Democratic Underground Latest Greatest Lobby Journals Search Options Help Login
Google

I think I am about to fall apart ... I need some advice .

Printer-friendly format Printer-friendly format
Printer-friendly format Email this thread to a friend
Printer-friendly format Bookmark this thread
This topic is archived.
Home » Discuss » The DU Lounge Donate to DU
 
BelleCarolinaPeridot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 07:34 PM
Original message
I think I am about to fall apart ... I need some advice .
Edited on Tue Jan-11-05 07:38 PM by CarolinaPeridot
I had my first panic attack in 5 years last night and now I am afraid to leave my room . If I leave my room I feel like running away from home - I hate this place . The same thing happens over and over again - enough is enough . Ok here is my story - I just need to vent and release ...

I am CarolinaPeridot , I am 24 years old , female . I am in North Carolina . I currently live with my mom , her husband ( who I refuse to call my stepdad or anything else ) and my little brother ( born during their marriage . ) I still live at home because I recently moved back to the United States after living in Germany for 3 years . I currently have a job but lately the job has been very unconsistent - somedays we work , some days we don't . In the past days I have applied for 10 new jobs - fingers crossed because they pay very good . I was not forced to get a job - its just that I want to be out on my own and I want my own place . I plan to be out of here ASAP . I don't know why God is holding me here - sometimes I think I did something wrong in a past life or something

The problems at home constantly have to do with my mom's husband . Ever since I can remember I have been constantly accused of stuff that I did not do . When I was little I was beaten a lot of times - my mom did nothing about it . I was verbally abused - my mom did nothing about it . I have had threats of death towards me - again my mom did nothing about it . This time my family has been threatened and I don't like that one bit ... and really it does not seem like my mom is doing anything about this either . Time and time again he talks crap about me and the rest of my family ( my grandmother , my aunts and my cousins - I don't appreciate that - and my mom says NOTHING about it . ) On New Year's Eve , my grandmother called me to her house because she cooked some Spaghetti - my favorite dish . And since I would always take some Spaghetti to her house , she was only being nice as I was to her - we are family , hello . While sitting in my room I overheard my mom's husband talking crap and he said " Tell your mom to stop sending food down here . We are not a charity case , we have our own food . " As I walked into the kitchen I saw him toss the bag on the cabinet with the bowl in the bag . I did not appreciate that at all . My mom only said something minor - but not enough . Number one , this had nothing to do with him . Number 2 , its my grandmother - who does he think he is . His family does nothing ! Anyways - no matter what comes out of his mouth is something negative . Its to the point you have to avoid coming out of your room when he is home.

BTW , he does not pay for anything around the house . I give my mom as much money as possible . She pays for everything on her own . She could do better alone . When I came home from Germany , the most shocking thing was when I saw that my mom no longer sleeps in the bedroom , in the house that she pays the rent for . She sleeps on the couch in the living room , that is sad . I could not believe that when I saw that . If it gets that far , then its time for seperation .

My mom purchased a brand new car in 2004 . While he was driving it , he fell asleep at the wheel and totalled the car . My mom was so proud of herself when she bought that new car . It was completely totalled . I remember talking to her while I was still in Germany and I could hear how sad she was . Luckily she was able to buy herself a new car . A month after that , he hit something and scratched the back and lied about . A couple of weeks ago , he was in another accident with my mom's new car . Enough is enough - but I guess she does not see that . Oh yeah , he has cheated on her numerous times too .

No matter what he is talking about , every other word is a curse word . Nobody wants to hear that . In public places , everywhere . I no longer go anywhere with them because I swear I might go off .

The reason why I had a panic attack is what happened these past 4 days . On Saturday I was again accused of something I did not do . No one defended me . Never ever .

On Monday I was babysitting my two little cousins . They were both sick so I made them stay in my room the entire time . I did not let them out of my sight - only if they went to the bathroom . I then took them with me over my grandmother's house while I was drying my clothes . There was a knock on the door - it was him . He claims his Chapstick was missing . And claims my little cousin took it . I told him she did not take it . He went back to the house . A couple of minutes later there was another knock on the door . I could see how stupidly angry he was . He did not ask to enter my grandmother's home . He completely barged in , breaking a part of the screendoor . I told him over and over again - no one has his stuff . He ignored me like an idiot , he looked like he was going to hit someone ( over something so minor WTF ) - he just started yelling in my grandmother's house , cursing yelling loudly - calling my little cousin's names . I was trying to protect them and protect myself because I did not know what he was going to do . Coming into someone else's house and yelling and cursing , scaring kids and waking up the resident's of the house is totally uncalled for . That is rude ! He broke the door - that was uncalled for . A couple of minutes later he came again telling me to search my little cousin's bag - I knew she did not have it . I yelled " Stop stressing me out ! " while I was searching the bag and I just started shaking inside because of this incident . It scared me . There is always something . He lied to my mom saying that he came down there and he was calm - which was a lie . Because if he calm , he would not have had to tell her so . He knew that we were all going to tell my mom the truth .

