The Difference Between Republicans and Democrats

[cushla_machree]

You have probably all heard this one before:

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and got out twenty dollars. He kept 15 for administrative fees and gave the homeless person five.

Now you understand the difference

Anyone got any that would be more accurate? I keep getting these things in the mail from my conservative friends. I'd like to send back a few realistic ones. :)

[rockymountaindem]

1. You could look up something called "a day in the life of Joe Republican".

[cushla_machree]

9. yeah

I love that one.

[ChairOne]

20. OMG - that's fucking awesome! /eom

[annabanana]

2. Here ya go Cushla!

Things Republicans Believe

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

"Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

[Warpy]

3. The Repuglican would give him directions to the employment office

if he were feeling charitable, but that's all he'd give him. If he were having a typical day, he'd give the guy a kick and a snarl to get the hell out of the way. If he were having a worse day than usual, he'd complain to the police and have the guy carted off to somebody else's neighborhood.

The Democrat would give him some money, some food, and ask him if he'd like to get cleaned up. Then, when his needs were taken care of, he'd direct him to a place he knew that was actually hiring.

[Rican1]

4. More accurate joke but no one's laughing

The Republican took $20 from the Democrat's pocket to subsidize his business. He then gave the homeless man a job that did not pay a living wage and then spent millions lobbying congress so that he wouldn't have to pay taxes. He eventually layed-off the homeless man because he could find cheaper labor overseas. Then he called the Democrat: unpatriotic, bleeding heart liberal, etc.

[Bouncy Ball]

13. Rican

I agree, that one is more realistic, though I have a hard time imagining the republican even NOTICING the homeless guy in the first place.

Oh and welcome to DU!

[Rican1]

14. Good Point

If(and that's a big if) the republican notices the homeless person he probably sprays him with mace.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

5. More likely scenario

A Democrat and a Republican are walking down the street and see a homeless person. The Republican says, "Well, get a job!" The homeless man says, "I can't work-I have HIV" The Republican says, "Well, that's because of your immoral life. I suggest you find yourself a church that might take you in--after you renounce your wicked ways!"

The Democrat says, "Come to my car. There's still a government clinic that can help you-I see from your jacket you're a veteran. I don't have much money, but here's ten bucks."

The Republican hears this, and says, "You're a veteran? Then rest assured I'll make sure your name is placed on the local veteran's memorial after you die, but don't expect any favors from me while you're alive. After all, I need all those thousands of dollars I don't have to waste on taxes to pay for more important things."


That's more like it.

[McKenzie]

6. if the Repug had his/her way there wouldn't be a welfare office n/t

[0rganism]

7. When's the last time you saw a republican give anything to a homeless man?

To republicans, our system is a "meritocracy": IOW if you are homeless and destitute, it's because you damn well deserved it. If the poor and wretched want any help, they can get it from the nearest mega-church in return for changing their sinful ways.

Invite your conservative "friends" to take a walk with you in your nearest city with a significant homeless population. Then you can see for yourself how many $20 bills your friends hand out.

[cushla_machree]

17. how many $20 bills your friends hand out.

I am willing to bet zero.

One of the hard things for me is that when you give people money on the street, more often than not it is going to go for booze or cigarettes. But I still hand out my pocket change in the hopes that it is gonna go to food or anything.

But i think it highlights the point that, there are many reasons people are homeless. And for the most part, the vast majority of republicans could care less. What i find is sad is that many of those homeless people have serious drug and alcohol problems, often mixed with some type of mental illness. And these people end up getting arrested and clog our jails, in which the state has to pay these private prisons to house them.

There just aren't any places for these people to get help. I do not believe my state even has any halfway houses.

You gotta love how the aristocratic republicans like bush, think they are wealthy because they deserve it or got it through hard work. Everyone else is just lazy. I know plenty of people who work tens times harder than those people ever did.

[Deja Q]

8. Who's drinking the k00l-aid?

Repubs circa 2005 wouldn't give anything to the homeless man; just tell him to work on his own merit. Meanwhile repubs also give the mega-wealthy tax cuts, support corporate mandates that results in the loss of good paying jobs at home, and cut welfare programs for the poor and homeless. And that's when you see "governemnt subsidies" for those mega-corps go up too.

That is the sad reality.

Tell that programmed robot that. See what happens.

[troubleinwinter]

10. The Republican would tell the homeless person to enroll in Junior College.

[farmbo]

11. The real difference...

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business to work as scab labor since they were trying to break the Union. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to a Billionaire driving by in a Bentley. The homeless person shook his head in disbelief and left.

The Democrat was very curious, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office, which had been shut down during the Clinton Administration and converted into an employment agency and job training center. He then reached into the his own pocket and pulled out twenty dollars from his paycheck. Since only earned income (wages) is taxed under Bush's tax plan, he gave the Republican 15 for interest on the deficit, taxes for the Bush wars and corporate welfare programs, and gave the homeless person five.

[Bouncy Ball]

12. The REALLY funny part of this whole scenario

is that I am supposed to believe the republican even NOTICED the first homeless person???

BWA!!!! They would NEVER give their freaking business card AND $20 to a homeless person. How could they? They don't even SEE them!

[Rincewind]

15. the difference

Here's a joke that shows the real difference between Democrats and Republicans. If you take a glass and fill it half way with water and show it to a Democrat, he will say " The glass is half empty." Show it to a Republican, and he will say " Hey! Somebody drank half of my water!"

[Orangepeel]

16. In what parallel universe would the republican give the guy money?

A traditioal republican would tell him to pull himself up by his bootstraps. If it was a fundamentalist conservative, he might promise the guy a sandwich if he promised to accept Jesus Christ as his personal savior.

[NCMojo]

18. A Response

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Democrat handed the homeless man a twenty dollar bill and gave him directions to a local shelter.

The Republican just smirked and said, "Well, that's great, if you enjoy sponsoring terrorism."

The Democrat furrowed his brow. "How is giving that homeless man money somehow connected to terrorism?"

The Republican hesitated. "Wait. It wasn't terrorism. I think it was the war on drugs. Or pornography."

"What?" the Democrat asked, incredulously.

"Gay people," the Republican said, shifting uncomfortably. When he was met with stunned silence, he tried again. "Reverse racism, I mean. You know, putting an end to the welfare state. Standing up to the Communists and what not."

The Democrat stared at the Republican in disbelief. "Do you have even a single independent thought in your entire head?"

The Republican shook his head. "You're just upset that Bush got reelected."

[Orangepeel]

21. Welcome to DU, NCMojo

:hi:

Props for your post!

[OnionPatch]

19. No way would the Republican give the guy $20

That just wouldn't happen. Ever. In fact, the Republican would probably call the cops to come get the panhandler off the street.