Post your favorite George Carlin Quotes!

[Dying Eagle]

Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!

[MaineYooper]

1. jumbo shrimp!

Is it a big shrimp, or a little jumbo?!?

[Birthmark]

2. "Ever notice there aren't many Chinese guys named Rusty?"

[rawtribe]

3. Freedom Fighters

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

[Jersey Devil]

4. Stupid people

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

[TheDebbieDee]

5. F^ck you! I'm not getting ON the plane. I'm getting IN the plane!

[gmoney]

11. Let Evel Kneivel get ON the plane...

nt

[TheDebbieDee]

13. LOL! I don't remember the part about Evel Knievel. : - )

[No Mandate Here.]

21. Same sketch, about getting high in the bathroom...

"You can get off and get on, or you can get on and get off."

[Deja Q]

6. I can think of 7, but DU is my proverbial TV set right now.

O8)

[Lady Effingbroke]

7. Carlin:

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

[NYC Liberal]

8. I liked this one:

Regarding the criticism of Al Gore's actions upon being elected President in 2000 and realizing that the Bush family would do everything in its power to reverse the results illegally: I recall at the time hard some of the usual morons in this country refer to President-elect Gore as a sore loser because he sough legal redress in the courts.

Sore loser? You bet your FUCKIN' ASS! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously - that's for chumps. And losers, by the way.

[belladonna]

9. Sanctity of life

"But you know, the longer you listen to this abortion debate, the more you hear this phrase "sanctity of life." You've heard that... sanctity of life. You believe in it? Personally, I think it's a bunch of shit.

Well I mean, life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death! Has been for thousands of years! Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians... all taking turns killing each other cause God told them it was a good idea."

[Socialist Dem]

18. some more I just thought of

"Someday I hope a Pope choses the name Shorty"

"If you really want to test a faith healer, tell him you want a smaller shoe size"

"People are OK taken two or three at a time. Beyond that number, they tend to chose up sides and wear armbands."

[Socialist Dem]

10. "I think, therefore I am....I think"

"Special dispensation....Eating meat of Friday is strictly forbidden, except for St. Mary's cause they finished first in the paper drive!"

[Maddy McCall]

12. "We are the proud parents of a child who has resisted..."

From George Carlin's "Complaints and Grievances"...

Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: "We are the proud parents of a child whose self esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievments on the back of our car."

Or "We are the proud parents of a child who has resisted his teachers' attempts to break his spirit and bend him to the will of his corporate masters."

Here's something realistic: "We have the son in public school who hasn't shot any of his classmates yet; though he does sell drugs to your honor student."

[Maddy McCall]

14. Which dvd opens with him saying "Life is a succession of dogs."

And he goes on to talking about feeding his dog rubber bands so that he can just fling the poop into the neighbor's yard?

You guys have me wanting to go buy some Carlin DVDs today.

[Maddy McCall]

15. Dying Eagle...Could you get everyone to add to their post...

which DVD or CD the quotations are from? I am wanting to add to my collections.

Thanks!

Or if you know, would you go back and reply to their posts with the name of the DVD or CD? I will forever be endebted. :-)

[NYC Liberal]

19. You could get the box set.

There are 5 or 6 DVDs with his performances. Pretty much all the quotes here will be from those.

Edit: link
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B00009WVOW/qid=1100380157/sr=1-2/ref=sr_1_2/002-0195314-5546458?v=glance&s=dvd

[Catchawave]

16. Oh, the 10 Commandments...here ya go....

GEORGE CARLIN ON THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
from "Complaints and Grievances" (HBO special)

Here is my problem with the ten commandments- why exactly are there 10?

You simply do not need ten. The list of ten commandments was artificially and deliberately inflated to get it up to ten. Here's what happened:

About 5,000 years ago a bunch of religious and political hustlers got together to try to figure out how to control people and keep them in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so they announced that God had given them some commandments, up on a mountain, when no one was around.

Well let me ask you this- when they were making this shit up, why did they pick 10? Why not 9 or 11? I'll tell you why- because 10 sound official. Ten sounds important! Ten is the basis for the decimal system, it's a decade, it's a psychologically satisfying number (the top ten, the ten most wanted, the ten best dressed). So having ten commandments was really a marketing decision! It is clearly a bullshit list. It's a political document artificially inflated to sell better. I will now show you how you can reduce the number of commandments and come up with a list that's a little more workable and logical. I am going to use the Roman Catholic version because those were the ones I was taught as a little boy.

Let's start with the first three:

I AM THE LORD THY GOD THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE GODS BEFORE ME

THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN VAIN

THOU SHALT KEEP HOLY THE SABBATH

Right off the bat the first three are pure bullshit. Sabbath day? Lord's name? strange gods? Spooky language! Designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious nonsense like this apply to the lives of intelligent civilized humans in the 21st century. So now we're down to 7. Next:

HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER

Obedience, respect for authority. Just another name for controlling people. The truth is that obedience and respect shouldn't be automatic. They should be earned and based on the parent's performance. Some parents deserve respect, but most of them don't, period. You're down to six.

