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Bunny Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 11:27 AM
Original message
bunnyj's Big Adventure in Domestic Relations Court.
Edited on Wed Sep-15-04 11:47 AM by bunnyj
After 12.5 years, I took the father of my oldest child to court for Child Support. The hearing was this morning. We agreed to settle out of court yesterday, but because of bad timing (his lawyer's fault) they couldn't get the court notified in time. So, we had to show up this morning to formalize the agreement.

I was extremely nervous, I've always been intimidated by him. He's always been able to out-think me, out-talk me, out-smart me, etc. I shudder at the idea of a confrontation with him. So I took my attorney and let him talk.

It was very awkward for me, but I have to admit to a little schaudenfreude concerning him. Sounds like most everything else in his life is going wrong now too, and I'm okay with that! :evilgrin:

Some things come to mind at this time:

What goes around, comes around.
As ye sow, so shall ye reap.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

And finally,

Payback is a bitch!

I got a reasonable amount, I think it could have been higher but I agreed to the lesser amount because I don't want to bankrupt him. But if I see him zipping around in a Jag next year, all bets are off!

So, bunnyj's big day at the courthouse is finally over. I'm proud of myself, but I truly hope this never has to happen again.
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redqueen Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 11:29 AM
Response to Original message
1. Well done
Edited on Wed Sep-15-04 11:30 AM by redqueen
I have to wonder why one has to file a separate suit to get support. Seems to me it should be settled at the time of the divorce.
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wryter2000 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 11:30 AM
Original message
Good for you
Time to put Soul Vaccination Live into the stereo and have some Tower of Power therapy.
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Bunny Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 11:37 AM
Response to Original message
8. T of P would do me well right now!
:toast:
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LincolnMcGrath Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 11:30 AM
Response to Original message
2. What took 12.5 years?
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Bunny Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 11:43 AM
Response to Reply #2
12. We were never married. We split up right after she was born.
Edited on Wed Sep-15-04 11:44 AM by bunnyj
For the first eight years of her life, I was too proud to ask for money from him, he was too much of a jackass to offer it. I make decent money, so I wasn't desperate for the cash.

Four years ago I got up the courage to ask him, and we agreed to an informal set up. Didn't involve the courts, he just paid me cash, and that was that.

Two years ago he inexplicably quit giving me cash, never called me, never said anything. Me, being the ass that I can be, let it go.

Until a few things happened recently, that I'd rather not publicly state, that completely and permanently pissed me off. So, the gloves came off and the subpeonas flew!

The rest is history, I hope. To my immense relief.
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LincolnMcGrath Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 11:50 AM
Response to Reply #12
15. Your anger caused you to go after his wallet?
<that completely and permanently pissed me off. So, the gloves came off and the subpoenas flew!>

Not defending him here.

Only questioning your reason for pursuing your perceived entitlement check.
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Bunny Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 11:53 AM
Response to Reply #15
17. My reasons are personal, I'm not going into them on a
public message board. I can assure you he got off very easy in this deal. I could have made this much worse for him, and for a much longer period of time, too.

And, it's my daughter's legal entitlement, not my perceived entitlement.
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LincolnMcGrath Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 11:57 AM
Response to Reply #17
19. So you are going to put every penny
away for your daughter, right? Or are the three of you going to sit down and decide how it all gets spent?

You say it is not perceived yet you admit you could have made it worse? Sounds like entitlement to me!
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Name removed Donating Member (0 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 12:02 PM
Response to Reply #19
20. Deleted message
Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.
 
Name removed Donating Member (0 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 12:11 PM
Response to Reply #20
21. Deleted message
Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.
 
Fridays Child Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 12:11 PM
Response to Reply #19
22. When you help to make a child, you share your resources with that child.
And if it means providing those resources to the child's primary caregiver, so be it.
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LincolnMcGrath Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 12:20 PM
Response to Reply #22
24. Agreed. Never stated anything different.
Lets look my friend "Steve"

Good father, good hubby. Wife split, left the kids with "Steve" for two years while she smoked the rock with her new friend. Upon return she took the kids from school left the state and demanded her entitlement checks. Plus back pay. Guess what she got it.

