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Any advice for the latest soap opera mess I've gotten myself into?

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Philosophy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 11:10 PM
Original message
Any advice for the latest soap opera mess I've gotten myself into?
(C'mon, you know you gossipy ladies can't resist...)

OK, there's this girl at in my office (first thing wrong, I know) that I go out dancing with at least every other week. We're kinda "just friends", mostly because she thinks it would be "too complicated" if we were more, because of the whole working in the same office thing (like I give a damn)...although we have kissed a few times when we had a little too much to drink while partying (can you kiss and remain "just friends"? - she seems to think so). I keep trying to subtly goad her into something more serious, but she always rebuffs me because of the work thing. Plus we've kinda become very close friends (I forgot to mention that) - we go out to lunch together with each other every day and talk about everything (except how we really feel about each other). She's the only really liberal woman I've been able to meet in over a year since I moved down here to Alabama.

I've heard that women actually pigeon-hole guys very quickly after meeting them as friend material or lover material, so now that I am such good friends with this girl I've almost resigned myself that it can never be anything more despite the fact that we're obviously attracted to each other and we get along extremely well (and this makes no sense to me).

While we have been seeing a lot of each other during the last 3 months or so, she has had 3 different (what she calls) "boyfriends" that she falls in love with instantly within a week after meeting them. The first one I got rid of when he caught me and the girl kissing goodbye after a dance he showed up at unexpectedly - he was super jealous, and a little creepy, plus I am kind of an intimidating looking guy and I totally crushed his hand when he tried to have a hand-squeezing contest with me when we shook hands when we were first introduced. I suspect she actually used me to get the guy to leave on purpose. The second guy was just some dude she met and liked a little and no one else was around so she let him take her out until she met the third guy.

This last guy now worries me though - he is an old friend that she used to know years ago who had a crush on her, but at the time she was living with her boyfriend of 7 years that she just broke up with before we started going out (did I forget to mention that). I guess he heard she had broken up with her long time boyfriend so he looked her up last last weekend and now instantly he is her new boyfriend. Tomorrow she is taking an entire vacation day off from work to go on an all-day date with him (I just found out about this so I never got to ask her where). He will be moving from Alabama to New York City in a month and he wants her to go with him, but she hasn't decided yet if she will go right away or stick around and try to do the long-distance relationship thing for a few months while she lines up a job up there (she's actually thinking a little straight here for once because she doesn't want to be stuck up there totally dependent on him).

Of course first of all I don't want the girl to go because we are such good friends. And I have now realized that I am also completely in love with her. Is it pure fantasy to believe that I can have a best friend who is also my lover? Plus how cruelly ironic is it that the only real obstacle keeping us apart this whole time was our professional relationship, which will now end simultaneously with her leaving with another guy?

Oh, and I forgot to mention that she stood me up on our scheduled date this past weekend, and to apologize she has offered to make it up to me on another date this Saturday (although she mentioned something off-hand about bringing her new boyfriend along to meet me - maybe I'm supposed to scare him off again? I'm so confused.)

Do I really have a chance any more?

Should I profess my true love to her now?

Should I just wait and see if she's really leaving before I do anything rash?

And finally could I be any more melodramatic or pathetic?

Stay tuned for our next episode.
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disillusioned1 Donating Member (280 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 11:14 PM
Response to Original message
1. Never get your honey where you make your money
At least that's what my Dad always said.

It's time to lay your heart on the line. Tell her how you feel. That's the only way to find out if you're lover boy material or not.

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Philosophy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 11:30 PM
Response to Reply #1
3. You must have missed the last episode
Almost a year ago I decided I was in love with a different girl in the same office. She's actually very conservative and religious and in fact we have almost nothing in common except we're both desperate. So of course I figured that would be enough and I decided to give it a shot and "lay my heart on the line" as you say and tell her how I felt. I also may have kinda asked her to be the mother of my children...I was a little drunk at the time...

Of course she shot me down hard.

We still work together and we get along ok, but there is still some residual awkwardness. I don't think she ever told anyone about that incident, she's so decent and kind...but it could complicate my latest situation.
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disillusioned1 Donating Member (280 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 11:57 PM
Response to Reply #3
14. At the risk of repeating myself
Don't get your honey where you make your money.

And...it's not love, babe. It's infatuation. Although, infatuation is Fun. Just learn the difference before you get hurt even more.
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Philosophy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 12:03 AM
Response to Reply #14
15. OK, WTF is love then? (Am I that clueless?)
OK, I admit the last episode was stupid in retrospect.

