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samplegirl Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 01:57 PM
Original message
My daughter is a complete BITCH"
I really envy mothers who have a good relationship with there daughters............my daughter is self centered "all about me"
kinda girl. Until she wants or needs something from me.
She talks to me like Im a dog....shes 22yrs. old, does nothing around
the house pays no rent and acts like shes doing me a favor living
here.
Today she pulled the ultimate on me....made plans with me then
took off with her boyfriends sister which she despises most of the
time.
Im on the bottom of the barrel with this young woman that hurts me
constantly. I've devoted alot of my life to her and this is the thanks i get.
On top of it all.........I worry about getting old......i will never
be able to depend on her.
I'll be in a nursing home before i can blink an eye.
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Dookus Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 01:59 PM
Response to Original message
1. No offense
but why the hell is a 22 year old living at home and not paying rent?

She should've left your care 4 years ago.
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LynneSin Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 02:01 PM
Response to Reply #1
6. Four years only if she wasn't attending college
(see my post below)
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UdoKier Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 11:19 PM
Response to Reply #1
69. I totally disagree.
This is one of very few countries in the world where it is normal for a child to leave home at 18 for any reason other than marriage. Living at home while attending college is much more logical financially for most families, and I deeply regret that I left home at 19.

My kids will be welcome to stay at home until they are at least 26, so long as they are attending school.

The issue of disrespect is another story. You should not tolerate it. If she is unwilling to treat you like a human being, she should look for other digs.

As for her flightiness and undependable nature, that may not be a lifetime trait. She's still very young and when she finally DOES move out and have kids of her own, she probably will have much more sympathy for what you've gone through.
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Child_Of_Isis Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 02:00 PM
Response to Original message
2. Put her out.
It's called tough love.
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ohiosmith Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 02:00 PM
Response to Original message
3. Throw her ass out.
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qanda Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 02:01 PM
Response to Original message
4. So sorry to hear that
I think there's a lot of growing up that has to take place before people realize the value of their parents. I'm not sure when, but I'll bet things will turn around. Hang in there. :hug:
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LynneSin Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 02:01 PM
Response to Original message
5. She's 22? Start charging her rent
My mother, whom I adore, gave me a 6 months grace period after I graduated college before she would start charging me rent (it wasn't anything outrages, like $25/week).

I moved out 3 months later.

You have given your daughter 22 years of your life, time to let her move on!
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chiburb Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 02:01 PM
Response to Original message
7. Or pehaps cut a deal with her?
You take care of her now (free rent, gets to talk to you in barks), and she takes care of you later (when YOU need free rent and someone to bark at)?
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commander bunnypants Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 02:02 PM
Response to Original message
8. at least make her pay rent
DDQM
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ronnykmarshall Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 02:02 PM
Response to Original message
9. Throw her ass out!
I was a complete shit head at 22. I was going through my "everyone can kiss my ass" phase at the time. It was hard for me because at the time my mom and I didn't get along. I had been "out" to her for about for about 2 years, she was re-married and I was involved with the biggest jerk I had ever dated.

Took me a couple of years to grow up and get my ass in gear.
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HEyHEY Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 02:02 PM
Response to Original message
10. Give her a month to save funds then kick her ass out the door
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demnan Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 02:03 PM
Response to Original message
11. I agree with the other posters
I also want to add that once your daughter has moved out she will begin to appreciate you. I think adult children resent their parents when they help them too much.
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silverlib Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 02:12 PM
Response to Original message
12. This is what worked for me...
but I would never suggest it is the answer to your situation.

