The Lord of the West Wing

[Dark]

(Enjoy this, my fellow liberals. I think you'll like it. It's, needless to say, a satire of LOTR and *.)

"What!?" Co-president Dick Cheney exclaimed, breaking the previously serene atmosphere that had dominated the Oval Office. Fuming, he had rocketed out of the chair normally reserved for Bush.

"Someone stole the presidency from us. We had it guarded 24/7, but someone still managed to steal it," Ashcroft solemnly spoke. "It was probably some homos wanting to ransom it back for equal rights or some other bull crap thing. Let's invade San Francisco and get it back!"

"Maybe later. Condoleezza," Cheney slyly shifted his glance to Ms. Rice, calmly sitting on the beige couch, "what should we do?"

"I don't know," Rice flatly stated, crossing her arms.

"What do you mean you don't know!? Say something! Someone stole the presidency!" Cheney, his face
scarlet with rage, demanded.

"What goes around comes around," She half-heartedly spoke, shrugging her shoulders.

"Damn it! This wouldn't have happened if I were president," Cheney bellowed, slamming his fist down on the desk.

"I thought you said that you'd be president by now?" Ashcroft said, a dazed expression dominating his face.

"I thought that Bush would have had alcohol poisoning by now," Cheney looked down at the desk, frowning.

"Listen, if we start now we can invade San Francisco by dinner. Besides, they're just a bunch of sissies anyways. Heck, the only city easier to conquer than San Fran is 'gay' Paris. Speaking of which, we recently stationed some battalions on the French border. Just give the order and-"

"No! No more invasions!" Cheney yelled, cutting off Ashcroft's rant.

"Why not? You let Rumsfeld attack Iraq," Ashcroft, a saddened expression on his face, said.

"Look at how he handled it!” Condoleezza hissed, a sinister condemnation saturating her words,
“Besides, there are only so many Weapons of Mass Destruction to go around. The LAPD can't plant them on everybody, dumb-ass."

"Hey, I'm not a Democrat! And at least I have a real position in the Government!" Ashcroft snapped.

"Don't you have some minorities to persecute? A pogrom to run or something? Maybe a flaming cross to erect?" Condoleezza spat back.

"No, it's been moved to Saturday," Ashcroft responded with a scary amount of sincerity.

"Enough! Perhaps this could work to my, I mean our advantage. With the presidency up for grabs, we could quickly seize it before the Commander in Chimp gets it, then I could finally take the presidency for myself," Cheney's eyes opened madly as a dark grin erupted onto his face.

"Do you think that you can manage to steal the presidency again?" Ashcroft, stunned, inquired.

The dark smile grew as Cheney explained his plan, "Sure, I'll just have Halliburton buy 30 seconds of air time on Nickelodeon and have Janet Jackson strip. That’ll distract them for weeks. Go get Dubya, I need a word."

* * *
"It's stolen it is!" cried the incompeten . . . er, I mean incumbent Bush, "They's stole it, they's did! My home, my own, my . . . presidency!"

"Yes they did," Cheney spoke, slurring his syllables with a pathetic attempt at a baby voice," and we need to get it back for our president-wesident, yes we do! But to do it, we need you to sign this itty-witty piece of paper. Okely-Dokely?"

"What does it do?" Bush asked.

"What, can't you read? Oh, right . . . " Cheney looked away, slightly embarrassed, before continuing in his scathing baby talk, "well, it just removes some of those annoying 'inalienable' rights. And you don't like those aliens, do you? No, you don't," Bush frowned at this statement, sheepishly shaking his head, “so you need to sign this and stop those nasty aliens."
"But I don't mind those aliens. In fact, they should receive citizenship for breaking our laws!" Bush excitedly said.

"Damn it! Do something, Condoleezza!" Cheney fumed.

"Here, this worked for a friend of mine," Rice said as she whipped out a Bud Light, popping it open, "there you go, Bushy-wushy, drink this," Rice said, handing it to Dubya and letting him take a sip.

"Ewww! This tastes nasty!" George said, spitting it out the vile liquid.

"Oh, but it's Jesus Juice. It'll make you grow up and be as well liked as Jesus!" Condoleezza said.

"Really!" and with that, Dubya put back a twelve-pack of "Jesus Juice".

"Condoleezza! That's enough! We'll be lucky if he can remember the alphabet, let alone use it!" Cheney roared.

"Relax, he's done way more before. You should have seen him once he finally 'won' the election! Dear god we thought we were going to have to call the paramedics when he started making out with a picture of Thomas Jefferson! Besides, people would be suspicious if he could actually write his signature," she said.

"Fine! Just get him to sign it!" Cheney yelled before storming out of Dubya's playpen.