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Thtwudbeme Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 12:50 PM
Original message
What would you do if your husband or wife took a job
in a place that you dislike so much that living there damn near ruins the quality of your life?

His/or hers gets better--they enjoy their job--but, you have spent almost a year there, and your depression is just getting worse by the day?

No "divorce" answers...that is just not going to happen.

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NYYFan Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 12:52 PM
Response to Original message
1. Hi Steph
Is commuting from a closer, more tolerable area an option ?
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Thtwudbeme Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 12:53 PM
Response to Reply #1
4. That's one thing we are considering
but, that is so flipping expensive!

I think it's going to come down to that within a year though, to be honest!

How are you?
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NYYFan Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 12:54 PM
Response to Reply #4
6. Check your PM
;-)
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Thtwudbeme Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 12:58 PM
Response to Reply #6
13. I will; be home about 7 tonight
;)

Good to hear from you
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liontamer Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 12:52 PM
Response to Original message
2. live apart
or live somewhere where you can live together, but commute easily both to his/her work and a place you enjoy
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LisaM Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 12:52 PM
Response to Original message
3. Talk to a counselor
I heard something like this on the radio years ago. It was on "Talk of the Nation" and the subject was loneliness and a caller phoned in with a situation much like you describe. The caller was in tears, and the host and expert jumped in and made sure she stayed on the line so that they could give her some referrals to deal with her situation. I practically started crying myself listening to her.
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Thtwudbeme Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 12:55 PM
Response to Reply #3
11. That's crossed my mind too
I have gotten to the point of not being even remotely interested in going out; can't stand the thought of meeting people---it's bad.

The worst part is that I am a pretty social person-

At this point, I know it's depression on top of hating this "city."
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Wat_Tyler Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 12:54 PM
Response to Original message
5. Try to find ways to like the new place.
Believe me, I never liked Calgary, but now - It's OK.
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burythehatchet Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 12:54 PM
Response to Original message
7. I'd scratch my head and mutter
"that must have been a helluva bender, I don't even remember getting married."
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last1standing Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 12:54 PM
Response to Original message
8. Can you convince them to move to a better area?
If not, then you have no choice but to either suck it up or live in two different places. It sounds like you're in a bad spot, both geographically and emotionally.
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La Lioness Priyanka Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 12:54 PM
Response to Original message
9. discuss seriously with my partner
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Modem Butterfly Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 12:54 PM
Response to Original message
10. Have you talked to your spouse/partner?
If s/he loves you, s/he wouldn't want you to be miserable. And surely s/he deserves the opportunity to work with you to find a solution.
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Thtwudbeme Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 12:57 PM
Response to Reply #10
12. Yes, and I am having a ton of guilt too
for making him even listen to this anymore; it's not all that fair to him---he is not the problem--and deserves to be happy in this place.
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NYYFan Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 12:59 PM
Response to Reply #12
15. You have to keep talking about it- together
Don't shut down.

Good luck
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Modem Butterfly Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 01:05 PM
Response to Reply #12
17. It's a partnership
If you're going to live together you have to be willing to compromise to be happy. For instance, Will, my partner of ten years, used to be a PeopleSoft consultant. He made a lot of money and traveled extensively. After about six years, it got to be too much for us, so he took his current job, which, though it pays well, he finds to be dull. He's staying at his current job and my part of the bargain is to stay at my current job, where I'm hideously overworked but paid accordingly and have a ridiculously short commute (about six miles on surface streets). Neither of us are entirely happy about our work situations but our relationship is thriving.
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NYYFan Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 01:09 PM
Response to Reply #17
19. Good advice
Compromise is the key :thumbsup:
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sui generis Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 12:58 PM
Response to Original message
14. boredom is a failure of the imagination
what a perfect opportunity for you! Think of that Great American Novel plot that's been kicking around in your head for years. Start an organization to take care of old folks in your area, getting local sports teams to contribute their time and marketing ability.

Take up painting, sculpture, cooking, gardening, both flowers and veggies, whatever excites you!

Yeah, so your social life isn't where you think it should be. Fix that. Life isn't going to hand you any friend without a little work. And if you need to see a bigger city, get a piggy bank and keep filling it with schmoo money for the trips you need.