The messed up thing about it is that him and I both work at the same 2nd shift job - I refuse to ride in the car with him and work there . So either I get switched to 1st shift or I am going to get another job . My nerves are on edge . We never know when he is going to go overboard again . I don't understand why my mom has put and continues to put up with this mess . Whenever he says something to me I feel like going to the point of knocking him out - and I am a very peaceful person . Ever since they have been married , he has been nothing but a bully to me and the extended members of my family ( like my grandmother , aunts and cousins ) and I don't think we should have to take it anymore . Some might say I should mind my own business and let my mom handle it but something has got to give - this is not fair to the rest of me and my family . What should I do ? Yes I know I should concentrate on my life and I am - but this is just too much .

Thank you for reading all of this if you did .
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
BrklynLiberal Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 07:38 PM
Response to Original message
1. It sounds like you need to get out of that house and into a shelter...and
when you have gotten yourself together then, you can start to think about your Mom and step-brother.
Is there any kind of shelter or can you go to live with your Grandmother.
Can you get another job so you do not have to see your Mom's husband every day?
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
BelleCarolinaPeridot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 07:41 PM
Response to Reply #1
2. I feel like talking to a priest and I am not even Catholic ...
I am going over my aunt's house for a couple of days . But as far as my mom and brother - they totally ignore it and are in denial . Everyone tells them that he needs to go - they just don't see it .

I am seriously getting a new job . I have applied to 10 already .
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
mcscajun Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 07:47 PM
Response to Reply #1
8. I second this suggestion...
...waiting seems out of order here.

The sooner you get out, the better, even if scratching out an existence is all you can do for a while. Then you can help your Mom.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
yardwork Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 07:41 PM
Response to Original message
3. I'm very sorry that you are going through this.
That man is abusive to you and your family - which you already know.

I think that your panic attack and your feelings are a natural reaction to the abusive environment in which you live, and your feelings of helplessness as you watch this man bully other people you love.

I don't have any advice but I will share my own experience and perhaps it will give you some ideas. I grew up in an alcoholic family with emotional and verbal abuse. I have been a member of a 12-step program for a number of years, and in that group I have learned the concept of "turning things over" to a higher power. I have learned to take care of the things I can do something about, and set aside the worries about things over which I am powerless. I also am in therapy.

My observation is that you are in a position to move out of this abusive household soon, and I hope that works out for you. It sounds like a very rational choice to get out of there.

My observation is also that you can't do much to help your mom until she decides to help herself. Worrying about her doesn't help the situation.

Perhaps if you get out and build an independent life for yourself your mother will learn from your example, and one day have the courage to get out too.

I wish you the best of luck!
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
BelleCarolinaPeridot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 07:45 PM
Response to Reply #3
6. Thanks for your words :)
I " turned things over " to a higher power but still in the physical sense , I feel the pain . This has been going on way too long .

And I am a very independent person . I just worry about my mom because all she does to ignore it is actually play " Playstation " while everything is crumbling apart .

I did actually leave , I left the country - and I don't want to leave the country but I feel like cutting off contact - which is wrong I know - but thats the only way I feel I can be happy . I just pray God and Nature has mercy on me and let's me get my own place soon .
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
yardwork Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 07:48 PM
Response to Reply #6
9. You sound like a strong and independent person
It sounds like your worry about your mother, stepbrother, and grandmother is part of what is keeping you in the situation. It also sounds like you will be an even bigger support to them once you get out.

The part about turning things over has to do with letting go of worry about your mother. It's very difficult to do. It has to do with putting your faith in the Higher Power to take care of your mother.

I wish you better things in the future!

