Can you be happy being alone and not desiring for a relationship?

[ringmastery]

I'm just curious how many people here are perfectly happy being alone and single, and not caring if they ever have another relationship?

Are you a loner and just not a social type of person who prefers to be alone? Or did past relationships burn you? Or your life is too busy with other things to have time for or care for a relationship?

[LastKnight]

1. if i had the choice, thats the way id go...

and i was doin ok at it for awhile... then (not by choice, mind you, it just happens like that, it seems... infact i was really kinda unwilling at first lol) i ended up falling in love, and now, im stuck without a relationship wanting not just any, but a specific relationship. any questions... see my other ambigious 'love sucks' thread.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=105&topic_id=1185903&mesg_id=1185903

-LK

[HEyHEY]

2. Well, it's like this

I'm so used to being alone..I doubt I could handle the restraints of a relationship. And I'm happy. But yeah, I'd like someone now and then.

[zelda7743]

3. Happy single

Unless there's a cane spider in the house....then I'm not quite the cute independent girl that I pride myself on being. :)

[SarahB]

4. Troubled relationships are worse than being alone

If I were ever alone again, I'd have to probably be alone a long time anyway, given the fact that few men can live up to my "goody-goody", "better than thou" standards.

[neebob]

5. Yes!

I'm pretty much a loner and yes, I've been burned by past relationships, but I didn't like them for other reasons besides the obvious ones like no sex or having the giant hookworm of death attached to me or whatever. Mostly I enjoy being my own boss and doing what I want to do, when I want to do it, and not bearing the weight of someone else's expectations. It's my dad's fault.

[mhr]

6. Sure - It Gets Much Easier As You Get Older - Social Pressure Declines

eom

[Sapphocrat]

7. The ability to be perfectly happy being alone and single...

...is an absolute prerequisite for a successful, well-adjusted relationship.

[ngGale]

10. Being alone is a prerequisite for a successful....

relationship. Some say, he makes me happy. You can never be happy with anyone until you are happy with yourself. I've been married and have children, now I'm alone. You get to a place you can't share the remote control, you can go to bed and just read a good book. You can go and come as you please. It was fun just learning to be ME all by MYSELF.

[Sapphocrat]

11. Exactly.

You can never be happy with anyone until you are happy with yourself.

The secret (which seldom becomes apparent until one is forced to learn to enjoy one's own company) is that a good relationship is one in which two people complement one another, rather than supplement what's not there.

When I hear the declaration, "You complete me" on TV, in a movie, etc., it doesn't sound romantic to me -- it sounds needy and desperate.

The best possible sentiment I could ever express to my partner is "I need you because I love you" -- and not "I love you because I need you."

[SarahB]

17. Sometimes it's not equal

You have one person who is comfortable with herself (or himself) and the other who looks to the other to fulfill all their emotional needs. One person has tried to be healthy and functional about it all and the other isn't in that place to even understand what that means. Over time, you feel suffocated and can detach from the relationship. :(

[Scottie72]

21. Yes that is totally correct!!!

I continuallly ask that question of myself while in my relationship. I do know that if anything should ever happen with my relationship that I would be able to move on, and be content being single. Now I am not saying that if the relationship ended that it would be easy, nor am I saying that I wouldn't feel depressed or sad for a time being, I am just saying that I know I would be able to live my life. I lived my own life quite fine prior to my current relationship there is no reason why I couldn't live my life if it should end.

[Don_G]

8. Not Really

And I do miss not replacing the roll of toilet paper every two days when she's out of town.

[OneBlueSky]

9. describes me to a tee . . .

I've never had any desire whatsoever for a "relationship", and I've been immensely happy and content for many, many years . . . I have a small circle of close friends, a wide range of interests and skills, and a rich inner life . . . if I had it all to do over, I wouldn't change a thing . . . but that's just me . . . some people are meant to be in relationships, and others are meant to be free spirits and on their own . . . nothing wrong with either, as long as it your choice actualizes who you really are . . .

[huellewig]

12. I was happy without partner..

until my friends started pairing off.

And this is the conflict.

