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Bertha Venation Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Apr-29-04 08:37 PM
Original message
tell the best kid joke you remember from when you were a kid
They may be lousy jokes to adults, but when we were kids they cracked us up.

Here's mine:

Why did the chicken cross the road halfway, then stop & turn around & go back?

Because Colonel Sanders was on the other side.

Your turn!
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greatauntoftriplets Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Apr-29-04 08:38 PM
Response to Original message
1. Knock knock.
Who's there?

Madame.

Madame who?

Ma damn car broke down.

That was from when I was VERY young.
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Dookus Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Apr-29-04 08:44 PM
Response to Original message
2. mine -
Q: What's black and white and black and white and black and white...?
A: A nun falling down the stairs

Q: What's black and white and laughs?
A: The nun that pushed her.
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Shananigans Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Apr-29-04 08:55 PM
Response to Reply #2
4. That is SO my joke!
Before I even read yours I was going to post this one! It's the only joke I remember from when I was younger!

Great minds think alike!
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Teddy_Salad Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Apr-29-04 08:47 PM
Response to Original message
3. Okay
Once upon a time there was an Irishman an Englishman and an Australian who decided to have a competition.

While on the top of a hill, each man had to throw his watch in the air, run down the hill and catch it before it hit the ground.

So the Irishman threw his watch in the air, ran down the hill and splat!... the watch hit the ground.
Then the Englishman chucked his watch in the air, ran down the hill and splat!... the watch hit the ground.
Next the Australian threw his watch in the air, ran down the hill, went to the pub and had a beer, went and did his grocery shopping, came back and caught his watch.

"How did you do that?" asked the Irishman.

"Easy", replies the Australian. "My watch is an hour slow."

BOOM! BOOM!



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Sticky Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Apr-29-04 09:02 PM
Response to Reply #3
8. Blast from the past....
Q. What did the big stove pipe say to the little stove pipe?
A. You're too young to smoke.

I was 5 and thought this joke was hysterical. Actually I'm smiling thinking about it right now. :-)
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Burma Jones Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Apr-29-04 08:57 PM
Response to Original message
5. A Lady goes shopping at a Drug Store for Aspirin
She gets on the Bus, but has forgotten her Aspirins. She starts Shouting, "MY ASPIRINS, MY ASPIRINS, MY ASPIRINS" to which the Bus Driver replies, "If your Ass burns Lady, stick it out the window."
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Name removed Donating Member (0 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Apr-29-04 08:59 PM
Response to Original message
6. Deleted message
Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.
 
Misunderestimator Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Apr-30-04 06:39 AM
Response to Reply #6
23. I'm so sorry I just read that n/t
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pnorman Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Apr-29-04 09:00 PM
Response to Original message
7. Knock knock!
Who's there?
Agah.
Agah who?
Agah fuggyerself!!

That one cracked me up as a kid, and it still brings a smile to my lips. (Like right now as I'm plinking away at this keyboard).

pnorman
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ornotna Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Apr-29-04 09:05 PM
Response to Original message
9. What do you get when you cross an elephant with peanut butter?
An elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth. :bounce:
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CO Liberal Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Apr-29-04 09:19 PM
Response to Original message
10. "Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"

"I Love You."

"I Love You Who?"

"So does Yogi Berra!"

(For those who don't remember, Yogi Berra used to do Yoo-Hoo commercials back in the '60s.)
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Caution Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Apr-29-04 09:40 PM
Response to Original message
11. my favorite
What's black and white and red and can't get through a revolving door?

A nun with a spear through her head.
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mkultra Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Apr-29-04 09:47 PM
Response to Original message
12. Why was six afraid of seven
because seven ate nine
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VelmaD Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Apr-30-04 10:40 AM
Response to Reply #12
34. What did 0 say to 8?
Nice belt. :)
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Mr. McD Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Apr-29-04 09:55 PM
Response to Original message
13. When is a door not a door?
When it is ajar. :)
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CO Liberal Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Apr-29-04 11:03 PM
Response to Reply #13
19. What's Purple and Goes "Slam-Slam-Slam-Slam"??
A four-door grape.

:-)
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Snow Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Apr-30-04 11:18 AM
Response to Reply #19
42. Ooooh, yes! Grape jokes! What's big and purple & hates Captain Ahab?
Moby Grape!

Ever notice, by the way, how little kids learn all the same silly riddles we learned 50 years ago as little kids? Very strange. Probably make somebody a good anthropology PhD dissertation.
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mitchum Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Apr-29-04 10:10 PM
Response to Original message
14. There was this guy named Johnny Fuckerfaster...
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BringEmOn Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Apr-30-04 10:26 AM
Response to Reply #14
28. Did he know Dr. Bennett?
First jokes I remember...of course, they were dirty..
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Gildor Inglorion Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Apr-29-04 10:35 PM
Response to Original message
15. How do you stop a stampeding elephant?
Cut his stampeder off!