My daughter and I were not getting along at all. She was in the last year of college and living at home. She did work part time and took out student loans to pay most of her college expenses. I bought the books and paid sundry expenses. I added up what it cost me in phone bills, utilities, groceries, gasoline for her car, etc and told her that if she moved out, I would pay her that amount every month until three months after she graduated. I did wait for a time when we were not arguing to make the offer. This worked out wonderfully and now we are great friends (she is thirty-five). She tells her high school students the story and adds that the responsibility of parents to to assure that their children can live on their own and that this is the best thing that ever happened to her and to our relationship.
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miss_kitty Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 02:12 PM
Response to Original message
13. you do neither of you any favours by continuing this
show her how you can put yourself first. throw her selfish arse out.
if you let it continue, then you are asking for shitty treatment, since allowing her to continue to live with you is tacit approval of bad behaviour. i don't think attempting to charge her rent would work...she'd agree, to shut you up then stiff you...

find out the legal way to evict her and start saving up for re-keying your locks...
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xchrom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 02:13 PM
Response to Original message
14. how sharper than a serpents tooth
is an ungrateful childs love.... w. shakespear
anyway -- i have no words of advice.
you don't need them from me.
unless patience is advice -- you aren't a bad person -- she will probably not turn out to be a bad one either.
take care of yourself -- i'll be thinking about you.
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bo44 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 11:05 PM
Response to Reply #14
68. here here xchrom nice non bit of advice
I am serious. Advice cripples. Patience my frustrated DUer.
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plcdude Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 02:16 PM
Response to Original message
15. Having had 3 daughters
one now 28 and one 19 I can relate to your situation as far as how they treated their mother at times. I took it upon myself to let them know that I won't put up with that behavior to my wife. They needed to know that as adults they will experience the consequences for their actions and words. I think it may be time for 1. a third party intervention if you are able and 2. a change in living circumstances as others have advised here. "You don't know what you've got til its gone" is a possible positive result.
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shawcomm Donating Member (877 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 02:18 PM
Response to Original message
16. She needs to grow up and you need to help her.
By not having to have any responsibility, such as paying rent, you're only hurting her as well as allowing her to continue to hurt you.

The other thing I think that you should deal with is the thought that you'll someday need to depend on her. That's not what we have kids for and we never should think about putting that kind of burden or expectation on our kids. You're the parent, you raised her; you'll be fine without her. The more I think about that line, the more I think you might just be a little afraid to let her go. Kind of had that with my parents, but the best thing is to give her a little push. (Although were I disrespectful, especially at that age, I'd get more than a little push...)
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sui generis Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 02:18 PM
Response to Original message
17. Don't be passive aggressive with her about this
Communicate to her and it's never too late to teach a lesson.

If she can't keep her word to you on the "little things" then why on earth does she expect you to keep your word to her on anything at all? A commitment is something that shouldn't be given easily and never easily broken.

If it could be easily broken, she would be feeding herself and paying her own rent . . . somewhere else, but you honor your commitment to her even when she's a bitch to you. Ask her to respect that.
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chiburb Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 02:32 PM
Response to Original message
18. What REALLY bothers me about your post...
Is the assumption on your part that she is in any way obligated to support you in your dotage. In fact, perhaps if you DO throw her out now (as others have suggested), YOU will learn to be independent too!
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LWolf Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 02:37 PM
Response to Reply #18
19. Oh, dear.
What really bothers me about your post is the assumption on your part that we are not responsible for caring for our elderly family members. My mom was there for 15 years for my great-aunt. I will be there for my mom. And I know my boys will be there for me.

I hope I will be alert and able to do things for myself until the end; I don't make a good dependent. I've been taking care of myself for a really long time. But, just as I cared for my sons when they were too young to care for themselves, I hope they will care for me if or when I reach a point that I can't do it myself. We care for each other; that's why we're a family.

Elders should be honored, not warehoused.
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sui generis Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 02:48 PM
Response to Reply #19
21. I agree with that assessment
my youngest next door neighbor is 78, with neighbors all the way to 98. They still live in their homes, and their "children" of 58 to 78 are there nearly daily to check on them.

Every once in a while I go pick one of them up when they fall over, rescue their cats, rake their leaves and graciously accept chocolate cookies and pecan pies. But without their children to look in on them they would certainly be living in a lonely room in a senior warehouse somewhere - not necessarily a great "family value" if they did have children.
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chiburb Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 02:55 PM
Response to Reply #21
25. I didn't say anything about help, you did...
This is what I'm responding to:

"I've devoted alot of my life to her and this is the thanks i get.
On top of it all.........I worry about getting old......i will never
be able to depend on her.
I'll be in a nursing home before i can blink an eye."

