My daughter who is going on 14 tells me....

[cags]

that she doesn't get the whole peer pressure thing. She said that she never feels peer pressure. If she doesn't want to do something others are doing she doesn't, and noone bothers her about it. She thinks the peer pressure commercials are stupid and not reflective of real life.

I had this same experience when I was in High School, all my friends did drugs, but I never felt pressure to do it too. I have never even tried drugs once and that includes pot. I was even in crack houses with friends and they all were sitting around doing cocaine.

So I'm wondering if peer pressure really doesn't have that much effect on whether kids try drugs or not.

Is this a common experience?
Or is it just something about my personality that I may have passed on to her?
I've been pondering that lately

Your thoughts?

[patrice]

1. I used to teach high school Psychology.

And the research says that family relationships are the strongest factor determining adolescent behavior, not peer pressure.

[nashville_brook]

9. i actually started to say something along these lines...

the kids i knew in my two diff high schools (and jr high) who smoked pot as an identity, had difficult home lives.

plenty of kids smoke pot but aren't stoners, but they were more likely to keep it a secret.

it should be said tho -- smoking pot doesn't ruin kids lives. crappy parenting does.

[grumpy old fart]

11. a corollary though, is that if the family relationships are weak.....

peer pressure will have more of an effect on the child....

[patrice]

15. Right! I'm sure.

I think what is understood as "good family relationships", often isn't really appropriate to the specific set of relationships in a family. So when some parents create what they think are "good family relationships" and they fail, the first thing they say is "Peer Pressure!"

[nashville_brook]

2. peer pressure, imo, is a useless term

kids smoke pot for the same reason adults smoke.

[cynatnite]

3. Good for her!

I think part of it is your personality being passed on plus the values you've given her. She sounds like she's got a level head on her shoulders.

It's sad that more kids aren't like that. For a lot of them it's a matter of fitting in. They feel the need and the desire to fit in so much that it means to do what the other ones are doing. It's about self-esteem.

If others accept them, then they can accept themselves even if it means using drugs, drinking or whatever else it may be.

On edit: Peer pressure is the wrong wording for this.

[Ravenseye]

4. Anecdotal evidence is dangerous

I never knew anyone who had polio...doesn't mean nobody ever got polio. Anecdotal evidence is dangerous.

That said I never experienced any peer pressure. If I didn't want to do something I didn't do it. Nobody ever gave me a hard time about anything if I chose not to do it, particularly harder drugs which I always avoided.

Still that doesn't mean that there weren't people who felt it. Maybe your daughter and you and I are people who have a certain strength of conviction. Maybe people DID say things to us, which we didn't register as pressure that other people would.

I also know that there are people who while they might never admit doing anythign because of peer pressure still do. They're very lacking in self-confidence for one reason or another, and don't want people to judge them. Someone simply saying "hey you want a hit?" is peer pressure to them. They fear declining.

Where people like me might just say "no thanks, I'm cool" and the person offering passes it to the next without comment.

I agree that the commercials are kind of bs. Very aggressive peer pressure. I think it really takes more subtle forms. I don't know anyone who had a joint shoved in their face and told "smoke this or you're uncool and we won't like you."

If that did happen to someone the people proabbly didn't like him anyway and are just messing with the person.

[TlalocW]

5. I think my experience is slightly different

In high school, I felt no peer pressure because I hated my classmates, thought they were stupid, and actively went out of my way to do the exact opposite of whatever they considered cool at the time, and it served to piss them off several times too. :)

TlalocW

[NoSheep]

14. You too?

[TlalocW]

21. Oh, yeah...

As a freshman, I was constantly in danger of getting red-bellies from the upperclassmen in band because I mocked school spirit - our football team sucked, and I wanted to play, "Send in the Clowns," when the basketball team took the floor. :)

TlalocW

[NoSheep]

25. LOL! I just didn't fit in with the jerks I went to school with.

There was no peer pressure to do anything "risque", however, there seemed to be a lot of pressure to be a carbon copy of everyone else.
I refused. Had bigger fish to fry;)

[TlalocW]

31. What's extra funny about that

Is the band played, "All I Need Is a Miracle," (by Mike and the Mechanics) all four years I was in high school at halftimes during the football and basketball games, and I never thought to make any mention of it along the same lines as "Send in the Clowns." We were playing a damn song that expressed defeat unless a power greater than ourselves involved itself, and I never thought about it!

I was crushed when that hit me. :)

TlalocW

[patcox2]

20. So ironically you let them control you despite your contempt for them.

Listen to yourself, you just said it. You so craved their disapproval that you let them control your actions.

Thats not peer pressure?

[TlalocW]

22. Can it be called control

When I didn't do what they want?

So if a kid today gives in to smoking marijuana at the insistence of his classmates, peer pressure claims another victory.

And if the kid doesn't do it because he hates the guy offering it to him, peer pressure claims another victory.