I still think it's hilarious.
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Triple H Donating Member (714 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Apr-29-04 10:36 PM
Response to Original message
16. How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it! (dumb--throws tomatoes at self :evilgrin:)
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blondeatlast Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Apr-29-04 10:41 PM
Response to Original message
17. Got a great knock-knock joke!
You start...

:evilgrin:

Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?

So she could hide in the cherry tree!

As it happens, the Blondelet and I had dinner with Gramma and Auntie 2 tonight, and he was cracking us up with jokes (we're easy, I'll admit!). I taught him there two just tomight.
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Skittles Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Apr-29-04 10:46 PM
Response to Original message
18. If you tell me how many chickens I have in this bag
I'll give you both of them.

"Three".

NO FAIR, YOU LOOKED IN THE BAG.

I think it's an Aggie joke. :D
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Laszlo_Hollyfeld Donating Member (105 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Apr-29-04 11:06 PM
Response to Original message
20. Q. How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
A. Have him climb on a leaf and wait for autumn.

Q. How do you get an elephant INTO a tree?

A. Have him sit on an acorn and wait for spring.
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Bertha Venation Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Apr-30-04 06:21 AM
Response to Original message
21. kick
More! These (all but one anyway) are perfect for the thread, exactly what I was hoping for!
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Kookaburra Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Apr-30-04 06:29 AM
Response to Original message
22. What do you call a broken boomerang?
Stick.
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Bunny Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Apr-30-04 06:44 AM
Response to Original message
24. What's green and sings?
Elvis Parsley!

***snarf*** Gets me every time!
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BarbaRosa Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Apr-30-04 10:08 AM
Response to Original message
25. A joke and a poem from way back
Edited on Fri Apr-30-04 10:29 AM by BarbaRosa
What would you have if everyone bought a white car. A white carnation.

One bright day in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other. If you do not believe this lie is true, ask the blind man, he saw it too.

on edit: got a word wrong
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bmbmd Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Apr-30-04 10:17 AM
Response to Reply #25
26. How about a song?
I still catch myself singing "Walkin' down Canal street, knockin on every door".....
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SCDem Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Apr-30-04 10:23 AM
Response to Original message
27. What did the fish say when he hit a wall?
What did the fish say when he hit a wall?

Dam.

That joke still brings tears to my eyes... I love it!
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BringEmOn Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Apr-30-04 10:28 AM
Response to Reply #27
29. Reminds me....
Kid joke....What did the stream say when the elephant sat down in it?

Well, I'll be dammed.
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Teddy_Salad Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Apr-30-04 10:52 AM
Response to Reply #29
41. I like that!
:)


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Commie Pinko Dirtbag Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Apr-30-04 10:36 AM
Response to Original message
30. Elephants!
Me: What did Tarzan say when he saw an elephant coming down the hill?
You: I don't know.
Me: He said, "hey, there's an elephant coming down the hill." Now, what did he say when he saw an elephant coming down the hill and wearing sunglasses?
You: "Hey, there's an elephant coming down the hill and wearing sunglasses."
Me: No, silly. He didn't recognize it.

* * *

Q. How do you pass an elephant under a door?
A. Put it in an envelope.

Q. What if it won't pass?
A. Take away the stamp.

* * *

Me: Have you ever seen an elephant hide behind a sunflower?
You: No.
Me: See, how good they are at hiding?
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sniffa Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Apr-30-04 10:37 AM
Response to Original message
31. one day in mexico
there was a mexican merchant who soLd cheese at the farmer's market. one day he got up as usuaL and began setting up shop. he roLLed a Large baLL of cheese from his home to his stand and returned home for the next baLL of cheese. a thief came aLong and ran off his baLL of cheese. the merchant ran after him shouting, "stop! that's nacho cheese! that's nacho cheese!" (not your cheese)

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furrylitldevil Donating Member (555 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Apr-30-04 10:37 AM
Response to Original message
32. What sits on the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck!

Hey-Oh!
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BigMcLargehuge Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Apr-30-04 10:38 AM
Response to Original message
33. this is a long one
Disclaimer: I'm of Portuguese Ancestry, so virtually all the jokes I learned I first learned in Portuguese, and almost all of them dealt with dumb people who were also Portuguese (or Portuguese people who were also dumb, take your pick). At any rate this one is more of a linguistic joke.

Manny Souza arrives from the old country on a steamship in 1913 to work in the textile mills of New Bedford. He speaks no English, and some partally bilingual folks on the ship teach him how to order breakfast once he gets to America. They teach him to say "Oatmeal".

Fast forward five years.

