Screw You All

[THUNDER HANDS]

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=2029287

THAT, was what I had to see this afternoon when I get back to school. My girlfriend hearing from the peanut gallery about how horrible I am and how much I can't be trusted.

Well, guess what - YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW ME.

You don't know the crap that I'm willing to put up with for this woman. You have no idea how much I love her.

Yeah, I lied about smoking. I told her I quit and hid the fact that I was still doing it. Then she caught me and I told her I was down to 2 a day and that was also not true.

Who gives you the right to make the determination that if I lied about that then I'd lie about bigger things?

You don't know me.

You don't know my value system. You don't know that I absolutely abhor cheating and would never do it to anyone - even women who I have no feelings for whatsoever.

But excuse me for wanting to conceal my smoking addiction from the love of my life. Excuse me for not wanting to make her angry and upset (because frankly, she gets upset rather easily).

You think you can be a perfect partner to someone?

You think you can go a day without pissing off the person close to you?

I worship this woman.

I've gotten out of my bed at 1 a.m. to travel to a Kinkos to print out her homework the night before it was due and she was freaking out about it.

I've been more patient with her constant verbal abuse than any boyfriend has a right to.

I've been more patient with her own private issues than any boyfriend has a right to.

I always make sure to tell her she's beautiful, even when she SWEARS she's the fattest woman on earth.

I don't yell at her. I don't berate her. I don't try to change her by constant criticism. I don't tell her to go on a diet and try to control her through mental abuse.

I just keep coming back, day after day, and love her. I just do my best to be a good boyfriend.

Am I perfect?

No. I lied to her about my smoking. I looked her straight in the eye and told her something that wasn't true.

Was that wrong? Yes.
Do I feel stupid? Yes.
Am I human? Yes.

But would I ever cheat on her? No.
Would I ever lie about something important? No.
Do I think lying about smoking and lying about seeing someone else are on the same level? HELL NO.

BTW, do you know how all of this came about?

Because I quit smoking 48 hours ago and was remarking about how strong the urges were.

I quit for her, and now that simple act has broken us up.

Boy, irony is a bitch, ain't it?

[sniffa]

1. don't sweat it

i don't know you either.

and don't be worry about smoking... i know i'LL stop one day or another, even if it's death.

[L84TEA]

2. Time for Dr Phil?

Seems to me we have our own little Soap right here on DU! I missed your girlfriends post. Obviously she must not have addiction?

I feel for ya buddy, I am a smoker too and I just can't seem to kick the habit! So if you went for 48 hours I applaud you!!

:thumbsup:

[tigereye]

9. as a former smoker

I have empathy for you MR. Doesn't seem like it's worth a break-up. It is not easy to quit smoking. Sounds like you have bent over backwards to be flexible. Good luck, and remember, this is just a bulletin board. No one knows what other people's personal lives really are like.

[Thtwudbeme]

3. I wasn't on that thread

it doesn't sound good...I am so sorry, dude.

Best of luck to you-

[buff2]

4. Don't put your personal business out on a public forum

It's as simple as that.

[HEyHEY]

5. He didn't someone else did it for him

That's the sick part

[buff2]

36. Well,that's a shame

It shouldn't have been done to him. That's why I'm usually careful what I say on message boards when it comes to personal things.I have been known to explode now and then,though... :evilgrin:

[Goldmund]

6. Dude, you can't imagine how much I empathize with you.

I totally understand what you're saying. Whether you smoke or not is nobody's business. You are affecting nobody but yourself. And nobody has the right to be the fucking cop. And nobody has the right to even demand that you be open about this. Including your girlfriend. Now, the fact that you weren't comfortable telling her the truth in this case is a symptom of certain distance and certain lack of openess in your relationship, which is something that is both of yours' fault -- but this is a "lie" only technically and not morally, since it is about something that has nothing to do with anyone but you and that you can choose to share or not. Don't ever let anyone take away your privacy. Only give up levels privacy at the altar of a completely open relationship, which you, obviously, don't have.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

95. Haven't you heard about the people who live with smokers?

They tend to get cancer and die too. I can see her point of view. He DOES hurt other people when he smokes. Second Hand Smoke is Deadly.
Duckie

[THUNDER HANDS]

98. for the record

I never once smoked around her. I don't smoke, or didn't smoke (hopefully, if i can use the past tense) around people who are not smokers.

I'm not rude.

