In this thread, we write Fox News

[keta11]

Headlines from a historical perspective
-------------------------------
I will start off


2/17/64

COLORED MAN, MARTIN LUTHER KING CAUSES RIOTS

[keta11]

1. 5/18/36

CHARISMATIC GERMAN LEADER LEADS HIS COUNTRY OUT OF ECONOMIC TURMOIL

[GregW]

2. 11/22/63

Thoughtless, womanizing President ruins a perfectly good bullet with his head.

[BootinUp]

6. That is so bad

We would be a facist state when that one comes out.

[Bluzmann57]

3. Martin Luther King shot

James Earl Ray charged with firing a gun in city limits.

[keta11]

4. 3/26/1367

EXTREMIST SCIENTIST DECLARES EARTH IS NOT FLAT

[Catch22Dem]

34. Or is it an "Activist Scientist"

a la Activist Judges

[leftistagitator]

5. Hitler, villain or victim of Liberal Media? - 12/6/41

[Nevernose]

71. 12/7/41 -- WAGGING THE DOG TO AVOID POLIO-GATE?

Today, the President declared us at war with the people of Japan and Germany. Some Senate Republicans are specualting that this is merely an attempt to divert attention from the embattled President's waning poll numbers in the wake of the angry public sentiments regarding President Roosevelt's alleged collusion in the growing Polio-gate scandal...

[Walt Starr]

7. Benevolent Italian Leader restores train schedule

4/18/32

[RetroLounge]

8. June 6th, 1944

Liberal Roosevelt launches invasion of France to wag the dog away from the media covering his wheel chair...

RL

[Cheswick2.0]

9. In latest scientific study

Doctors have found that female orgasms cause breast cancer.

[MrBenchley]

10. April 15, 1912: The O'Reilly Factor transcript

O'Reilly: "How dare anyone condemn the head of the White Star line just because he had the gumption to dress like a woman and get into one of the lifeboats? Maybe if some of the so-called victims had the ingenuity and motivation to get off their lazy asses, they'd still be alive!"

Guest: "But there were not enough lifeboats for all the passengers..."

O'Reilly (interrupting): "Oh, shut up. Listen, where do these lazy people get this sense of entitlement, like somebody owes them a seat in a lifeboat? They should be happy to be on a great boat like the Titanic...."

[Catch22Dem]

36. Holy Shit

That was GREAT!!!!!! I can't believe no one else commended you on it!

[donhakman]

90. E

[Norquist Nemesis]

91. *Applause* *Standing Ovation!*

You nailed it!

This thread is hilarious! :rofl:

[Liberal_Dog]

120. Oh, Jeez!!

That was a good one. I'm still laughing!! :yourock:

[MrSlayer]

11. 9/1/39

GERMANS DEFEND THEMSELVES FROM POLISH ATTACKS!

[keta11]

12. 1960

"Klan charity drive interrupted by crazed negroe who later hangs himself"

[leftistagitator]

13. Crazed radicals declare "Independence" from Crown - 7/4/1776

Terrorists attack innocent merchant vessel - 12/16/1773

[stinkeefresh]

14. 1972-73

NIXON'S GUTSY, MODERN CAMPAIGN STRATEGIES COME UNDER PARTISAN ATTACK

[keta11]

24. LIBERAL MEDIA FORCES NIXON TO RESIGN

[OKNancy]

44. Hey - wait a minute..that's not a made up headline

:-) Seems to be pretty much what many papers were writing..lol

Makes me remember "Nattering Nabobs of Negativism"

[mark11727]

15. April 14, 1865

Lincoln causes a ruckus in theatre. Beloved local actor injured.

[GoodSpud]

16. 03-31-1981

Our Heroic Leader rescues Secret Service Agents by blocking bullet.

T.D.P.

[Sparkly]

17. 8/26/1920

FEMINAZI'S HISSY FITS GET THEM THE RIGHT TO VOTE

[rock]

18. Aliens Invasion!

Clinton held responsible.

