Become a Republican: Here is YOUR Guidebook

[placton]

Well, it sure is clear that the Grand Old Party is in the ascendancy. Placton is tired of being in the minority, so he's headin' right, and here's his guidebook for doin' it (10 Commandments, natch - watch your local government building wall):
1. Eliminate final "g" s in all words endin' with "ing"
2. Learn that Jews are useful: them bein' in Israel means The Apocalypse is a'comin' - 'course, when it does, Jesus will toss all them Jews into hell, where they belong
3. Learn that the Bible OK's slavery, and condemns every person who disagrees with you: nigras (we'n's don't use that "n word" except at KKK meetings), 'spanics, faggots and lezzies, furriners, and liberals
4. Read that series on "Left Behind" - chortle when all my non-fundie neighbors, relatives, and friends are dragged screamin'' into the Pit of Hell by Satan - and dream of the day it really happens!
5. Listen to my minister (with his - never her - 2 years of Bible school trainin') tell me how to vote
6. Don't worry about that "love thy neighbor stuff" 'ceptin' as it apples to us chosen who go to heaven - we kin hate everybody else
7. Put the wimmen-folk back in their place. Like Phyllis Schlafley & Dr. Laura says when they travel the country "Women need to stay home and take care of the kids"
8. Don't worry if my job goes overseas - it'll help that rich guy down the street make more money, and me too, when I get rich!
9. Learn the names of the top 10 NASCAR drivers, and watch 'em alla time
10. Thank God that I am one of the chosen people in the ass kickin' US of A!

[KurtNYC]

1. And get a lobotomy

makes it easier to bleev that stuff.

[placton]

2. I woulda' remembered that

before I got my lobotomy

[displacedtexan]

3. Sorry. Can't join up. My hair's too good.

No split ends.
No need for Dippity Do or hairspray.
No standing appointment needed at The Cut-N-Curl.

They'd spot me a mile away.

[placton]

4. Don't you mean

your hair is too small?

[placton]

5. shameless self kick

[patdem]

6. Funny, when I was 16 I used to take a shayour and dry off with a tayall

(that is shower and dry off with a towel) till I actually heard myself talking..in VA..a ICK red state...I cannot imagine goin back that many years!

[wordout]

7. brother placton!

allow me to intra duce mahself. Mah name is brother wordout an i been lookin to paht'ner up financially with a GODLY, ChRISTIAN man liken y'all self.

in fact, ahm so impressed bah the good reports ima hearin bout yawself that im gonna let you in on a very unique position in the kingdom of my ministry;; im gonna offa you a chance to make a one time investment of 50,000 dollahs - now,now now, i know what yaw thinking, but don be tellin nobody else -this is just between you, i and the Lawd. THe Lawd told ME, to tell YOU, if'n ya help my ministry, he will bless your chil'ren, an their chil'ren's chil'ren! You jus sign rye here an Ill put you in touch with my secruhtary. GLOOORY!

i want y'all to know its bean a great hahner, brother placton, and a priv'lege to make yaw uh-quaintance!GLOOORY! y'all bring that lady friend of ya's over afta sunday service to partake of some group fornication and hydroponic manna from heaven! WOOHOOOO! GLORY!

im eagerly awaitin in expectation AND anticipation, the arrival, of the evidence, of yaw great faith in the Lawd.. Thank you, for making this contribution. yaw chil'rens chilren thank you. the Lawd thanks you. g_d bless.

and everybody saith: AAAAmen.