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Anyone else have conversations like this with their 13 year old?

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bif Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 08:59 PM
Original message
Anyone else have conversations like this with their 13 year old?
After receiving an email from yet another teacher complaining about how my daughter isn't doing any homework or classwork:
Me: What's this all about?
Her: What do you think it's about.
Me: It's about you not doing your homework.
Her: It's not homework, it's classwork.
Me: How come you're not doing it?
Her: Because. (Then goes upstairs and slams the door to her bedroom.)

I just want to ring her neck.
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BelleCarolinaPeridot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 09:00 PM
Response to Original message
1. LOL - I used to be 13 once ...
and I remember acting like that . And I think we act like that because we know that we are wrong and we don't like it when we are proved wrong lol .
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gfr4656 Donating Member (92 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 09:02 PM
Response to Reply #1
2. sounds like a republican
Edited on Tue Jan-11-05 09:03 PM by gfr4656
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bif Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 09:02 PM
Response to Reply #1
3. This is what really drives me nuts
It's her film-making class--which she loves. She's absolutely billiant at making movies. Think Mr. Bill only funnier. But she won't do the paperwork.
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patdem Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 09:07 PM
Response to Reply #3
8. Sounds like she has a problem...you need to press her..do not let her
get away with ...nevermind...MAKE HER TALK...I don't mean in a "where were you on the 3rd of July" type of talk..just KEEP BUGGING HER KEEP UP THE CONVERSATION..DO NOT LET HER END THE CONVERSATION..JUST KEEP IT UP...KEEP ASKING...AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY..AND DO NOT LET HER GET THE UPPER HAND...SHE OBVIOUSLY IS HAVING PROBLEMS...YOU ARE THE ADULT...YOU NEED TO ENTICE HER TO TALK TO YOU..I am sorry you are having problems. I had a teen age boy..and IT WAS NOT FUN! But we somehow survived it! He is now 35 and the father of 3 georgeous girls!
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JVS Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 09:02 PM
Response to Original message
4. You need better interrogation techniques
That is not a satisfactory answer. She should be severly punished!
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jdj Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 09:38 PM
Response to Reply #4
27. I'm tripping on the part about getting e-mails from a teacher.
Gone are the days where you just forged your parents name on the paper and they were none the wiser, I guess.
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alittlelark Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 09:03 PM
Response to Original message
5. After school - 1 hour at the dining room table.
she can do her homework, read a book, or pout. No difference - 1 hour mandatory. She will figure out what is in her best interest in a month or so.

She's young enough not to HATE YOU FOREVER, but it may feel like she will for a few weeks.


She might just open up to you after dealing w/ the frustration....there is a reason she is disconnected from school.
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bif Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 09:07 PM
Response to Reply #5
9. Well, first we did the inspection of the planner every day after school.
Then we figured out that we shouldn't ttreat her like a kid, we told her she was totally on her own. Actually, that was her idea. She totally screwed up that. So we're at a turning point, only don't know where to turn. Most of our friends said, forget about it, she'll tturn out just fine. What to do?!?!?! BTW, she's being treated for ADD.
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roguevalley Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 09:16 PM
Response to Reply #9
18. good for you letting her have her own way for a while. You can
now tell her that she has to have supervision because she couldn't do it on her own. Kids want to be adult too young and often they aren't ready. She may give you crap, but that is what some kids do. SOme kids push until you take the burden of decisions and such. It how they get you to do it without asking.

Is she on an IEP? Does she take medication? Not every kid her age acts like that. If this is a sudden turnaround, then something is bugging her.
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bif Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 09:22 PM
Response to Reply #18
21. Sudden turnaround? Heck no!
She's been like this forever. In elementary school she had one teacher a day who used to hound her to do her homework. Now that she's in middle school, she's expected to do it on her own, and she just hasn't been able to cope. We can't be there all day for her, so she has to deal with getting the classwork done.

And yes, she's on meds.

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alittlelark Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 11:54 PM
Response to Reply #9
31. ADD can be a good thing - I'm serious.
Give her 1 hour at the table w/ quiet 'brain time'. She can do whatever she wishes, but must stay there 1 hr each day.

I had ADD as well - I did OK.....Alone time in your brain is a great thing!
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mahina Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 09:04 PM
Response to Original message
6. Its a great idea to find out who does thorough testing and get it done.
Speaking as one to whom that scenario is familiar- except for the slamming doors part because my son doesn't give me grief, he just forgets and loses stuff. He is organizationally challenged and
guess what?
That is now a recognized learning difference.
So you can get extra time for tests, including sats if its appropriately documented.
Plus more support from the teachers.