Sounds like a very dependent, needy, guilt-tripping mother who, if she doesn't learn independence now, will never be in a position like your neighbors: still in their own homes, visited and helped by loving kids, and still ON THEIR OWN!

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samplegirl Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 07:45 PM
Response to Reply #25
52. Your right!!!!!!
Thank you for your good advice!!! I thought I would have peace
by this time in my life.
I need the house to myself!!!!
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chiburb Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 02:50 PM
Response to Reply #19
23. I don't disagree with anything in your post...
Because it's all "I hope", and I'm glad if it becomes reality for you. That said, as a parent myself, I have absolutely NO expectations of being taken care of by my daughters. I raised them to be independent people with NO obligations to me... only to THEIR children.
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fudge stripe cookays Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 03:42 PM
Response to Reply #19
34. Everyone's case is different.
My mother is unstable, bitchy, and downright frightening.

I have an older brother who has completely written my mom off. I had always assumed I would be the one taking care of my mother. But no longer.

When she threatened to kill me last year it removed any guilt I may have had about this woman. I'm supposed to have her come live with me and then worry every night I could wake up with a gun to my head? No, I beg to differ.

You have no idea what may transpire in some families. Some of us are way more dysfunctional than you are. My brother completely distanced himself from both of us after my dad died, and my mom's nuts. I owe my family nothing.

FSC

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LWolf Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 09:35 PM
Response to Reply #34
64. Actually, I do have a pretty good idea.
My mom's extended period of senior care for my great aunt was not wonderful, after dementia set in. Of course, she was too weak to harm anyone; she didn't get out of bed, ever, the last 10 years. But there were verbal attacks, and a severe case of paranoia. I spelled my mom when she couldn't take it, and we both focused on remembering the strong, independent woman she once was. We also both decided not to take any extra measures, other than eating and sleeping, to prolong life when our body starts giving up. Neither of us wants to end up like that.

I don't think family members should abuse each other; that includes seniors abusing caretakers, parents abusing kids, kids abusing parents...we ought to be taking care of each other.

Maybe my little family feels so strongly about it because there are only the 4 of us; my mom, me, and my 2 grown sons. That's it. There were a few other extended family members, but we cut those ties for that very reason. They aren't "family," and we don't want or need anything from them. Families don't (or shouldn't) use and abuse. I don't think we have to be there to take care of abusers.

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Book Lover Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 03:26 PM
Response to Reply #18
31. So when you were born
You were able to wipe your shit-covered ass solo, feed yourself, and drive yourself to the doctor? It is not wrong or codependant to expect a child to at the very least respect you.
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chiburb Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 03:38 PM
Response to Reply #31
33. For a Book Lover, you don't read very well...
Where did I say anything about respect? What does this have to do with nursing or wiping?:

"I've devoted alot of my life to her and this is the thanks i get.
On top of it all.........I worry about getting old......i will never
be able to depend on her.
I'll be in a nursing home before i can blink an eye."

I don't mind your sentiment, but don't argue with something I didn't say.

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Book Lover Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 03:43 PM
Response to Reply #33
35. Your attitude is
that the daughter owes the mother nothing. My point is that any unabused child owes the parent at least respect because of the tedious chores parent have to do.
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chiburb Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 03:50 PM
Response to Reply #35
36. LOL!
So if a mother outsources "tedious chores" she deserves no respect?

And yes, a loving mother (or father) often does NOT expect anything in return for the choice she made. The expectation should be that the child take care of and nurture her children... not her parents.

Different strokes, different folks.

Btw, tedious chores don't merit "respect". They merit gratitude.
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Book Lover Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 03:54 PM
Response to Reply #36
37. Yes, clearly we differ (nm)
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TX-RAT Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 04:01 PM
Response to Reply #18
39. YOU will learn to be independent too!
"Damn right" It took my wife and i about 15 minutes to learn to be independent, after our daughter moved out.
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MissB Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 02:46 PM
Response to Original message
20. I am sorry
I was a shithead back in my late teens. I did clear up before my early 20's, but that was because I had to go it alone.