:grouphug:
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Divernan Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 07:53 PM
Response to Reply #6
15. You are NOT wrong to cut off contact with your co-dependent Mom.
It would be a very healthy thing to do, and probably necessary for you to have any quality of life. the person who is
WRONG is your mother for staying with this man, and putting his bizarre and brutal behavior ahead of her own children.,
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
BelleCarolinaPeridot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 07:55 PM
Response to Reply #15
18. What about not even wanting to invite them to my wedding when I do marry .
because that's how I feel right now . I never thought I would ever want to cut off contact with her but that's how I feel .
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
tjdee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 08:12 PM
Response to Reply #18
24. They will ruin your wedding.
Edited on Tue Jan-11-05 08:14 PM by tjdee
I invited my alcoholic uncle to a show I did once, and he ruined the entire buffet table they had laid out.

No one told me--in fact I thought they were all going to surprise me with flowers or something, everyone was acting kind of weird when I came out from the green room. I found out a few weeks later from my sis.

(on edit: so I guess he didn't ruin it for me, cause I didn't even know! But people were still acting strange...)

If people can't act right, you don't have ANY REASON to invite them to come and screw with your life.

If your mother can come ALONE to your wedding, okay. If not, it will be YOUR day and you don't have to put up with that.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
BelleCarolinaPeridot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 08:16 PM
Response to Reply #24
25. I am sorry that you went through that . That's what I want to avoid .
Another things is that despite all this drama , I have a great guy in my life . He makes me incredibily happy . I absolutely adore this guy and I so much want to tell my mom all about him but when I do , she does not care . She ignores me . What did I ever do to her ? Would'nt you want to see your daughter happy ? And to top it off my guy is in the US Army and he will be heading to Iraq next month - and I wish I had her to cry to and for support but I have to hold it all in .
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
HeyManThatsCool Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 08:19 PM
Response to Reply #25
26. Wish in one hand, shit in the other
See which fills up first.

Ok. sorry about that. I had to quote from Bad Santa.


In all seriousness- this is an issue you might want to get some help for. What your mothers doing isn't just a case of weakness- it is downright WRONG. She owes YOU the apology.

You have to put YOU first. And remember- friends are the family you choose. As long as you have people in your life that you love, and that love you, its all good
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
BelleCarolinaPeridot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 08:23 PM
Response to Reply #26
28. Thanks HeyManThatsCool
Actually that's a good quote lol .
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
tjdee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 08:23 PM
Response to Reply #25
29. She isn't there for you, but there are a lot of people who are.
Yes, you SHOULD have a mother who supports you. But right now, she's unable to do that. You didn't do anything to her, she doesn't realize what she's doing (or she wouldn't do it).

You don't have to hold it all in, you have your boyfriend, your gran, your aunt....all of us even...so don't tell your mom about your boyfriend. Tell us!

Sorry to hear he's going to Iraq next month--do you think your panic attack maybe had something to do with that, just a bit, as it'll be one less good person near you?

How long is he to be there?
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
BelleCarolinaPeridot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 08:31 PM
Response to Reply #29
32. He will be there for 12 months - a year .
An absolutely great guy . The panic attack may have had something to do with it since I have been emotional lately . But then again no because I will still be able to actually " talk " to him while he is there .
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
huellewig Donating Member (700 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 08:49 PM
Response to Reply #18
37. Don't worry. I don't even know your real name yet.
All jokes aside. Bad shit happens to good people sometimes. My advice, try to find a place and let your mom know she can always stay with you. You are not alone. I refuse to talk to 95% of my family now. If a activity gives me more pain then pleasure I stop doing it.

I wish you the best of luck...

then,than,a,an..?

The spell check didn't report an error. Blame it not me. Good chance I fucked up the grammar in a major way.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
BelleCarolinaPeridot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 08:55 PM
Response to Reply #37
38. Your post actually cheered me up .
Edited on Tue Jan-11-05 08:56 PM by CarolinaPeridot
Again I say thanks :)
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
BrklynLiberal Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 07:41 PM
Response to Original message
4. There is a mental health support group that might be able to help out too
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
HeyManThatsCool Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 07:49 PM
Response to Reply #4
12. I suffer from Panic- I feel for you
You NEED to get out of there. Reading your post I definately sense that you know that.


Don't feel as if your leaving your mother behind. I'm sorry to be harsh- but- your mother is the ADULT and you are the child. (even though your older now). Your mother had a responsibility to shelter you & for her own reasons she chose not to. Your mother is making the choice to stay & to put up with him disrespecting her, her children, her home and her vehicles. That is HER issue. Don't make it yours. It's very difficult to face the realization that you can't "Make it right" for everyone. She has free will & it sounds as if nothing you can say will change her mind.