[livinginphotographs]

99. See link...

http://www.davehitt.com/facts/who.html

And it doesn't sound like he was blowing smoke in her face the whole time.

[Dogmudgeon]

7. That was one ugly-ass thread

Maaaaan ... the moral hauteur that takes place over "lying" is astounding.

I'm guessing you're both kinda young (like under 25). Try your best to work through it. Lying is far from the worst thing you can do, and stuff like this is often the "wake-up call", in this case, about your smoking.

Don't listen to the hens and roosters who cluck about morality. You and your girlfriend are your own moral system. Just do right by each other.

Good luck!

--bkl

[skygazer]

8. I'm sorry about what happened

But blaming people on this board for something you brought on yourself is pretty counter productive. You DID lie to her. In her OP, she says and I quote, "This really bothers me and I dont know what to do. He doesn't think it's a big deal but it hurts me a lot that he has lied to my face about this for months. This makes it really hard to trust him about anything in the future and I don't know what to do."

That was what she felt before anyone else said anything (and I didn't even see that post until I read this one so don't blame me). This was something that bothered her. A lot.

You say you didn't want to upset her by letting her know you were still smoking. Well, you upset her a lot more by lying to her.

I'm sorry this has screwed up your life. But it's your fault. No one else's.

[zapp]

20. I hope you are pristine...

Cause if you aint...youre gonna eat those words...

[skygazer]

39. How absurd

No one is pristine. I'm simply saying that the poster is putting blame in the wrong place. And I'm genuinely sorry he and his girlfriend have been hurt here.

I know I've screwed up in my life. We all have. And I've probably blamed others for it when upset or angry. But that's wrong. And that's all I'm saying.

Peace.

[livinginphotographs]

67. Don't you think it was a bit inappropriate

For his gf to post their personal business on an open forum?

Shit, I'd break with up with HER for that...

[tjdee]

77. It's not really "their" business.

In cyberspace they are both anonymous (until someone's name is posted, or any other identifying factor).

I don't know, I feel kind of differently about the internets.

:)

[livinginphotographs]

87. Well it was their business until she decided to pull that crap.

Personally, I can't even stand it when my gf goes running to her friends with all of our personal business.

Of course, I make the unabomber look like a social butterfly...

[tjdee]

93. Yes, supposedly you are right...

All the "experts" say that problems within the relationship should stay within the relationship. Not running off to the friends/parents/etc. because you love the person, and no one else does, LOL! Causes problems when you two make up and the friends still hate your ass because of what they were told.

I'm very bad with that. If I'm torn over something, I'm going to at least bounce ideas off my sis and my best friend. But maybe loafie thought it would be best to come here and tell strangers to get an objective opinion??

I can't believe guys don't discuss their relationships with ANYONE. That seems kind of scary, like they think their way is always the perfect way or something. Eh, I don't know. This post is way too long and it's not like I have a great history with men or anything.

[Pithlet]

104. Yes.

My husband is a member here, and I can't even imagine him doing something like that, or doing or I doing something like that to him. And how hurt and betrayed either of us would feel.

If one is going to post about problems in their relationship, they should make sure that that person isn't a known member on the board, and they should keep the person they're kvetching about as anonymous as possible.

[ET Awful]

10. Damn :(

Well, I will always advise people to quit smoking (I did it 2 1/2 years ago, and I'd been smoking damn near 2 packs a day for over 15 years).

I won't knock you for having problems doing it.

But to have that happen in only 48 hours blows hard. It takes longer than that just to convince yourself that you can do it.

I didn't see the thread, and I didn't reply to it. I'll tell you what I would have said though. . .

Don't sweat it, quitting is tough as hell. It's not haveing someone stop eating a particular food, or having them stop watching a particular TV show, it's not merely a psychological addiction, it's a a physical one as well.

That sucks hard dude.

I'm bummed now :(

[Runcible Spoon]

11. I just got done reading that thread and I can see why you're pissed!

listen all, my MOTHER has lied point blank to my face that she's not smoking. That doesn't change her from being the most sensitive loving caring people who has always been there for me. People who have never been in that situation will never understand. It's NOT "well they lied about this who knows what they'll lie about". When you're in a situation when all you want to do is please someone else and you fail, it feels like shit. I'd like to know how many people have told lies without even knowing it! "hey how's that diet going!" "great" you say, as that Big Mac turns over in your stomach. Frankly I get a bit concerned when complete strangers take it into their hands to give advice that affects people's lives. I'm sorry this happened to you.

