post and receive a silly title

[Lerkfish]

(inspired by Cally's compliment thread)

if you post here, I will confer upon you a genuinely silly title.
Just to get the ball rolling, and to see what I mean:

To Skinner, I confer upon thee the title of:

Skinner: Mad Slinger of Sharpened pencils, Confounder of Lost Tourists

To Cally, I confer upon the the title of:

Cally: Hurler of the Sharp Cheddar of Death, He(or she) Who is Individually Sliced

see? so...to get your silly title, post here and ask for one, and specify your gender if you want (makes it easier to dream up a silly title)

...I've done this before, about 8 years ago at a private board, so I'm a professional on a closed course. Do not attempt this at home.



I edited to add: I'm at work, so there may be long periods of inattention to this thread, but I promise I will try to get to everyone. Also: I apologize in advance if anyone gets offended, but please don't, as they're supposed to be silly and just for fun. They may have no relevance to your actual personality...or if they DO have relevance, you might not want to admit that publicly....

[meegbear]

1. Title me baby!

[Lerkfish]

4. Meegbear:

I hereby confer upon thee:

Meegbear:Enigmatic Target, The One with the Moebius Soul No-Pest Strip

[Magrittes Pipe]

2. But I am already Lord Leakybottom.

[Lerkfish]

30. can't tell if you really want one?....but in case: whoisalhedges:

I hereby confer upon thee:

whoisalhedges; Valiant Buckler of Swash and Trimmer of Shrubbery

[soothsayer]

3. I'd like to see something in a nice lesbian title pleez

[Lerkfish]

6. soothsayer:

I hereby confer upon thee:

soothsayer: Digitalmatrix Maven of Destruction and Countess of Comfortable Shoes

[soothsayer]

106. Homophobe!

I mean...thanks! I'll take it.

[matcom]

5. Me!! ME!!

[Lerkfish]

8. matcom:

I hereby confer upon thee:

matcom: Holder of the Eel of Treachery/ Nordic Pizza Chef

[neweurope]

7. I'm new and an outsider and hardly can apply but since you're a

professional silly-title-conferrer...

I'm waitin'


-----------------------------

Remember Fallujah!

Bush to The Hague

[Lerkfish]

10. neweurope:

I hereby confer upon thee:

neweurope:Dervish of Pointless Wanderings

[neweurope]

26. *g* Well thanks a lot. Now I have to memorize....

*mumbles darkly*

Dervish of Pointless Wanderings
Dervish of Pointless Wanderings
Dervish of Pointless Wanderings...


-----------------------


Remember Fallujah!

Bush to The Hague

[KittyWampus]

9. Oh, Can I Have A Title As Well PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

pretty please, with sugar on top.

[Lerkfish]

12. cryingshame:

I hereby confer upon thee:

cryingshame:Awesome Swinger of Off-balance Weapons/ Master of Small Pastries!

[KittyWampus]

17. Awesome, You Want A Cannoli?

how about a Napolean?

[NamVetsWeeLass]

11. Me Please???....

and in case you can't tell by the "Lass" In my name, I would be Female

[Lerkfish]

15. NamVetsWeeLass:

I hereby confer upon thee:

NamVetsWeeLass:Enrapturing Angel of Confusing Beauty/ Errant Cab driver

[pres2032]

13. hit me with your best shot! title away!

[Lerkfish]

20. pres2032:

I hereby confer upon thee:

pres2032pres2032: Rustler of N'er-do-wells and Corrosive Mailperson

[sniffa]

14. gimme gimme gimme

i'm so aimLess without a titLe

[Lerkfish]

21. sniffa:

I hereby confer upon thee:

sniffa:Somnabulent Zombie of Really Bad Hair Days/Crusher of Whiners

[billyskank]

16. Go on then!

[Lerkfish]

23. billyskank:

I hereby confer upon thee:

billyskank: Incandescent Diviner of Lost Ballpoint Pens

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

18. I'm a Spanish nobleman! Those always have cool titles!

[Lerkfish]

25. Commie Pinko Dirtbag:

I hereby confer upon thee:

Commie Pinko Dirtbag: Maestro of Chiascuro Machismo

[da_chimperor]

19. I want one!

I'm a guy btw.

[Lerkfish]

27. da_chimperor:

I hereby confer upon thee:

da_chimperor: Compeller of Dark Mysteries and Dishwasher of Death

[da_chimperor]

35. Awesome! Thanks! n/t

[AverageJoe]

22. Hey, are all the titles used up?

Dang, I want me a title!

[Lerkfish]

28. AverageJoe:

I hereby confer upon thee:

AverageJoe: Liege of Lunacy/Mad Sorter of Laundry

[AverageJoe]

32. Good grief

How did you know? Now where is that damn hamper? Socks? Socks? Where's my fabric softner?????!!!!!

Aaawwwwooooooo!