If she's just being a sassy thing then you are on your own, sorry.
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roguevalley Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 09:05 PM
Response to Original message
7. As a teacher from way the hell back, I can tell you millions of
stories like this. I would have a meeting with teacher and her and have the teacher spell out every thing they do, including what is homework and not so she can't spin it. Sort of boggles their crafty little minds.
They could just die when the adults know the score together, in front of them.

Tell her this is her job and if she doesn't do it, she is fired, ie, all her crap is confiscated. :) I'm so glad I retired. :)
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bif Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 09:10 PM
Response to Reply #7
12. Thanks. My wife is in constant email contact with her teachers.
They keep us posted on how she's screwing up.

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roguevalley Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 09:18 PM
Response to Reply #12
19. Make a meeting with her present. If everyone is telling the correct
story in front of her, she can't blow you off. E-mail is nice for the small stuff. Have a sit down for this big one.
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MichiganVote Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 09:25 PM
Response to Reply #7
22. Make sure you do it when her peers can see you coming for the meeting too
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livinginphotographs Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 09:08 PM
Response to Original message
10. When I was 13....
Parents: What's this all about?
Me: (crawling in at 10PM, stoned out of my mind) Huh?
Parents: It's about you not doing your homework.
Me: Huh?
Parents: How come you're not doing it?
Me: Huh? (Then goes upstairs and shuts the door to his bedroom.)

Luckily, I done growed up.
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CornField Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 09:09 PM
Response to Original message
11. Not so much anymore
During the summer she tried this one: "Why are you guys always on my back? You're always telling me what I have to do and standing over me like I'm 2 years old."

What followed that was me laying out the secrets of the universe to her: "We expect you to do your homework. We expect you to do your chores. We expect your room to be clean. We expect your laundry not to be piled to the ceiling. We expect that you will not be eating or drinking in your room. If you will do these things that we expect you to do, life will become much more easy -- for all of us."

It worked. Only once this year have I heard from a teacher that she isn't turning in assignments. Her room is kept (mostly) clean. She is doing her chores without being asked. Things are much more easy for all of us.
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Ironpost Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 09:12 PM
Response to Original message
13. Be not Judgmental, be not Authoritarian, be Listener
All will come out OK
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bif Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 09:15 PM
Response to Reply #13
16. Thanks for the advice all.
Edited on Tue Jan-11-05 09:27 PM by bif
I'm taking it all in and will use it. Well, except tthe punishment one!
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fujiyama Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 09:12 PM
Response to Original message
14. What grade is she in?
When I was in middle school, I was a real slacker. I was probably that same age. It took me until my sophomore year of HS to really straighten up.

Hopefully she will too soon. Just make sure she's not falling into a bad crowd. I was close a few times, but luckilly I had some great friends that really kept me in line to some extent.

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bif Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 09:31 PM
Response to Reply #14
23. She's in 8th grade
And at least she shows good judgement in friends. I'm sure there are potheads and driniers at her school. But she's managed to hang around with some pretty level-headed kids. And she's an extremely bright kid, so I'm optimistic that she'll come around. It's just so hard to see her failing right now.

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fujiyama Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 10:04 PM
Response to Reply #23
29. 8th grade was bad for me...
My parents recieved several phone calls, especially from a certain teacher...Didn't do the math homework, chewing gum in class (I remember one day was particularly bad where that same teacher asked me to spit my gum out - I hid it in my mouth and she found me doing it later and I ended up having a referrel written up), etc, etc.

It was partly just youthful rebelion against authority. Unless it's evident that she's been smoking or drinking, I wouldn't go too hard on her...

I would however try make sure she understands that while 4 years may SEEM like a long ways off, it will go by in a flash...and that she'll be going to college, and colleges care about grades.

That was one of the things that kinda freaked me out. I was afraid that all my friends would leave me behind and I wouldn't get in anywhere.
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JVS Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 09:14 PM
Response to Original message
15. She'll come to no good in the end unless you flay her into shape!
Screwing around is bad, umkay
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bif Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 09:34 PM
Response to Reply #15
24. How about a flogging in front of the entire school?
That would certainly put her in her place, eh?
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JVS Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 09:41 PM
Response to Reply #24
28. If that is what you decide is necessary
Listen to your inner dictator
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sendero Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 09:15 PM
Response to Original message
17. I periodically...
.. get this kind of stuff from my sons. The oldest (15) has snapped into shape, possibly because of his girlfriend, possibly because he's maturing :)

The youngest (12) is slacking all he can. I keep telling him that when he hits 7th grade, that his grades then really matter and the work gets a lot harder. But the fact is I have to hold something over his head to get him in line.