It sounds like you have some work to do on your relationship. Hope you work it out.
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samplegirl Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 07:41 PM
Response to Reply #20
50. Thank you everyone for your replys
Im calling for some counseling tomorrow. I've got so much on my
plate nobody would believe my story. My mother lives with me as
well who is 90. Seven years......365days a year and havent had a
vacation since my daughter was two.
Just getting out to do a car show is tough......as i cant depend
on my daughter to get her grandmother something to eat.
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Terran Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 02:48 PM
Response to Original message
22. Gotta agree, you should make her pay.
Rent, that is. No one over 18 and living at home should get it for free.
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Xithras Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 02:53 PM
Response to Original message
24. IMO, neither of you "deserves" anything from the other.
Our parents raised us to be free, independent, responsible adults, and we raise our children to be the same. You didn't do her any favors by bringing her into this world...you CHOSE to have a child and raise her. You CHOSE to devote two decades of your life to her. You never gave her a choice in the matter, so you can't really "demand repayment".

On the other hand, she is not acting as a responsible adult. If she is 100% dependent on you, then she is choosing to give up her independence in order to be a dependent, and YOU have the right to impose any strings you want to her dependency. She may exercise her independence and move out, or she may work out some kind of equitable agreement, but either way she needs to face the fact that you can't be 100% free to do your own thing while foisting your responsibilities off on someone else...that's not what adulthood is all about.

And as for the "getting old" thing, you need to make sure you have a backup plan and aren't 100% dependent on her. You never know...she could decide to move across the country next year, or even to another country. She may not be in a position financially, emotionally, or psychologically to take on an elderly parent, or (like me) she may simply have no interest in it. NOBODY should depend on their kids to take care of them when they get old. It's not their responsibility, and it's very unfair for a parent to simply assume that they can impose themselves on their children whenever they want. They are independent, freethinking adults, and they should have the right to live however they choose.
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chiburb Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 02:58 PM
Response to Reply #24
27. Well said, X...
Much more diplomatic than my response...
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WMliberal Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 02:57 PM
Response to Original message
26. tell her to pay rent or leave
i'm 22, just out of college, and paying rent. my 20 y/o sister has just been thrown out for disrespect and no rent .
the disrespect is out of line and warrants her ass on the street. the rent idea gives you a reason that will teach her responsibility.
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JVS Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 03:07 PM
Response to Original message
28. Kick her out
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Courtesy Flush Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 03:58 PM
Response to Reply #28
38. I second that
She's an adult. Tell her to pony up some rent or get out. You're coddling her. No wonder she's self centered. She needs to learn some life lessons.
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Tracer Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 03:16 PM
Response to Original message
29. Buck up.
Don't "throw her out".

Perhaps both of you are just having a real bad day.

I sympathize with you because from age 12 to age 17, my daughter was the most miserable, disrespectful, piece of work that you could ever imagine.

She had something of an epiphany at 17 when one of her high school teachers! told her that she'd never amount to anything in her life.

There was a complete turnaround in her and now (she's 32) is the most charming, helpful, wonderful daughter anyone could have.

There's going to be a payback time for you someday when your daughter will say those magic words "Mom, you were right".
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GoddessOfGuinness Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 03:23 PM
Response to Original message
30. It's time for her to see the real world...
She needs to be out there fending for herself before she can appreciate what you've done for her thus far.

And, with all respect, you need to get out, meet people, and do the things you weren't able to do when you were busy being a great mom.

Oh, and my experience tells me that whenever I worry about getting old, I've wasted time that I could have spent feeling young.

Have a blast! :hug:
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ikojo Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 03:32 PM
Response to Original message
32. I realize I don't know you except from this thread...
however, a 22 year old who doesn't do anything around the house was probably never expected to anything around the house. I hear this complaint all the time from parents I work with. They have kids in their 20s who were given every luxury the parents could afford, as well as some they really could not afford. As kids they were not expected to help around the house because the parents (ESPECIALLY mothers) felt guilty about working outside the home, so they wanted the kids to have as idyllic a childhood as possible. Mom works eight plus hours a day and still is expected to cater to kids and husband at home.