[billyoc]

12. Man, I'm sorry.

I apologize for yelling. I just saw "screw you all" and replied too fast.

[Goldmund]

13. Full Moon?

[chiffon]

27. LOL

[Runcible Spoon]

15. ouch dude

way to shit on someone when he's down.

[jdots]

22. it could be worse

[buckettgirl]

14. What you just wrote...

It sounded like I just read something that could have been written by my husband. thank you for opening my eyes.
i hope you can work things out.

[zapp]

16. Leave her!

I hads a relationship where the woman abused ME by making me out to be this horrible person....when in reality....she was slowly losing her mind... We had a kid...now I have custody....she's in a mental hospital...I hate it but some of these people are the embodiment of lunacy!

[Psst_Im_Not_Here]

17. To be perfectly honest...

She knew you were a smoker when she got involved with you. A person will not quit an addiction as strong as this one for someone other than themselves. You have to want to do it for YOU not for her. The addiction to cigs is stronger than heroin and cocaine...sure you may fail...but, you're willing to try again, which is the good part. But, if deep down you don't really want to quit, you will fail.

People lie to the ones they love in many little ways. "No, you don't look fat in that." "no, I don't find him/her attractive." etc. etc. etc. I don't buy into the theory that if they'd lie about small things, they'd lie about big things. It's a blanket judgement. EVERYBODY lies in one way or another.

Yes, you lied about smoking and about how much, but understanding of addiction needs to had by both of you. I'm sure you said you were sorry about it, and I'm sure you were sorry, but, to call of the whole relationship, well, to me it's extreme. I'm sorry that people came down so hard on you, it was a mistake, you said you were sorry, so what more can you do? She will either accept you for who you are, or not. Rule number one: You don't love someone for who you think they can be but for who they already are. You cannot change someone, only yourself.

[Shoeempress]

18. May I be really pushy? I see 2 bigger issues.

Why are you quitting smoking? Because you want to or because she wants you to? Also, why is she posting your private life on the this forum? Isn't that between the 2 of you? I can't judge your relationship and am trying not to sound judgmental, but this sounds like an issue of control and a misunderstanding of what a relationship should be about. Flame me if you want, but maybe you should think about your relationship dynamics.

[gollygee]

52. ITA

If you two decide to get back together, get yourselves to some kind of couples counselling if you want a future. I would *never* bring up something like that on a public forum, particularly one where he goes and people know him. It's like talking down your SO in front of other people - if you want a happy relationship, you just don't do it.

I can't imagine breaking up with someone over smoking of all things either. And I'm definitely a non-smoker.

[fishnfla]

19. dont do this man

dont air this shit out here. You'll ruin everything. The nic withdrawal and the love potion putting the whammy on you. Stop.

[Phillycat]

38. Agreed.

I wasn't on the other thread. This shit on stupid DU will poison your relationship. Fuck all this, go and talk to her and ignore all this drama.

[Sequoia]

21. Hang in there

it is hard to quit, and don't be hard on yourself and neither should she. I smoked and finally quit when my baby was born. I'd go outside on the porch but it took a while. I'd even go for a drive to smoke one but finally tapered off and quit and it wasn't a couple of months either. It is not a crime okay. Now here's a hug.

[DS1]

23. Best thread ever.

[theorist]

24. The first thing you must do is calm down.

I'm no advice columnist, but this reminds me of my own history with my SO.

The thing your girlfriend may not fully comprehend is that you hate to disappoint her. The smoking issue may seem trivial to her, but you know it's a serious flaw in your lifestyle. You only lied, because you feel ashamed, and maybe weak, that you can't just stop for her. You love her more than anything, and feel that you're failing her.

Her proposition that since you lied about this, you may lie about other things, is based in her own insecurities. It appears that you do as much as you can to help her through this, but it takes a lot of time. I honestly don't know you, but I've gone through this same thing. Fortunately, my girlfriend was willing to take an active part in my smoking habit. It's more about "us" quitting (she doesn't smoke) than it is about me.

As for the cheating thing, she probably knows deep down that you wouldn't cheat on her. You're a compassionate person, and I'm sure you would sooner break it off than put your relationship through that. This is a delicate situation, don't let these guys (who are probably just hoping to "comfort" her on the rebound) get to you. You know her, you're the one she spends her time with. Give it time, and show her you're quitting. Don't just tell her. It will mean so much to her.

