Did you/would you change your name when you got/get married?

[flowomo]

Back in the 60's this was a litmus test of one's "feminist" credentials... not to change your last name if you were a woman, and not to ask/expect/insist on it if you were the guy. Or to even hyphenate the two. How did/would current DU'ers handle this now? Where does it stand generally? What do gay couples do? And what did/would you do with the kids names? For me, both my first wife and present wife kept their names. No kids the first time. Two kids from second marriage got my name.

[FarmerOak]

1. My ex-wife came out as a lesbian,

and she and her partner picked an entirely new name.

[flowomo]

2. they made one up?

[FarmerOak]

3. Well, yes and no.

It's a famous name from literature, but it has nothing to do with either of their original surnames, so I suppose you would say they made it up.

[flowomo]

5. lemme guess....

Sand? Cather?

[FarmerOak]

6. Actually, no...

... it's not a feminist name at all. In fact, it's rather phallic... but I've never had the guts to tell them that.

And don't ask, because I'm not telling. :D

[flowomo]

7. My god, they changed their name to MobyDick?

[FarmerOak]

10. LMAO!

[Eye and Monkey]

12. Do Anroids Dream of Electric Sheep?

[FarmerOak]

15. Nope.

And that ain't literature... yet. ;)

[Eye and Monkey]

18. You mean that you are an android, you don't dream of electric sheep?

[FarmerOak]

19. No,

I mean that ain't the name...and I really can't answer any more of these, because someone will guess it soon, and I don't want to be in the position of having to lie... they aren't here, and their anonymity is their business. :D

[MaryBear]

39. good for you, farmeroak!

[LWolf]

4. I changed my name twice.

Once for each failed marriage. So I grew up with my father's name; a man I met a few times, who I had no connection with. Then 10 years married to a man, and two kids who carry that name. After a few years of being single, 12 years married to another man, and now three years single again, I'm still carrying the last married name. I'd change it, but I don't have any strong connection to my maiden name, either. I've sometimes thought of just picking a name; any name that I didn't get from someone else, and letting it be mine.

[SharonAnn]

8. I kept my maiden name. Being established in my profession, I

used the excuse I didn't want to go through all the explanations with my clients and peers.

Also, I just didn't want to change my name. I'm not my husband's property.

Funny, some of my friends who were so aghast that I didn't "love" my husband enough to change my name have been divorced for years, some more than once. My husband and I are still married.

[SarahB]

9. I did

I was married quite young and I talked about this with my husband and he didn't quite get it as even perhaps being an issue and I think it would have bothered him if I didn't (nope, I wasn't very strong then), so little was said really.
I'd keep it if I were to divorce (because of children), but I might hyphenate. If I actually remarried, I don't know. I'd probably wouldn't even mind taking another name. I don't have strong ties to my maiden name and wouldn't want to keep an old married name at that point.

[Lisa0825]

11. I changed my name when I got married, and

when my ex left me, the first thing I wanted was my name back. I will NEVER give up my name again. If I ever get married again, I might combine our names, but my name will never be replaced again.

[Blue-Jay]

13. A couple I knew in Illinois picked a new name too.

It was mostly because the pants-wearer (Cathy), didn't want to change her last name to "Fish". Also, she wasn't thrilled about her maiden name.

They decided on "Dragon" as a last name. Yeah, they're both gamers.

[unblock]

14. i changed my name -- and i'm male!

yup, changed my name for my first marriage. my first wife and i "merged" our last names -- no hyphens. fortuitously, my name is a germanic prefix and her name was a germanic suffix, so just putting them together seemed natural. no one thought it was a made up name until we explained it to them.

when i got divorced, i changed my name back. my ex kept her married name.

when i got remarried, mrs. unblock was very eager to take my name. she hated her father (with very good reason) and was thrilled to get rid of his name. so the conversation about hyphenating, or doing anything other than the traditional, wife-takes-man's-name thing was very brief.

so having changed my name twice, all i can say is that it's a f*cking pain in the *ss, mainly because the social security administration takes years, and i mean YEARS, to figure it all out.

[Unperson 309]

16. My Grandfather Did

When he immigrated. The family name was 0'9457556 but he "Americanized" it and shortened it to just 0'9. My dad dropped the apostrophe because it lookerd "too ethnic". We have relatives in the Old Country who still use 0'9457556.

3? That's actually short for 471, which my little sister couldn't pronounce when she was young. Her mispronunciation "311" stuck and I'm too old to change now.

