there and available, a kid is going to find it. It's not as if he's looking for "over the top" stuff. If he's curious, he'll keep going until the curiosity is sated. And there's very little that will sate curiosity at that age. The best bet is net nanny software, I'm sure, to make it just simply unavailable.

For most of us growing up pre-PC and pre-internet, the closest we would ever get to porn was the lingerie section of the Sears catalog. I'm sure kids back then would venture as far as they could in tracking down porn. These days, there's just way too much stuff available. Sometimes Lieberman makes sense...

Just go easy on the kid. He knows not what he does - and even if he does, 99.9% chance he's not some budding perv.

Good luck!

[prolesunited]

8. Have you talked to him about sex

or given him age-appropriate books for his age. He's obviously curious and ready for some knowledge. If you don't talk to him in a caring manner in accordance with your beliefs, he will satisfy his curiosity elsewhere. I would start by pointing out most people don't look like what he saw in those pictures.

IMHO, Net Nanny probably isn't the answer. Information, facts and are. Open the lines of communication.

[Timefortruth]

13. All good points.

We have had some talks which go something like this,

Me: Sexual attraction is a powerful instinctive drive which carries with it enormous emotional luggage, yadayada….
Boy: Mom you are so gross, they talked about all that at health.

Guess it’s time to give the condom talk, isn’t it? But he isn’t physically mature at all so I thought that could wait.

[LadeJarl]

25. No kidding!

No wonder you don't get through to him!

If that is the way you talk, he is asleep before the end of you sentence! He couldn't care less about your "enormous emotional luggage".

You need to get down at his level to talk to him about sex. You need to find out what he actually knows (which can be alot or very little, can be hard to admit that you don't know much :) ), and then talk to him from his perspective, not from yours.

Using all of the "political correct" words is not going to get him aboard, nor to even want to listen to you.

Besides, I don't think he is going to be damamged by looking at some porn. I remember when I was 12, we were always looking for dirty magazines and it was really exciting. It's natural, all the boys do the same unless they are too religious, even them do it.

He sounds like a normal, healthy young boy to me.

[Blue_Chill]

59. Give him the talk my dad gave me

Dad - Son have you had sex.
Me - uh WTF?!!!
Dad- Well, have you???
Me - I'll go with no and you are scaring me.
Dad - Well if when you do have sex use a condom or else you will die. You will either die from disease, or you will have a child and the lack of sleep will kill you. So use it.
Me - uh ummm ok
Dad - Wanna get a burger?
Me - no.
Dad - Your loss

Dad leaves to get a burger.

[thom1102]

56. I agree...

I would also add that recent studies indicate that it is parental overreaction to the discovery of kids checking out porn that causes them to fixate on it. Talk to him in a non confrontational manner about his curiousity about sex, and push the "it's something that is special and should wait until you are ready for the responsibilities that are associated with sex," angle. Talk about pregnancy, birth control, and std's, and be supportive, while emphasizing that you are not condoning the use of pornography or him having sex. You might also talk to him about the humiliation many of the women in those pictures are subjected to (there are plenty of resources documenting the victimaization of women in the porn industry). Good luck!

[RC]

9. Have you talked to the kid?

Embarrassment will slow him down. His hormones are kicking in. He is curious.

Stuff like Net Nanny is for lazy parents. It tells your children that you do not trust them.

And he will see it as a challenge and make that 'evil' porn all the more attractive, which will make things worse.

[Robb]

10. Do be cautious with the blocking software...

...Read up at Peacefire.org. He's a little radical, but makes good points about the unintentional consequences of filtering... and second, don't panic. Just think back, and try to provide guidance when he asks.

[Timefortruth]

11. His “punishment” was being outed.

I showed him the history list and said that I will password protect the computer when I’m not home if I ever see anything like it again, and I will. He denied eveything. The problem is that I’ll never check again unless I have a reason, so nanny software it is.

[RC]

12. I would research the nanny stuff first,

before you spend any money. There is a better than even chance it will block DU because it is too far to the left.

[Darranar]

14. Really?

Do you have prior experience with this? Will those filters block DU?

[Fixated]

15. .....

You can usually choose what not to block.

[Timefortruth]

16. But how will you know what has been blocked

that you have never visited before but would want to see if you knew about it?