If kids are not taught to pitch in when they are truly children then parents cannot expect them to suddenly WANT to help out around the house when they are teenagers or young adults. Why should they when mom and dad did everything for them? In their worldview, as taught by many parents, people are here to serve THEM. They have NO obligation to think about others.

As far as how she talks to you, with no respect. This is probably something that has been going on for some time as well, only it's reached a fever pitch now that she's chronologically an adult. She's really NOT an adult because she still depends upon her mommy and will do so until mom makes her fend for herself in some way.

I realize I may be stepping on toes but I am just posting my observations based upon anecdotal evidence gleamed from working with many, many parents and observing my own siblings who have 20 something year old kids at home who do nothing around the house.

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samplegirl Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 07:43 PM
Response to Reply #32
51. your right
Its princess syndrome. Beleive me I tryed just never had a good
support system with her Father.
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HereSince1628 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 04:26 PM
Response to Original message
40. You are not unique, I spend hours with my SO dealing with her
daughters's issues...failure to pay rent, faiure to complete incomplete college courses, failure to declare a major, failure to find an academic advisors...yada, yada, yada...

If I were paid minimum wages for trying to peel my SO's feelings off the floor, wall and ceiling I would be able to retire.

For _my_ SO the issue is inability to accurately define "love" and "committment" and also a general failure to see that daughter shares MANY of the same traits of SO tat drive SO mad.

For you, all I can say is that you are not alone. I can't presume to know what things hold you and your daughter apart.

My advise would be to tell your daughter that you realize that you both can get hurt feelings but that _you_ always come back, ready to help her (which must be some component of love or committment).

On the more practical side, I say drink your favorite tea and take a bubblebath.

I urge you to do something nice for yourself everytime that your daughter makes you want to strike back. In the end you'll get treated better and if you bathe rathe than respond you can't be blamed for provoking her. It will surely make you smell nice :)




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samplegirl Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 07:55 PM
Response to Reply #40
58. She thinks everything her boyfriends mother says is good advice!
Cant wait to see what good advice she gets.....once shes married
and opens her mouth about her sons downfalls!!!!!!!!!!
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HereSince1628 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Aug-26-04 02:15 PM
Response to Reply #58
77. I hope the bubble bath worked...if not I am advising you choose
to do something nice for yourself EVERY time your daughter hurts you. The friendly reinforcement might offset the pain.

Good Luck.
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La Lioness Priyanka Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 04:27 PM
Response to Original message
41. just so you know, my mother is a psycho bitch!
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Red State Rebel Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 04:37 PM
Response to Original message
42. I feel your pain...
Mine is 24 and on occasion "forgets" and uses my bank card to pay for things. She doesn't live at home but she's a mess.
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Debi Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 04:41 PM
Response to Original message
43. Every situation is different....
I was 18 and three days past high school grad when I moved out never to move back in...my older brother stayed until he graduated from college (six years since he worked full-time so no student loans).

I guess we were raised to believe that once we were out of school we were out of the house...no questions asked and no other options.

Mom and Dad have helped both of us financially to stay out of their home since but never has an offer to move home been made.

Never thought of my parents as my 'friends' I mean I like them, but they will always be my parents. Due the respect and reverence that comes with giving someone your youth to help them become a responsible adult.

My child will be treated the same.

But that is my situation and my opinion...reading the other posts, we all have one (or more..)

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Deja Q Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 05:26 PM
Response to Original message
44. My condolances for you.
It's a shame how some kids turn out - and it's not your fault.

I'd charge her rent. I wasn't as bad as her, but at one point in my life I did take things for granted. Their charging me rent was something I was GLAD they did, in retrospect - initially I was against it, but I was selfish and naive too.