[tjdee]

25. But do you understand WHY she's upset?

Certainly you understand that she thinks you will lie about whatever YOU deem unimportant/not a big deal/whatever.

It wasn't just one lie one day. It was over and over and over again.

I don't know that it's over between you two, but what you did is NOT cool, and she has every reason to be suspicious of you.

If the love is that strong, you guys will make it through it.

(edited to change subject line.)

[warrens]

26. That was a mean thread

Judgmental, bigoted, the whole bit. If you read my comment, it was basically "if he lies about something big, like mainlining heroin or sleeping with your best friend, THEN complain."

[On the Road]

28. Wow -- She Broke Up with You Over That?

I'm not sure how many people know Loafie and Magic Rat's relationship (I've met you and I didn't), but certainly it was not a guarded secret.

To have your significant other start a public thread like that about you is unbelievable to me. I've gone through a divorce and other relationship troubles, and I cannot imagine doing that. It must be appalling to read comments from other people about yourself along the lines of "dump him," "get someone who respects you," "what else is he going to lie about," and so forth. And to have your SO agree or mull those comments over publicly. (In fairness to the posters, many of them may not have known you were Magic Rat, or even a DUer for that matter.)

To air that dirty linen publicly, and invite attacks on you, was not only uncalled for, it was amazingly self-centered act. I think you also have a character question to consider.

[tjdee]

32. Oh please.

It's no different than talking to your girlfriends about something.
Do you take strangers' advice with a HUGE grain of salt?
Of course. But no way is it a "character question".

:eyes:

However, airing your dirty laundry on a site you KNOW HE VISITS, so he can hit the ceiling as Magic Rat has done?

That's..... yikes.

[Runcible Spoon]

41. no it IS different!

any random asshole can come up here and read this stuff. When you talk to your GFs in real life, it is somewhat private affair. I know what it feels like- my ex's fucking twit new GF posts soooo much venom about me on her little Xanga and myspace boards- I didn't really care that much until she started using my real name- then I emailed the mods of those sites!

[tjdee]

47. I experienced that too (with the GF), and I don't care.

Though, as you felt, if she starts using my real name then shit's hitting the fan, LOL.

Random assholes are sometimes more objective--which can be beneficiary if, as I said, you take it with a HUGE grain of salt. And it's mostly anonymous here...people may know Magic Rat's real first name, but it's not like we all go to their school and we're going to titter about them behind their backs!

[Gothic Sponge]

29. Hey Magic Rat!

I didn't say anything bad about you, read the thread.

[CatWoman]

30. Poor Jason

:hug:

CatWoman still loves you :loveya:

[Debi]

31. Um, I was kinda on your side...

but after you were so mean to me I think the two of you need to be apart...on some other board!!! :P

[FreedomFry]

33. Will you marry me?

Seriously, if you're doing all that for her, and she doesn't treat you right, worshipful or not, she's never going to be the right person for you.

She broke up with you in anger, and she wants you to come back. Don't do it.

Yes, you love her, but she's playing you for a fool. Dump her.

[Goldmund]

34. I agree.

Of course, my next advice would be "never give any creedence to advice of people from message boards". But as I see the situation, dude -- to paraphrase her -- if she's being a fascist cop about your smoking, who knows what else she'll be a fascist cop about?

[Dora]

35. It's not DU's fault, though there are a bunch of busybodies here.

IMHO: I think what broke you guys up is that your girlfriend couldn't think for herself and she decided to air all y'all's dirty ashtrays out in The Lounge until she felt like she had enough moral support to justify ending the relationship.

I don't want to sound callous here, but it seems like your relationship was bound for a bad end.

Frankly, when I saw her post I thought it seemed manipulative and immature. If she had the responses she wanted, then she could use that to support whatever argument she blasted you with last night. If we didn't give her the responses she wanted, she could just pretend she never posted and not ever say anything to you about it.

As well.... If you felt like you had to hide something from her for that long of a time, then apparently you didn't feel like you could trust her enough to love you unconditionally. If you can't express your feelings because you're afraid of upsetting her (and she gets upset easily) then what in the hell are you supposed to do? In a loving relationship, both persons can express their feelings and trust that they will be listened to, acknowledged, and respected. That's not to say that she'll be happy to hear about what you're feeling, but she should at least keep her cool enough to respect that they are your feelings, and she should be glad that you're sharing them with her. There are relationships and marriages that last for years without this kind of tolerance and respect, but they're not happy ones.