Manny works at the Berkshire Hathaway mill running a loom, lives in "Little Faial" off County Street, and still speaks no English other than "Oatmeal". Every Sunday morning, after taking the bus to Church, he stops in at the Brooklawn Diner for a late breakfast, and every week he orders the same thing, the only thing he can speak in English. "Oatmeal".

While waiting for the bus after Church one Sunday a new family of communicants asks if there is anyplace around to get a bite to eat. Manny explains that he always goes to Brooklawn Diner. When they family asks if the food is any good, Manny explains that he doesn't really know because all he's ever ordered is "Oatmeal" because that's all he can say in English.

Well, the eldest daughter of this family is bilingual and, taking pity on Manny, teaches him to say "Baconaneggs" so he can have something different than Oatmeal for Sunday breakfast.

Manny is so happy he can barely sit still during the bus ride to the Brooklawn Diner. Once inside, Mabel, the waitress who's been a fixture of the place for at least twenty years, welcomes her regular Sunday morning customer. "Morning Manny," she says, "oatmeal today?"

Manny waves his hand, "Baconaneggs" he pronouces proudly.

"Something new today Manny? Great. How do you want the eggs, sunny side up, down, scrambled, over light, poached, soft or hard boiled?"

Manny thinks for a minute, and answers "Oatmeal".
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sniffa Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Apr-30-04 10:42 AM
Response to Reply #33
36. manny jokes
q: what do you caLL a portaguese midget?
a: pocket manueL.

q: what do you caLL a portaguese beach bum?
a: manny santose (sand toes).

q: what do you caLL a portaguese man who sLeeps in his vehicLe?
a: manny cardoza (car dozer).
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BigMcLargehuge Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Apr-30-04 10:44 AM
Response to Reply #36
37. yep, I remember all of those
LOL.
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VelmaD Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Apr-30-04 10:42 AM
Response to Original message
35. Why do green lights turn red?
You'd turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street. :)
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Beware the Beast Man Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Apr-30-04 10:45 AM
Response to Original message
38. What's brown & sits on a piano stool?
Beethoven's fifth movement!!
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GumboYaYa Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Apr-30-04 10:45 AM
Response to Original message
39. What do you call someone else's cheese?
Nacho Cheese.

My daughter loves that one.
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Rhiannon12866 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Apr-30-04 10:49 AM
Response to Original message
40. Great idea for a thread!!!
Okay, this cracked me up when I was about 12. And I am a dog-lover.

Farmer 1: "Shot my dog."

Farmer 2: "Was he mad?"

Farmer 1: "Wasn't too durn pleased."

Also, this stupid one.

Q. What's green and jumps from bed to bed?

A. A prostetoad.

My friends and I chuckled endlessly over that one. :shrug:

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skypilot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Apr-30-04 11:27 AM
Response to Original message
43. What did the ghost say to the bee?
BOOBY!!!

It's funnier to just hear it rather than seeing it written out.
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worst Donating Member (4 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Apr-30-04 11:45 AM
Response to Original message
44. OK, so a lady opens her refrigerator door......
to find a rabbit reclining inside.

Lady: Rabbit, what are you doing in my refrigerator?

Rabbit: This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?

Lady: Oh, yes! Why?

Rabbit: Well, I'm just Westing!
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Shakespeare Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Apr-30-04 11:53 AM
Response to Original message
45. I CAN'T BELIEVE nobody listed the "interrupting cow" joke!
Knock-knock

Who's there?

Interrupting cow.

Interrupting cow wh---

(interrupting, of course) MOOOOO!

Kids find this one HILARIOUS....and, even as an adult, so do I.

Google the joke and behold its cult-like status.
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U of M Dem 07 Donating Member (142 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Apr-30-04 12:06 PM
Response to Reply #45
46. That's definitely my favorite one
i CRACKED UP just reading it... :D
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SaveElmer Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Apr-30-04 12:10 PM
Response to Original message
47. And another..."Knock, Knock"
Who's there ?

Dwayne

Dwayne Who ?

"Dwayne the bathtub I'm dwowning"
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sleepyhead Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Apr-30-04 07:57 PM
Response to Original message
48. knock knock
Who's there?
Little old lady
Little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel!
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BlueJazz Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Apr-30-04 08:15 PM
Response to Original message
49. From my warped childhood
Who is Super-Chickens alter Ego?........Cluck-Kent

What do you call a cow with no legs?....Ground Beef

Who directs the Salmon to go upstream?.......The Offishers (officers)

What would be the name of Radicalliberal (me) if he had no arms and legs and you hung him on your wall?.....Art

What if he fell in a swimming pool?........Bob

What if you put him outside your door?.......Mat

What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?.......ILean

What do you call a Chinese girl with one leg shorter than the other? Irene
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