[prolesunited]

17. Of course he'll deny it

but if he's a good kid, sounds like he is, he won't do it again cause you're on to him. Does anybody else have access to the computer? Do his friends get on it?

[Timefortruth]

18. Not at that time.

Actually when his father asked him about it he gave up on the denial and simply simply said “ok” over and over (I was behind the door).

I had no doubt about the culprit. He is a good kid, definitely a future Democrat. I understand what he did was normal, but it is just totally inappropriate for a child that age to view what he did. What is he going to think when he doesn’t end up looking like that and the woman he loves has an A- cup?

[Fixated]

19. .....

Porn isn't evil. The kid will grow to understand the realities of sex. Everyone does, and it doesn't take much to seperate that from real life.

[Caution]

73. re-read your last statement

if he loves the woman a-cup or not wont matter. I woudl be much more concerned about the violence on television and the movies than viewing of a completely natural act (even if that act is performed by unnatural people!). Communication is the key, as long as your child understands that women and men are to be treated well and not to be viewed as objects, pornography is harmless to the viewer. There is nothing wrong with fantasies as long as the child has a strong grip on reality.

[Gringo]

28. Geez, you act like he was researching how to make molotov cocktails

He was looking at porn - LIKE EVERY TEENAGE BOY. It is normal, he will outgrow it.

[Guaranteed]

31. What do you mean "outgrow it?" hee hee n/t

[Interrobang]

61. Well, he could be telling the truth...

Unfortunately, there are some websites that you can hit by accident that will cause porn pop-ups based on adult sites to come up on your browser. Unfortunately, closing them causes the URL to go into the history, unless you're really, really computer savvy.

Personally, I would avoid nanny software like the plague. It has way too much of a connection to right-wing ideologues to make it acceptable to me. Then again, I don't have a 12 year old boy, or any kids at all, but I do distinctly recall kiting porn mags from the local variety store when I was roughly that age...

[WWW]

20. Well this is what I did

Being a kind of computer nerd, I told the kids first off that I could track anywhere anytime what site they were visiting. So they sneaked around and changed the history setting on the tools bar of explorer. But I said, I noticed that you erased your history of where you have been on the internet, but I can go (into the temp internet files, didn't tell them where) and find out everything you have posted, every site you have visited. You can't hide. Okay, cool Mom. I know there is an interest, which is very healthy. It is like looking up dirty words in a dictionary. Let it go, he is healthy, the computer is there and now he knows that you can track him. They'll sneak, but in my opinion that is very normal.

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

39. if you're REALLY smart...

you clear out the temp files too. Not like I've had any need to do that. I have my own computer and don't let my parents use it. :)

[WWW]

41. shhhh

don't let the kids know....

[The Backlash Cometh]

21. Nothing less than the full parental boom will do.

Net Nanny and complete e-mail blocker. Once you access one of those sites, there are self-propelling pop-up screens so you'll have to get creative about finding your start-up pages on your Windows program and browser. You'll also have to look for cookies. It's a horrible mess and it will wear on your nerves, especially when you realize that your child is being continually exploited by people that are beyond the reach of the law.

[amazona]

23. i'm afraid i have to agree

You can't let anyone look at porn on your computer, adult or child, because it does too much obnoxious stuff. Pop-up come-ons all over the place and sometimes their over-use of java script can cause your computer to crash. Unfortunately, while there are some porn people online who are courteous, it is not worth the risk to click on any porn site, because you never know who is going to cause a problem. The cookies stay on your hard drive unless you remove them. I had to scold one of my friends recently. He's over 40, and he's entitled to his perversions, but I don't need that sort of thing causing pop-ups and creating a false record of "my" interest in Japanese women putting the karate chop on men's nuts. Frankly, I probably didn't even need to know that such a hobby existed. And I certainly don't need it in my FBI file that this is "my" sexual interest...phew!!! I couldn't quite believe he was using my computer to view this material!


i'm speechless

[HEyHEY]

22. Salt peter

[cally]

24. I'm against the net nanny and other programs

I just assumed my teens would learn to bypass them and I did not want my teens to spend their time thwarting my rules. I just told them how I feel about it, my rules, and that I know how to check the history even if they remove it. I have girls so most porn sites are not as appealing to them but I held the same line on all the rest of offensive, to me, internet sites. My sister discovered her then 12 year old looking at porn several years ago. She told him he would lose much of his access to the computer and her trust if he used his computer for this. She also gave the lecture on how women don't look like that and that real relationships are not like what you see on porn sites. It seems to have worked.

