So her ex-husband keeps popping by to hurl insults...

[Robb]

No, not what you think.

I've got this dear friend who's got an ex, they've got a history of fighting -- she landed in jail for a spell, since after the big one that led to their divorce proceedings she didn't have a mark on her -- and he's been following her around somewhat. Most remarkably this afternoon, she's visiting me playing with the dogs, and the ex (having spotted her car) came over, knocked on the door, and delivered a nice string of obscenity concerning her questionable morality. All, of course, in front of her already confused teenage daughter.

So I'm really not sure what the best thing I can do for her would be, if anything... he's not physically threatening (after all, last time she cleaned his clock), just verbally abusive. I'm mildly concerned he might have the wrong idea about my role in all this, although if he pops by again he'll get the husky-licking of his life from the critters.

She's just a wreck for days every time he finds her to tell her off. Anyone have any experience with these kinds of situations?

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

1. That is Harrassment...

Tell her a restraining order is appropriate. Your testimony is helpful.

[peacefreak]

2. Two words--

Restraining Order. He is harassing her. She did nothing to him & was going about her business. What this amounts to is stalking. Please take action before it escalates to the physical.

[havocmom]

3. Restraining order time, seriously!

Just cuz she didn't get hurt last time it escalated to physical doesn't mean he won't use a weapon. Restraining orders will not necessarily save one's life, but they are a step in the right direction.

Read a startling fact about women and hospitalization. Reason most are hospitalized, following childbirth and/or pregnancy complications: spousal abuse. Ex or estranged spouses account for a big part of that.
It should be taken seriously.

Talk to her about getting counseling and a restraining order, NOW.

If you are in the Tucson area, please PM me and I will give you another terrific resource for her safety and healing.

peace,
hm

[Nlighten1]

4. Yep.

Past time for it.

[Droopy]

5. It sounds like it's time to call your local gangster

I garauntee you once he gets a little visit from Vinny the Nose he won't be coming around your friend anymore. I hear they work cheap in your neck of the woods, too, seeing as how there isn't much action out there.

Of course you could always take matters into your own hands if you are the ass whuppin' type and kick his ass the next time he shows up at your door. Just say he was trespassing.

Seriously, I'd do what others here have suggested and go the restraining order route. If he violates that he'll be the one going to jail.

[TNDemo]

6. I used to be the kid in this situation.

My parents divorced when I was 10 and my father in particular could have written the book on how to get a divorce and really screw up your kid. He would ask me if I knew how women got babies. I hated to look ignorant so I would say yes. He would say that is what my mother had been doing with every man in town. Of course I wondered why there were no babies. He yammered on and on and on about her (even his second wife would sit there and listen). Then he would end it all by saying he wanted us to love our mother because she was our mother and he didn't want to turn us against her. He would try to get me to cuss out her boyfriends, etc. The final result of this is that when I got to be 17 or 18 and began seeing things in a more realistic adult light I saw that my mother had taken the higher road and I lost a great deal of respect for my father. I have told my girls (one in a serious relationship now) that no matter how turned on they are by a guy when they are thinking marriage they need to be sure that this guy could be mature enough to put the welfare of his kids above his own needs and that when you pick a husband you are picking your kids' father. How hot he is to you will pale in comparison to how he treats the people you love most in the world (your kids) in importance. Luckily I chose the right one many moons ago. All that to say I don't know what you personally should do but this kid is going to become an adult and then judge her parents and their actions on an adult level one day so the mother should try to keep that in mind. And it would help if the father did, but that's another story. It's amazing how men will suddenly say their ex-wives are horrible mothers but their mothering never seemed to bother them while they were with them.

[Southpaw Bookworm]

11. May I ask

What sort of relationship you have with your father now? I'm curious as to how his behavior affected you.

[H2O Man]

7. You are making an error in judgement:

When you say the ex is not physically threatening, you are making an error in judgement. I worked for decades as a psychiatric social worker, including years of forensics, much of it involving family violence. The key things is boundries. This person, as described, has no boundries. His physically being at your door is intended to convey what message? And it comes in what type of language?

You have to be able to read situations. The relationship between your friend and the ex-spouse obviously was co-battering. It isn't important for you to decide who is right or wrong in the past. But the ex was clearly in the wrong here.

The behavoirs that you take in response will serve as a model to the young person in question. You can't avoid that. So you'll either be a good role model, and respond to the situation correctly, or you'll reinforce the parents' unhealthy behaviors.

Call the police. File a complaint and follow through.

[Name removed]

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[MrSandman]

8. DVP, TRO, Whatever your state calls it,

Call PD, Local Domestic Violence shelter...as a former intimate partner a restraining order should be automatic, and permanent with your testimony.

[Robb]

9. Thanks everyone

I've gotten her mobilized, courthouse this morning. Hopefully I can be useful.

[MrSandman]

13. Good to hear...

Stay safe

[Blue-Jay]

10. I'd have beat his ass.

I can't imagine answering the door and having some nutbar start screaming invectives at me and/or my guest. An ass-kicking would prevent it from happening at MY house again.

But yeah, everyone else here is correct. She needs to get a restraining order and have the psycho locked up if he continues his bad behaviour.

[Robb]

12. I showed remarkable restraint

...what with the daughter there and all. "Hey, meet my dogs" to her and what-have-you.

Apparently there's already a RO in effect that he's violating by even speaking to her, so with any luck when she meets with the judge this morning there'll be some positive action.

[Robb]

14. Minor update

TRO still in effect, PRO originally denied by judge is being reconsidered this afternoon, what with my input and all.

She's also going to talk with the judge in private for a bit (love small towns) about her daughter and other stuff. It's hard to imagine, but I feel like I helped!

...Still lockin' the doors, tho'. That part ain't fun, but should also pass.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

15. What's TRO/PRO? (nt)

[sherrem]

16. re:

TRO=temporary restaining order
PRO=permanent restraining order

PRO's are generally a lot harder to get. Usually its assumed the TRO will do the job and the person will get the hint.

Just a personal story here real quick...he may not be violent now, but that doesn't mean he won't be in the future. I had a friend just this past Monday who was attacked by his ex-girlfriend. He had a restraining order on her, but she's been stalking him relentlessly. Finally she showed up at his house, and he thought he'd let her in long enough to discuss the situation, and ask her to please just get on with her life, etc. He left the apartment in an ambulance. He was stabbed twice in the chest and lost one finger defending himself against her attacks. Another finger was reattached, but the surgeon was not sure it would take, so he may be losing the other finger. I just thank God he's still alive.

Your friend NEEDS to call the police any time her husband is breaking the order. You never know when one of these people is gonna go psycho on someone.

[Love Bug]

17. Temporary Restraining Order/Permanent Restraining Order

eom

[BiggJawn]

18. My ex used to drive past my place with my "replacement"...

One day, she cruised down the alley with her girlfriend while me and my daughter were moving some bricks.

Ever see the "Krazy Kat" cartoons? That kid of mine had a hell of an arm for a 15-y-o....

We got bounced 4 off the trunk and top and she never came back.