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NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of
the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and
other territories. Except Utah, which she does not
fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony
Blair, MP for the 98.85% of you who have until now
been unaware that there is a world outside your borders)
will appoint a minister for America without the need
for further elections. Congress and the Senate will
be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next
year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check
the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just
how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally,
you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven
words interspersed with filler noises such as "like"
and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We
will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the British
and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to
cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national
anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully
carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football".
There is only one kind of football. What you refer to
as American "football" is not a very good game. The
2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world
outside your borders may have noticed that no one else
plays "American" football. You will no longer be
allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
football. Initially, it would be best if you played
with the girls. Itis a difficult game. Those of you
brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are
hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side
by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France,
using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The
98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world
outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is
French for "shit".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday.
November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only
in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are
crap and it is for your own good. When we show you
German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been
driving us crazy.
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