Since my BBQ buddies now hide indoors with their others I have been pushed to the side. Now I feel the need to join the club. Not because I want to be there, now I feel forced. Without them I'm alone. I feel I need female companionship to replace what I lost with my friends. I think this type of thinking is going to place me in a place I shouldn't be in. Shit, maybe it's time to be the old guy that the kids hang out with to get beer. Maybe I should join the ARMY?

[Senior citizen]

13. Sure, just figure that

the ones that are good probably have an STD and the ones that don't have an STD probably aren't any good. (Okay, I'm a cynic.)

[RebelOne]

14. Yes, definitely yes.

I have had too many relationships that I have not been happy in. So I prefer to be alone. Plus I just don't want to be bothered anymore.

[Loonman]

15. Sure!

It's the sex I miss.

[Guy_Montag]

16. Much prefer being in a relationship.

:cry:
oh well
:shrug:

[no_hypocrisy]

18. There's a difference between "being alone" and being "lonely".

When you're busy and satisfied with your life, you don't notice that "someone's missing" so to speak. You can always have friends visit you or you go out.

I treasure the quiet, serenity, and yes, order of my home life without having to compromise, etc.

There are times I wonder whether or not I can return to sharing space with anyone, even someone I loved. I've lived alone for 16+ years and I'm set in this lifestyle.

[LWolf]

19. Yes.

All of the above.

I am a loner; not particularly social. I'm not anti-social, but prefer small groups to large, and plenty of alone time. My youngest son, who still lives part-time with me, is also an introvert. We've lived mostly together in an 800 square foot cottage for 3 years, and have been known to go 3 or 4 days without ever speaking to one another. Not unfriendly, not uncaring; just focused on our own issues. No offense intended or taken; when one of us comes up for air we get together to talk and play.

I've been married twice; once for ten years, age 17-27. Once for 11 years, age 30 - 41. The second marriage was to my best friend. I lost my best friend along with the marriage. In the last few years, he was gone for a couple of months at a time on civilian deployment. I found I liked the freedom of being alone. I used to think that, if something ever happened to him, I would be happy being a hermit or a recluse. I didn't contemplate singlehood; I did love him. But sharing life and space with him was a compromise, because I loved him. Not because I needed that sharing to be happy or complete.

When the marriage ended, I grieved, and still grieve, for the loss of my lover and my friend. But I have no desire to share my life with anyone else. I thrive on having my space and my life to myself.

I was also burned badly enough to not ever want to make myself that vulnerable again. I have lost trust in the idea that anyone would actually value who I am, rather than the role they need me to play in their lives. Since I value who I am, I'm not sharing.

And, my life is busier than I want it to be, with little time left for socializing. Way too much work, I can't keep up with the mundane every-day chores of life, and I have other things that use up whatever time is left. I guess if I found some guy who was confident enough in himself not to need me to mother him or stroke his ego, wanted to spend his free time with horses, garden, and books, and could be trusted to value me, I'd at least "date," but I'm not holding my breath. Nobody in his right mind would put up with me, lol.

[LynneSin]

20. I prefer NOT being in a relationship

I get in relationships and I become a miserable grump.

[supernova]

22. Yes you can and I do

live alone and am happy being alone. I was with my ex for 10 years total. We were married for nine of those years. I was climbing the walls to get out;

Something that LWolf said resonated with me deeply:

I was also burned badly enough to not ever want to make myself that vulnerable again. I have lost trust in the idea that anyone would actually value who I am, rather than the role they need me to play in their lives. Since I value who I am, I'm not sharing.

.... I guess if I found some guy who was confident enough in himself not to need me to mother him or stroke his ego, wanted to spend his free time with horses, garden, and books, and could be trusted to value me, I'd at least "date," but I'm not holding my breath.