And as far as the cheating accusations go, don't listen to people who spout that crap. This may get me flamed -- Cheating is a symptom, it is not the problem. People cheat because they're not getting what they want and/or need. Now, that may be the fault of the relationship, or it may be the fault of the cheater - but there is ALWAYS an underlying problem that must be dealt with.

Love happens or it is killed. Let love happen. You're totally worth it. And despite the probably patronizing and lecturing tone of this post, please believe me. You're totally worth the love you want.

[miss_kitty]

37. and i didn't post on the thread

but I am sorry for the trouble you are having. I hope that maybe a cooling off period will yield a positive result for you.

I know from personal experience how hard it is to stop smoking.

If you are not hosing us, if that thread IS really by your GF about you, I wish you luck in your endeavours

[jtb33]

40. I sympathize with you, BUT...

to be perfectly honest, if you really love her as much as you say you do, you would NOT have lied to her. It's as simple as that.

[THUNDER HANDS]

45. I wish it was that easy

But I don't think it is. I regret the lying, but also regret being constantly asked about so I'd be forced into a position of either lying or admitting doing something that I know pisses her off.

Rock, meet hard place.

[On the Road]

62. Oooh, Constantly Being Asked About It

I would have a hard time with that.

And I say that as someone who smokes several a day surreptitiously but tries like hell not to lie about it.

[jtb33]

69. Yes...

Understood. It's a tough situation. Let me ask you this: do you have any intention of quitting?

If not, she needs to know that. It's obviously something that she feels strongly about, or it wouldn't upset her.

If you DO intend on quitting, I assume that you only haven't because it's not easy. If that's the situation, then come clean with her. Tell her you WANT to quit and even ask for her help. I'm sure you will find her much more sympathetic and it's a lot easier to quit when you have the support of someone you love, and someone that loves you. :)

[Lerkfish]

42. a couple of things:

The worst thing someone can do is side with someone in a marital argument, Because two very bad things can happen: they split up and you are blamed. They stay together and you are resented.

next: Its dangerous to air a very bad argument with your spouse/ other on a public board unless you're certain you have privacy and anonymity. If the other person has access to the same board, its a recipe for disaster.

Next: That having been said, everyone should have access to some place or person where they can rant and be able to collect their thoughts. This is probably not that place, but every person needs that.

Next: its probably wrong to blame people who were solicited for advice for giving advice. If the problem you're having is that people's knowledge is incomplete, that's hardly their fault. Your anger seems misplaced, here.

Next: we don't know you, and we don't know your wife. We aren't therapists, or marriage counselors. But you don't know US, either, and you aren't a judge over us.

Next time, work out your problems face to face...tis the best way anyways.

I should clarify that I DIDN"T respond in the other thread, btw.

[OldLeftieLawyer]

43. Intolerance

Boy, it's so easy to be perfect and point out the shortcomings of others, isn't it?

The guy said he wasn't smoking. He was.

So fucking WHAT?

Sounds to me like there's a lesson in acceptance to be learned here. If someone has faults, and you cannot live with them, that's your call. But, if you've got faults, and expect to be accepted as you are, then I'd say you're playing a terribly unfair game.

Smoking. Jesus, with all the things that matter in this world, someone busts up love because someone lied about smoking. If that don't just beat all ..........

[tjdee]

54. I think some people just don't get it.

I have always liked Magic Rat's posts, and he is obviously not a jerk and loves her very much. However.

The smoking could have been anything. She was being looked in the face and lied to, day after day. Because HE felt it wasn't important. HE felt she didn't need to know. How can she believe that this won't happen again, with another thing HE doesn't think is important (but she thinks IS)?

I don't know why people are stressing the smoking angle.

[OldLeftieLawyer]

68. "Lie"

That's a big word about a little subject. I mean, lies are BIG things, that change lives irrevocably. This here's a little story that illuminates the weakness and shame of a human being.

So what?

And, no, I do not subscribe to that unilinear, simplistic way of thinking that says if he "lies" to her about one thing, he'll lie to her about other things.

Man, the poor guy just doesn't get any slack for being human and having frailties, does he?

I sure hope all you preachers are immaculately white and clear and without faults in your lives, as you throw your damning stones at a man who didn't do anything wrong except have a human fault.

Let me add this: in this story - and I know no one here - I'd say that the woman's misstep is much worse, because she has broken a trust much more sacred, and that is to take their relationship and wave her version of it before strangers in a public forum. If I were the guy, I'd walk away forever, just because of that.

