Monday night time waster

[SoCalDem]

QUOTE - UNQUOTE

"Aquamudding -- it's a new thing and I have a feeling it's important..." Local L.A. News Anchor

"I don't mind if you voice an opinion, as long as you keep it to yourself." Chas Barkley, "the new Yogi B," (according to Hank Rosenfeld)

"Nothing better than a movie that says what it has to say and then shuts up." Short filmmaker J. Jonah Joey

"The reason it's always so difficult for this president to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is because it's usually three different stories." Sam Donaldson



THE DOCTOR IS OUT

Look "out." I've put together a collection of documentation statements purportedly from patient's charts in several major hospitals, sent by Bob Koster:

"The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce. While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. She is numb from her toes down.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately. The skin was moist and dry.

Patient was alert and unresponsive. He lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week. Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. Coming from Detroit, this man has no children. The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. He was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."



SHOW ME TEN PERCENT OF THE MONEY

From The Sampler: "On Galapagos Island there is a peculiar kind of finch that stabs other birds with its beak and drinks their blood." The forward Mr. Dubin notes that "Ornithologists would find this much less peculiar and readily recognizable behavior if they spent 15 minutes in show business." Or, as User Gurvitch adds, "There's no abyssness like show abyssness."



DIRECTIONS IN ENGLISH?

On an American Airlines packet of nuts - Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning - contains nuts.

On A Swedish Chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

On Tesco's Tirimisu Desert: Do not turn upside down. (Written on the bottom of the box.)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not Iron clothes on body.

On Boots children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning - may cause drowsiness.

On A Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children.

(From David Walster in Jolly Olde England)



SNACKTIME!

These "Worst Convenience Foods" were forwarded by Eugene Volokh, (who gives delightful teas) from a mystery chef unknown:

Meeter's Kraut Juice (Stokely/USA): Yes, sauerkraut juice... reputed by its fans to have certain medicinal benefits... which adds up to a classic case of the cure being worse than the disease.

Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports): The best thing about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty-looking sheep on the label who seems to be saying, "Go on, eat me already." The second-best thing is the presence of both "cooked mutton" and "mutton" in the ingredients, which would seem to have all the mutton bases covered.

Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.): If you're really looking to clog up those arteries in a hurry, you'll be pleased to learn that a single serving of pork brains has 1,178 percent of our recommended daily cholesterol intake. All the more ingenious, then, that the label on this product helpfully features a recipe for brains and scrambled eggs. (I have a can of this I purchased in London as a stocking stuffer, and I mean stuffer... Ed)

Musk Life Savers (Nestle Confectionery): You may think musk is a scent, but over in Australia, they think it's a candy flavor... albeit one that tastes disturbingly like raw meat. But what did you expect from a country where everyone happily consumes Vegemite?

Blind Robins Smoked Ocean Herring (recently discontinued by Bar Food Products): Possibly the world's most bizarre prepackaged tavern snack. Interestingly, the product's titular robin isn't actually blind, he's blindfolded -- the better, presumably, to avoid looking at these heavily salted herring strips, which look like giant slugs.

Kylmaenen Reindeer Pate: This Finnish canned good may not be particularly tasty, but at least it answers the age-old question of why Rudolph was so eager for that safe, steady job on Santa's sleigh team -- he didn't want to end up as a cracker spread.

Tengu Clam Jerky: Nothing you've ever consumed can prepare you for the horror that is clam jerky. Still, this product does score a sort of conceptual coup: If you're the sort who's always found raw clams too slimy and gelatinous for your taste, these dried, shriveled mollusks will help you dislike clams on a whole new level.



So... a guy posts a picture of his brand new car, and


http://homepage.ntlworld.com/tom.jeffs4/my%20photos/my%...

and
a scant two posts later, this one appears...

And "some people" say WOMEN are catty and petty


?click

cyber-vandalism..who knew??