With luck, she'll change.
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samplegirl Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 07:52 PM
Response to Reply #44
55. Its her mouth and her know everything attitude.
When does this change????????? I suppose when shes out on her own
and her first electric bill, gas bill, phone bill, and rent all come
due at once.
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MrSandman Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 08:14 PM
Response to Reply #55
63. Your house, your rules...
Rent or the road.

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shawcomm Donating Member (877 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 08:02 PM
Response to Reply #44
59. I gotta disagree with ya
It's a shame how some kids turn out - and it's not your fault.

Actually, it is her fault. It's obvious by her calling her own daughter a bitch and lamenting her daughter's disrespect that she doesn't view herself as being in authority, as the parent.

She has to act like a parent if she wants her child to treat her with the respect of one.
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Bernardo de La Paz Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Aug-26-04 12:55 AM
Response to Reply #44
72. Blake would never put up with it, not Avon.
Ship up or shape out.

Tell her calmly and sweetly, but firmly. Leave the door open to negotiation, but extract some real concessions and stick to them.

She has you well trained. Just let go of it. Be at peace or get peace.
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DemWitch Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 05:30 PM
Response to Original message
45. 22 and still at home?
I was out by 17... show her the door, give her a kiss, tell her "welcome to the real world baby", then give her a shove and lock the door...
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IronLionZion Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 05:38 PM
Response to Original message
46. If I treated my parents like that
hoooowheeeee I don't even want to think about that. What the hell is wrong with people?, especially girls? When my sister sasses my mom she gets a tight slap and some harsh words.

Damn, tell her to shape up or ship out. There's no excuse for anyone to talk to their mama with anything less than total respect. If you don't want to charge rent, make her help out around the house. And where's her daddy? Somebody needs to slap the bitchiness out of her!
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TrustingDog Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 05:47 PM
Response to Original message
47. I know how you feel....
I am in a similar circumstance.

My girl is 19 and has been temporarily on her own - living with a friend in an apartment until the end of September - after which she will be returning home and plans to work for a year to save up for college.

She's a great person and I love her to bits but, yeah, there are those 'me me me' times that test me to no end and drive me insane. Lucky me seems to be the punching bag for all things that go awry for her. Everybody else seems to get the 'good stuff'. heh.

But I feel there is hope and all this will end up fine down the road.

For an example, when she was younger she would ask me for help with her math homework. I am real lousy at math, and to top it all off, she was taking a french immersion program, so the Math was in French. hahahah! I sure was a lot of help! So she sweated and cursed and cried and made me feel so guilty because her friends dad always helped and why can't you be like Kelly's dad, mom?!!!

Years later she told me this nugget that I cherished.
-Thanks mom, for not being able to help me with my Math as I had to figure it all out on my own. Kelly's dad did help her, sure, but she got the answers the easy way and didn't know how to get to them on her own and now comes to me for help.-

You have to find these little treasures and hang on to them tight and ride it out. Things will get better, (here's hoping) :)

Best of Luck to you, and never feel you are Alone with this problem. I have friends with kids around the same age with the same stories.
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Endangered Specie Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 05:50 PM
Response to Original message
48. Kick her ass out (question inside)...
and If she dont leave, call the cops.

If I may ask? why is she not in college?/living elsewhere with boyfriend or something like that?
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SmileyBoy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 06:19 PM
Response to Original message
49. 22???!!! Hell, I'm 22, and I'm 3/4 of the way out of the nest.
How about ordering to either go to college or get a job if she's gonna live under your roof???

I know this: If I couldn't make it in college and had to go back home to my folks, I would be busting my ass trying to find a full-time job, because I know that I would be doing my parents a huge disservice by sitting around the house doing nothing, and being a burden.

And I'm 22 and currently going to college AND I have two jobs (although one's a summer job).
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samplegirl Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 07:48 PM
Response to Reply #49
53. Good for you!!!!
I was always a very hard worker from a very young age....and im
still a very hard worker picking up the slack of others.
Your hard work will pay off.....and make you a better person for it.
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Taverner Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 07:48 PM
Response to Original message
54. I remember what my dad said to me on my 18th birthday
"Good bye!"
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RetroLounge Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 07:52 PM
Response to Original message
56. I was a diffucult teen, but not that bad
I got along pretty well with my parents, but the day I turned 18, I was told to pay rent and get a job, or else use the door.