[tjdee]

75. Neither do I (about the lying).

I'm not saying he WILL lie about something else; I'm not one of those who thought he was going to run out to cheat on her or whatever. I'm not saying he's a huge nasty liar who is no good.

I'm just saying I understand why she is so concerned. If it happened to me I sure would be very suspicious of what my boyfriend said after that.

I'm not perfect AT ALL.
As to her fault here--I agree that she has some, but who cares what a whole bunch of strangers has to say? She didn't post his name, number, and picture, she was just soliciting opinions.

[donheld]

44. This is no place to air dirty laundry.

Quiting smoking is extemely hard. Apparently she's never been through it.

[Phillycat]

46. I'm goin' home!!

Sorry. Had to be done.

[Susang]

73. I was just scrolling to see if anyone had posted that

Otherwise, my response was going to be "Are you going home?". }(

[Mick Knox]

48. DRRAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAA

in open forum - kewlness

You two were made for each other.

[WI_DEM]

49. I had no idea the two of you were a couple

and I didn't even know about her thread until I opened your "Screw You ALL" thread thinking it must be a joke thread, after all most of these threads in the lounge are not overly serious. I got to about your fourth paragraph before I realized it was no joke. All I can say is that I don't know you and you don't know me so I can't judge. Good luck and I hope things work out.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

50. i think peopel who have never tried to quit smoking

underestimate how hard an addiction it is. i have lied about it as well. adn it had nothing to do with how much i loved my partner

sorry you are geting a hard time about it

[ScreamingMeemie]

51. Us All??? All of us? I wasn't on that thread. MR, I understand how tough

it is to quit. I don't think a lot of people realize how tough it is to quit. And that people will do anything to smoke a cigarette...even lie to their loved ones. I think it was extremely wrong for her to break up with you...really wrong. Be upset with you? Sure. Break up? Maybe she's not worth it.I'm sorry this has happened. In a perfect world none of us would fib. All of us do. Good luck Magic Rat and I'm really sorry you are hurting. But please don't yell at all of us.

[THUNDER HANDS]

53. thanks, and to clarify

I didn't mean YOU - as in everyone on DU, or even everyone who posted in Loafie's thread.

I just meant YOU, in the 'I'm-really-pissed-off-and-haven't-had-a-cigarette-in-now-50-hours-and-need-to-vent-and-AAUUURRGGHHHH' sense.

[JohnKleeb]

56. I know how that is indirectly

You have my sympathy because my dad is a smoker and alcoholic, its been tough, good luck man quitting.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

57. i am sorry magicrat

though in all honesty in many ways i realize why anonymous boards should remain anonymous and not be shared by couples

[THUNDER HANDS]

64. i don't blame her for posting

If I was concerned about her speaking about me I never would have invited her to DU in the first place.

I think its helpful to ask questions and solicit advice.

I don't blame those who reply either. But knee-jerk reactions based on very little evidence just kinda irked me.

And I'm in a very easily irkable mood right now. :)

[Elidor]

71. She's a controller and a nag

Too bad you love her. I'd dump her for that alone, and posting personal stuff here would just be the final nail in the coffin. But that doesn't address the whole love thing. I'm sorry, dude. You just got shit on from all directions. I hope you work it out.

Life is too short to be unhappy.

[Susang]

74. That's helpful

:eyes:

[Elidor]

82. And apparently, it's true

People in love often don't see how they are controlled. It's not very nice of me to point it out, but there were plenty of times I could have benefitted from having it pointed out to me.

I'm in a similar situation myself right now, and I think Rat is being treated unfairly. Full disclosure: I am also a male.

[arcane1]

61. hang in there, man

I'm going to be doing the same thing soon

for the 2nd time :evilfrown:

[Debi]

65. Breathe

In with the pink (good breath)
Out with the blue (bad breath)

Do this over and over again...and go break something :evilgrin:

[ET Awful]

66. As in a Cartman style "Screw you guys, I'm goin home!" :)

n/t

[no name no slogan]

86. Hang in there dude

It's easier to kick heroin than it is smoking. I've known ex-heroin users who smoke, and they say it's true.

My dad finally quit smoking at age 52, after smoking for 40+ years, as much as 3 packs a day. It was his 13th or 14th 'real' effort to quit, and he finally did it cold turkey. Before that, he'd tried hypnosis, group therapy, nicotine gum, a whole slew of 'cures' that never worked.