If he brings home a report card I don't like, I tell him how next period better be. And if he doesn't improve his grades I take away privileges just like I promised. I absolutely hate this part of parenting, but I'm not sure there is a better way.
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roguevalley Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 09:19 PM
Response to Reply #17
20. new posts among the old ones. I came back. :-D remember, the
most important thing you can remember is that YOU are the adult. Too many parents forget that. :) Good luck, honey. Maybe it will only be short term pain for long term gain.
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JohnKleeb Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 09:34 PM
Response to Original message
25. of course not for me but that sounds like what my parents do with my bro
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bif Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 09:37 PM
Response to Reply #25
26. And do they get anywhere with him?
My older daughter constantly comments, "What's with her anyway? Doesn't she get it?"

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JohnKleeb Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 10:06 PM
Response to Reply #26
30. Hardly
His grades at interims were just awful. I feel the same way as your other daughter though being the more studious of us two.
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Commie Pinko Dirtbag Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jan-12-05 08:18 AM
Response to Reply #26
34. Older sister? Wonderful!
Have HER straighten baby sis into shape! All they have to do is talk like equals, which they are. Does the slacker younger one trust the older one enough?
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bif Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jan-12-05 08:24 AM
Response to Reply #34
35. Yeah, she does look up to her
But is it fair to ask her to talk to her? That's a lot of responsibility for a 16 year old. But that's not a bad idea.
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Commie Pinko Dirtbag Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jan-12-05 08:27 AM
Response to Reply #35
36. Make it clear that if she doesn't feel comfortable doing this, she hasn't.
And don't act disappointed if she refuses, or fails. Make clear that it's not an assigned task, it's just "hey, what if we did this?"
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Endangered Specie Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jan-12-05 12:22 AM
Response to Original message
32. Might I suggest:
pulling the plug on and/or restricting various electronic devices and time alloted outside/with friends?

It is ALWAYS hard to raise a kid (esp a teen daughter)

good luck.
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bif Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jan-12-05 08:11 AM
Response to Reply #32
33. We've already done that
Edited on Wed Jan-12-05 08:21 AM by bif
She can't see her friends after school until she gets a B average. And we don't have any video games.
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OmmmSweetOmmm Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jan-12-05 09:28 AM
Response to Reply #32
37. I have struggled with my 14 year old and homework since 1st grade.
We have been through checking the planners etc, but that doesn't help when he leaves assignments off. I have had him sit in the kitchen to do his work, which is fine. Problem, what homework is due that he isn't telling me about?

Then there are the times that he actually does the work and forgets to hand it in.

I cannot tell you how many times he's been grounded, not allowed to watch tv or play video games. I feel like an ogre.

This is a kid who has a B+ average on tests, but gets low marks because of the homework, and he just doesn't care.

I am torn about this because here is a kid that is learning the work in class, doing great on the tests, and obviously homework isn't necessary for him. Unfortunately his teachers don't see it that way.

I am trying out a new solution now. Everytime he misses homeworks. time is being deducted from when he can apply for his drivers permit. Which will be in 2 years. So far he's lost a month. At this rate he won't be able to get a permit until he's 18 and of age to apply himself.
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seemunkee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jan-12-05 10:01 AM
Response to Original message
38. Been there.
My daughter is now 15 and we still go through this. Although she can't get away with going to here room and slamming the door. Her school has an online program like Blackboard where we can see all her grades from each class. Now we have early warning of problems. I think she has finally realized that her college chances and driving privileges are gont to be seriously impaired by her behavior.
Does she have underlying problems that are exasperating the situation?Getting a little older and getting her depression under control has helped our daughter a lot. She is sleep deprived and is moving her first class of the day to night school so that should help. We did a sleep study and found she was only getting 2-3 hours a night and no REM.
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Arkana Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jan-12-05 10:08 AM
Response to Original message
39. LOL! Well, actually, my mother is like that with my sister...
She's 14 and does that much the same way. It doesn't happen real often, though...more in the sense of procrastination, since my sis is an excellent student and a hard worker, but a massive procrastinator. She prefers to do her papers one or two nights before they're due, she forgot about a math test that she had last week (which she took anyway and got a B on), and I've been forced into reading to her at midnight from "Lord of the Flies" or "Of Mice and Men" because she forgot and is too lazy to do it herself.
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