You should definitely discuss birth control now and sexual desire. It is much easier to open the dialogue now then try to discuss it when he has a girlfriend and it seems you are telling them you expect them to have sex.

[ACK]

26. I was about 12 yrs old when I dad realized I had gotten into his porn

I will never forget what he said to me.

Dad: "You know about sex?"

Me: "uhh...Yeah" (I didn't but I was not having that discussion with him)

Dad: "Ok, your curious and that is cool but just remember two things.."

Me: "Yes, dad?"

Dad: "Put them back and I don't want to find any of the pages stuck together either."

(I had no frickin' idea what he meant about the pages thing.)

BTW, all that net nanny stuff will be way annoying when he tries to do reasearch. Look up some reviews from ZDnet and some of the other big sites to find the best rated and the one that will not cause you to crawl the walls when it starts blocking art sites with nudes and words that kind of almost sound like they might be dirty kind of things.

[Gringo]

29. Pretty much my experience too

I had stolen my own mag from the store. He came in my room when I was looking at it. I went to throw it out, scared to death, and he was like "no, keep it. It's okay. Every boy wants to look at that stuff. Just don't let your mom see."

I lost interest in porn when I started pursuing real women, as is the case with most guys. Why do women freak out about this stuff?

Lotta prudes here at DU, eh!

[Guaranteed]

34. Seriously!

Yeah my dad (AND step-dad- both ended up talking with me) just basically gave me the "you better not let the woman know" talk.
He's gonna look at the stuff. Guys are guys. And there's nothing wrong with porn.
Think about it this way: would you rather have him look at porn, or get a rep for hanging around the girls' bathroom at school too much?
'Nuff said.

[Interrobang]

62. I don't know why...

I used to steal porn mags from the local variety when I was 13 and 14 and such, and I stole the gay ones, because, as a young, heterosexual female, I wanted to look at naked MEN!

Personally, I think most women are creeped out by porn because they've been told over and over again (by society at large, probably), that porn is yucky, that wanting to look at (other people having) sex is dirty, and so on.

[Cheswick2.0]

64. with the assumption that you actually want an answer to your question

I lost my virginity at 13. I was raped by a man in his forties. This event caused me untold amounts of pain and grief in my life.
I concluded years later that he was probably sexualized at an early age by some adult in his life.

At the time all I knew was that the pornography he read (his was literary rather than pictoral) encouraged him to see me as a sexual object. It also encourage me to see myself as no more than a sexual object(my only worth in life).

While I am not a prude at all, I do think we do children no favors allowing them to think that sex is no more than huge body parts and anything goes behavior. They don't need to have seen and done it all by the age of 18. We rob them of a certain ability to respond sexually to normal loving relationships when we allow their childhood to end too early, either by neglect or by being afraid to act as parents rather than friends. There is nothing wrong with, in fact it is the obligation of parents to set limits on what message children get about what is healthy and what is not.

This stuff on the net is not the copy of Henry Miller we got a hold of as a kid or the fairly tame playboy some older child might have shown us. The stuff they can see is grotesque even to me.

I knew a man who had been so exposed to very graphic pornography as a teen, and who spent so much time masterbating to it, that he was incapable of enjoying sex unless there was graphic pornography involved. This is not healthy and it certainly doesn't improve his emotional relationships.

[marzipanni]

48. Great little story!

Reminds me of a sweet young man, my boyfriend when I was 24, who told me that his priest gave the boys at parochial school the lecture about "touching yourself inappropriately" when he was 12. He had never thought or heard of it before, so he went home from school that day and tried it!

[Gringo]

27. Buy him some porn mags.

Seriously. First of all, forbid all online porn, because that shit is impossible to get rid of. But you (or Dad, if you're the Mom) should get him some Penthouses, whatever, explain to him that masturbation is a healthy outlet, everybody does it - keep it private though. Make sure he knows that what's in those mags is not reality, real women need and deserve to be treated right, etc.

