Calif says "Congrats, Pres B*sh, & we're taking the blue states..." humor

[housewolf]

Dear President Bush:

Congratulations on your victory over all us non-evangelicals.
Actually, we're a bit ticked off here in California, so we're leaving.
California will now be its own country. And we're taking all the Blue
States with us. In case you are not aware, that includes Hawaii,
Oregon,Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, and all of
the North East.

We spoke to God, and she agrees that this split will be beneficial to
almost everybody, and especially to us in the new country of
California. In fact, God is so excited about it, she's going to shift
the whole country at 4:30 pm EST this Friday. Therefore, please let
everyone know they need to be back in their states by then.

So you get Texas and all the former slave states. We get the
Governator, stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get Elliot Spitzer. You get KenLay. (Okay, we have to keep Martha
Stewart, we can live with that.) We get the Statue of Liberty. You get
OpryLand. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get
Harvard. You get Old Miss. We get 85% of America's venture capital and
entrepreneurs. You get all the technological innovation in Alabama. We
get about two-thirds of the tax revenue, and you get to make the red
states pay their fair share.

Since our divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian coalitions, we
get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms to
support, and we know how much you like that.

Did I mention we produce about 70% of the nation's veggies? But heck
the only greens the Bible-thumpers eat are the pickles on their Big Macs.

Oh yeah, another thing, don't plan on serving California wine at your
state dinners. From now on it's imported French wine for you. Ouch, bet
that hurts.

Just so we're clear, the country of California will be pro-choice and
anti-war. Speaking of war , we're going to want all Blue States
citizens back from Iraq. If you need people to fight, just ask your
evangelicals. They have tons of kids they're willing to send to their
deaths for absolutely no purpose. And they don't care if you don't show
pictures of their kids' caskets coming home.

Anyway, we wish you all the best in the next four years and we hope,
really hope, you find those missing weapons of mass destruction.
Seriously. Soon.

Sincerely,
California




(from a private email list, not source given)

[Mz Pip]

1. This is terrific

I've seen this before and am saving it and will probably send it to my Red Stae relatives if they ever send me another God loves Bush e-mail. They have been very quiet lately. Buyers remorse perhaps.

THere's always www.fuckthesouth.com which sums up things rather well, too

Mz Pip

[katinmn]

2. I love it! Why can't we have a parallel nation?

[Tux]

3. LOL

That was great. Divided States of America should be the new name.

[zeek]

4. good riddance

Maybe without your influence we could build a competitive democratic party again. Consider every Democrat to win the presidency in the past 30 years, including Gore, was a southerner. As for ournew country here are my thoughts:

"So you get Texas and all the former slave states."
Well Maryland was blue and it, along with KY, were the LAST states to outlaw slavery.

"We get the Governator, stem cell research and the best beaches."
The best beaches in U.S. territory are in the Virgin Islands and Puerto Rico, and you didn't say you are getting them. The best beaches in the 50 states are on the Gulf Coast, pretty much anywhere between Key West and Brownsville. And yes I've been to the beaches in Hawaii, and they don't compare to the white sand beaches in the Gulf.

"We get Harvard. You get Old Miss."
Yes and we also get every decent NCAA football team except Michagan, Ohio State and USC. Being a football fan I think that is a fair trade.

"You get all the technological innovation in Alabama."
That is pretty good since Alabama put man on the moon. That feat is considered the biggest technological accomplishment of the 20th Century. The Apollo program was ran out of Huntsville Alabama. Every single NASA rocket ever launched was designed in Alabama and the vast majority were built there, including the Saturn 5. There is no accomplishment in the U.S. that can rival the Apollo program, and Alabama had the lions share of the reponsibility for it (the other states partially resposible were FL and TX, also in our new country).

"Since our divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian coalitions, we
get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms to support, and we know how much you like that."
I find it funny that you call yourself a democrat and want to rid your new "country" of single moms. Yes we get them and they are welcome. As an aside the divorce statistics are true but only becuase you are getting 50 million catholics in the north east. Get rid of your christians and the stats would be pretty even.

"Did I mention we produce about 70% of the nation's veggies?"
and probably 5% of the nations meat, enjoy your string beans.

"Oh yeah, another thing, don't plan on serving California wine at your
state dinners. From now on it's imported French wine for you."
OK the California wine is out, but screw French wine. We are going with Jack Daniels and Jim Beam!

The bottom line is IMO the blue state liberals with thier exclusionary policies are the reason the demcratic party is fast becoming a non-player on the national stage. The democrats still control the local governments in most Southern states, and without you I think we stand a reasonable chance of taking back the country for all americans.