Battlefront: Christmas

[FVZA_Colonel]

http://www.somethingawful.com/

Christmas used to be a time of year when everyone was reminded of just how much they hated being around their family. Grandma would give you something ridiculous like a depilatory cream or a piggy bank shaped like a car. Your parents would hand over something vaguely practical but undesirable like a fanny pack or a pair of mittens with jet planes on them. Your more distant relatives would admit that they have absolutely no idea who you actually are and would just send you small amounts of money. You'd pick out something equally out of touch with your immediate family's desires, give it to them and then you'd spend all day sitting around and talking about things that make you feel like swallowing ground glass.

Over the past two years or so that vague melancholy that accompanies the arrival of the Christmas season - a mix of nostalgia for the irretrievable joys of the Christmases of my childhood and dread of that year's impending gift exchange - has been superseded by a simmering rage. Christmas is now about politics, which is precisely what we did not need added to an already horrific holiday. You can blame some vague multicularist conspiracy or the last vestiges of inane political correctness, but let's be honest about whose fault this shit is: Bill O'Reilly and John Gibson.

We all know about Bill O'Reilly. I have enough faith in the average conservative to believe that they are informed about Bill O'Reilly's stupidity. If, after all of these years, you accept what he says as truth then you're on roughly the same intellectual level as a retard abandoned by the side of the road and then raised by that robot that used to come with the Nintendo. O'Reilly literally sits around and makes stuff up and then tells you to be angry about it.

The liberals are helping the Russians buy up all of our flu vaccine! The liberals are working with the Chinese to raise money for North Korea to build nuclear weapons! Hillary Clinton was raped by Bill Clinton and gave birth to a dolphin! Let's all just pretend not to notice the fact that liberals don't control any of the branches of government anymore. Let's keep pretending like they're running everything and that we are being victimized by their boundless power and authority! The idea that there is some vast high-level liberal conspiracy to annihilate Christmas is not an unexpected charge from Bill O'Reilly, but I feel fairly safe in assuming that most rational human beings simply ignore what he says by this point.