But this girl now tells me how she "falls in love" with these guys after knowing them for a week, while I take the time to get to know her very well before I even begin to become attracted to her (We've known each other for over 6 months). Which one of us is confusing love with infatuation? Or is "love" something totally different from both of these?
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SoCalDem Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 11:25 PM
Response to Original message
2. So..she stood you up, and she has a "friend"
Edited on Mon Jan-10-05 11:32 PM by SoCalDem
R U N .....

If it has not "developed" into more by now, it's NOT GOING TO.

Sorry to be so blunt, but you DID ask..

Unless you want to be the subject of conversations with her girlfriends...the kind where we all dish about the dorky guys who tried to hit on us....stop it right now..

She "gets it"..she knows you are "interested".. She is NOT interested..

BUT.. she may be interested in the lunches and the friend part.. The problem here is that once EITHER party to a male/female friendship "crosses the line" in your thoughts, there's no real going back to the pal-sie wal-sie stuff..

She's the object of YOUR affections, and you are not HERS.. Find yourself someone who thinks YOU are too important to stand up :)

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Philosophy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 11:43 PM
Response to Reply #2
7. Problem is I'm not a dorky guy
I'm 6'1", I can bench 270, I run 3 miles a day in under 20 minutes, I have six-pack abs, and full head of hair, and a nice tan. I have a college degree, a good job, and I make decent money. I have a 150 IQ. I don't mean to brag, but on paper at least I am a much better catch than any of the guys this girl goes out with.

She's the only girl in over a year that I've found I have anything in common with that I've managed to go on more than one date with in this freeper-infested military town. I'm afraid I'm going to end up stuck here alone forever.
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SoCalDem Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 11:45 PM
Response to Reply #7
8. I know you are NOT, but when she tells the story to her friends,
you are what she SAYS you are.. If you are trailing after her, trying for more than she wants to give,...well you get the drift :)

Put yourself out there for someone who deserves you :)

You sound like a great person, don't settle for secoond best :)
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goodbody Donating Member (243 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 11:35 PM
Response to Original message
4. try making her jealous for a change
Edited on Mon Jan-10-05 11:39 PM by goodbody
don't be a doormat.

edit: do small things: quit going to lunch with her everyday, have someplace else to go. Mention other people you met when you were out without her. Stand her up next time, or bring another girl (a friend) along. Mostly, quit the lunches, at least everyday. Leave work early without saying bye, but always be nice. Don't let her see you sweat.
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gardenista Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 11:41 PM
Response to Reply #4
6. GMTA!
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gardenista Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 11:40 PM
Response to Original message
5. She probably really likes you. As a friend. She's shopping
around for other guys, and spending time with you while she bides her time finding the "right one".

Want to keep her friendship? Keep hanging out and having fun.

Want to make it awkward? Fess up.

Want to get her to realize she loves you? Stand her up. Get busy with somebody else. DON't meet the boyfriend. Be a little distant. If she cares for you, she'll soon clear the air. If she's not that interested, she'll let it drop, and then you can go back to plan A.
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fluffernutter Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 11:46 PM
Response to Reply #5
9. good advice.
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Philosophy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 11:50 PM
Response to Reply #5
11. This whole "act like you don't like her" thing is intriguing
Does that really work? If so, this is what I've been doing wrong my whole life - I'm a consumate Mr. Nice Guy.
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miss_kitty Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 12:13 AM
Response to Reply #11
20. "act like you don't like her"=fake
Edited on Tue Jan-11-05 12:13 AM by miss_kitty
and I'll bet that's not you. see my post #19
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miss_kitty Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 12:11 AM
Response to Reply #5
19. I was going to post along mgdecombe's lines
There's this thing about being 'too available' that can be off-putting.

That said, I would not get into a bunch of fake-o-rama game playing. If you do a separation thing, you have to be into it, and that takes changing what you tell yourself about this situation,

Also, while you are busy, frittering your energy and thoughts away on a gal who has, for a while now, demonstrated she'd rather be with another guy, you make yourself totally unavailable for someone who may be THE Ms Right.