Boy does that bolded sentence really hit home! :cry: Thanks, LWolf for articulating somthing that seldom gets said. I too have felt the weight of men's expectations, usually in the "mommy me" variety, and not a genuine desire to really know and appreciate who I am. I can be deeply caring and empathetic to those I feel close to, but I don't want to be a mother to another adult. That's not genuine romantic love in my book. And oddly, I seem to attract just that type of guy. :shrug:

So for now, while I do occasionally date, I do prefer to be single.
And yes, you need to be able to be comfortable with your own self before you are comfortable in a relationship.

edit: code

[SarahB]

32. Hits home here too.

Still amidst in the muck of it all as well. Sadly enough, we were well matched at one point very well. Then I became a grown woman and worked through my own issues and his old demons resurfaced.
He is trying now to improve many things for me, so I suppose all hope is not lost yet. Children often change the landscape of things when you otherwise might make different choices. :(

[johnnie]

23. Yes

I have been single for a long time. Once and a while I get the urge to seek a relationship, but then I have a conversation with friends or I hear about someone else's misery and my hankerin' for female companionship takes a dive.
My last real relationship was 10 years ago and when it ended it was terrible for a while. Then I got used to the simple things that I used to take for granted. Having the whole bed to yourself instead of some cold feet kicking you all night, coming home from work and kicking your shoes off and across the floor and picking them up when you want to, hot water in the shower when you want to take a shower and other small conveniences of life that are taken away when you decide to live with someone.
I have had a few small relationships since then, but they quickly turn to a pain in the ass and I start to miss my freedom. I am completely content being by myself and enjoying life on my own schedule.
I will say that I have nothing against relationships, and I keep an open mind. But as what is posted above me, being happy with yourself is still the first step in being able to have a strong and secure relationship.

[Butterflies]

24. Single girl here, and mostly happy about it

It's nice being the boss - I think that constant compromising is annoying! I don't have to clean my house unless I want to, I can sleep as late as I want on the weekends, I don't have to wear makeup or brush my hair while I'm at home, and I really love going home from work everyday. My home is my refuge. My last live-in relationship was the opposite of that - I got to hate going home because he was so controlling, and he was always analyzing me (and of course I came up short.) So yes, I guess a lot of my preference for singlehood is because of being burned by past relationships (I've also been involved with liars and cheaters, no thanks!)

A bad thing about it is that I don't have a safety net, so if I lose my job I'll also lose my house and my life will be in freefall until I get another job (I have no savings.) That part is scary.

[bearfan454]

25. I was alone for 12 years after I divorced the 1st Mrs bearfan

I dated and I was kind of a whore, well not kind of, I was. I am older now and enjoy companionship with the current Mrs bearfan, private time with her, our granddaughter over here all the time, and doing fun family things. We like to pretend our granddaughter is our baby. Your values change as you get older and wiser.

[tjwash]

26. Was happy being single, and am happy being married...

...I guess I am just a happy guy.:hi:

[Ganja Ninja]

27. It all depends on the person.

I've lived alone since the mid seventies but I have a friend that has been divorced 3 times and he can't go more than a couple of months without some sort of live-in relationship. Some of the women he's picked I wouldn't be able to spend an evening at a restaurant with.

[RFKHumphreyObama]

28. You can but I'm not

Having said that, I know several people who are single and have no desire to be entangled in a relationship. They love their independent lifestyle and not having to make any concessions or compromises for anyone. I respect and admire their lifestyle choices but I do want someone in my life

[Lydia Leftcoast]

29. I'm usually happy alone, BUT...

that all changes when I find myself attracted to someone, and given the demographics in my age group, almost all the men I meet I either married or gay, i.e. unattainable.

Then I absolutely hate being alone for a while until the crush subsides.

Right now I'm in that unpleasant stage.

[sundog]

30. some kind of wonderful...

john hughes 1987

"i'd rather be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong ones..."

[sus]

31. I am. I love living alone.

I don't like "entanglements."

[devilgrrl]

33. I'm fine with being single and unattached...

I can't be bothered with relationships. I've always been a loner, I do enjoy socializing but prefer my time alone. My passed relationships - if that's what you want to call them - were always disasters. So there came a point where I said "Enough!" and gave up on the thought. I'm not missing anything.

[TEXASYANKEE]

34. Yes.

I'm 40-something and have lived alone, except for one year (when I lived with a boyfriend), for my entire adult life. I think I'm meant to live alone. Am I satisfied? I have several hobbies and a large group of interesting friends. I would like to have more of a sex life. But do I want to live with anyone? No, I don't think so. I'm quite happy living alone.

[Misunderestimator]

35. I don't like being alone.

Though I've had plenty of relationships that were much tougher than being single. I need the challenge of another person. I've had periods of being alone, and I'm quite content with myself.... but my choice is to be with a partner.