Fair application of providing "resources"

Or one sided entitlement program.


BTW there are Thousands of "Steves"
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Fridays Child Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 12:37 PM
Response to Reply #24
27. In Arizona, the primary custodial parent may not move...
...out of state without, first, going to court and defending his or her reason for the move.

You're correct in observing that there are thousands of "Steves." But the fact remains that deadbeat dads outnumber deadbeat moms ten to one. Just curious: was your friend, Steve, unable to prove his ex-wife's drug use?


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LincolnMcGrath Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 01:01 PM
Response to Reply #27
28. You have proof of your stats right?
Ten to One?

Does being laid off and going arrears one week make one a "deadbeat dad"? Because most states treat them as dead beats, and report them as late, lumped in with the very FEW true dead beat "parents".

Even using the term "dead beat dads" is very telling about your views, and the state of child custody in this country.


She admitted to the drug use.

Forget Steve, there are thousands of fathers locked into entitlement payments for children that are not even theirs own. A coworker adopted his wifes 2 yr old, roughly 30 days later she split, and gets a check for a minimum of 16 years. Is that fair?
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Book Lover Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 01:40 PM
Response to Reply #28
31. But he undertook that obligation
If he didn't want the possibility of having to support a child he did not biologically father, he should have protected himself and not adopted the child. If you never ever want to be responsible for child support (male or female), don't have children. Marriage and child rearing are not matters of the heart in this country; they are legal ties.
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LincolnMcGrath Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 01:44 PM
Response to Reply #31
33. So it is OK to collect from someone who isn't the father
You speak of responsibility, yet WHERE is hers?

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Book Lover Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 02:32 PM
Response to Reply #33
38. He agreed to take that
on when he signed the adoption papers, so yes, it is OK. If he did not want to ever have that responsibility, he should not have taken it on. He had to go through an active course of action to become the legal father of that child; it was not a passive process.

Not having any information about the mother's situation, I can only generalize: of course she has the legal duty to provide for her child. Should she fail to do so, Family Court is the place to adjucate the consequences of her failure.
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LincolnMcGrath Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 03:07 PM
Response to Reply #38
46. This woman was seeing some one else during the adoption,
unknown to the adoptive father. You don't see ANY fraud on her part?
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Pithlet Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 03:09 PM
Response to Reply #46
47. And that's the child's fault?
So, any time a wife cheats on her husband, the child doesn't get child support?

That makes no sense.
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LincolnMcGrath Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 03:13 PM
Response to Reply #47
50. The question was
Was it FRAUD?


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Pithlet Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 03:14 PM
Response to Reply #50
51. NO!
The child is entitled to child support from his father. The fact that either parent cheated is irrelevant.
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LincolnMcGrath Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 05:18 PM
Response to Reply #51
56. He is not the father!
How you can not see that is fraud blows the mind!


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VelmaD Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 05:24 PM
Response to Reply #56
57. uh...actually yeah he is...
Edited on Wed Sep-15-04 05:24 PM by VelmaD
once he signed those adoption papers. I'm not disagreeing with you that the mom in this case did something reprehensible. But legally speaking that man is that child's father once the adoption was official.
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LincolnMcGrath Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 06:39 PM
Response to Reply #57
62. Of couse he is legally!
Not the point being stressed by me!
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Kaysera Donating Member (75 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 05:28 PM
Response to Reply #56
58. He is the legal father ... because he made the choice to adopt.
Looks like he should have waited a bit longer ...
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LincolnMcGrath Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 06:40 PM
Response to Reply #58
63. Yes
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Pithlet Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 05:29 PM
Response to Reply #56
59. So, adoptive fathers aren't real fathers?
I happen to know a few who would be highly offended by that notion.
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LincolnMcGrath Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 06:38 PM
Response to Reply #59
61. Nonsensical spin
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Pithlet Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 06:45 PM
Response to Reply #61
64. You said it!
You said he wasn't the real father!