Good luck to you. I hope you end up with what you want
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Philosophy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 12:46 AM
Response to Reply #19
24. I'll cancel our date this Saturday at least
And probably go out anyway if I can pull myself together - maybe I'll find someone else, or maybe she'll come after me. If she doesn't, then I'll take that as a signal to stop making an idiot out of myself.
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hickman1937 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 11:49 PM
Response to Original message
10. You're probably her backup.
Women always keep a back-up man, usually a best friend. If nothing else works out in the next couple years, your her go to guy. Find someone else. Of course she'll do just enough to keep you an a string. In her eyes you are the guy who is hopelessly devoted to her.
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SoCalDem Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 11:52 PM
Response to Reply #10
12. When I was a single girl, we called them "puppies"
They were always happy to see us
They lavished affection on us for very little affection from us
and when we "ditched them" for another guy, the puppies always ran back to us later..

cruel?,, probably but lots of girls keep "safe" guys around for "when they need them"...but they are not the "A" list guys.. Those are the guys who can make US drop eveything at the last minute.. We are "their puppies".. :(
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jellybelly Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-10-05 11:53 PM
Response to Original message
13. I think you shower too much attention on her
Some women take advantage of that. Try ignoring her for a few days, she'll probably go crazy and realize she likes you...or maybe she doesn't have any feelings for you, but she'll care when she notices a change in your behavior. Some women like men competing for them.
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Philosophy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 12:10 AM
Response to Reply #13
18. I'm definitely going to try this
I can't believe I didn't see this before - she does seem kind of needy, like she has to have a "boyfriend" all the time so much that she's not even discerning in her choices. Let's see if she values our relationship enough to really care about someone for once.
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Systematic Chaos Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 12:04 AM
Response to Original message
16. As someone who was put through similar trials numerous times...
I have only one piece of advice, and that is to forget this woman is alive. You're just gonna let yourself get eaten up over it if you don't. Be cordial to her in the workplace, but other than discussions necessary to conducting your respective jobs don't allow the conversation to stray into anything else, period.

I know it will be tough to hit that mental "off" button, but you need to save your emotional energy for someone who has their priorities straight. I promise you that if you don't do this you will end up regretting it down the line.
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Kenneth ken Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 12:08 AM
Response to Original message
17. yes
you could be more melodramatic, you've haven't tried to beat up any of her boyfriends. You could also be more pathetic, you could have posted this in Freeperville. :D

So, my adivce for what it's worth:
You already missed your best shot; if you really wanted her, but she was uncomfortable with the wrok/dating together situation, you ought to have been looking for a different job to overcome her one objection.

From a larger perspective, you can't make someone love you. Think in terms of celebrities. Ever hear someone go on and on about how fabulous some <model, actress, etc.> is, and ou look at the celeb, and she arouses absolutely no interst in you? At best, you wonder what the gushing person sees in her. Real life is like that too. Do you fall for every woman you meet? No (I would hope) - some people are attracted to some people bnut not others. It doesn't say anything good or bad about either person, it just is.

In this case, she probably likes the attention and enjoys your company; it doesn't mean she secretly loves you, or wants you, any more than your spending time with male friends means you secretly love and want them.

Somewhere in your life, either the past or the future there is a woman who did or will love you, but you didn't or won't have those feelings for her. She felt or will feel what you feel now. Doesn't make either of you wrong, just makes you not right for each other.

:hi:
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Philosophy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 12:23 AM
Response to Reply #17
21. Holy shit, I've just had a weird revelation
Every girl I've ever been good friends with since about 3rd grade, either I've ended up secretly in love with them, or they've ended up secretly in love with me. And it's only happened at the same time twice, and those resulting romantic relationships ended quickly after that because we totally changed how we acted toward each other and turned into different people than the friends we liked in each other before.

Maybe it is time I put this whole childish "friends and lovers" fantasy of mine to rest finally and just go back to meaningless flings with chicks I pick up at bars. I mean if I try enough of them I'm bound to run into one eventually that I can stand to be around the next morning. That must be what true love really is.
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jellybelly Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 12:25 AM
Response to Reply #21
22. um....NO
Chicks in bars are gross. Next time, when you start to have feelings for woman, tell her immediately...Don't wait until she considers you a friend.
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Kenneth ken Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 12:29 AM
Response to Reply #21
23. I'm glad I could help
Please remember to see the cashier on your way out.
:D

Really, I wish you the best in whatever happens with this situation.
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FredScuttle Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Jan-11-05 12:51 AM
Response to Original message
25. "Um...by the way, she said no"




Run, don't walk, away from this...you'll thank yourself later.
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