My older and younger brothers heard the same thing.

I moved out 1 year later, but I knew the importance of work and responsibility, and no free rides.

My daughter can be a bit bitchy at times, and really thinks I owe her everything and she just won't get a job or pay rent. Of course, she is only 3 years old :D

Wishing you the best and hope things work out. Keep us posted in the future.

RL
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maveric Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 07:53 PM
Response to Original message
57. Parents dont "deserve" respect. But they dont "deserve" disrespect.
Edited on Wed Aug-25-04 07:54 PM by maveric
Respect is something that has to be earned. But disrespect should not be tolerated.
I would give her an ultimatum. Either act like an adult (which she is), pay rent, act responsibly and knock off the disrespect or she has to get out.
I have 3 sons ages 22,18 and 13, all live with me (single parent also). That is all I ask from them. That and to pick up after themselves/share chores.
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vetwife Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 08:06 PM
Response to Reply #57
60. I got a feeling this is not new....
I have a rule around here. You don't have to like me but sure have to respect me and if you don't I will take you to places you don't want to go. This rule started when I said don't touch that ! At 22, I would just have to say Darling, I love you but this isn't working out. You go where you are the center of your universe and see how bright that star shines when I am not your maid. You to shall grow old and who is going to be there for you, because with that attitude, you won't get a meaningful relationship. You can't change them at 22..It starts around toddling age. Even at athat its 50/50 that they end up being disrespectful but a little fear never hurt. My kids respect me probably from a touch of fear.
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NashVegas Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Aug-26-04 02:24 PM
Response to Reply #57
78. I Was Taught Respect As a Two-Way Street
Where is a child to learn how to respect others, if not in their own home?

You can't teach a child to behave with respect if you don't show them what it is, first.
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amazona Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 08:07 PM
Response to Original message
61. you sound like you are hurting and worried


Many adult children are not and never will be emotionally, physically, or financially qualified to provide long term nursing care. I couldn't do it, although I was able to provide some short term care for my mom when she was ill. But long term care, I simply couldn't do it. And most people really can't. I have no suggestion except to live for today and to do what you can to enjoy life now so that if you do end in a nursing home, when they take all your money, you will at least have lived. Does that make sense? I guess I'm saying...you have two problems here, and the issue of poor health/nursing care for our elders is separate from the issue of your daughter is inconsiderate and does not pay rent. Even if she was the most caring lady in the world, she might not be able to provide nursing care for any number of reasons.

So I guess I'm saying, your daughter is grown. You did your best. It's time for YOU. Either ask your daughter to pay rent or ask her to move out. Whatever you decide, don't feel guilty about it. And then live a little and spend a little on yourself and enjoy a bit of the world while you can. Most of us do pass in hospitals or nursing homes (at least in my state) but it doesn't matter where we pass -- what matters is that we lived while we had a chance.

So spoil yourself a little!

And here's a virtual hug.

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PittPoliSci Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 08:09 PM
Response to Original message
62. Is 22 too late for an abortion?
just kidding! as a soon to be 22 year old bum living at home, I guess the best thing you can do is give her space. She'll respect you for not meddling, and you'll learn to watch her grow up and make decisions on her own. "Mom, I need money, car's broken!" "Get a job." "Mom, I'm hungry!" "You know how to cook." Don't throw her out, cause that can strain the relationship further, rather try to set her straight with rigid independence. Charging rent may be a good idea, but it also may force her out.
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maveric Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 09:39 PM
Response to Reply #62
65. Give her her space?
Bullshit! The girl needs to grow up and recognize all that her mom has done for her. Granted kids owe their parents nothing but 22 is old enough to start to act as an adult if she wants to be treated like oneTime to grow up girl!
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PittPoliSci Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 10:37 PM
Response to Reply #65
66. well...
if you give her her space and she fucks up you can bust her ass but still provide a caring atmosphere.

if you kick her out, she will resent her mother and maybe not come back if there is a serious problem.

it's a hard situation, I'm not a bad kid, so I'm not sure what to do, but my father works with troubled teens, so he does, and he recommends my approach.
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NightTrain Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 11:04 PM
Response to Original message
67. I have a 50-year-old friend who has never lived away from his parents...
...and who has never written a rent check in his life. He has the emotional maturity of a teen-ager. Unless you want your daughter to turn out the same way, you need to make her get out on her own. It certainly helped *me* become an adult!

