Crusader Bush's "Cable News Only" Press Conference: A Preview

[Bush_Eats_Beef]

In addition to "stay the course," "Iraqis love their freedom and we won't stop until we give it to them," "I am disgusted by the prison photos," "The nation owes a great debt to Donald Rumsfeld," and "This is proof that we need to extend the Patriot Act NOW," the following talking points are rumored to be on President Bush's "short list" for tonight's Cable News Only Extravaganza, "Bush Gone Wild...Bringin' It All Back Home."

1). Red wine with beef, white wine with fish, and a big ol' mound of coke with a hooker.

2). If you burp, cough, sneeze, hiccup and fart at the same time, you will die.

3). You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's noses.

4). I've got friends in low places, where the whiskey runs and the beer chases my blues away.

5). You're never too old to play dress-up.

6). Never walk under a ladder, and NEVER stand under a fucking banner. TRUST ME.

7). When you're president, you can leave the seat up after you take a whiz, and have anyone who objects "taken out."

8). When something breaks, fucks up, kills someone, or costs too much, two words: "Clinton's Penis."

9). When something goes right, even if it's an accident and I had nothing to do with it, five words: "My tax cuts in action."

10). Dick Cheney may be running the country, but I don't see the word "Vice" anywhere on MY business cards.