If you don't give it to him, he will get it. As a man, I know for a fact that EVERY boy gets it, whenever he can. It is NORMAL. The internet is just not a wise source. I have a 5 year old boy, and when he gets that age that is exactly what I'll do.

[Madrone]

30. Hell, I'm a woman

and I was interested in porn when I was young. It's such a forbidden taboo thing to young'uns - that makes it verrrrrrrrrry interesting.

In my day, however, it was someone's dad's hidden (or so he THOUGHT) stacks of Penthouse, Hustler and Playboy.

I don't however thing I will ever be buying my 12 year old son (if I had one) some magazines of that nature. That's just a little too weird for me!

Let him find his friend's dad's collection like I did when I was a kid, dammit!

[Xithras]

42. That's NOT healthy at 12

Sorry folks, but giving porn mags to a 12 year old and encouraging him to masturbate is the WRONG way to raise a child. Why? Because 12 year old boys tend to take "boundary lessons" from incidents like this, and they tend to be a bit immature when respecting the rights of others. Basically, by giving a 12 year old boy nudie mags and encouraging masturbation, you plant a seed in the boys mind that he has a right to sexual gratification whenever he feels like it. It can also go a long way towards fostering the viewing of girls as "objects" who are only interested in sex. While this typically isn't a problem at 12, a few years of this mindset can create problems when he starts interacting sexually with females. How will he respond to "No!" when he's used to getting what he wants when he wants it? There was a study done of juvenile inmates a few years back that showed two common threads among kids arrested for date rape and other sexual assaults: 1) Abuse by a parent 2) Exposure to hardcore pornography at too young an age.

Remember this: Unlike adult men and women, preteens tend to NOT hang out socially or play together, and they rarely understand what makes each other tick. I'm sure we can all remember life at 12, when the opposite sex was kind of a mystery and we were all curious about each other...but both sides were too nervous to approach each other yet. Introducing and encouraging the viewing of hardcore pornography at that age satisfies the curiosity, but it provides all the WRONG answers.

As a parent, it's important that he let his son know that sexual curiosity is normal, but that pornography is to be discouraged and blocked at all costs (even if that means installing filters that block DU). You should expect that the boy will see it anyway, and a parent shouldn't get too mad when they discover that the child did, because the point has already been imprinted on his brain: While pornography may be interesting, what you see in it isn't accepted as "normal".

When he gets a little older he'll be able to redraw his opinions of porn as needed, but at 12 he simply doesn't have enough understanding of the "subject matter" to draw ANY rational conclusions.

[Gringo]

43. Well, I basically disagree with everything you've said...

Especially:

"you plant a seed in the boys mind that he has a right to sexual gratification whenever he feels like it."

He does have a right to sexual gratification whenever he feels like it, so long as it's not disturbing others.

"How will he respond to "No!" when he's used to getting what he wants when he wants it?"

Like any normal man, he'll back off. If every boy who looked at porn at age 12 grew up to be a rapist, 95% of all men would be rapists. Believe me. You must be a woman, because your ignorance of male sexuality is astounding.

As a father, I will also do everything in my power to keep im involved in all kinds of wholesome activities - I don't want him sitting around jacking off 24/7.

Looking at naked people in a magazine doesn't cause boys to objectify women, only their bodies, and boys do that naturally, porn or no porn. I'm pretty confident that the loving environment and relationships of respect and love between our family will teach him to respect and be considerate of a woman's feelings.

While I disagree with your Andrea Dworkin/Dr. Laura-ish pop psychology, I agree completely that online porn is a major no-no. It can open the door for sexual predators, endless spam, all kinds of crap nobody needs.

My parents never gave me hang-ups about masturbation, and I turned out fine, and I treat my wife with the utmost respect.

[Xithras]

47. Disagree all you want, the studies support my position

The simple fact is, most 12 year old boys still think like children in that they have little empathy. While they may not directly try to hurt people, their driving force tends to be "whatever is best for me". ANY parent who's ever watched their kid try to play mom vs. dad to get their way, or who's watched their child throw an absolute hissy fit in public because they didn't get exactly what they wanted, should understand this point. Girls tend to outgrow this around 11 or 12. Boys mature a little later...around 14 or 15 typically.

Small children tend to see other people as objects...object to play with or interact with, but still, not quite the same as themselves. When we hit our early teen years, most of us begin to see the world a little differently and start to understand that our parents, friends, and teachers are people, with feelings, dreams, and lives just like ours.