I believe it is possible to love someone even though they may not make the same choices that you would. Moving out of the house doesn't mean you hate your mom- it means that you know what is best for YOU to survive.

He sounds like an absolutely horrible person. You sound like a lovely person. Don't let him squash that in you. Don't wait. GET OUT NOW.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
tjdee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 07:44 PM
Response to Original message
5. Can you stay with your grandmother? Your mom has a problem.
My former stepdad was the same, got really irritated over the dumbest things.

Your mom obviously has a major problem in getting rid of this loser. What does she say when you bring it up?

Maybe "God" or whatever is keeping you there so you can help your mother see the light? If she feels she is losing you because of her actions (past and present) and of her husband maybe she'll get it?

Good luck. That sucks. I know what it's like to want to be gone and not be able to be.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
BelleCarolinaPeridot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 07:49 PM
Response to Reply #5
11. She does not say anything at all ...
At times its like she ignores it . She told him off last night but that did not help . I think only the force of God can help in this matter . How , I don't know .

My aunt and I said that only mom can tell herself that she needs to get rid of him . I just think its going to be too late when she finally realizes it ,

My mom has already lost me before - I moved to Germany . And I think I was a fool to come back because I care too much . But enough is enough . I am afraid someone is going to get physically hurt .

I think its time for an intervention of some sorts . But I can only concentrate on me . But when I am accused and threaten constantly , thats what makes me angry .
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
tjdee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 08:04 PM
Response to Reply #11
20. You need to tell her point blank
She may think you went to Germany because you wanted to travel.

You need to say "You are driving me to this, and it makes me sad because I love you."

If you haven't already.

Glad you're staying with your aunt for a few days, good luck on getting out for good! Take care of you.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
BelleCarolinaPeridot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 08:10 PM
Response to Reply #20
23. Thanks Tjdee ! for your advice :)
I have also said "You are driving me to this, and it makes me sad because I love you." - I am starting think she is unstable because she does nothing but I will only concentrate on me . Seems like I am the only one that cares .

Don't worry , I will take care of myself :hug:
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Lorien Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 10:40 PM
Response to Reply #20
48. I agree. You need to tell her exactly why you left
and exactly how this situation makes you feel.

My dad is the same way; he always has harsh words to say about me and everyone else-usually something passive aggressive (though I don't think he's anywhere near as brutal as your step dad). He always thinks everyone is lying to him, but he's the habitual liar in the family. I don't have time for that crap anymore; yeah, it makes me furious (and use to make me nervous), but now I just dish it right back to him, and more times than not he backs down. It's insecurity and a desire to control others that creates that behavior. Don't make it profitable for him. If he yells, yell back. If he gets physical, call the police. Put a voice recorder in the house if you need to. If you decide to confront him with others, play his own voice back to him. He'll probably be shocked.

And most of all; find another family member or friend to stay with. There are a lot of domestic violence support groups in Asheville. Contact one of them if you can. Please, take care of yourself!
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
BrklynLiberal Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 07:47 PM
Response to Original message
7. I agree with yardwork Your priority needs to be to get yourself out of
Edited on Tue Jan-11-05 07:50 PM by BrklynLiberal
that house. Getting settled in yours aunt's house and starting to go to a 12 step group is a great way to start getting yourself together. There are many different kinds of groups and I would bet that you would be able to find one that could help you. Perhaps an abused women's shelter might be able to help out too, or suggest a location of a 12 step group.. Even if you are not physically abused, it would seem that you are emotionally abused.

http://www.draonline.org/meetings_dra/usa/north_carolin...

Here is a website for Dual Recovery Anonymous
They are all in N. Carolina.
you can do a google search on "12 step programs, North Carolina" and seeif anything better shows up.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
pennylane100 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 07:49 PM
Response to Original message
10. You should try to get away from your step father
as soon as possible. He sounds like a very unstable person.

You might try talking to your mother first to see if she will kick him out but it sounds like she has put up with him for a long time and is not prepared to deal with him.

He is a very scary person and the further away from him you are, the better you will feel. If a relative cannot take you in, try renting a room somewhere till your employment situation gets better.

Good luck in what ever you decide and keep us posted.

Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
BelleCarolinaPeridot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 07:51 PM
Response to Reply #10
14. We have all talked to her ...
and its like talking to a brick wall . You are right . I am going to concentrate on getting myself out . That was my first goal all the long .
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Divernan Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 07:50 PM
Response to Original message
13. Get professional help quickly - this guy will get worse with age.
And since he's already so disturbed and has beaten you in the past, and since he literally "broke" into your grandmother's home (which is way beyond "rude"' ; it's criminal), chances are very good he is beating your stepbrother (how old is he?).

Step One - go to your grandmother's house or anywhere where you can make a private phone call, and look in the blue pages your phone book for a women's shelter/hotline. Start talking with them and they will tell you your options and give you the support you need to get strong enough to get out of this situation.

It sounds like your mother's family are all easily intimidated and easy victims for your stepfather. Whether they will ever be able to stand up for themselves is their individual problem. Your concern is YOU, and secondarily your stepbrother.

It's important that your stepfather not be alerted to any steps you take to free yourself from this situation, until you are ready to act. So keep this to yourself. If there is any chance your grandmother will tell your Mother or ANYONE else what she may hear you say on the telephone - do not call in front of her. You can make a very short call to a shelter and ask them where you can meet someone to talk.

Godspeed to you Peridot, and let us know what happens.
Nancy
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
BelleCarolinaPeridot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 07:53 PM
Response to Reply #13
16. I am already safe since I have a cell phone .
So I can make the call from any place possible . It took a lot of years for me to stop having panic attacks and to have another one makes me feel like crap .

I just need someone to talk to that's all .
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
BrklynLiberal Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 07:57 PM
Response to Reply #16
19. I think your panic attack is a warning from your subconscious that you
should get the hell out of there. It is sort of a sign that things are getting really rough, and you need to get away from that situation....quickly.
I would pack a small suitcase tonight and go to your aunt right away. Find a shelter or a 12 step program, and make the break as soon as possible.
This panic attack is like an alarm ringing in your brain. Do not ignore it.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
HeyManThatsCool Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 08:09 PM
Response to Reply #19
22. I agree with BrklynLiberal
Something isn't right there.

Is he physically abusive as well?
You don't need to answer that- but if he is GET OUT TONIGHT- right before you call the police and report his ass.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
JVS Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 07:53 PM
Response to Original message
17. I'm sorry to hear of your troubles
:hug:

I think you need to move away from your family.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
bling bling Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 08:08 PM
Response to Original message
21. Please consider this:
This is going on in your body when you feel stressed:

1) Increased heart rate
2) Increased blood pressure
3) Fight/flight mechanism keyed up and ready.
4) Insulin level increases, increased blood sugar
5) Cholesterol level raised (this is the body's way of being ready to clot blood faster should you be physically attacked)
6) Heart rhythm disturbed
7) Veins constrict so that the blood can concentrate on the vital organs (you can tell this is happening because your hands and feet get less blood and feel cold).

If you are living in a stressful environment, your body is dealing with the above reactions on a constant basis. This will obviously have a negative impact on you physically. It will also affect you mentally because it affects the way your brain functions.

I hope you can get out of there quickly.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Nadienne Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 08:22 PM
Response to Original message
27. Is he on drugs or something?
If so, turn him in. Get him out of your hair, and out of your family's hair. You could also possibly turn him in for domestic disturbances, maybe get a judge to put a restraining order on him. And if you can do that, your mom might snap out of it and realize he is a real problem...

Otherwise, I don't know what to tell you...
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
BelleCarolinaPeridot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 08:32 PM
Response to Reply #27
33. He has to take a lot of medication due to a heatlh issue .
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
nickgutierrez Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 08:26 PM
Response to Original message
30. Could you possibly live with your grandmother for a while?
I say this only because I really think you need to get away from the house for a short time. The extra stress that you're going through is obviously very tough for you, and it might help to get away from it for the time being.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
BelleCarolinaPeridot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 08:33 PM
Response to Reply #30
34. My grandmother already has someone living with her ...
but I will be going over my aunt's house for a couple of days . She told me earlier today I could .
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
nickgutierrez Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 08:37 PM
Response to Reply #34
35. That's a good idea too.
Best wishes. :hi:
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
livinginphotographs Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 08:27 PM
Response to Original message
31. First thing, I would recommend calling the police.
Even if he's never gotten violent physically, he seems on edge, and he may be pushing to see how far he can go. I had a friend who's dad was like this, verbally abusive, cheating all the time, and it didn't take him long to start hitting people.