Head, meet brick wall...
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Book Lover Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 03:29 PM
Response to Reply #46
53. In regards to the adoption, no
given the amount of information I have at my disposal. The relationship between the two adults is legally a different matter.

I understand your anger, but I hope you understand that I am trying to outline the differences between these two sets of relationships. Neither parent (adoptive or biological) can legally walk away from their responsibilities to the child. It is unfortunate that your friend chose to adopt a child whose mother was unfaithful (May I presume they were married to each other during the adoption?), but once he signed the adoption papers, he bound himself under the law to a parental relationship with that child. If he didn't want that, why adopt the child?
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Fridays Child Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 02:19 PM
Response to Reply #28
35. He adopted the child. Of course, it's fair. And the fact that you...
...would draw a conlusion about me becuase I used the term "deadbeat dads" ignores my egalitarian use of the term "deadbeat moms." What's your agenda? Hmm?
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Pithlet Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 02:23 PM
Response to Reply #35
37. There's an agenda alright.
Someone's prejudiced biases are really showing through.
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Fridays Child Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 02:41 PM
Response to Reply #37
40. Pithlet? Whenever I agree with your posts...


...I have an overwhelming urge to respond with a resounding "yeth."

Why is that? ;-)

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Pithlet Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 02:44 PM
Response to Reply #40
41. LOL
:)
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LincolnMcGrath Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 03:09 PM
Response to Reply #35
48. What's your agenda? Hmm?
Discussion only. Are you going answer the questions above?
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Pithlet Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 02:19 PM
Response to Reply #24
36. So all women are just like her
And all men are like Steve. There is no such thing as a woman getting screwed over by a man.

We got it. :eyes:
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LincolnMcGrath Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 03:11 PM
Response to Reply #36
49. Never said any of that.
Can we have a discussion without your prejudiced agenda at the forefront.
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Pithlet Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 03:16 PM
Response to Reply #49
52. You're implying it
Just your one post attacking bunnyj and accusing her of punishing her ex speaks volumes. I'm not exhibiting any prejudices; I'm calling you on yours.
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redqueen Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 12:12 PM
Response to Reply #15
23. Her anger caused her to demand what she had every right to to begin with!
:eyes:
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Pithlet Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 02:18 PM
Response to Reply #15
34. Totally uncalled for
You do not know bunnyj. Child support is the child's entitlement.
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Bunny Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 02:56 PM
Response to Reply #34
44. Thanks pithlet!
:pals:
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Kaysera Donating Member (75 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 05:17 PM
Response to Reply #15
55. I believe that she said ... no support (for their child) for 2 years.
I believe that she said that she had received no support (for their child) for 2 years.

Enough reason right there to take him to court.

Of course, I would have been angry about it too.
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eyesroll Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 11:30 AM
Response to Original message
3. Schaudenfreude is perhaps my favorite emotion.
(OK, so I'm mean and it's going to bite me in the ass someday.)

But glad everything worked out for you! :toast:
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Gothic Sponge Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 11:31 AM
Response to Original message
4. Congratulations!
If you see him in a Jag, have your attorney castrate him.
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LincolnMcGrath Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 11:33 AM
Response to Reply #4
6. De-gonading is getting allot of airtime around here.
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Gothic Sponge Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 11:34 AM
Response to Reply #6
7. All the cool kids are doing it!
;)
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redqueen Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 11:47 AM
Response to Reply #6
14. Wonder what would happen if someone suggested de-breasting...
Edited on Wed Sep-15-04 11:47 AM by redqueen
I'm guessing a separate thread, and subsequent flame war.