[bowens43]

24. Me too please

[Lerkfish]

29. bowens43:

I hereby confer upon thee:

bowens43; Astral Diesel Mechanic, Deranged Furniture Mover of Despair

[TN al]

31. Please sir, may I have a title...

...preferably something with Grand Arbiter in it since I have proclaimed myself as such within my household of four boys, my wife is the Grand Inquisitor by the way what have you got for her.

[Lerkfish]

34. okay, a double: TN al:

I hereby confer upon theese (plural of thee)

TN al: Grand Arbiter of Broken Velcro and Crusher of Cardboard Boxes

and to your wife (whose name I don't know):

Grand Inquisitor of Inappropriate Action Figures and Herder of Testosterone

[GOPBasher]

33. May I have one?

[Lerkfish]

36. GOPBasher:

I hereby confer upon thee:

GOPBasher: Mage Adept of Cursed Magics, Crazed Collector of Pushpins

[GOPBasher]

37. LOL.. Thank you! :-) nt

[Lerkfish]

48. you're welcome...

my pleasure...seriously, I enjoy doing it.

[EstimatedProphet]

38. I can't wait to see what you come up with for me

[Lerkfish]

41. EstimatedProphet:

I hereby confer upon thee:

EstimatedProphet: Treacherous Instigator of Endless Monopoly Games

[Richardo]

39. What's my line?

[Lerkfish]

42. Richardo:

I hereby confer upon thee:

Richardo: Warder of the Wastelands, Unspeakable Trimmer of Toenails

[Richardo]

49. Hey, I trimmed some pretty unspeakable toenails just this morning!

Woohoo!

[eyesroll]

40. Okay.

[Lerkfish]

44. eyesroll:

I hereby confer upon thee:

eyesroll: Exasperator of Enemies, Sardonic Sultan of Sarcasm

[Lavender Brown]

43. Yay! I'm being knighted

[Lerkfish]

45. Lavender Brown:

I hereby confer upon thee:

Lavender Brown: Subtle Swordsman of the Vorpal Blade, Tacker of Loose Carpeting

[Lavender Brown]

63. Spooky!

Loose carpeting really does get to me

[Briarius]

46. These are great, might I have one too?

[Lerkfish]

51. okeydoke: Briarius:

I hereby confer upon thee:

Briarius: Master Conduit of Datastream Energy/ Deadly Pet Groomer

[Bertha Venation]

47. Hello, Lerkfish. I love your user name.

It reminds me of a button my sister gave me long ago, when I was young: "Lutefisk: the piece of cod which passeth all understanding."

[Lerkfish]

52. LOL! that made me laugh...here's your title...Bertha Venation:

I hereby confer upon thee:

Bertha Venation: Voluptuous Kitten of Carnage/ Feared Master of Cribbage

(I'm assuming you're female)

[Bertha Venation]

54. I am woman, hear me mew!

I love my title! I have never played cribbage, but my mother was fond of the game, so I like that part, too. Thank you!

You rock, Lerkfish. You should lerk a little less and fish these waters a little more.

[Fifth of Five]

50. I want one! Can I? Pretty please????

I'm of the female persuasion, if that helps.

[Lerkfish]

53. yes, that helps: Fifth of Five:

I hereby confer upon thee:

Fifth of Five: Vaulted Vixen of Books Too Heavy To Throw, Mistress of Knotted Shoestrings

[Fifth of Five]

58. Excellent!

I believe you have captured me perfectly!

[MissMillie]

55. Does that title come w/ a knighthood?

Or something similar for women?

[Lerkfish]

59. sure....To my silly feudal township, for what that's worth: MissMillie:

I hereby confer upon thee:

MissMillie: Learned Lady of Liederhosen, Knight Templar of Stale Cheese Doodles

[StopTheMorans]

56. Hit me up; I'm a man baby!

[Lerkfish]

60. StopTheMorans:

I hereby confer upon thee:

StopTheMorans: Apocryphal Zombie of Dust, Straightener of Crooked Pictures

[StopTheMorans]

64. My co-worker just asked me if one of her pictures was level this morning

what else do you know about me?

[Lerkfish]

66. I know that you're scratching your bum at this very instant...

oh, no, wait, that was me.



Its like I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING AT ALL TIMES! its enough to make me paranoid about myself.

[huskerlaw]

57. For my 300th post...gimmie a title!

Thanks!

[Lerkfish]

61. prepare thyself to be knighted: huskerlaw:

I confer upon thee:

huskerlaw: Scoundrel Scourge of the Wayward Seas/Killer of Toupees

[Mistress Quickly]

62. Me please

and I'll bet you can guess my gender

Thanks in advance!

[Lerkfish]

65. Mistress Quickly:

I hereby confer upon thee:

Mistress Quickly: Medieval Mistress of Vague Vengeance/Princess of Painful Puns

[Mistress Quickly]

68. LOL

I LOVE IT!!!! It's perfect!