Even if the police can't do anything, there will at least be a record of his pattern of behavior.

Next thing is start working on getting out of there NOW! There may be only so much you can do for your mom (she honestly sounds pretty codependent, no offense, really) but you know what's bad for you and what's not, so pay attention to your gut.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Magrittes Pipe Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 08:41 PM
Response to Original message
36. I'm glad to know that you are almost able to get out....
Abusers can only be abusers when they have access to victims. In other words, when people are dependent upon them; whether it's actual economic or physical dependence, or a perceived dependence.

It's apparent that your mom thinks she needs this man, and that's tragic. I'm very sorry for you and for her.

But, on the other hand, you know you DON'T need him. That you have the ability to make it on your own. That you are strong, and you are brave, and you are smart, and you are talented, and you will NOT be a victim. That's good to know.

I know you worry for your mom and your brother. But you need to help yourself before you can help them. I have no doubt you can do it.

Abusers are small, pathetic, dessicated fucking insects on the bootheel of humanity. You're better than that, and you know it. You'll survive this.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
GreenPartyVoter Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 08:57 PM
Response to Original message
39. *hugs* I know all about panic attacks
I hope you can find the best possible solution for your situation, and fast!

*more hugs*

-------------------------------------
Would Jesus love a liberal? You bet!
http://timeforachange.bluelemur.com/
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
BelleCarolinaPeridot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 08:58 PM
Response to Reply #39
40. Panic attacks suck - its one of the worse feelings ever .
Edited on Tue Jan-11-05 08:59 PM by CarolinaPeridot
:hug: Thank you :hug:
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
cry baby Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 09:05 PM
Response to Original message
41. So sorry you are going through that, you're so young, you should be
enjoying your youth. He sounds like such a bully!
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
BelleCarolinaPeridot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 09:25 PM
Response to Reply #41
42. I know that " and this too shall pass ... "
I just wish that all the BS in my life would just disappear but I know that only I can make that happen .
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
huellewig Donating Member (700 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jan-12-05 12:13 AM
Response to Reply #42
54. It will pass.
Really, slam the blame in the face of the culprits. You are sweet. Your family are the fuckers. Blame the shits that deserve it. They fucked you, fuck them back. You are on the right track. The rest of the world is the problem.

And at the old age of 27 I have wanted to put a bullet in my head so many times. I like Pringles to much to do something like that.

That isn't going to sound very good when I sober up. Have a great night...
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
sendero Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 09:37 PM
Response to Original message
43. Useless male response....
... this won't be helpful but reading your story makes me, well, angry.

This guy needs to meet 3 guys in a dark alley (I'd happily be one) and get the stuffing beat out of him.

You mom is almost certainly cowed by this neaderthal thug and is probably afraid to confront him on any level. Again, he needs to have the shit beat out of him - that is no way to treat people and especially no way to treat a woman.

You probably are not going to be able to get your mom to do anything, but YOU need to get out of this toxic environment as fast as you can. I know it is easy for me to say and hard for you to do, but really, YOU HAVE TO AND SOON.

As for panic attacks, I suffered with them for a time and they are living hell - anyone who hasn't had one doesn't have ANY IDEA what kind of mind-f*ck they are. Can you get some kind of medical help? I hate thinking you are dealing with that too. Maybe if you get away from thug-man you will stop having them???

I hope you find a way to a better place.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
roguevalley Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 09:53 PM
Response to Original message
44. you sound like you have an anxiety disorder, mild probably. Go
to a doctor and get a physical. See if they will prescribe a MILD sedative, like trazadone or ativan. Start looking for another place, even if its a shelter. You have to find a place where its quiet, you can sleep and catch up on the fatigue that is eating at you and feel well.

Keep at it and I HIGHLY recommend you do the doctor thing because the anxiety and emotion that is filling you is sapping your will and your wellness. I counseled a rape victim that had been my student and she couldn't even think straight in her state. She went to the doctor, got a 1 mg ativan three times a day and it cleared. She can function and take care of the rest of her troubles now that all her energy isn't going to her physical anxiety. Do it, honey. PM me if you want to talk.

RV, hating how hard it is for so many folks. (Your mom probably feels this is the devil she knows, not the one she doesn't. Sometimes it takes forever for people to extricate themselves, if ever. Financial dependence makes people put up with a lot. Save yourself first. Save your mom after you save yourself.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
jdj Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 09:59 PM
Response to Original message
45. I am so sorry, CP.
I am in North Carolina as well. (Also a peridot virgo birthstone).