12 year old boys aren't mature yet...they still put themselves above everything else and objectify EVERYONE they meet. By giving him porno mags, you create the false impression that girls are just sexual creatures craving "thick hard c*ck". Remember: they don't KNOW any better. Unlike you or I, they don't have any sexual or social history with girls. They don't understand what girls are really like, because they don't have any experience with them. When they read a made up Hustler article by some woman going on about how she wants to be "banged all night by 20 guys", 12 year old boys have nothing to reference that against and no way to know how unrealistic that is. Without that frame of reference, it is EXTREMELY easy for boys to get the wrong impression of what girls want...after all, in the magazines ALL the girls want is sex. You also need to remember that THIS is the age where most of our lifelong personality traits are firmly cemented. If a boy develops a twisted, objectified, or predatory view of girls at this age, it can be VERY difficult to correct it years down the line.

I have nothing against pornography when a person is mature enough for it (say, 15 or so), and I beleive that it can be a healthy outlet at that point in life. But presenting it TOO early, and 12 is definitely too early, CAN be damaging. I realize that to you I'm just some pixels on a screen, so let me recommend something before you start tossing porn at your boy: call a professional psychologist or two and ask THEIR opinion. I'd especially recommend calling psychologists who treat juvenile sexual predators and discuss with them the effects of porn on the immature mind.

Oh, and for the record: I'm a 29 year old bisexual MALE father of two who NEVER listens to Dr. Laura (neither a conservative nor a prude in any sense of the word...in fact, I've been flamed HERE ON DU for being too sexually liberal in the past). Also for the record: When she was 12, my sister was raped by a 13 year old friend of mine. When confronted by the police, he admitted that he'd been acting out something he'd seen in one of his dad's magazines, and that he "thought girls liked that kind of stuff". He spent what should have been his freshman year in high school mopping floors in the local juvenile lockup. I've seen firsthand the damage that misplaced sexual values can do to a young kid.

[regnaD kciN]

51. Wha...?

Basically, by giving a 12 year old boy nudie mags and encouraging masturbation, you plant a seed in the boys mind that he has a right to sexual gratification whenever he feels like it.

You mean we don't???

Seriously, everyone has the right to sexual gratification whenever he or she feels like it, as long as they're in a private situation. What they don't have is the right to make others participate in providing the sexual gratification for them if said others don't want to. Otherwise, there's nothing wrong with taking matters into your own hands.

:evilgrin:

[Cheswick2.0]

65. I agree that masterbation is normal and healthy

I just don't think kids need graphic (or otherwise)pornography to encourage them.

[Xithras]

71. Masturbation isn't the problem

It's the false attitudes about the opposite sex that can develop from viewing hardcore porn prior to developing a realistic understanding of the opposite sex. It's important for boys to have an understanding about the realities of sexual desire in girls before immersing themselves in the fantasy "every girl wants a 20 man gangbang" world of hardcore pornography. A 12 year old boy simply doesn't have the experience to understand that few girls are really like that, and it can lead to the development of unhealthy and abusive sexual attitudes.

As for masturbation itself...heck, I masturbated three times a day at 12 or 13 and I turned out fine ;-)

[DrBB]

32. Make him buy his own computer

...and pay for his own dial up. Then you won't have to worry about it.

I remember digging the stuff up when I was that age. Wow. Not as easy then, but not that hard either. I seem to have survived okay.

[populistmom]

36. I'd say keep the computer in a central or supervised area

I'm not one for filters personally. I know the internet stuff is over the top sometimes, but a little nudity isn't awful. I'd rather have my children see a naked person than someone being killed. I'm actually not opposed to the idea of giving him some porno mags, but it should probably come from dad rather than mom.
No internet when I was 12, but I used to sneak into my mom's room and read The Joy of Sex and Fear of Flying. It came in handy later.

[The Backlash Cometh]

38. Picture this ...

Your child has a friend over and they're sitting at the computer doing their usual IMing (Instant Messenger) with other friends, when suddenly pop-ups turn up showing graphic pornography -- not just nekkid pictures. And the pop-ups come up so quickly, that it's easier to shut the computer off, than it is to troubleshoot. The kids don't have to access the site. If an older brother accessed it earlier, a sort of virus downloads that propels the pop-ups at unexpected moments. And when it happens, not only your child, but the neighbor's child has been exposed to something that you would never allow willingly.

