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LastKnight Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu May-06-04 01:03 AM
Original message
one of my friends came out today
Edited on Thu May-06-04 01:05 AM by LastKnight
the second one in a year... still isnt any less of a shock.

im completely tollerant and understanding of it, we all bleed the same red, so its no big deal as far as i care. infact i support them in thier fight for equal rights ever since one of my other friends came out.

but like i said... its no less of a surprise. i espeically didnt expect it from her.

a few of the guys around us overheard and started making fun of her... i tried to defend her but i was still kinda taken aback by it. and for awhile there was a bit of an awkward silence.

i dont think of her any differently of her now...after ive kinda had a bit to think about it... but it bothers me that i should even need some time to assimilate that and put it in context...

does the fact that im surprised make me intollerant or a bad person?

sorry if this is kinda pointless but ive been turning it over in my mind awhile... how am i really supposed to respond to that without being awkward? im kinda worried i might have accidentally offended her by not knowing what to say...

-LK
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Taverner Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu May-06-04 01:03 AM
Response to Original message
1. came out of what?
Just kidding - tell her congrats!
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murielm99 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu May-06-04 01:14 AM
Response to Original message
2. You will be okay.
I can't imagine that gay people are surprised by the awkward and shocked reactions of friends and family.

I reacted that way when my daughter came out to me, even though I had suspected it for awhile.

Tell her that you are sorry if your reaction seemed strange. Tell her congrats, but you need time to get used to it. I think that would be okay.
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Rowdyboy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu May-06-04 01:15 AM
Response to Original message
3. Does being surprised make you intolerant? Hell, no!
Tell her you love her and offer to talk anytime she needs to. Hug her and joke and your real friendship will finally begin.
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nofurylike Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu May-06-04 01:23 AM
Response to Original message
4. it's an honor and compliment to be so trusted.
good for your friend to have your friendship, and that you care this much.
and good for you to receive such confidence.


peace
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LastKnight Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu May-06-04 01:28 AM
Response to Original message
5. thanks for the replies
im probably overthinking this way too much... but i tend to do that... so i guess its just my own form of normal. lol.

-LK
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nofurylike Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu May-06-04 01:30 AM
Response to Reply #5
6. the world should "overthink" so much.
it's a conscience, and it's good.

:)


peace
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LastKnight Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu May-06-04 01:37 AM
Response to Reply #6
7. heh thanks nt
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nofurylike Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu May-06-04 01:46 AM
Response to Reply #7
8. :) n/t
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Endangered Specie Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu May-06-04 02:25 AM
Response to Original message
9. I had that happen not to long ago...
wasn't a suprise, he knew that I was a flaming liberal and I was 75% sure of it anyway.

Ive discovered that gay friends can be better than straight ones.
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Endangered Specie Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu May-06-04 02:27 AM
Response to Original message
10. There is nothing wrong with being suprised...
Gay people don't stand out like the stereotypes they are potrayed as, they are essentially just like the rest of us.
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RoyGBiv Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu May-06-04 03:19 AM
Response to Original message
11. Don't know if this will help any, but I've been in your position...
Whether we want to or not, we build these images of people close to us in our minds. That image is based on our interactions with them, what we know about them, how we perceive them, etc. When someone tells you something new, it changes that image you've built, and when it's something you don't expect, it can take awhile to work that new information into your image. It's not bad at all. It just means you're a thinking person.

I come to that conclusion based on personal experiences. Three of my closest friends from high school were gay, but they didn't start coming out until a couple years after we graduated. All three came out to me first, even before their families. I now consider that a very high compliment, but at the time, it felt strange, not bad, just, I dunno, odd.

One friend's confession was particularly troublesome because I had suspected he was gay long before he told me. At one point, while we were still in high school, I just flat out asked him. He denied it completely, but not in a "thinks he doth protest too much" sort of way, so I just accepted it. He wanted to know why I asked, and I told him it was just his manner. We were very close friends -- still are to this day, some 15 years later -- and it was just a vibe I picked up. It was hard for me to explain beyond that.

And then, three years later, he was visiting from where he was attending college, and he asked me, "You remember that question you asked me before?" Just like that. Well, I'd asked him thousands of questions, but the way he said it somehow popped that particular memory circuit. So, he told me. And, I shocked myself by getting angry. I never expressed my anger, but I did feel it.

I wasn't angry because of his being gay. I was angry because he had lied to me. I grew up with no siblings, and he was and is the closest thing to a brother I'll ever have. We'd shared, I thought, pretty much everything. I knew I'd told him my deepest, darkest secrets, and I was angry that he hadn't shared his, mostly because it left me feeling he didn't trust me.

I got over the anger quickly, and I felt bad about it afterward. Horrible, in fact. I even apologized to him later for it, even though he'd never really known. What he told me in response put it all in perspective for me. He said he'd been dealing with it since he was twelve years old. It had taken him a the better part of a decade to accept it himself, and it had taken another year before he'd worked up the courage to tell anyone, and the one person he chose then was someone he knew would accept it, even if it took a while. I had come to terms with it, gone through the full range of emotions and questions and doubts, in a few weeks. At the end of that, if I was still his friend, that's all that mattered.

And, that's all that does matter. The facts will work their way into your mind so completely at some point that it'll just be a part of you. And whatever you're dealing with is nothing compared to what your friend is or has been. Just give her a hug and tell her you love her, and it will all work out.

IMO.

Sorry for the length, but this hit a chord.
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ACK Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu May-06-04 09:57 AM
Response to Original message
12. Funny figuring out a friend is gay story
He was not in the closet.

He was not out of the closet.

It is just the discussion of sexual orientation had never come up.

Despite the propaganda most guys at work talk about well... work.
Common interests and work and such.

Ok, so he becomes the Director and invites all the help desk managers to go see a Braves game and to meet up at his apartment for a beer ahead of time.

I go in and immediately think ... wow! This place is so cool looking and well decorated.

The guy sharing his apartment was there and he seemed nice enough and all.

It did not hit me. Then I went to use the bathroom and I noticed there was only one bedroom and one bed.

Then it was like all clear to me. I was not taken aback as much as I felt like a dummy for stumbling across the realization the way I did.

I had no clue.

I do not pretend to even have any gaydar.

+
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Misunderestimator Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu May-06-04 10:25 AM
Response to Original message
13. Being awkward and shocked is quite normal
in a society that still condones gay discrimination. There are still many of us in the closet... many. (I haven't seen the inside of that closet in over 20 years myself.) And some of those not in the closet, just aren't as comfortable discussing their relationships at work or school the way straight people do.

So you end up with a lot of straight people never having met a gay person (or at least they think they have not). So knowing a gay person becomes something strange and bewildering.

Over the past 20 years I have seen things change a lot though. I used to expect and get a shocked reaction 90% of the time... now hardly anyone is ever shocked anymore.

And, no, you're not a bad person. I would have a talk with your friend though to make sure she didn't get offended. I'm sure she'll understand.
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