[Lerkfish]

67. kick, and I should add that noone actually HAS to beg for one..

you can just post.



although creative begging CAN be amusing.

[bobbobbins]

69. Title me up!

[Lerkfish]

70. bobbobbins:

I hereby confer upon thee:

bobbobbins: Fearsome Wielder of Things that Will Poke Your Eye Out, Royal Runner With Scissors

[Aristus]

71. Lay it on me, baby:

I can't wait!

[Lerkfish]

75. Aristus:

I hereby confer upon thee:

Aristus: Baron Kheldar of the Kiddie Waterslide/ Evil Parking Valet

[Aristus]

77. Wow! No title has ever fit me better! Thank you, Lerkfish!

Thank you, oh, thank you!

[Lerkfish]

83. um..you're welcome, and remind me never to hand you my car keys.

[LWolf]

72. Go for it.

[Lerkfish]

76. LWolf:

I hereby confer upon thee:

LWolf: Paradoxical Lord of Dimensional Conundrums!

[LWolf]

84. LOL;

Could I modify that to be the Paradoxical Goddess of Dimensional Conundrums?

[Lerkfish]

86. absolutely!

sorry I didn't catch the correct gender.

but, since its paradoxical, maybe I was confused by the space time continuum

[LWolf]

88. ROFLMAO

Were you listening in on the discussion I just had a few weeks back with a student re: paradox inherent in time travel & space time continuum?

[Lerkfish]

98. no, but I have discussed that topic with relish in the past...

...er..or maybe i had relish on a hot dog once while traveling in time...

er...

I wrote a poem about time travel once...wanna hear it?

[LWolf]

101. Of course!

[Lerkfish]

103. ok, here goes...

Time Travel Is Impossible

Sure, it'd be nice to boldy sit
on liveried steed of Lancelot
or pinch the bottom of fair Juliet
and see what made Romeo hot


To buckle swash with Pirates dead
or huddle under tall Collosus
to kick the Fuhrer in the head
Smack Mussolini with galoshes


But think on this before you sleep
a Gordian knot is set in your path
a spatial hurdle you cannot leap
Under deadly weight of hidden math


For stars expanding outward flung
at speeds extreme and quite annoying
from points unknown to spots unsung
the measurements are not for toying


For even if enigma cured
of temporal manipulation
In years you'd hop, but here's absurd...
you'd land at what location?


For where we find New Hampshire now
a million years ago was different
And where was once a silly cow
a trillion light years distant


"Just do the math!" you may exclaim
But beg to differ, here I ask you
Tho you at axis x take aim
There's z and y and maybe double-u


And if space folds in upon itself
a pretzel dipped in stellar salt
Things don't stay neatly placed on shelf
nor stay when simply ordered "halt!"


So even if you wrestle WHEN
and cause it singular distress
the WHERE will sneak around you then
and strand you, "lost in space" address


and the saddest realization rhymes
while drifting past the stars in fear
Oh, you can get there anytime
you just cant get there from here.


First published at the Asimov's Forum, 2002

Copyright © 2002 by Bewildering Stories.

[LWolf]

137. I like this.

Thanks!

[txaslftist]

73. I just got to 400!

Gimme a title, please. Oh, and hey bobbobbins!

[Lerkfish]

78. txaslftist:

I hereby confer upon thee:

txaslftist: Ubiquitous Unscrambler of Erstwhile Enigmas

[txaslftist]

89. Thanks Lerkfish!

Now I have to unscramble what that means...

[Bouncy Ball]

74. I am Bouncy Ball

and I am female.

[Lerkfish]

79. Bouncy Ball:

I hereby confer upon thee:

Bouncy Ball: Grand Duchess of Polite Procrastination and Liberator of Lost Luggage

[KitchenWitch]

80. Title me, babe!

[Lerkfish]

81. KitchenWitch:

I hereby confer upon thee:

KitchenWitch: Emancipator of Shanghai'd Cookies, Valiant Champion of Stubborn Toasters

[greyfox]

82. I bow before theeeee....

and await my title. I am a male. I think. Lemme look again...

OMG!!!!!

[Lerkfish]

85. greyfox:

I hereby confer upon thee:

greyfox: Diabolical Hider of The Royal Remote Control and Slinger of Rusty Razor Blades

[greyfox]

87. Oh I am so humbled...

bless you, kind conferer of titles! I shall go forth and do...er.. my blade slinging, remote hiding best to honor you.

[ps1074]

90. can I get one please?

