Ask me anything and I will reply as though I'm this dumbass author

[eyesroll]

whose book I have to review for work.

Dear god. I'm on p. 59 and it's never going to end.

[Richardo]

1. What's on page 60?

[eyesroll]

4. How great I am that I don't let death follow me around

like the stalker I am to my employees.

[Langis]

2. What is the meaning of life?

[eyesroll]

6. It's all about changing your paradigm.

Unless you're Jewish.
Then it's all about business.

[Beware the Beast Man]

7. Read my sig line!

:bounce:

[eyesroll]

14. Well, if you don't want it wrapped around your nuts,

change your paradigm. Wrap it around Angel's nuts. He's already been through a lot. What's a little more?

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

3. Right now...

Would you rather slit your own throat or gouge your eyes out with a Taco Bell Spork?

[eyesroll]

9. Ah, the truly successful business person does not do

what is expected, and goes beyond what his competitors say.

I'm going to hypnotize myself and then set myself on fire.

[nickgutierrez]

5. What's the book about?

[eyesroll]

10. That depends, are you Oriental?

If you're Oriental, I'll use bigger words.


(note to mods -- yes, the author is actually is this big of a racist.)

[RobertSeattle]

8. Was it a dark and stormy night?

[eyesroll]

11. That's expected.

It was a clear day when my father was killed on impact, you know. And I see him still.

[Beware the Beast Man]

12. What the hell are you reading???

"How to Succeed in Business with Massive Head Trauma"??
:wtf:

[eyesroll]

17. Let me tell you the story of an associate of mine.

He had massive head trauma. Every time he flies, the stewardesses mark his ticket "retarded," even though he's one of the smartest men I know. Rather than get mad, he gets even -- he lets them drive him to the gate and help him with his luggage. Then he calls them all retards, and he gets those pilot's wings.

[Beware the Beast Man]

18. You're scaring me...

Is this payback for the hamster dance earworm this morning? :scared:

[eyesroll]

20. I'll break from character to give you a hint--

He's speaking at the November show. I'll probably have to introduce him.

:puke:

[Beware the Beast Man]

23. Oh, good God no.

I just looked it up. I think I know who you're talking about.

[eyesroll]

24. Did I tell you I'm Cuban, and have had problems coming

to terms with my accent, and I like Kissinger...but I've gotten over it.

Did you hear? Those Jews and Orientals are money-hungry and smart, respectively.

[redqueen]

13. Good God

If what you've written about it so far is any indication... well... how long is this book?

Have you considered cheating? I know I would.

[eyesroll]

15. Ah. But, those who are successful in business never cheat.

Did I tell you my daughter missed her prom so she could compete against those California Orientals in an academic competition? She won, because she had more heart and the Orientals were automatons.

[redqueen]

21. BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Does this book actually say that?

*low, mordant chuckle*

This person obviously has no clue... none whatsoever.

[eyesroll]

22. I economize.

Economy of words is essential, but the sentiment is there, yes.

I economize unless I can take three pages to explain: "Dad died. It sucked."

[Gothic Sponge]

16. Why does it hurt when i pee?

[eyesroll]

19. It hurts because the paradigm is wrapped around your nuts.

When I talk to audiences around the world, sometimes it hurts when I pee. But successful business people don't let that stop them. Think outside the box.

[asthmaticeog]

25. Are "Friends" Electric?

[eyesroll]

27. That depends.

Did "Friends" appear at my last seminar, which wasn't even my seminar, really, since I just appeared and told them I'd be happy to speak if one of their own speakers cancelled. I brought down the house and now I'm their keynote for their next conference in Puerto Rico.

[BigMcLargehuge]

26. If I encourage two employees beneath me to compete

in a stapler fight-to-the-death as both a morale booster AND cost cutting measure, should I both charge the two combattants for their expended staples (one of course posthumously) AND charge an entry fee for non-combatant employees?

Following that question, When I then claim the overead savings from eliminating one employee AND 50% of the take from ticket sales, do I include it on my personal review as value add or morale boost?

[eyesroll]

28. All of the above are correct.

You, sir, are an inspiration. Would you be available in November so I can parade you in front of a bunch of cleaning people as an example to behold?

[BigMcLargehuge]

29. I am happy to appear at your gathering

do you in fact have any employee reductions pending? I could license the stapler fight-to-the-death idea, with a handy start up kit (made up mostly of machine cut cardboard remnants made in a Chinese prison orphanage) and a pre-written waiver placing the blame for any injuries onto the employees themselves.

Since you're a pal... I'll knock 10% off and release the license and kit for only $1500.

If you want to parade me, I'll require a float in the shape of a Sherman Tank with a stapler in place of the canon drawn by five white Clydesdales, room and board, 500 buck per diem, and some company supplied prostitutes.

Let me know.

[eyesroll]

30. My god? Jorge? Is that you?

My brother, it's been so long!

[JohnnyRingo]

31. Why don't you use the "essay generator" ?...

It writes a new bullshit essay on any subject.

Do what I'd do...type in the book title and fake the whole thing.
Cut and paste the excerpts you like. LOL

http://radioworldwide.gospelcom.net/essaygenerator/

[eyesroll]

32. But, then, how would I get to share someone else's deeply personal

story with my fawning audience of millions?

[redqueen]

33. Millions?

Millions of fans?

OK... now that's depressing.

[eyesroll]

34. As I always say -- you'll always get what you ask for.

If I want millions of fans, I'll ask for them and they will appear.

Conversely, sometimes you get what you don't ask for, but then you have to shift paradigms and get enough exercise and God bless you.

[KamaAina]

35. Who should go on Mt. Rushmore first, Reagan or Bush*?

Sounds like the perfect softball question for this meatball.

Do, please, whip out your gold-plated poison pen for the review...

[eyesroll]

36. That is far too predictable.

To succeed in business, one must subvert the standard paradigm, you know. There seems to be a push to put Reagan on everything from the dime to Mt. Rushmore to the school down the block -- but did he ask for it? You can't get what you don't ask for (unless it's my father's death, which I'd be happy to spend the next dozen pages talking about in the context of business success).

Next person who asks, gets.