Don't date the Doughboy

[SoCalDem]

To hear the Doughboy putting his telephone skills to use at the office, click here



ANNOUNCER: Next on Lifetime Television, the Pillsbury Doughboy and one of the actresses from Designing Women star in a cautionary tale of love, betrayal, and golden, flaky-crusted croissants. Call your friends. Turn out the lights. But....Don't Date The Doughboy!.

AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN SITS ALONE IN HER APARTMENT.



WOMAN: Hello?





WOMAN: Yes?

DOUGHBOY: Hello there, my love. I was just sitting here in the cupboard you and I decorated together, and I was wondering how you've been. I know that dumping the best boyfriend in the world can take a lot out of you.

WOMAN: I don't appreciate the constant calls, Poppin' Fresh. This is harassment! We are through - why can't you understand that?!

DOUGHBOY: I'll never understand how a love so right could turn out to be so wrong, as a Gibb brother once said. Give me one good reason for breaking up with me.

WOMAN: Well for starters, you freaked out my parents when you met them. My mother said that when you hugged her, you whispered in her ear that "Nothing says lovin' like my soft bread stick." What was that all about?

DOUGHBOY: Just bein' friendly....

WOMAN: And I don't think I need to bring up that little medical problem you were kind enough to bring into the relationship.

DOUGHBOY: Hey now! You had that yeast infection way before we started dating.

WOMAN: That's a lie and you know it. You disgust me.

DOUGHBOY: You love it, baby.

WOMAN: Just stop it! Do you hear me? I'm....I'm seeing someone else now, and I don't want to have to ask him to pay you a visit!

DOUGHBOY: Ooo, I'm so scared! So, who is it? Is it somebody from work? It'd better not be one of those a-holes from Keebler! I swear to God, if it's one of those cookie-making wannabes, I'll kill him! Ever notice you don't see "E.L. Fudge" around any more? That's cuz he messed with my ladies. Messed him up good.

WOMAN: You're a monster! I'm going to call the police.

DOUGHBOY: The cops?! Yeah right! Like they'd mess with their main supplier of quality, sweetened, pastry products. Daddy gives them snacks, and they do whatever Daddy tells them to do!

WOMAN: Well, this is one person who doesn't need a daddy! Goodbye!!



WOMAN: What?!!! God, please leave me alone!

DOUGHBOY: What are you wearing?

WOMAN: Oh, this is too much! You're sick!

DOUGHBOY: I'm wearing nothin' but a chef's hat and a kerchief. And I'm sitting here with a bowl of butter and a basting brush. I know what you like.

WOMAN: I want - I mean I don't want that. Not as much....

DOUGHBOY: Yeah! That's it, baby. Now, hold that thought. I'm coming over in half an hour, and you and me are gonna get Chinese and watch wrestling. Got it?

WOMAN: I hate that I love you so much! Damn you, Doughboy. Damn you!!!






The Doughboy getting all hot and buttered. Evidence presented during the ensuing trial.


http://www.timmollen.com/comedy_sketches/comedy_sketches_main_page.htm