309

[Penndems]

17. I changed my name when I got married

It was nice to have a last name people could spell AND pronounce. ;)

[Rabrrrrrr]

20. I would never ask my wife to change her name to mine

It's so, i don't know, old school and funny.

We plan to go hyphenated, taking each other's names, probably with her name first since that sounds better.

If we had children, their "official" last name would depend on the country they were born in and where we wanted them to have citizenship, but my preference would be to give them the hyphenated name. And let their grandchildren worry about what to do with a now-eight-hyphenated-name monstrosity. :-)

[AlFrankenFan]

21. Well

I'm changing my last name to something other than my awful dad's last name when I go to college. If I ever decide to get married, I will not change my last name, maybe have a Rodham-Clinton type thing, but that's iffy.

[SheilaT]

22. I did not change my name when I got married.

For one thing, I was thirty-two years old, five years older than my husband, and I just plain like my last name. It's more distinctive than his, which is fairly common. Most people out there with my last name are related to me, and I don't want to lose that connection. I used to work in a public contact job and twice (although this was before I was married anyway) distant relatives (to simplify things) were able to identify themselves by noticing the last name on my nametag.

We have two sons, and they each have four names: Firstname middlename mylastname theirfather'slastname. Not hyphenated.

I find it interesting that the women who are the most scornful of my not changing my name are invariably ones who have been married three or four times and haughtily say they would never even consider not changing their name. Someday I'm going to say something really rude to one of them about I guess the only way you can tell you're married for the short duration your marriages last is to change your name.

I've been married 24 years come October.

[Donkeyboy75]

23. A friend of mine in grad school changed HIS name after getting married

He's a very liberal dude, and liked her name better than his, so he changed it. :smoke:

[NMDemDist2]

24. strange history with me

married 3 times (19, 29 & 39--see a pattern?)

anyway keep my maiden name for first 2 marriages (it's my name, been my name all my life so f#ck you)

the 3rd marriage i changed it as soon as i could get the paper work thru, my legal name now i use my maiden name as middle name (i still have 2 credit accounts in maiden name "just in case")

now after 10 years, married name just "is" no thoughts about it i answer to Mrs G___ just fine

no kids at all in any of the marriages so that wasn't an issue

while writing this it occurs to me what when i married this one i "knew" it would stick, so didn't fuss, just did the change.

FYI hubby didn't have an opinion at all, told me to do whatever made me the most comfortable (but i could tell he was surprised and pleased when i choose to take his name)

[starroute]

25. I always thought my maiden name was ugly

And my husband's was far cooler and sounded better with my first name.

Changing my name felt like assuming a new identity -- not being subordinated to my husband's identity, but taking on a more interesting identity of my own.

I think everyone would benefit by changing their name from time to time as they go through various life stages. Unfortunately, marriage (or becoming a movie star) is the only excuse our society normally offers people for doing it.

[fudge stripe cookays]

47. Neat viewpoint!

I changed mine, thinking...going from the most common 1 syllable surname to another 1 syllable name was going to be a cinch.

People used to just mispronounce my first name. Now they mispronounce my last name too! Rrrrrrrrrr......

[clyrc]

26. I never even thought of keeping my own name

until after I got married, and then it was so stange having a new name I wanted my old one back. If I had it to do over, I would keep my first last name. Nothing against my husband, but I like my old last name better.

[flamingyouth]

27. No, I kept my name n/t

[bubblesby2002]

28. I kept my name

My dad died just before we married and both my sisters had changed their names. So I wanted to honour my dad and keep the family name. If I ever married again - I'd keep my name again.

[politicat]

29. Nope. Kept my name, AND kept my title.

He's Mr. Sick Kitty, I'm Miss Politi Cat.

I don't like the way Ms. sounds - grew up around Navy bases and in the south, where Miz is the generic for every woman from 5 to 105, and I hated it. It always sounded lazy to me. Especially when coupled with the first name. I planned originally never to marry so it wouldn't be an issue, but I kept running up against the Ms. thing as a single woman, too.

So when the time came, I made sure I stayed a Miss.

I don't give a flying farck what people think; I don't care if they think it means single only. It's my title until I get my doctorate, and that's it. Then we can talk about being Mr and Dr. We already have a bit of that problem, since Mr. Sick Kitty's first name is rather androgynous.

Cheers,
Pcat

[VOX]

30. My wife kept her birth name, which I thought was great.

She has a strong attachment to her name, both personally and professionally, so I entertained no expectation that she should assume my name.