Suddenly, your child doesn't have a friend whose parent is willing to let them come over because the word gets around that you allow that kind of stuff in your household.

Not trying to convince you, mind you, just showing you the reality of the problem.

[populistmom]

40. Well, I suppose you're right

But, my kids usually play outside or play actual kid type games (Battle ship, Scrabble, etc) when their friends are over because the computer's in my bedroom and their friends wouldn't be allowed in there anyway. I suppose if I had to, I'd put in a filter. I guess I'm lucky it hasn't come to that yet.

[Fenris]

37. Being of the generation that was 12 when the Internet exploded

I think I can offer advice that may not necessarily be well recieved, but I think should be offered nonetheless.

Pornography is more or less person relative. Most parents would react the same way you did, and such a reaction is not at all unwarranted or inappropriate. I have yet to encounter any of my male friends who had parents with permissive attitudes when it came to pornography, and my own parents especially did not. Pornography is, to many people, exceedingly vulgar and disgusting, and is a gross misrepresentation of human sexuality, which is supposed to come foremost from love, and not from animalistic drives. And pornography has become more a part of our culture than we would probably like, and pornography itself has become more and more obscene. The Internet has allowed for a massive surge in the pornographic industry, with free mental sex just a few mouse clicks away. Gone are the days of newsstands, trenchcoats, and brown paper bags. But the surge in the consumption of pornography also created a demand for more "alternative" sexual practices to be depicted, ranging from fetishes to all out deviant sexual acts. And thus, the market was flooded with just about every sexual act possible, making traditional one-on-one pornography much less prevalent. In its place is every kind of hardcore sex act you could dream up. The pornography of ten years ago is nothing compared with the pornography of today, both in content and quantity.

That being said, I would like to say that what your son did was natural. I know you realize this too. Curiosity leads to inquiry and inquiry to observation. Where would a young boy look if he wanted to see sex? In the pre-internet days, it was the mild Sears catalog, or, if one was fortunate, your father's Playboys. But the Internet changed the game. Not only could one see sex on the Internet, but one got the impression that that was what most people did on the Internet and that it was natural (listen to any talk show monologue joke about the Internet...it invariably ends up at the Internet being utilized for pornography).

When I was twelve, Internet pornography was relatively new and not that omnipresent. The most I got out of it was a few printed pictures of nude females, which were mostly printed for the "it looks like that?" factor. My mother eventually found the pictures, and I was told I wasn't allowed to look at that kind of thing again, unless I wished to be more embarrassed or even punished.

Remember that maxim that if you deny a child something it only makes them want it more? It applies here. Telling him not to do something only makes him more fascinated; it adds to his curiosity. He'll look at it again. NetNanny may be a good idea, but it is also a challenge, in addition to being a symbol of distrust.

My advice would be to talk to your son about this. I understand how cliched that sentiment is, but really, it is necessary. Find out what he knows, what he wants, and why he did it (although that is probably a given). Explain sex to him in a noncondescending, friendly tone. And do not demonize it.

Also, you may consider providing him with what one would call "safe" materials. And by that I mean very, very, very, very softcore pornography. Think women in lingerie. Or perhaps some very modest female nudes. If you can control the content your son views, you know he's not developing anything abnormal or viewing anything obscene.

I'm sure everyone will disagree with me, but I was a child not too long ago, so I know how this works.

Just my two cents.

Fen

[zelda7743]

44. getting kiddie porn on accident

You might want to be careful where he surfs. The whole house could be arrested. :(

[Gringo]

45. NO ONLINE PORN -IT'S BAD NEWS THE OLD-FASHIONED KIND IS OK n/t

[regnaD kciN]

52. Here's an interesting hypothetical situation...

12-year-old boy surfs Internet porn sites. 12-year-old boy finds pictures of "hot 16-year-old girl." 12-year-old boy downloads pictures of "hot 16-year-old girl."

12-year-old boy gets busted for possession of "child pornography."

What's wrong with this picture?