TlalocW

[patcox2]

28. Hey, I was like you, just now I see

that you can be as much a slave to what you reject as what you desire. That either seeking or rejecting something allows it to control you. Desire is a prison. The desire for peer acceptance, for example. But the only escape from the prison of desire is indifference (actually, enlightened detachment). To go from desire to rejection does not remove one from the prison, its just painting the cell a different color. One is controlled as much by that which one hates as by that which one loves.

[TlalocW]

30. What's funny about this response is...

My class had a party out in the country after our graduation ceremony (sidenote: My two best friends always bet on when I would leave a party, and it was always within 30 minutes), the guy with the biggest ego in the class actually tried making fun of me for not drinking (never have) and told me, in a somewhat drunken slur, "I used to be just like you..." and continued to tell me why his life was better now that he had given in to peer pressure (we were both brains in different areas - him in history, me in math, computers, and the sciences) and drink with the popular kids, and indeed, he was more popular because of it, which I didn't care about since the popular kids were wastes of space.

Anyway, the point of that story is now when someone starts off with, "I was just like you," I know they're full of shit.

TlalocW

[HughBeaumont]

26. Mine was kind of that situation.

I didn't go to high school with happy, cool, laid back drunks and stoners - I saw NO good examples of drug or alcohol usage. Usually people who got high on pot were laid back and accommodating - not these dickheads; I went to school with asshole mean stoners who most likely did coke because they were rich and could afford it. Same with the drinkers, they were fake and superficial, mean drunks. I was like "yeah, I want to be like THEM? No danke."

Never having touched a drug or a smokeable product in my life (STILL haven't), the only time I ever gave in to peer pressure was when someone told me "but you aren't going to be any fun if you don't drink". Had I not listened to that bullshit, I probably wouldn't even have touched alcohol either.

[grumpy old fart]

6. Peer pressure is real, but good parenting can save the day.....

The old saying, "if you don't stand for something you'll fall for anything", is true. A child with a firm sense of self, and self esteem, will generally deal with peer pressure appropriately. The main ingredient for building such self esteem comes from early childhood experiences of security, love and nurturing. IMHO.

[tridim]

7. I think kids use peer pressure as an excuse when they get caught

Most kids will experiment with these things no matter what anyone tells them. Certainly some won't, and that's fine. My younger brother did the strait edge thing. I just smoked a little pot, no big deal.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

8. Peer pressure works best on kids who don't have any inner core

If they have the type of parents who are too over-extended or too lazy to teach them values and help them discover who they are.

It makes me crazy when parents say that they're not going to impose any values on their children, but let them decide for themselves. The corporations just LOVE it when you say that, because no one makes a better target for their ads and their propaganda than someone who has never been given any guidance in ethics and morals and who has never been encouraged to develop his or her unique gifts.

Every college has drunken frat parties, but I noticed over the years that the students who were deeply involved in their studies (not as grade grubbers, but with real interest) or in an extra-curricular activity other than sports (music, theater, writing, community service, politics) were much less likely to participate in the "three parties per week" (Friday, Saturday, and Wednesday "hump day") routine common to students who had no sense of purpose and no knowledge of anything outside the pop culture.

[nashville_brook]

16. i was in the music scene in college and grad school -- "partying" was

whenever anyone we knew had a gig. friday, monday -- whatever. we smoked pot constantly and tripped as much as possible (if you know what i mean... you know what i mean). you'd go and see your friends play and stay up all night arguing about politics and activism with the bands staying at your house before they move on to their next gig.

i had frat people in lots of my classes. i was a philosophy/poly sci major (and did lots of student organizing, some theater). frat people seemed to think Ancient Phil and Critical Thinking were crip courses and could come in and not read and not participate and get straight A's. they would freak when they didn't pass -- like, i PAID my tuition -- now GIVE me MY grade. at state universities, that's possible in some departments (biz schools, education), but you have to engage your brain in liberal arts.

if you want an EDUCATION, "partying" isn't the problem. thinking and doing the work is.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

24. By "music" I don't mean playing in clubs

I mean being in the school orchestra or choir.

[nashville_brook]

33. yeah, nerds are less likely to smoke pot. MY point was potsmokers can be

just as ACTIVE and get a great education to boot.

[LisaL]

10. It's probably her personality. Some kids want to please others,

and she seems very independent if she doesn't really care that much what others think. Good for her!

[Verve]

12. Good for you! Your daughter (and you) must have strong self confidence

which I believe probably buffers teens from peer pressure. The kids most at risk are children struggling with their sense of self, who may have some family struggles as well.

You should pat yourself on the back. You've raised your daughter supurbly!:thumbsup:

[InternalDialogue]

13. Good for your daughter!

Just my personal experience (no professional training at all):

I think people of every age respond to peer pressure in proportion to how strongly they hold the same goals as the peer group. Young kids want to be "in"? Peer pressure will more strongly affect their actions and their psyche. Young kids hold goals different than those of the "in" group? Peer pressure will be tangential to their goals, and it'll be neither effective nor bothersome. So if your daughter has strong desires for activities whose accomplishment is based not on approval but on her own drive and ability to act and think in a particular way, then she's doing great. In fact, her feeling good about herself without feeling the need to cave to peer pressure may make her a standard for other peers on its own.

