Dear General Schoomaker---another Queeg letter

[queeg]

I changed this a bit, and really wanted to get any other suggestions before sending it--- I have yet to hear back on my letter to John Negroponte, and I doubt that I will hear from this one---the next one is to Condi about other recipes for yellow-cake (many quotes of the wife yelling from the other room--hehe)


General Peter J. Schoomaker
U.S. Army Chief of Staff
The Pentagon
Washington DC

Phil Queeg, Patriot
General Delivery
Austin, Texas

Dear Sir:

I am writing to you today just as a friend to let you know that things as I see them on the news don't seem to be going too swell this quarter for recruiting efforts for the Army. I want to offer suggestions as someone who may be more in tune with these crazy youngsters today. When I am at the local liquor store, exchanging money for the liqueurs I have purchased for them, I often do go out of my way to listen to the legitimate concerns of these youngsters; "future patriots", about how they feel about the world, and as a past military man myself, about how they view the military.

One of the primary concerns I believe is best revealed in a conversation I had this past Friday night with a young gentleman by the name of C-Fuck. Young Master C-Fuck was definitely concerned as were his buddies about the 'Army of One' advertising campaign that has heretofore been so well thought of, and successful. His concerns mainly branched out of the fact that he did not think much of being in an army of one, and thought that since the Army was willing to put his 'M. F. ass out there all by his shizzle lonesome, they better have some M. F-ing awesome Star F-ing Trek Phazor' to give him.

I believe that his concerns are that the advertising campaign imply that all the Army needs is one young soldier at a time. I did however explain to young master C-Fuck as I exchanged for the beverage that I had purchased on his behalf that most of the U.S. Army really was composed of REMF (An Army specific term I believe) personnel, and that very few actually performed combat functions. He did explain to me that he thought advertising for an Army of one was a genuinely poor idea and that it may be better to advertise as positions being available as he put it in an 'Army of about 10 f-ing million'.

I will pass along My young acquaintances address under separate cover as he was genuinely interested in joining as a unit with his friends as our 26th President did. He personally showed me an impressive collection of firearms that he apparently regularly carries with him, and he, and as he termed it, his 'Posse' (a western term I believe) could go over and 'Take Care of Business' (I believe that was an Elvis song after he left the Army). He was especially emphatic about any of them tresspassing on his side of the street or doing any business in his 'hood'.

These youngsters today are a fine crop, and I feel no problems whatsoever explaining to them the wonderful opportunities in the U.S. Military

Yours Sincerely

Phil Queeg,
PATRIOT,
Capt. USN Ret.

[The Magistrate]

1. An Excellent Piece, Sir

Very well done. But there is a small chance the General may be himself an Elvis fan, and if recollection serves, "Taking Care of Business" was a Bachman Turner Overdrive anthem from the early seventies. Hope the young lad enjoyed the potables....

[nadinbrzezinski]

2. This is histerical

by the way, good use of REFM, anong others...

;-)