I am so sorry that you are going through this psychological torment. Know that you are not alone and you are not crazy. A therapist told me once that "you cannot receive a negative message about yourself over and over without it affecting you." I was very offended by this because I believed you could just turn it off and not let it hurt you.

My father is similar but probably not quite as bad. I am 36 and going through the same thing, renting from my parents again after I left a really good job to come back to NC and help take care of my grandmother until she died in 03. I am sure that being away from them for three years gave you perspective on just how sick their behaviors are. One thing I know that you need is reinforcements, people to tell you that you are not crazy. I know that twelve step groups and support groups are great for this. You need, as I do, a group of people behind you telling you you are a good person and are sane, and capable.

I don't know why men in traditional family roles behave in this diseased fashion. Is he an alcoholic or addict? Truthfully, ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) is the best group I've experienced for dealing truthfully with relatives like this. But in my case my Dad is a non-drinker, non-user. And my mother is in complete denial. My coming back here happens to coincide with my parents being denied contact with their only grandchild because of my Dad's abusive behavior to my brother's wife. Unfortunately my mother uses dramatic terminology such as that my brother has "turned against"her and my Dad, never acknowleging that my Dad's behavior is unacceptable. Because before this happened my brother drove to NC from FL to ask me about details of my sexual abuse by another relative and I was truthful with him, my father even blamed me for my brother having broken contact with them. They have used the most painful thing that ever happened to me to hurt me, which is almost unforgivable, rather than accept the fact that my father is abusive and assaultive verbally in his treatment of others and that my mother stays in denial and enables him, which my brother has told me is why he initially became worried about them around his child.

Sorry to go on like this about my own personal stuff, I just want you to know you are not alone. After being away from this sick family dynamic for 18 years, being exposed to it now I am stunned that it did not crush my spirit completely, as I was the scapegoat and the child that he vented on the most. Unfortunately we have had some screaming matches and I have expressed the truth to him, which I never intended to do upon coming here. I am sad for my Mom that her staying in perpetual denial about my father's abusive ways has cost her so dearly, but in a sense it is the choice she made. In a sense your Mom is making the same choices. I am sorry you are experiencing panic attacks, I know that must be terrifying. Please find a group of people or therapist for the sole purpose of keeping you grounded in the reality of your own goodness, intelligence and competence in the face of this barrage of assaultive behavior. The older you get, the more you will marvel at your own strength at surviving and thriving in the face of it, but even you need countermeasures against his sickness, and I'm saying this as much to myself as to you.

He's trying to portray you in a bad light because that's what abusers do, Mom is his object and abusers try to cut off or injure emotional ties that can come between their object and others.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
BelleCarolinaPeridot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 10:48 PM
Response to Reply #45
50. Your mom sounds like my mom ...
and I don't know what her problem is . Your situation sounds so much like mine . Being away for 3 years I really did see how they are . I have grown to hate Sunday mornings because that is when I hear them talk negative about every single thing . Its always as if someone is against them and etc . And I hate it . I work so hard and extra hard to make and save money to get out of this house - but current job is so inconsistent that its unreliable . Nobody told me to go out and get a job , I went out and got it myself .

I understand your brother completely . I have had thoughts towards the time to when I have children of my own , I plan on keeping them far away from here . Sad but that's the plan . And yep , my mom's husband would try to turn my mom against me all time growing up . He does not get it that I am her child . Its just stupid .

I actually told her once I am gone , I am gone . Why I ever came back from Germany - I should have stayed . I can only save myself .
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
jdj Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 11:35 PM
Response to Reply #50
53. Good luck with the job search,
one thing that really upsets me about my family is the bitching and negativity. When you bring up the tsunami it just drives it home, sometimes I want to scream at them "do you know how lucky you are, do you know how blessed you are?" But it is unresolved internal conflicts driving them. Of course now that this has all come up about the sexual abuse my mother wants to talk about it now, including her history. When I told her about it as a child, she didn't react. When I tried to deal with it again as an adult in my early twenties after developing chemical addiction and self-injury behaviors, and sought therapy for this, she accused me of "bragging about" my sexual abuse history. But now that it has had this impact on her life she suddenly wants to talk about it and I have no desire to discuss it at all. I've done my time, almost ten years in therapy and twelve step groups, with nothing but denial and "aggressive non-support" from my family.

