This Week's News in Review

[yella_dawg]

With all that's been happening in the news, it's sometimes confusing, so I thought that maybe a review of the week's events might be "helpful".

This week:

Texas failed to blow up over the Fourth of July holiday weekend, in spite of yet another terror warning from whoever it is that issues these interminable terror warnings.

The deeply respected leader of the free world has informed us that that CIA Director Tenet has accepted responsibility for the State of the Union Address oopsie, so the issue is closed. Whew! What a relief!

California continues to fly blindly into political and economic chaos, and Ahnolde is getting closer to the Governor's Mansion by the day. While many in California see this as troubling, most Americans are ignoring these developments, waiting for a "making of" mini-documentary when it comes out on DVD.

Alan Greenspan issued yet another warning about an impending natural gas crisis in the US. Dick Cheyney, who, odly enough, was not at an undisclosed location several times this week, forgot to lead his ultra-secret Energy Task Force in making any statement in reference to this situation. In a related development, a Federal Court mentioned to Cheyney that "ultra-secret" and "Energy Task Force" is probably a bad pairing of concepts. So Cheyney christened an aircraft carrier.

The Bush Administration continued to identify "unhelpful" situations and actions around the world. The publisher's of Webster's Dictionary are working on a revised definition of the word "unhelpful". An unnamed Webster's editor stated: "The word "unhelpful" now rivals the word "f*ck" for having the most totally unrelated meanings." A national poll found that Americans strongly support a foreign policy based on a determination of helpfulness. Twenty seven percent of respondents felt that "unhelpful" is better than the word "evil" inserted in every other sentence uttered by a member of the administration.

During their African photo-op, the Moron and First Lobotomy were thrilled by the oportunity to watch elephants copulate on an African wildlife refuge. During the performance, George intimated to Laura, "Gosh, this is just like out on the ranch!" A conflicting report has the Moron saying, "I'm so hot. Where's Barney?"