Now in the interest of logic, something religion is very uncomfortable with, we're going to jump around the list a little bit.

THOU SHALT NOT STEAL

THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS

Stealing and lying. Well actually, these two both prohibit the same kind of behavior- dishonesty. So you don't really need two you combine them and call the commandment "thou shalt not be dishonest". And suddenly you're down to 5.

And as long as we're combining I have two others that belong together:

THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTRY

THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE

Once again, these two prohibit the same type of behavior. In this case it is marital infidelity. The difference is- coveting takes place in the mind. But I don't think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else's wife because what is a guy gonna think about when he's waxing his carrot? But, marital infidelity is a good idea so we're gonna keep this one and call it "thou shalt not be unfaithful". And suddenly we're down to four.

But when you think about it, honesty and infidelity are really part of the same overall value so, in truth, you could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments and give them simpler language, positive language instead of negative language and call the whole thing "thou shalt always be honest and faithful" and we're down to 3.

THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR"S GOODS

This one is just plain fuckin' stupid. Coveting your neighbor's goods is what keeps the economy going! Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays "o come o ye faithful", and you want one too! Coveting creates jobs, so leave it alone. You throw out coveting and you're down to 2 now- the big honesty and fidelity commandment and the one we haven't talked about yet:

THOU SHALT NOT KILL

Murder. But when you think about it, religion has never really had a big problem with murder. More people have been killed in the name of god than for any other reason. All you have to do is look at Northern Ireland, Cashmire, the Inquisition, the Crusades, and the World Trade Center to see how seriously the religious folks take thou shalt not kill. The more devout they are, the more they see murder as being negotiable. It depends on who's doin the killin' and who's gettin' killed. So, with all of this in mind, I give you my revised list of the two commandments:

Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie.

&

Thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they pray to a different invisible man than you.

Two is all you need; Moses could have carried them down the hill in his fuckin' pocket. I wouldn't mind those folks in Alabama posting them on the courthouse wall, as long as they provided one additional commandment:

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.


thanks to Doug Rowlands

[Nomad559]

26. The Ten Commandments - MP3

http://www.alexgrantz.com/downloads/sounds/georgecarlinetencommandments.mp3

[buckettgirl]

31. THIS IS THE BEST!!! n/t

[miss_kitty]

17. "If I could do THAT, I'd never leave the house"

-commentary on dog hygiene practices, IE, self ball-licking.

[Fenris]

20. ...

[Dees]

22. Here's one (by George)

America The Ugly...to the tune of "America the Beautiful"
By George Carlin

Oh beautiful for smoggy skies - insecticided grain
For strip-minined mountains majesties, above the asphalt plains.
America, America! Man sheds his waste on thee,
And hides the pines with billboard signs from sea to oily sea.

[Mist]

23. and "tits" doesn't even belong on the list, man!

[Roon]

24. Fuckin' meow!

Doing his impression of a cat that ran into a wall.

[Arugula Latte]

25. "Just how fucking stupid do you have to be to believe in angels?"

That one goes a long way to explaining the level of stupidity in our country. O8)

[rustydog]

27. Cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny

[rustydog]

28. If a parsley farmer gets sued, do they garnish his wages?

[FlyByNight]

29. You know the best part about living near the water?

You only have assholes on 3 sides of you. I forgot what that's from.

[Kire]

30. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

I know it's new, but it cracks me up every time I hear it.

[mitchum]

32. Why is it "Truth, justice AND the American way?"

[Dying Eagle]

33. kick

[NightTrain]

34. "This country was founded...

...by a group of slaveowners who claimed to believe that all men are created equal. That is what's known as being stunningly--STUNNINGLY!--full of shit!"

[warrens]

35. From the Lenny Bruce book I bought today (with free CD)

"Lenny Bruce opened the doors for guys like me; he prefigured the free-speech movement and helped push the culture forward into the light of open and honest expression. I thought I knew his story pretty well, but I learned a great deal from this book. It is a major contribution toward understanding the threat perceived by the 'powers" from simple artistic honesty.

The book is The Trials of Lenny Bruce, with a CD narrated by Nat Hentoff with classic Lenny bits, the bits that got him in trouble, and excerpts from his totally illegal taping of his many trials.

I was a Lenny Bruce fanatic as a kid, and still am. George Carlin, as funny as he is, is a guy in the same mold. Just living in a happier time until the Bushies take over the Supreme Court and we go back to having people going to jail for saying cocksucker on a stage.

[bumblebee1]

36. Carlin quotes

Did you ever notice that the women who are against abortion are ones you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?

I could say that about the men who are anti-abortion.

[cjm2222]

37. Anorexics

are a bunch of rich white cunts who don't want to eat. Fuck them, let them die.

And another,

A house is nothing but a giant box to keep your shit in.