[Sagan]

19. 9/22/1863

President Lincoln assaults right to own private property

[keta11]

20. 1945

COALITION FORCES UNLEASH 'SHOCK AND AWE' ON JAPANESE CITY OF HIROSHIMA - DOD SAYS CIVILIAN CAUSUALTIES EXPECTED TO BE MINIMAL.

[Sandpiper]

21. Terrorist Group "Sons of Liberty" Attacks Boston Harbor

[MrBenchley]

Love the graphic!

[Dying Eagle]

61. THAT GRAPHIC RULES!!

A+

[MessiahRp]

64. I'm posting that on the FVWA board

That's hilarious.

LOL

Rp

[MisterP]

67. "Up next is Royal Intelligence agent Smith

to tell us why crimes against property are worse than those against life and livelihood, and ought to be punished accordingly."

[Anarcho-Socialist]

76. Brilliant graphic! n/t

[BigMcLargehuge]

22. Nov 13th 1937

Heroic Japanese Army begins liberation of Nanking!

[Justice]

23. "Halliburton feels financial strain of Iraq work"

6/21/04


Sorry, I know it is current, and a real headline from LBN -- but it just seemed too perfect!

You guys are really clever - -- this collection needs to be posted somewhere. Maybe send to Al Franken or Jon Stewart.

[Sparkly]

25. 10/29/1929

STOCK MARKET IN TURMOIL - TAX CUTS FOR THE WEALTHY NEEDED IMMEDIATELY FOR ECONOMIC STIMULUS

[BigMcLargehuge]

43. Hiring surge in Wall Street brokerages as thousands

prematurely retire and try new recreational fad, skyscraper leaping. President Hoover touts strength of his economic recovery plan.

[louis-t]

55. this ones good.

[orthogonal]

26. 7/9/54

LEFTIST MEDIA TROUBLEMAKER MURROW SMEARS PROTECTOR OF HOMELAND "TAIL GUNNER JOE" McCARTHY

[Sandpiper]

27. July 4, 1776: American Terrorist Congress Issues Manifesto

The American terrorist organization, the Continental Congress, has issued a manifesto declaring their treason to the crown and betrayal of our Sovereign Lord, His Majesty King George III.

[keta11]

28. BRUTUS PERFORMS EMERGENCY BACK SURGERY ON JULIUS CEASAR

[Jacobin]

33. LOL

good one

[orthogonal]

38. Er

Caesar was the tyrant; Brutus was (ostensibly) trying to protect the Republic from dictatorship.

Or as Patrick Henry declared of King George II in the Virginia House of Burgesses, "Caesar had his Brutus, Charles the First his Cromwell and George the Third..." At that point he was interrupted by cries of "Treason!" from delegates who easily recognized the reference to assassinated leaders. Henry paused briefly, then calmly finished his sentence: "...may profit by their example. If this be treason, make the most of it."

[Nevernose]

72. Then again...

...wasn't Brutus just replacing one tyrant with another?

[orthogonal]

29. 11/7/19

ATTORNEY GENERAL PALMER COURAGEOUSLY ESCHEWS WARRANTS TO RAID ANARCHO-SYNDICALIST "WOBBLIES"; WILL DEPORT WITHOUT DELAY OF TRIALS

[Tsiyu]

30. 1776

Comparing him to the worst sorts of Terrorists, John Asscroft today sentenced a Virginia man, one T. Jefferson, to prison for the mandatory minimum stay of 456 years for growing hemp, which destroys lives and cuts into pharmaceutical and plastics profits.

[GoodSpud]

31. Feb. 15, 1898

Real headline but it seems to fit.

San Francisco Examiner Feb. 1898

"THE SPIRIT OF WAR PERVADES THE BREASTS OF ALL AMERICANS
Patriotic Citizens Advocate Recourse to Arms to Wreak
Vengance Upon Spain for the Cruel and
Cowardly Destruction of the Maine"

Image at:
http://www.humboldt.edu/~jcb10/spanwar.shtml

Gosh maybe we HAVE been here before....