Our surnames are too long to hypenate, so we just went with what we had. And it's fine.

[Lasira]

31. picked an entirely new name

I neither wanted to keep my jerk of a dad's last name nor take his "that's gotta be an alias" last name. He was getting sick of explaining that no, his name really WAS John Smith, so we decided we'd both change. Somewhat luckily, after we decided this and before we told his ultra-traditional parents, he had a small bout with identity theft that made them more understanding of the change.

[dryan]

32. No one spelled or pronounced my maiden name right

When I got married the first time, I had the same problem. When I remarried I was happy to finally have a surname that was simple and couldn't be misspelled or misprounced.

[curse10]

33. I'm keeping my last name

if we have children they can have dad's name

[July]

34. Kept my name, BUT

I have a "whatever floats your boat" attitude about the issue.

For me, my name was my identity, and I didn't like the idea that only women were expected to change their names in marriage. I don't particularly like my last name, but it is what it is. My husband had no interest in my changing my name to his (married 21 yrs.).

I have friends who changed because their husbands wanted them to, because they wanted to, because they hated their surnames. I have friends who didn't change, hyphenated, changed and then divorced and went back to the old name, changed and then divorced and kept the married name, etc.

The only issue I have over the name question is that I have been sneered at by a few women. Men usually ask questions, but some women act as if I'm some kind of nut. I posted a while back about this, and about some people's insistence on calling me Mrs. Hubby even when they know damn well what my name is. That's just rude. I call people what they prefer to be called, and would like the same courtesy.

I'm not crazy about Ms., but I like it better than Mrs. (for myself). I try not to use an honorific for myself if I can avoid it. With others, I use Ms. if I don't know what title a woman likes, and I use her choice if I do.

My kids are hyphenated. It hasn't been a problem.

[Bertha Venation]

35. I will after a specific time:

After Mrs. V.'s parents are both gone, pray God not for a very long time, I will change my name to hers. Her folks accept both of us, but we think my taking her name as my married name might be a bit too much for them. I respect them and don't want to hurt them.

But after they're gone, Mrs. V. and I will share a name. :bounce:

[seaglass]

36. I kept my name though I never really liked it that much. I told my

husband before he even asked me to marry him that I would never change my name. It's hard to explain why, other than I never really liked the idea that I would disappear if I got married, it felt more like being second than equal. I got married in the late 80s.

My kids have my husband's last name. It wasn't something I challenged at the time and I still don't have an issue with it.

[scarlet_owl]

37. I changed my name to his.

I grew up all my life with a hyphenated last name. It's a relief to have just one now.

[dawn]

38. I kept my maiden name.

We don't plan on having any kids. I never wanted to get rid of my name.

[pagerbear]

40. I'll think about that when I have the right to marry

...and someone to marry.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

41. If I ever got married...

I have a lot of very traditional relatives who would refer to me as "Lydia Hisname" whether I liked it or not. Even when writing Christmas cards to couples that have retained separate names, my mother always addresses it to "Mr. and Mrs. Hisname." I think she sees it as a private act of rebellion. :-)

I have established a professional presence under my maiden name, so I would probably keep it for those purposes. On the other hand, some of the women in the field do change their names when they get married, so who knoews?

This is all hypothetical, and who knows what I would do if actually faced with the question. :shrug:

[MissMillie]

42. I was single when I had my son

And I always thought that I would keep my own name so that someone else in his home would have the same last name as he.

Of course, I haven't been married yet, but at this point I think it would be silly to change my name even if I did. It's actually more work to change your name than it is to leave it the same.

[MaryBear]

43. Networking is the reason

to keep a name. People who change names can lose their network in that they can't easily be found. Thus, "old girls networks" have often been less viable than "old boys networks."

[havocmom]

44. Changed it the first time, was young and maiden name always mutilated.

Decided to keep that name cuz was known by it professionally by the time the divorce came along and also cuz the ex wanted me to go back to the maiden name (for a nominal fee to the courts) plus, it pisses off the new Mrs. EX that I retain the name.

Hey, I really couldn't afford the nominal fee the court wanted to restore to me what was mine anyway....

I do think keeping one's name constant is important to women professionally. I know several who use their maiden names as public names but take husband's name in personal legal dealings. Seems to work.

[Jokerman]

45. I tried to talk my wife out of taking my name.

Hell, I don't even want my last name. We both came from pretty fucked-up disfunctional families so there's not a whole lotta pride in either of us for our last names.

