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Abortion: Despite being pro-war, pro-gun, and pro-death penalty, Repubs claim to be "pro-life". Truth is, they don't give a crap about life, unless it's a white fetus. Couldn't be because they just want to control women, could it?
Gay Marriage: We gotta stop them thar homoseckshuals from marryin' because it'll destroy the sanctity of marriage, just like interracial marriage, because it's against the official religion of America, Christianity, and because here in America we are about restricting freedom, cencouraging the use of it
Moral Values: Bush is a good moral leader because he hates the same people God hates (gays), drops bombs on non-Christian countries, and because he looks so hot in that flight suit. Nevermind the fact that he drank and did cocaine, that was before he found Jesus, after that, nothing matters. Nevermind the whole "thou shalt not kill" thing, that only applies to people who are white, Christian, and American, everyone else is subhuman. And on top of it all, at least Bush didn't get a blowjob in the Oval Office.
War: We have to go to war with Iraq because Saddam personally piloted all 4 planes on 9/11, because he has a heavy WMD arsenal of BB guns and M-80s, and because God told Bush to do it. Nevermind the fact that we're killing innocent Iraqi children, they are subhuman and would've grown up to be terra-ists anyway.
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