As a junior-high and high-school kid, I had a place in several disparate social circles. Had I yearned to be popular in just one of them, the peer pressure would have made me do things differently to fit in. As it was, the steps I would have had to take to fit in with one or two groups would have compromised my ability to excel in the activities of the other groups. I gladly accepted my place as a semi-stud among geeks and a semi-geek among studs.

[seabeyond]

17. i too wasnt effected by peer pressure

with most all things. i was very independent. i was confident. i had received a good foundation and security as a child.

i will say, i did allow the pressure of society and what a female was suppose to look like. so i can understand it too. i was calif in the late 70's with anxeria and bulima and jumped on that wagon. that is peer pressure, conditioning, and it was in the area i was not confident in with my body style

i see it as an advantage for you, me and your sister that it is not as much of a challenge for us

but, because it is not a challenge for us, our personality, people are different. and there are those that need approval from friend. i didnt understand them for many years, i didnt get teenagers when i was a teenager. now raising children, seeing differences innately in personality i see the different personality more clearly, and the different need of each child. it is important for a child that needs socializing, people around them, (i was/am a loner) to understand not to seek approval just to have the people around. there is a quality of friendship, not just quantity

[nashville_brook]

18. another thought -- the goal shouldn't be to "keep" your kids from

smoking pot. smoking pot isn't the problem. smoking pot never killed anyone. smoking pot never got anyone in a bar fight. smoking pot actually gives your unquiet mind a kick in the pants -- like meditation.

if you were to find out that everything your daughter told you about she's told you about resisting peer pressure were technically true -- that she wouldn't smoke pot b/c of other people -- but that she smoked pot b/c she WANTED to... b/c she was curious... b/c it was was her decision -- how would that jibe with you? would be like, "phew -- at least it wasn't b/c of peer pressure..."

i have a cousin who was your classic "good girl" in high school. nerdy. self-reliant to a fault. truncated social life. always had one friend who was way prettier than she, and she'd be her little slave. she would rail on all the "stupid" people with "pot parties." yikes. if intelligence were measured socially, she'd be riding the short bus.

does this correlate with success in life? she never smoked pot -- seems like she's headed for BIG things...

well lets see. graduated with a BS in Restaurant/Hotel Management. Managed a few restaurants (Red Lobster, etc). Settled down with another restaurant manager. Had a kid, both lost their jobs. He sells cars now and she works part time in a grocery store bank. With a combined income of 35,000, they have are on the brink of losing their house. she's clinically depressed and is so tight with her superior sense of self, that she won't seek help. instead she has turned 150% of her energy to her little boy. it's a case of smothering worthy of study.

meanwhile, all her brother's POTHEAD/acid-tripping buddies have gone on to huge success -- one even owns an aerospace company. i'm talking -- most of these guys could retire now (at 40) and smoke pot for the rest of their lives and their grandkids' kids, would still inherit quite a pile of cabbage.


all i can is it's a good thing she never smoked pot.

point is, there's plenty worse than pot-smoking.

[gollygee]

19. I had the same experience

I never used drugs when I was a kid but my friends did. They never tried to pressure me into using them, or even seemed to care that I didn't. They seemed to respect that it just wasn't me.

I've never gotten that either.

[yella_dawg]

23. I started smoking tobacco

when a "friend's" older brother decided to fight me every day after school until I smoked with him. I thought cigarettes were repulsive and dumb, but eventually, it just became easier to light up than to fight it out every day. By the time he graduated, I was hooked. That was back in the late sixties. Peer pressure is there, although this is certainly an extreme case. I agree that family ties can be (should be) stronger than peer pressure, never doubt the influence of peers. I have a whole theory going about pseudo-peers that are television characters that can and do influence adults as well as children / teens.

[Dorian Gray]

27. Cags...

I was the same way. I didn't drink too much in High School, I never did pot, and I never had sex. All my friends, however, were involved in all three. I never felt pressure to do any of it. Perhaps I went to a cool school where people were pretty nice. Or, perhaps I just am one of the few who doesn't notice when others pressure you.

I think "peer pressure" more often is the desire by a teen to feel cool. I don't think that people actually say, "Why aren't you drinking? EVERYONE'S DOING IT!" Or maybe they do, and I just didn't come across them! :)

[leftynyc]

29. I think kids who are raised to have positive self-esteem

are much less likely to be affected by peer pressure. Sounds like you did a great job.

[liontamer]

32. i'm the same way

I felt no peer pressure in high school. Although in college I did align my behavior a bit more with my roomates'. It wasn't explicit peer pressure, but when you are questioning the way you view the world in general having partner's in crime who are more out there than you does tend to bias your behavior a little bit.

But not in the melodramatic "everyone else is doing it so why can't I" kind of way.