It's a horribly painful thing to experience this kind of family sickness, it's like living in the days after 9/11 where the plane just keeps crashing into the building every fifteen minutes, but the event never ends...there is never any closure. And it takes two people to create this situation. I am sorry I did not echo the sentiment of everyone else on here that you need to get out, because if you feel you are in physical danger then you do. My father has only threatened me physically once since I have been here, and I just responded to him that any one of us could get a gun and blow the other one away, which I think took him aback. But my specialty as a child was not letting him know that I was afraid of him. Unfortunately I convinced myself as well, and buried my sense of fear. I remember one time when he threw his pocket knife at me (opened) in front of his brother, and the look of shock on his brother's face, this was the first time (I was 23) that I let myself feel that this was not appropriate behavior, because someone else validated it. I am guessing that your mother has serious abuse issues in her past, you have to to have this package of denial in adulthood. She can't see what is happening to you because she is protecting herself. It's narcissism at it's core grown out of a survival skill acquired probably in childhood. My mother is the same, she used to criticize us for "not forgiving" the person who abused us, yet she I think sees now that her way of denial did not work, it only resulted in her children being abused as well. Just typing this I am feeling nausea at how sick this is. You will be in my thoughts and prayers, I hope you get out soon.

Lucky for me my Dad is 60 and more mellow than he used to be, and after we screamed at each other for about a year he seems to have called a truce. Plus my mother morphed into fundie-ism so he's having to "act" like a christian to please her. Praise jesus. LOL.

Good luck, and try to get some loving support for yourself.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
BelleCarolinaPeridot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jan-12-05 12:38 AM
Response to Reply #53
55. Again thank you for your words jdj :)
I am going to your advice as well - and I understood everything that you typed . Again you made so much sense . Thank you for your prayers - I need them . My bf ( who is currently training for Iraq )sneaked and called me while hiding from the higherups in his sleeping bag so I feel a little bit better . Again thank you . I am going to try to get some sleep . :hug:
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
gardenista Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 10:09 PM
Response to Original message
46. I just read the whole thing. First, you need to get out, no matter how
you do it. Your mom needs to take care of herself, and the same thing with the rest of your family. If he is behaving violently toward you, or threatening you, you need to call the police.

I hope one of those jobs comes through for you. You deserve a change in your luck, that's for sure.

Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
BelleCarolinaPeridot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 11:12 PM
Response to Reply #46
52. Thank you mgdecombe :)
I praying hard that one of these jobs comes through for me .
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
henslee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 10:21 PM
Response to Original message
47. Whoa, other posters are right, you need to get out. Too bad you can't
live with grandma. Go find a nice roommate situation -- a house share.
Hopefully with some nice, square kind, people with jobs. No drama. Get some crap work just to cover your nut. You will feel an amazing sense of relief. Disengage from the whole scene and you will feel better.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Lorien Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 10:45 PM
Response to Original message
49. What kind of job are you looking for?
maybe we can help with that. Finding one well outside of town could change things for you in a hurry.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
BelleCarolinaPeridot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 10:53 PM
Response to Reply #49
51. I am trying to finish up my college degree in Political Science ...
I would love to work with computers and I have experience with distribution / manufacturing / warehouse jobs ( that's where I currently work at ) - but its so hard where I live to find good work . You have to know someone - I am at the point I might go help the Tsunami Victims just to get out of here .
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
DU AdBot (1000+ posts) Click to send private message to this author Click to view 
this author's profile Click to add 
this author to your buddy list Click to add 
this author to your Ignore list Wed Jul 23rd 2014, 11:51 PM
Response to Original message
Advertisements [?]
 Top

Home » Discuss » The DU Lounge Donate to DU

Powered by DCForum+ Version 1.1 Copyright 1997-2002 DCScripts.com
Software has been extensively modified by the DU administrators


Important Notices: By participating on this discussion board, visitors agree to abide by the rules outlined on our Rules page. Messages posted on the Democratic Underground Discussion Forums are the opinions of the individuals who post them, and do not necessarily represent the opinions of Democratic Underground, LLC.

Home  |  Discussion Forums  |  Journals |  Store  |  Donate

About DU  |  Contact Us  |  Privacy Policy

Got a message for Democratic Underground? Click here to send us a message.

© 2001 - 2011 Democratic Underground, LLC