I am 30 years old male

Not the alpha male but still male

[Lerkfish]

94. ps1074:

I hereby confer upon thee:

ps1074: Paladin of Peanut Butter/ Lunatic Lighter of Other People's Cigarettes

[ps1074]

91. sorry for the dupe

[auntAgonist]

92. Lets see what you come up with for me :)

[Lerkfish]

95. auntAgonist:

I hereby confer upon thee:

auntAgonist: Libidinous Launcher of Lopsided Projectiles, Mistress of Marble Mayhem

[auntAgonist]

100. LOL you've been peeking!

libidinous huh, I love that word ..

me to a T ..


laughing here.

thanks for the fun!!

[rbnyc]

93. Here I am!

Electric with anticipation.

[Lerkfish]

96. rbnyc

I hereby confer upon thee:

rbnyc: Avenging Angel of Acronyms, Dread Disruptor of Congo Lines

[rbnyc]

97. Awesome!

Thanks!

[Lerkfish]

99. :) glad you liked.

[El Fuego]

102. Go ahead, DUB ME!

[Lerkfish]

113. El Fuego:

I hereby confer upon thee:

El Fuego: Harbinger of Exploding Chocolate-covered Cherries

[El Fuego]

138. I love it!! I have a title!

Thank you Lerkfish!!

[flvegan]

104. Can I have one too?

[Lerkfish]

114. flvegan:

I hereby confer upon thee:

flvegan: Unholy Inflictor of Tiny Paper Cuts

[fluffernutter]

105. hit me, lerkfish!

[Lerkfish]

115. fluffernutter:

I hereby confer upon thee:

fluffernutter: Duke of Dastardly Lane Changes, Vicar of Tight Underwear

[youngred]

107. dupe

[youngred]

108. dupe

this is one way to get a post total up, d'oh

[youngred]

109. please do

this is fun

[Lerkfish]

116. youngred:

I hereby confer upon thee:

youngred: Dauphin of Deep-seated Doubt, Admiral-elect of the Siberian Stock Exchange

[youngred]

118. sweet!

merci!

[kmla]

110. It is my turn.

Short description:

male
smart-ass
middle age

Take it from there.

[Lerkfish]

117. kmla:

I hereby confer upon thee:

kmla: Outrageous Prime Minister of Mental Torture/ Keeper of the Petting Zoo

[Lone_Star_Dem]

111. I want one too, please!

They're so cute...

[Lerkfish]

120. Lone_Star_Dem:

I hereby confer upon thee:

Lone_Star_Dem: Winsome Whistling Avenger, Lady Vermillion of the Squared Squirrel

[Left Is Write]

112. What title could you possibly give me?

[Lerkfish]

124. Left Is Write:

I hereby confer upon thee:

Left Is Write: Ambiguous Ambassador of Ambidextrousity, Countess of Corn Dogs

[Left Is Write]

126. Corn dogs?

How did you know? I have to make my annual pilgrimage to the Minnesota State fair for Pronto Pups.

(Ambidextrous, however, I'm not. The Countess will have to be good at pretending. )

[Longgrain]

119. And how shall you dud the Nobel Longgrain

For it is customary to grant the new Knight an added name?

[Lerkfish]

127. Longgrain:

I hereby confer upon thee:

Longgrain: Virulent Lord of the The Order of The Hapless Genome, Sprite of Unmatched Socks

[Longgrain]

134. Sprite of Unmatched Socks

LOL for so many reasons...

[Lenape85]

121. Dub me something

[Lerkfish]

128. Lenape85:

I hereby confer upon thee:

Lenape85: Satyr of The Saroyan Cigar, Citizen General of the Marching Band Groupies

[name not needed]

122. Ooh! Me next!

[Lerkfish]

129. name not needed:

I hereby confer upon thee:

name not needed: The Enigmatic Unknown Knight of Sausages, Composer of Metallic Requiems

[Tyler Durden]

123. pretty damned impressive.

Gotta name for an ol' Commie Socialist?

[Lerkfish]

131. Tyler Durden:

I hereby confer upon thee:

Tyler Durden: He Who Has Never Received An Atomic Wedgie, Exalted Comrade of Collectivized Lawn Gnomes

[Biased Liberal Media]

125. Sure...go for it! ETA: I'm female n/t

.

[Lerkfish]

132. Biased Liberal Media:

I hereby confer upon thee:

Biased Liberal Media: Treacherous Damsel of Intestinal Fortitude, Guileless Gendarme of Unrepentant Grocery Cashiers

[Biased Liberal Media]

133. Well you're definitely right

about the intestinal stuff, but I have never been a grocery cashier...LOL!!!

[Amaya]

130. Go ahead

[Lerkfish]

135. Amaya:

I hereby confer upon thee:

Amaya: Royal Ringletted Reclaimer of Discarded Threads, Her Highness, Champion of Oppressed Tailors

[Lerkfish]

136. Please continue in thread number 2:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.ph...

[RevolutionaryActs]

139. Oh how can I pass this up? HAHA

[charlyvi]

140. My turn, My turn!!!

Give me a good one--one for the AGES!!