I always think of the Simpson's episode where Bart & Lisa discuss what they'll change their names to when they grow up.

[VelmaD]

46. Absolutely not

I'm not particularly thrilled with having the name from my dad's side of the family either (even though I adore my dad). I don't like the implication that I'm his property any more than I would that I'm my husband's property. But the change has to start somewhere.

It's all pretty moot though given that I'm not gung ho on the idea of getting married in the first place.

[fudge stripe cookays]

48. Funny story about this subject....

My mom's maiden name was Rennscheidt (Ren' shite). She was miserable her whole life. She got called Ren'shit, Rein-schnott, you name it!

My dad was a Smith. 'Nuff said? Sometimes I wonder if my mom fell in love with my dad, or with his last name.

She told me that in her late teens, she dated a guy whose last name was "Steinke," but she just couldn't make herself care for him-- she said she could just see herself going from Ren-shit to Stinky!

FSC

[davsand]

49. I took a new MIDDLE name when I got married.

In our circle, several women didn't take the husband's name--so I wasn't terribly worried about any social pressure to change names. Hubby said he was cool with it if I didn't change my name, but I kind of wanted to.

My dilemma was that I'd been Davis for SO long that professionally that was how I was known. Plus, I hated to part with my birth name.

I didn't want to hyphenate--I've seen too many times that it gets mis-filed or screwed up somehow--so I finally decided to drop my middle name and take Davis as a middle name. That way, I still carried it.

NOW you all see where my monniker "davsand" came from!

BTW, When we had a baby later, we'd decided that the baby if it was a boy, he was gonna be Owen (his Mom's maiden name and hubby's middle name) Davis (my old maiden name) Sand----. (We ended up having a girl, however, and her middle name is Elena--just cause I think it is such a pretty name! :)


Laura

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

50. I'm getting married Tomorrow - she's hyphenating her name. Her choice

It's going to be Thornton-Bryant. Kind of anglo, eh?

[amazona]

52. hyphens a lifetime of hassle

One of my friends has an apostrophe in his name, and that's even worse! Oh well, I suppose most names aren't spelled right on most paperwork anyway or so it seems sometimes.

[amazona]

51. didn't change my name

It may be traditional but it's silly and a lot of paperwork -- almost no paperwork if you keep your own name. No kids but if there were what is wrong with girls get the mother's name, boys get the dads. Of course, if one spouse has a terrible unpronounceable or unspellable name and wants to change it anyway, fine.

[flowomo]

53. FASCINATING STORIES.... glad I asked; appreciate your telling

[AspenRose]

54. I changed mine to my husband's

but that may have had more to do with my REALLY wanting to get away from my family of origin name, for personal reasons.

[cally]

55. Kept my own name

I thought it was sexist that the woman is expected to change her name. I convinced my husband to change both of our names. He went home for a weekend and his brothers and parents hit the roof. We ended up both keeping our own names. His parents still write cards to me with my husband's name.

We gave our daughters my last name as a middle name and his last name. I get called his name by the school but everywhere else I'm known by my own name. I've never regretted my decision.

[rbnyc]

56. I kept my name...

...and our son will have both our names hyphenated. Now we just need a first name.

:)

[Parrcrow]

57. My fiance is going to change her name

I didn't ask. Its her decision.


When this tradition began, whichever spouse moved into the home of the other would adopt that surname. To go back to that tradition, I would be taking her name. Not at issue, but it is interesting.

[hunter]

58. My wife didn't change her name, I didn't change mine.

Our kids officially go by my last name, but only because it's a nuisance to do anything else. Friends and neighbors will call them either way, my family name or hers, "Those ----- kids!" depending which parent they believe worthy of praise or complaint. (If they are smart, they are usually her family's kids. If they are causing trouble, they are usually mine.)

[MaineDem]

59. Thirty years ago when I got married...

I changed my name to his. I later - years later - mentioned in a conversation with his mother that, if I had to do do over again, I would keep my own name. My MIL was outraged! Oh well.

I moved out of state when I got married and I've been back in Maine for 8 years now. Everyone who knew me before has no idea of my "new" name. I find I'm using my maiden name as a middle name now so there's some connection to my "old" life. Especially, politically. I was very active in politics as a single person and I'm meeting people now who knew me then and didn't have a clue I was the same person.

Make any sense??

In my next marriage, I'll keep my name thank you very much. :)