Are you willing to date someone who's friends with their ex?

[eyesroll]

Poll question: Are you willing to date someone who's friends with their ex?

A word of advice for anyone considering visiting "divorce support" forums -- don't. Basically, anyone who isn't spitting nails about their ex is wrong, wrong, wrong.

Anyhow -- assume, for the point of this question, that we're not talking "friendly for the sake of the kids," nor are we talking "still sleeping together." We're talking, simply, friends who hang out on occasion. (Let's also assume that both parties are decent people, so there's none of the "why would you want to be friends with that jackass who betrayed you?" pathos.)

What's your take?

[aden_nak]

1. I've gone one step further.

I'm dating someone who is friends with her ex, and as a consequence, her ex and I have become very good friends. Hell, we might even talk more and have more in common than they two of them did.

[tigereye]

2. I think being friends with your ex is very sane

I mean, you liked that person well enough to marry them.

[aden_nak]

3. No no, you misunderstand.

I'm friends with HER ex. ;) And we're still dating.

[Donkeyboy75]

4. No problem for me, but there would be a caveat

I'd be really pissed if I found out three months after I started dating someone that they were friends with the ex. It would send some serious signals that she was hiding something. My 2 cents.

[eyesroll]

6. Ah, yes.

I think "friends with the ex" is something that should be disclosed early -- that way, nobody's hiding anything, and if it is a deal-breaker, it's early enough that there's no harm done.

For me, it works the same way with things like "has kids" or "lives with parents" -- not necessarily a deal-breaker, but something I'd want to know up front.

[Donkeyboy75]

13. Yep.

Being a divorcee works as a good filter for you as well, as you can easily weed out the psycho jealous types.

[Blue-Jay]

5. Hey, I'm not *that* good of a friend with your ex!

Wait....

This isn't about me, is it?

[eyesroll]

7. You and Hedges will have many happy years together.

:bounce:

[Blue-Jay]

9. That's what I was afraid of.

BTW - When you see Proles on Sunday, say "no take-backs" to her. Heh heh heh!

[skygazer]

8. Well, actually

When I first met my husband, his ex was living in his house. They'd been divorced for several years but she'd gotten in a bind and he let her move into a downstairs bedroom. I actually met her for the first time in the middle of the night - I was putting my pants back on and she came up to use the bathroom. ~blush~

It was never much of an issue - at the time, I was sharing a place with two male friends and since it was a small place, I shared a room with one of them. He knew about my crazy arrangement and I knew about his and it was not a problem.

We've been together almost four years, the ex moved out before I moved in, we all get along - you don't have to be "spitting nails" at your ex. I also get along very well with my first husband and his wife of 15 years now.

[Phillycat]

10. I chose "friendly but not friends".

I know myself. Any time there was trouble in the relationship and they were hanging out, I'd be driving myself crazy, thinking HE was thinking, "Well, things are shitty with Janesez, but this other person and I had so much in common...besides, she's grandfathered in so I don't have to feel guilty."

I'd drive myself nuts with it.

[Beware the Beast Man]

11. The ex in question has friends?

?

[Donkeyboy75]

14. Shhhh.

Stacie pays them well. It will be kind of like a stealth alimony.

[Beware the Beast Man]

15. My check is late.

[eyesroll]

18. So, wait a second -- who am I bribing and for what purpose?

:shrug:

[Donkeyboy75]

22. HEY! I ask the questions here.

But I suspect that you bribe them to keep al off your back (alas, not literally any longer).

[redqueen]

12. I chose option 1

Why not?

[short bus president]

16. *Grumble*

*mumble* *stutter* and *spit*

PTOOEY!

[redqueen]

17. You ok sbp?

:hug:

[ScreamingMeemie]

19. If everything was decently ended i.e. no deceit or cheating or whatnot

I'd pick friendly but not friends. I tried to be friends with an ex of mine and it bothered MrG. He never said anything, but I could tell. So I stopped cutting my ex's hair, calling etc. Later on MrG told me that he was bothered by it. Funny thing is, it just came up the other night in an uncomfortable way.

Watching election:

Me: "I remember in 1992 watching the returns with Karl at his house and getting upset about all those southern states going red."

MrG: "Weren't you with ME in 1992" Big time glare....

Me: "Yes, but Karl and I were still friends at the time." Oh shit, to self.

MrG: Uh-huh....

Me spending the rest of that god awful night reassuring MrG that he is my one and only and that I never even think of Karl anymore....Yeesh...dumb dumb dumb of me to bring that up.

[Magrittes Pipe]

20. I'd say it depends on the ex.

For instance, if I were dating someone who used to go out with Fred Phelps, Henry Lee Lucas, O.J. Simpson -- you know, someone clearly pathological, deranged, and superfuckingassholish -- I might not want her to stay friends.

If the ex is a decent person, I'm all for it, and might well be able to (like aden_nak) be friends with the ex as well.

[eyesroll]

25. You seemed to have missed that "assume they're decent people" disclaimer.

:P

[Magrittes Pipe]

27. Well, it does need to be reiterated.

Some people are, as we all know, fuckheads.

[Name removed]

26. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

33. I dated my Brother's exgirlfriend

[eyesroll]

34. How'd he take it?

I can't imagine dating my sister's ex. (Then again, he's gone fundie, so I wouldn't want to date him anyway.)

And, sorry Hedges...but my sister seems taken right now.

[Magrittes Pipe]

35. But she kept saying he wasn't her boyfriend!

:cry:

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

36. Not to well - but the sex was great!

it ended tragilcally.

But after a few years we're all good friends again.

My borther and I were on a "let's never talk about that" basis

[Wat_Tyler]

21. No.

But that just applies to you personally.

[eyesroll]

23. Well, what with you being my brother and all...

[Magrittes Pipe]

24. I thought he was your horsey.

:shrug:

[Wat_Tyler]

28. Why can't I be both?

;(

[SarahB]

29. For me, I wouldn't be if I didn't have to be.

I'm definitely in the "friendly for the sake of the kids" category, and there's a part of me that still likes him as a human being on some level (he's not a terrible person, but I have some strong, justifiable anger), but at this point in time, there's nothing more that I'd like than to make a clean break of him from my life. For me, that isn't possible yet, or in a way- ever because they need their father and I need him to be a father.

I think as time passes, sometimes people can be friends. I've seen that with my parents, but not for a number of years after their divorce. There's something to be said though for having some time and some space to heal as well. :hug:

edit: As far as dating someone who was friends with their ex, yes, I would be. I would also understand in certain situations as to why their was some justifiable bitterness as well.

[HEyHEY]

30. If her ex is another woman and there's a three-way possibility

[warrens]

31. I wouldn't say I'm friends with my ex

But I'm not completely bitter anymore, either. So that my daughter doesn't have to bounce from house to house, I even go over for Xmas morning and Thanksgiving. I imagine that would change if I was in a live-in relationship, of course.

[Bridget Burke]

32. Yes, especially if kids are involved.

I'm definitely turned off by hearing some guy drone on & on about that bitch, his ex-wife. Or, those bitches, his ex-wives!