:crazy:

[Xithras]

74. It's already happened

I know of two cases: one outside of Cincinatti and another outside of Boston. In both cases the teen boys had pictures of naked girls their own age, and both were convicted and sent to prison for it. The federal law that prohibits child porn makes no distinction about the relative ages of the viewer and the subject.

There was also a related case in Florida two years ago where a 15 year old girl and two 15 year old boys had sex and videotaped it. They were ALL arrested and charged with a felony...manufacturing child pornography. I know the boys plead out and were nailed pretty hard for it, but the girls family fought it and I'm not sure whether she was convicted or not.

The government typically doesn't play games with kiddie porn, which is as it should be.

[marzipanni]

46. How about something a little titillating but very tasteful?

When I was about that age 40 years ago (YIKES!) my three older brothers and I had American Art(paintings), Family of Man, and National Geographic Magazines to look at. My brother especially liked this painting by Grant Woods of an old farmer staring at a beautiful young woman "getting some fresh air on her skin" under a tree at the edge of the field he had been working in. I loved and still feel that way about Family of Man, a book of photographs from all over the world collected for an exhibit in 1955 at the Guggenheim Museum. It starts with photographs of couples embracing in a park, then marriage ceremonies, birth, babies with mothers, families/children, work, music/dancing,play, school/learning, voting, religion, war/strife,old age...it's All in this book. I think it would be very interesting to any child or teenager, my 8 year old son was curious about it, enjoys looking at it, and it's a good conversation starter.
I agree with all those here who say your son's curiousity is normal and healthy- he just needs something normal and healthy to see to satisfy it and some easy-going comversations maybe with his dad to let him know it's cool to wonder!

Here's an Amazon link where others wax as enthusistic as I have here in their reviews of Family of Man...
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0810961695/103-4109820-2394236?

[George_Bonanza]

49. I think porn is harmless

Who doesn't look at porn these days, including young teens? What's the worst it could do? Learn about extremely brutal sexual maneuvers? Who cares? It'll become the joke of the week until they find something else to laugh about. It's not like it'll make hookers and pimps out of us.

[Brucey]

55. Depends on what it is.

Mostly it's harmless, if it's about eroticism. But if women are seen as victims (physical or psychological), it does influence society.

[Porcupine]

50. Porn is so much worse than fighting and killing that TV shows us.....

excuse me that was a troll.

My point is that the normal media environment for your 12 year old is cop shows, martial-arts movies and car chases. Quite a few 12 year olds have seen "Friday the 13th" movies and "Halloween parts I thru XXIV." Do we expect all of our children to turn into mass murderers as a result?

The vast, vast, majority of porn is smiling, healthy, naked women. Physically and biologically mature women I might add. Most of the remainder consists of adults engaged in consensual, pleasurable activity that is, in its ultimate form, the creation of new human life.

Compare that to the dozens of beatings and murders that any 12 year old can see in just a few hours of television watching. Healthy people enjoying each other vs. brutal fighting and killing.

I would also point out that the vast majority of the human race lives in very small houses. Houses where it is impossible for parents to hide from inquisitive children either their nakedness or their sexual activity. These cultures seem to survive just fine under these conditions.

Your kid will see exactly as much porn as he is interested in seeing. If nothing else somebody's dad has the traditional stack of magazines in the garage. Tell him to keep his door locked when veiwing such things and to not mix his "active" hand and his keyboard hand. Leave a roll of paper towels in his room for "spills." Also a pop-up stopper program is a good idea in general. Just tell him he has to get his homework done FIRST.

Remember, this is not a big deal. Drinking and driving; that's a big deal. Welcome to the teen years.

[DoNotRefill]

53. Find him a horny 12 year old partner...

and give them condoms and a stern safe sex lecture....Nature will take care of the rest.

[Cheswick2.0]

68. I knew a woman who felt her son has a right to learn about sex

by doing it with the 12 year old next door. She got angry that her neighbor didn't agree to her daughter being used this way.

What's love to to do with it, right? I have to say yours is one of the worst suggestions I have read here.

[Xithras]

70. As the father of a girl...

...who will be 12 in a few years, I have to say this: Any boy, 12 or not, caught having sex with my preteen daughter will be lucky to leave my house breathing. I'm a realist and fully understand that my daughter may become sexually active at 14 or 15, and my wife and I will simply try to ensure that she does so safely and with a full understanding of the consequences of those actions. However, ANY boy touching my daughter at 12 will be leaving my house through a window, after a few high speed impacts with a few of my walls.

