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Renew Deal Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 05:53 PM
Original message
Something to offend everyone
Edited on Tue Jan-11-05 05:56 PM by Bleachers7
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

1. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan.

2. What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

3. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag.

4. Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.

5. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? One US leader.

6. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.

7. Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

8. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together? 100 people who don't do dick.


SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST WARMING UP!)

1. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.

2. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.

3. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs.

4. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes.

5. How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

6. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.

7. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.

8. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

9. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

10. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

11. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18.

12. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.

13. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

14 What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"

15. What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck

16. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.

17. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA.

18. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.

19. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo."

20. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.


SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III (Just Great Stuff)


1. What's the Cuban National Anthem? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

2. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.

3. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

4. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.

5. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring.

6. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

7. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!

8. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time...A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

9. My, my, how times have changed. Years ago...When 100 white men chased one black man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan; today they call it the PGA TOUR.

10. Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

11. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"
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maveric Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 05:57 PM
Response to Original message
1. What do you get when you cross a Pole and a Jew?
A janitor that owns the building.
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Renew Deal Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 05:58 PM
Response to Reply #1
3. lol
I wonder how long before the thought police (not the mods) will start raining on this thread.
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Commie Pinko Dirtbag Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 05:57 PM
Response to Original message
2. Let's make this perfectly clear:
I never rode a motorbike, and the only vacuum cleaner I ever used was Black&Decker.
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LDS Jock Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 06:01 PM
Response to Original message
4. I'll play.. heres some I've heard
What is the definition of Tejano music? Polka played with stolen instruments.

Why to Mexicans have tamales for Christmas? That way they have at least *something* to unwrap

Did you hear about the man eating tiger loose on the BYU campus? He starved to death.

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Worst Username Ever Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 06:01 PM
Response to Original message
5. The post office one! Brutal!
Lol!
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achtung_circus Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 06:07 PM
Response to Original message
6. How do you make 5 pounds of fat attractive?
Put a nipple on it.

pa-ding.
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RagingInMiami Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 06:13 PM
Response to Original message
7. What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
One less drunk.

I'm bookmarking this thread. It's hilarious.
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48pan Donating Member (957 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 06:14 PM
Response to Original message
8. What do you get when you stand a blonde on her head?
Edited on Tue Jan-11-05 06:15 PM by 48pan
A brunette with bad breath.
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Arkana Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 06:16 PM
Response to Original message
9. Here's mine
Q: What do you get when you put 32 rednecks in the same room?
A: Full set of teeth.

Q: What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
A: Kids don't eat broccoli.
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Lenape85 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 06:24 PM
Response to Reply #9
11. Replace kids with GHWB
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Lenape85 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 06:23 PM
Response to Original message
10. What do you call a Chinese chef who uses Aunt Jemima Maple Syrup
Condoleeza Ricepicker
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LDS Jock Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 06:26 PM
Response to Original message
12. a black guy and a Mexican open a restaurant
they name it.. Nacho Mama
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corksean Donating Member (419 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 07:23 PM
Response to Reply #12
20. "a chinese guy and a jewish guy opened a restaurant"
they name it So Su Me
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LDS Jock Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 06:30 PM
Response to Original message
13. What do you get when you cross a jew and a gypsy?
A chain of empty retail stores.
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HEAVYHEART Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 06:30 PM
Response to Original message
14. hahaha!
I love it!
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LDS Jock Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 06:34 PM
Response to Original message
15. this one may be pushing it
How do women in Ethiopia know when they are pregnant?

When they take out their tampon it is half eaten.
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Bok_Tukalo Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 06:38 PM
Response to Original message
16. A W.A.S.P. is making love to his wife when suddenly he stops
and says, "honey, did I hurt you?"

"No," she replied. "Why?"

"Because you moved."
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ZombieNixon Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 06:38 PM
Response to Original message
17. What do you call 32 blondes standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.

Why is a car better than a woman?
You don't feel guilty when you dump her and see her on the streets again.
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Rowdyboy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 07:05 PM
Response to Original message
18. What are the last words most southern women hear from their husbands?
"Hey baby, watch this!"
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Rowdyboy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 07:21 PM
Response to Reply #18
19. Also, A woman had identical twin boys she gave up for adoption
Edited on Tue Jan-11-05 07:21 PM by Rowdyboy
One boy went to Egyptian parents who named him Ahmal. The other boy was adopted by a Mexican couple who named him Juan.

Years later the woman desperately wanted to meet her boy so she went to Mexico to visit Juan. When she returned home, her husband asked if she also wanted to visit the other boy in Egypt. She replied, "No, if you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"
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corksean Donating Member (419 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 07:25 PM
Response to Original message
21. Heard about the insomniac agnostic dyslexic?
Edited on Tue Jan-11-05 07:26 PM by corksean
He lay awake at night wondering if there was a dog.

or the guy who was into sadism, necrophilia and bestiality who quit when he realised he was flogging a dead horse.
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Rowdyboy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 08:15 PM
Response to Original message
22. How do you separate the men from the boys in Atlanta?
With a crowbar.....

What do you need when you have a Republican buried up to his neck in sand?

Another bucket of sand.


What do you call 5000 drowned fundamentalists at the bottom of the ocean?

A very good start....

Okay, I'm over the line...I'll step away for a bit.

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proud2BlibKansan Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 08:20 PM
Response to Original message
23. Do you know why blind people don't skydive?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
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