If you truly want to quit, you will, in due time. Maybe it's not the right time yet. However, she also needs to realize that smoking IS an addiction, and is not easy to kick. She also needs to know that addicts will lie about their addictions-- not because they're "weak" or "unfaithful" or "deceitful", but because they are addicts.

Hang in there, MR. Things like this always work themselves out in the end.

[bloodyjack]

55. Same damned thing happened to me...

and it was over smoking, to boot. I endured her and her impositions for some time but then she found some better kisser of a cad and left me (zomg drama!!). And that's how I was robbed of my adolescence :shrug:


anyway, great thread :thumbsup:

[the Princess]

58. What do you care what anyone here thinks?

I hadno idea you were the *boyfriend*. But who cares what anyone said?

Maybe you should ask you girlfriend not to reveal personal problems in a public venue - especially one where you post if it's going to upset you so much.

Just a thought. :)

[Politicub]

59. This is great

[Commendatori]

60. I know you don't want to hear this, but

you see a potential spouse's best moments before marriage. This isn't what you want to hear, but you got off light.

Just be thankful this didn't happen after six years and five months of marriage.

Crossing my fingers for you, pal.

[THUNDER HANDS]

70. nah, this isn't a flaw of hers

its my fault. I'm the one who lied. Whether its right to dump someone for lying about this is debatable, but not the fact that my behavior was wrong.

I hope she'll take me back because obviously I love her. I do want to marry her.

I can put up with a lot and she's worth it.

[Commendatori]

88. I quit smoking, too, and lied like a dog

when I fell off the wagon, just to avoid the arguments. The tension isn't worth it.

She's never been a smoker and doesn't understand. If you're trying your best and you're doing this for her, she should cut you more slack than you got.

Maybe someone should tell her that pressing you like that is entirely counterproductive to someone trying to quit. I was bad enough without my lady's crap, snapping at everyone - so when she would press me, I'd just lie. I never cheated on her, but there are limits.

Yes, you lied, but I don't think this is such a big sin. With a little more slack, understanding and support you wouldn't have even thought of it. I remain on your side here.

Best of luck.

[Goldmund]

90. She's a fuckin' fascist

and you'll remember my words a few years from now.

[THUNDER HANDS]

91. she's not a fascist

she's upset. Please don't call her names.

[Lex]

63. Hey, I told her to quit being a control freak

.
and, since you are a grownup, let YOU decide how much you smoke. You should not have to answer to anyone about it. That way a "lie" is avoided altogether.

I don't like it when grownups try to monitor each other's behavior that way, it's disturbing and it sets up a scenario where ONE PERSON tries to be the "MOM" and the OTHER PERSON is like "THE TEENAGER."

"MOM" rants and raves about whatever (you're out too late, you smoke too much, your music's too loud).

"TEENAGER" tries to obfuscate about being out too late, smoking too much, etc.


Don't fall into that trap. Trust me on this.

[matcom]

72. um....

are we 12?

[Runcible Spoon]

80. well we're not the one with walking butts in our sig lines!

:evilgrin:

[matcom]

83. that is YOUR loss

:P

at least i can smoke or drink or swear without my wife posting my bad habbits on an internet message board rather than talke to ME about it. that lets me NOT start ANOTHER discussion about what an asshole everyone (who i don't know) is for responding to her. :eyes:

i'm 13 you know :D

[THUNDER HANDS]

81. um

no, Mr. walking butt crack sig line.

I'm 26, she's 23.

:evilgrin:

[Runcible Spoon]

84. WOW we were in synch there!

but then again, what else IS there to say to Matcom when he's making charges of immaturity??!! :7

[matcom]

85. see #83

;)

[Niccolo_Macchiavelli]

76. Love doesn't thrive at a leash

by yours and her words sounds like a control bitch.

May hurt know, but i guess your better off without her. repeatedly rub ones weaknesses in the face (nothing other she is doing) either pushing you to admit guilt or lie thus bringing you into a " i've - done something - wrong - but - i'll - make - it- up somehow - mood" is a mean trick. Better and end with catastrophe than a catastrophe without end.

other mothers also have nice daughters...

[Dr_Greenthumb]

78. Everybody lies about smoking.

[Runcible Spoon]

79. hey Dr. Greenthumb!