AND, when you're filthy rich from having your fantabulous novel published all over the planet, your recipes and gardening tips syndicated on cable, and an invitation from the Red Cross to head up a regional chapter in light of all the Florence Nightingale work you've done with elders and the needy, you can perhaps have a bit more influence on where you live too!
:evilgrin:.

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Zing Zing Zingbah Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 01:01 PM
Response to Original message
16. Tell your spouse you don't like living there.
Edited on Tue Jan-11-05 01:16 PM by Zing Zing Zingbah
It's kind of hard for me to understand how my husband's life could get better as mine gets worse. That's not how it happens in my family. If I don't like something, I bitch and complain about until something happens to change that situation. Anything that affects me, therefore, also affects my husband.

I used to be pretty depressed about living in Florida, but I'm happy now that we're we will be moving in a few months, and it is something we both want. My husband wants to go back to school and switch careers, and I want the hell out of here, so we're moving up north and he's going to school in the fall. It works for me.

I guess you have to let your spouse know how you feel so that you can together search for a compromise that will make each other happy.

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miss_kitty Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 01:09 PM
Response to Original message
18. No advice here
Just a 'Sorry it's so rough for you, and I hope you find a way to make it better' kinda thing.
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Lydia Leftcoast Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 01:09 PM
Response to Original message
20. I understand about living in a place you hate
I was stuck in a small town in Oregon for seven years. Everyone raved about what a pretty little town it was and what a great natural setting it had, but the people (outside the college where I taught) were half freeperish loggers and half New Age types who acted stoned, whether they were or not.

Being none of the above, I had a real struggle, because associating only with college people was really claustrophobic. I went into the worst depression I've ever had.

I did two things: get involved in community theater, where some of the few congenial townspeople hung out, joined a gym, and commuted to Portland (an hour each way) to join a church and a filmgoers' group. I also made sure that I got away during the summer, when I didn't even have the college activities to keep me busy.

Fortunately, I was denied tenure at the college and had the perfect excuse to move to Portland, where I already knew people.

Moving back to Minneapolis, where I didn't know anyone except my relatives anymore, I found a congenial church, started working on a political campaign, became a regular at our locally-owned coffee shop, and joined a gym.

None of it was easy, but having been a home-based worker for over ten years now, I have to take the initiative in meeting people.
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prolesunited Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 01:10 PM
Response to Original message
21. Sorry to hear that :-(
What do you dislike about living there so much? What have you been able to find to do with your time or are you just feeling isolated?
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Cheswick2.0 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 01:12 PM
Response to Original message
22. Is he happy there or just happy with his job?
Would a different neighborhood help?
Is this the first time you are away from friends and family?

Sometimes it is not the place but the big change in your life that is depressing. You could have moved to the greatest city in the world and still reacted this way.
Do you have a job you like? Are you going to school still?

I would try the counseling, you might be surprised to find out that there are solutions you have not thought of.

Good luck, I know how hard it is to be in a new place and feel like the only good thing going for it is that your husband lives there too.
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LisaM Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 01:20 PM
Response to Original message
23. Just out of curiousity - where are you?
Are you in the middle of nowhere in a red state?
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ihaveaquestion Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 02:07 PM
Response to Original message
24. I'd move.
Not meaning to be flippant here. If depression is an issue and my SO was so selfish as to not see it, I'd just move.
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CO Liberal Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 02:08 PM
Response to Original message
25. We're In That Situation Now
We moved to the Pueblo are in 1995 so I could take a job at an HMO that's no longer in business. Neither one of us really feel that Pueblo is "home" - I'm looking to get a transfer to someplace else.
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gollygee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 02:09 PM
Response to Original message
26. I know my husband would quit the job and we'd move
He's a sweetie and wouldn't make me live somewhere I'd be unhappy.

Have you tried counselling? Sometimes, even if your relationship is solid, having an uninterested third party involved can make these things easier.
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forgethell Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 02:29 PM
Response to Original message
27. Didn' t they discuss
it beforehand? What can of marriage is it when a major decision with possible life-altering consequences is not discussed before it is decided? Isn't the marriage an equal partnership?

Tell him how you feel. If he cares anything about you he will start looking for another job.

This actually has happened twice to me when I took a job. After moving, my wife, even though she had agreed beforehand, changed her mind and was miserable. I found a new job elsewhere. Now we are both in jobs we adore and living in the place we want to spend the rest of our lives in.

Good luck.

:)
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