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wickerwoman Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-25-04 11:57 PM
Response to Original message
70. Wow, you're presenting such a terrific model of respect yourself.
Your daughter talks to you like a dog, but you're the one calling her a "bitch" on a public forum where she can't defend herself.

Throw her out if you like and gloat about your freedom. If you're anything like my parents (and you sound like you are) you'll be begging her for a visit in 5 years.

My parents called me a bitch to my face if I disagreed with them about the slightest thing. You can't begin to imagine how that tears a kid down. She make act tough up front, but it will never be an equal fight between you. I think calling anyone a bitch is a sign of extreme disrespect. The idea of a parent calling their child that makes me sick to my stomach.

My parents were taking measurements to convert my room into a office before I'd even left for college and running around laughing in front of me about all the extra space they'd have.

Fastforward ten years and every other conversation with my parents involves them asking when I'm moving back to their city, oh, and I'm welcome to stay with them for as long as I like rent-free. It's a sweet offer but I wouldn't accept it if they paid me. 5,000 miles is just about the right distance for me.

I appreciate that you're upset about the current situation, but you have to give respect to get it and be careful about those bridges you're burning.
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IrishBloodEngHeart Donating Member (815 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Aug-26-04 12:40 AM
Response to Original message
71. Grow up and quit complaining
Edited on Thu Aug-26-04 12:43 AM by IrishBloodEngHeart
Clearly you like drama in your life and are comfortable with it.

1) Quit bad mouthing your daughter without allowing her to defend herself

2) Kick her out if she bothers you that much

3) Get a seperate identity and don't let your happiness depend on how she treats you.
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JSJ Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Aug-26-04 02:54 AM
Response to Original message
73. it'll get better n/t
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Rhiannon12866 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Aug-26-04 03:42 AM
Response to Original message
74. She is 22. I think that she will change.
Just worry about taking care of yourself and your kitties. I know it is hard, but some kids take awhile to mature. My brother never will, but he's an exception. If you see an opening, try to have a rational conversation. Otherwise, back off, if you can. Look for openings. I know that you love your child and will never give up on her, but, perhaps, you must let her go to bring her back to you. :shrug:
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truthspeaker Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Aug-26-04 07:37 AM
Response to Original message
75. 1)Give her 60 days notice. 2)Start saving money for your old age
Kids don't reach a certain age and automatically know how to take care of themselves and treat their parents with respect; they have to learn it and it's your job to help teach.
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onebigbadwulf Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Aug-26-04 07:47 AM
Response to Original message
76. Let me guess, you are divorced?
I act the same way to my mother who divorced my dad when I was 6.

I resent her for making me live with her. Trying to earn my love back, both parents spent most of my childhood bribing me.

Needless to say, divorces screw with us in a bad bad way.
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IdaBriggs Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Aug-26-04 09:15 PM
Response to Original message
79. Perhaps she takes after you more than you would like?
You refer to her as a "bitch" which is generally a learned behavior. She is being passive aggressive and so are you. You have a bad relationship which you are partially responsible for. Either you were a bad mother who spoiled her into this, or you are flip-flopping on being good / bad (perhaps due to guilt?) and bitterly resenting her "leaching" -- yet, both of you seem to accept this as "normal."

There is more going on here than you are saying. What kind of agreements have the two of you made regarding living arrangements, expectations and boundaries? Have you even HAD those discussions? What does SHE want out of the relationship? Why is she so angry with you?
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