And please don't lecture me about legalities. A boy having sex with a 12 year old girl is committing felony sexual assault no matter WHAT his age is, in every state except Hawaii. No judge would convict a father who attacked a boy sexually assaulting his preteen daughter. I have plenty of money and a good attorney on retainer to make sure of that!

[LTR]

54. Pop-up blocking

Keep in mind that with many pop-up blockers, the name of a site, whether it was a blocked pop-up or a banner, may actually show up as a site visited.

I know, because I never visit the X-10 site, and I have Avant Browser, which blocks pop-ups.

[Zero Gravitas]

57. normal for his age

As others have said this is perfectly normal for a boy this age, whether or not he has physicaly started puberty. He may well have heard about these sites from his friends at school, boys that age find out a great deal of (mis)information from their peers about sex, masturbation or these days internet porn sites.

You can't hide this sort of thing from him. He will be interested in it so you shouldn't make him feel guilty about being horny. What you want him to see is your business but don't think you can stop him from looking at dirty pictures if really wants to, and it will only get worse as adolesence licks in.

I think the nature of the pictures he saw can be a problem as it gives him a distorted image of sex (guess what will be going through his head the next time he masturbates) maybe the best thing for him is some posters of swimsuit models for his bedroom and a lock on the door.

[Timefortruth]

58. Do boys masturbate before puberty?

That may be a little naïve of me but I don’t have any idea. Because of his physical development I doubted that that was why he was looking, but what do I know about being a 12 year old boy?

My hope is that I have always sent him the message that sexual desire is a normal part of life, but a private and personal part as well. The reason I confronted him about the pages was because the material was not suited for a child, not because sex is wrong or dirty.

All of the advice that the boy needs more information is right on point and as soon as it is comfortable we will have that talk.

[Zero Gravitas]

60. some do

like everything with human sexuality there is a great deal of variation. Some males are very sexually aware and horndogs at 10, others have no interest in sex even for a few years into adolescence, most of course are somewhere in beween. Many boys don't masturbate until they reach puberty, but it is not at all uncommon for boys to do it before puberty. Some start doing it at a surprisingly young age although for them its just something that feels good, not an overtly sexual act like it would be for a teenager or adult.

Edit: while on the topic I would encourage you or your husband to talk about masturbation to your son. IF hasn't already started doing it he will soon. Boys should not feel at all conflicted or guilty about it, as it is almost universal by the age of early adolescence and is perfectly harmless. After all no-one will get pregnant or get a STD from doing it, and for many boys it will be an acceptable alternative it "real" sex for several years. I think we as a society should do more to promote masturbation as an age-appropriate sexual activity for teenagers rather than mostly ignoring it (Dr. Elders was right).

[Cheswick2.0]

69. yes and so do girls

at least some

[Maddy McCall]

63. Timefortruth, please don't take this as insultory...

But the way you talk to your son promotes an instant wall between you two.

Could it be that he is curious (could be curiosity prompted by health class), but instead of dealing with "mommy baggage," he decided to search on the net for info on changes that are occurring or are soon to occur to his body?

If he typed in "penis," then the first search results he got would have been porn.

If he typed in "Andrew Jackson," he would get porn results, too.

He may have not intentionally sniffed out porn, but porn marketers are so aggressive, that he COULD have stumbled on a porn site by accident. And one site would lead to twenty more, if you think about how the links are listed.

Don't beat him up over this...he is a young boy, and he will find information and pictures to explain to him what he may not feel comfortable discussing with you.

I have a son, too, and I know how difficult it is for moms to discuss sex with boys.

[Maine-i-acs]

66. Three suggestions

(1) Internet Explorer has a built in Content Filtering ability that you can activate. You have to set up a manager-type password to change the controls back and forth.

(2) Norton Internet Security ($60) has NAV, Firewall, Ad-blocking and Parental Controls.

(3) If you have Windows 2000 Professional, set up his own User account and password. Set yourself up as an Administrator. Configure his account so that he is a "user" - and cannot download or configure anything.

[MissMillie]

72. change his password

He shouldn't be online unsupervised anyway. It's not just about access to porn. I'd be more worried about who has access to him.