Need input on personal matter.

[DarkPhenyx]

My roomie is getting married in September. I'm moving out before then and getting my own house, finally, and have been happy for her. She's wanted to find someone for so long.

Last night her fiance said some fairly harsh things about me, via e-mail, and said that he can't wait till I am out of the picture he's only been tolerating me for her sake. He has not talked to her about any of this, of course, and she is definitely planning on keeping her best friend around. She is even talking about having weekends where we run of to do stuff while he watches football...that sort of thing.

My question is what do I do about this new info, or do I even do anything at all. One of my RT friends has already given me her input, which I will share here if it becomes relevant. I don't want to bias ya'll's input however.

HELP!

[BlondieK143]

1. If I were your roommate..

I would want to know. To at least have the information, even though it may not change one single thing. At least I would have that info because friendship is really important. Just my .02.

[WillParkinson]

2. Be prepared...

If you tell your roommate what was said or show her the e-mail then you might lose your friend, too. People get defensive when they care about someone.

That said, I think you owe it to yourself AND your roomie to put your cards on the table.

[Beer Snob-50]

3. I wouldn't do anything

unless HE initiates it. If you tell your friend what you heard he could easily deny he said it and make you seem like a b**tch who is trying to cause a problem for your roommate.

[DarkPhenyx]

12. I have his e-mails for backup.

And I'm honest enough to give her my replys as well.

[radwriter0555]

4. Stay as her friend. She'll need you when she dumps his butt in less than 2

years after she realizes what an ass he is.

I wouldn't say a word. She has to see it for herself, and if you tell her, she'll be convinced you're jealous.

Nod n smile.

[cosmik debris]

14. I second that.

He wants to drive a wedge between you two so that he will not have any competition. Don't help him drive that wedge. Ignore him until your roommate dumps him.

[qb]

5. Your roomie's fiance is a mean-spirited shit.

She deserves full disclosure before she makes it permanent.

[Guy_Montag]

6. If I were you...

I would keep quiet. If you say anything it will just rebound, some things are best swept under the carpet.

It's her life, she's getting married to this twat, if slowly you become less of a part of it, well that's the way the world works. I'm sorry if this is harsh, but it's the way I would deal with it.

He does sound like a complete dickhead though & if you can piss in his shampoo without anyone ever finding out...

[GOPisEvil]

7. He should address his issues with you himself.

Rather, he is choosing to be passive/aggressive about it. That leads me to believe he is one of those guys who believes that men and women can't be friends without wanting to sleep with each other. Or, he could be jealous of your closeness.

But, until HE brings the issue up, I would keep my mouth shut. If your friend brings it up, tell her that you'd prefer to deal with him, since it's HIS problem.

[Paradise]

8. depends on the 'result' you can handle.

if you wish to keep your friendship, just be your wonderful self, and she'll know, from him, soon enough.
if you wish to end your friendship, now, then tell her.
as for him, 'love your enemies, it'll kill 'em'.
just my opinion. only you can know for sure. :shrug:

[Misinformed01]

9. He sounds like he feels like his relationship is threatened

by your presence.

I don't know that much about you...but, unlesss you are a gay man, or a woman...the fact that she has made comments about "running off while he is watching football..." maybe he has a valid reason to feel insecure?

Stephanie

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

18. Maybe but I would be interested in whether or not there are any

female friends he is also doing this with as well. It's natural, if one is in a committed heterosexual relationship for the partner to be concerned about opposite sex friends the other partner has, but by the same token, one sign of abusers is that they attempt to isolate the person they intend to control from family and friends.

Soooo...if Dark Phenyx is the only person that this is directed toward, I would chalk it up to jealousy or concern...if this is directed to multiple people of different genders, it could be symptoms of a control freak manifesting.

[VelmaD]

23. Even if it is just jealousy or concern...

the fact that this guy isn't capable of dealing with the idea that men and women can be "just friends" would say something about his level of maturity (or lack thereof).

[Alpharetta]

10. danger

you could end up looking jealous of your girlfriend or afraid of losing her to marriage, etc.

I want to propose something.

I spent most of my life walking away from anyone I could tell I hadn't hit it off with. Now I take much greater joy in turning it around. It's amazing to have that happen.

True, some people I don't want to be friends with. I refuse to be even polite friends with racists, for example.

But it is a victory to have even the most disagreeable of people end up becoming positive relationships.

[VelmaD]

11. I sat up late thinking about this last night...

after we talked hoping I would have some fabulous advice for you. Unfortunately, I'm a Libra, and I can see the good and bad points that people have already brought up about telling her or not telling her.

The only thing swaying me toward "tell her" is my own personal experience with my guy best friend. For years I hated his wife and didn't say a word and she ended up breaking his heart just like I knew she would. And the same situation happened in reverse...he couldn't stand my ex and didn't say anything and eventually he was proved right 'cause my ex turned out to be a real shithead. We made a deal after that that we weren't gonna hold that kind of thing back from each other ever again. :) But that's just us and it was a mutual decision. Your situation is likely different and only you can judge the right thing to do for the two of you.

Know this, whatever you decide to do I will support you 100 percent. :hug: :)

[tigereye]

13. I always worry about relationships where

your best friends don't like them and vice-versa....

[DarkPhenyx]

15. Up to this point...

...I thought we were getting along fine. Part of the reason this has me a little off balance is that it caught me out of the blue.

[VelmaD]

16. Wow

I'm surprised he was able to hide that kind of resentment from you and her for so long. Kinda makes you wonder what other little surprises he's been hiding that are sure to work their way out over time.

[MissMillie]

17. Let it go

Enjoy whatever time you have w/ your friend, and under no circumstances should you ever make her feel like she has to choose between the two of you.

Be gracious to the b/f whenever you come into contact with him, and let him know that no matter what he thinks about you, you do truly care about the woman he is marrying.

[DarkPhenyx]

19. Time for my friends POV.

Her opinion is that he is a control freak. Attempting to drive me off is his first step to isolate her and keep her dependant on him. Personally I think she'll kick his ass if he trys that, but...:shrug: I probably should have mentioned that the roomie is also my best friend. We've been living together for seven years now.

I'm planning on talking to an ex-roomie who used to live with us and get her spin on it, and will probably talk to my Mom as well.

I appreciate everyone who took time to respond. :) I know this is off from the usual stuff we have here.

[VelmaD]

20. That's what we're all here for sweetie

I think talking to someone else who knows her is a good idea. So is talking to your mom...mom's usually know best on these things. :)

Given that she's managed to put up with you for all these years I bet she'd kick his ass too if he's really trying to isolate her and do the possessive thing. :)

[Lars39]

21. Yes, that's a red flag.

She needs to know. Good luck!

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

22. That confirms my suspicions above

ask her if he has done this with other friends or is doing it with her family members...if so, encourage them to do counseling BEFORE marriage...if he resists..then she is foolish to proceed with the marriage unless she likes suffering ( emotional or otherwise)

[DarkPhenyx]

25. *nodding*

I haven't talked to her about this yet, and figure I won't till she get back from NJ as I don't want this to spoil her first visit with her triplet Niece/Nephews. If I do at all that is.

[Book Lover]

24. When someone is so rude as this

by me the answer, still, is that you cannot be rude back. I would not disclose this info to your roommate - if this guy is open enough about his feelings that he let you know them, how hidden can they be from his fiancee? Give him the cold shoulder and keep on with your post-marriage plans with your roomie.

my 2c