I love that song "have you ever needed some chronic and you can't find some anywhere? Try Dr. Greenthumb's patented Sizzleen Screen!" for some reason that used to crack me up

[matcom]

89. loafie needs a LOOFA!

have her call Bill.

bet HE doesn't smoke!

:spank: Matcom :spank:

:evilgrin:

[JanMichael]

92. You've learned an important lesson: Nobody loves a quitter!

Sorry...I had to do it...It just seemed so funny at the time.

That said I understand why you'd fib about a couple of smokes. For one it's a bitch to quit and if you backslid a littel it's your battle alone.

Second of all I have to say that you weren't married to the girl, she should get thicker skin.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

94. So you're now blaming everyone else because you got dumped?

Maybe you shouldn't have lied in the first place. Maybe you should have trusted her to love you enough to understand that you were having trouble quitting. Who cares if we don't know anything about you? The information she gave us about you said you lied and hurt her. Lying is HUGE. I don't CARE what you lied about. I don't care if it's a little thing or not. If you truly loved the woman, you would have given her a chance to understand.
Honestly, who are you more pissed at? Us or yourself for being such an idiot for lying to her? You totally deserved what you got. Quit whining and try to win her back.
Duckie

[THUNDER HANDS]

96. see, this is the thing

you say "If you loved her" as if my lying erases everything else I've ever done to show that I love her.

I consider it a horrible mistake, but it wasn't done maliciously.

I didn't sleep around and get caught.

I didn't beat her up and then beg for her to forgive me.

I did something really stinky, but I don't think its fatal to a relationship.

I am going to try to win her back, because I love her very much. I'm not pissed at you or anyone else, like I said. The last 24 hours have just been very stressful.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

97. OK....

I understand where you're coming from.
Duckie

[LoZoccolo]

100. Dupe. Deleting.

[LoZoccolo]

101. Has /she/ ever lied to /you/?

If she has, and then turns around and goes on a message board saying she doesn't know if you'll cheat on her and all that, then that is pathetic if you go back to her! This might sound harsh, but I'm trying to help you out here! Let me get this straight:

- She verbally abuses you.
- She's willing to embarass you publicly.
- You quit smoking for her and she tries to gain extra control over you by beating you down with the lying charge.
- You keep coming back to her.

And then you wanna get back with her??!! Do you want to go through this every day of your life? Why?

Man, get out! One word for you: "next"!

[Pithlet]

102. Oh, my.

Quitting isn't easy. What she did, posting like that, wasn't good, because you're a member here. :hug:

A family member of mine is trying to quit, and another that is married to him isn't very understanding of how hard that is, and it is leading to huge conflict. I don't have any advice because I've never been through it, but maybe you guys can work through this. Withdrawals are horrible, and non-smokers don't always fully understand what that is like.

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

103. Wow

why do you take all that horrible treatment?

I'm being serious.

"I've been more patient with her constant verbal abuse than any boyfriend has a right to."

Please don't put up with verbal abuse, constant or not. That's horrible.


Oh and just for the record, I am married to a smoker. He has smoked for years, but I can't tell you the last time I saw a cigarette in his mouth, because he smokes outside only and rarely. He's lied to me about quitting before. I got mad, I got over it, end of story. I understand quitting smoking is a hard-ass BITCH and I also know my griping about it is going to do NADA to help him quit. HE'S got to want to. So nowdays, I don't say a single thing. He's an adult, if he wants to quit, he's got my total support.

What he CAN'T do is bitch when he gets bronchitis. ;)

But seriously, I don't know why you'd put up with all that.

[FuzzySlippers]

105. I didn't post in that other thread, but I did read some of it

and I think some people were being rather sanctimonious. I can understand fibbing about something you feel embarassed about. That doesn't make you globally untrustworthy. And I think your girlfriend was wrong to post about it on DU if you're a member here, too.

[Deja Q]

106. For ALL who replied?

Some posts (eg 50, 52, 67, 76), IMHO, seem to be rational if not in your favor.

But, yeah, some responses were extremely harsh.

Personally, I've never been in a relationship and I will likely die before I do get into one, so take my comments with a grain (if not with a bucketfull) of salt. But nobody deserves this sort of underhanded game played.

[THUNDER HANDS]

107. no not all

I made that clear in a couple of earlier posts. I was just angry when I started this thread. I apologized for the broad brush.

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

108. Wow

who the hell are you now?

[Moderator]

109. locking

please refrain from posting flame bait. thanks.