:evilgrin:
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LincolnMcGrath Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 11:53 AM
Response to Reply #14
18. You got it.
:evilgrin: Now hush before I bend you over a chair and......Oh never mind!
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Commie Pinko Dirtbag Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 01:37 PM
Response to Reply #14
30. Didn't the Amazons (from Greek myth) do that?
So their right breasts wouldn't interfere with their archery skills?
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Southpaw Bookworm Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 01:35 PM
Response to Reply #6
29. Well
After the thread recommending anal rape for women who won't listen to their menfolk, I'd think this is pretty goddamn innocuous.
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LincolnMcGrath Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 01:41 PM
Response to Reply #29
32. Can you post a link to the thread
RECOMMENDING anal rape?


Gosh and shucks I hope it wasn't this purple guy.
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Southpaw Bookworm Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 02:40 PM
Response to Reply #32
39. Found it
Took me quite a while though:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.ph...

I believe the exact phrase was "bend her over a chair and give it to her good" as punishment for her transgression.
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LincolnMcGrath Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 03:02 PM
Response to Reply #39
45. Don't see anal in there anywhere
Plenty of folks jumped on the comment.

Now lets talk about what this purple dinosaur is insinuating! Where is the outrage?
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MountainLaurel Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 03:39 PM
Response to Reply #45
54. Not meaning to start another flame war
But wouldn't the bending over the chair bit indicate an anal situation.

In any case, it was advocating using rape as a punishment.
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BurtWorm Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 11:33 AM
Response to Original message
5. Congratulations!
May you see him tootling around in Le Car next year.
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Bunny Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 11:38 AM
Response to Reply #5
9. He may already be doing that!
When I said everything else was going wrong for him right now, I was NOT kidding!

Oops, I should not be so gleeful about that. I have my own karma to worry about!
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rocktivity Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 11:39 AM
Response to Original message
10. Congrats and good riddance
Edited on Wed Sep-15-04 11:39 AM by rocknation
I guess you have to be in that kind of a relationship to understand what an accomplishment you made. But you SHOULD have bankrupted him, LOL!

My nephew managed to track down his long-lost father with the help of the Internet. My sister promptly slapped him with a bill for fifteen years' worth of back child support!

:headbang:
rocknation
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Bunny Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 11:46 AM
Response to Reply #10
13. Wow! Way to go for your sister and nephew!
Is the guy in any position to pay the arrears? That's great news!
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rocktivity Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 12:24 PM
Response to Reply #13
25. He owns a business now--a payment plan was worked out
My nephew wasn't too happy but my sister told him it was none of his business, LOL!

:headbang:
rocknation
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Bunny Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 12:25 PM
Response to Reply #25
26. Wonderful!
I love to see justice prevail. Good for them!
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GOPFighter Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 11:39 AM
Response to Original message
11. Anyone who can use...
Edited on Wed Sep-15-04 11:39 AM by GOPFighter
...schaudenfreude in a sentance cannot possibly be out-thought, or out-smarted by anyone!

Congratulations on getting your payback!
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Bunny Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 11:50 AM
Response to Reply #11
16. Perception is everything, isn't it?
I've always been intimidated by him - he often told me I used words that were too "big"! Tee Hee.
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Mandate My Ass Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 02:50 PM
Response to Original message
42. I'm happy for you and your daughter
I'm a Domestic Relations Court veteran (survivor) of many years, so be glad if you never have to walk into one again. They are hives of despair.

My ex actually got his child support for our son reduced because he knocked someone else up and the judge agreed with him that that was justification to reduce the very small amount he was giving me. I never could afford a lawyer so.....

It's best to have these things on paper. Saves pain and grief later on.
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Bunny Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 02:56 PM
Response to Reply #42
43. Thanks Monica!
I'm sorry to hear about your ex. I hope my kid's father doesn't try that one! Although they say you don't need a lawyer, I think you are really at a disadvantage if you go into this without one.

And yes, getting it on paper was quite painful, but for the best. Now I won't spend the next two years wondering if he's going to pay me!
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tigereye Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 06:32 PM
Response to Reply #43
60. glad things worked out for you Bunny
:hi:
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Bunny Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-15-04 06:59 PM
Response to Reply #60
65. Thanks tigereye!
:hi: back at ya!
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