T.D.P.

[LTR]

121. William Randolph Hearst was the original Rupert Murdoch

His newspapers were propaganda rags. The Examiner was his flagship.

Practically created the Spanish/American war. The original neocon.

Did everything in his power to torch Orson Welles' "Citizen Kane", which was a scathing 'tribute' to the original yellow journalist.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

[Jacobin]

32. In preemptive strike, Hitler neutralizes threat from Poland

Panzers liberate Poles as they dance in the streets.

Liberals in Britain threaten Hitler's bold move.

[keta11]

35. 1863

HAPPY SLAVES STORY NOT BEING TOLD

[StandUpGuy]

73. HAPPY SLAVES STORY

:nopity:

:headbang:

[trekbiker]

37. 9/11/2001

Ailiner brings down WTC.. Clinton's penis held for questioning. Ann Coulter to perform "interrogation"

[hiphopnation]

39. 6/1/88 IN FOX ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

L.A. POLICE CLAIM VICTORY IN DEFENDING BRUTALITY TACTICS ON UPSTART THUGS WITH RELEASE OF N.W.A.'S "F*CK THA POLICE"

(that's all I could come up with quick-like. BRILLIANT thread!! keep em comin!!)

[Sandpiper]

45. March 3, 1991: LAPD Officers Defend Selves from Drug-Crazed Negro

The heroic efforts of Sgt. Stacey C. Koon, Ofc. Laurence M. Powell (Larry Powell), Ofc. Theodore Briseno, and Ofc. Timothy Wind prevented almost certain injury and possibly death at the hands of Rodney King, a black motorist who had grown violent from intoxication on PCP.

[MurrayDelph]

115. Rodney King charged

with impersonating a piñata

[Anarcho-Socialist]

144. Kick!

:kick:

[Sparkly]

40. 9/23/1957

LITTLE ROCK SCHOOL INTEGRATED AS NINE BLACK CHILDREN ATTEND ALL-WHITE SCHOOL: ALL APPARENTLY THE FAULT OF SOME LOCAL KID NAMED BILL CLINTON

[Sandpiper]

41. August 9th, 1974: Washington Post succeeds in Coup D'etat against Nixon

The treasonous writings of insurgents Robert Woodward and Carl Bernstein have successfully orchestrated the overthrow of a democratically elected President, by a political and media elite that he routed in a 48 state landslide.

[Catch22Dem]

52. delete

ON EDIT: SELF DELETE - Sorry Sandpiper, I replied to this post instead of the main topic.

[CO Liberal]

42. Spanish Inquisition Arrives - No One Expects It

After all, no one expects the Spanish Inquisition!!!!!



Source: http://www.montypythonpages.com/

[CatWoman]

60. The Inquisition

The Inquisition (Let's begin)
The Inquisition (Look out sin)
We have a mission to convert the Jews (Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew)
We're gonna teach them wrong from right.
We're gonna help them see the light
and make an offer that they can't refuse. (That those Jews just can't refuse)
Confess, don't be boring.
Say yes, don't be dull.
A fact you're ignoring:
It's better to lose your skull cap than your skull (or your govalt!)
The Inquisition (what a show)
The Inquistion (here we go)
We know you're wishin' that we'd go away.
But the Inquisition's here and it's here to stay!

"I was sitting in a temple. I was minding my own business.
I was listening to a lovely Hebrew mass.
Then these Papus persons plungered and they throw me in a dungeon and they shove a red hot poker up my ass.
Is that considerate? Is that polite?
And not a tube of Preperation H in sight!"

"I'm sittin' flickin' chickens and I'm lookin' throught the pickins' and suddenly thes goyim pull down valls.
I didn't even know them and they grabbed my by the stoghum and started playing ping pong with my balls!
Ooh, the agony! Ooh, the shame!
To make my privates public for a game?"

The Inquisition (what a show)
The Inquisition (here we go)
We know you're wishin' that we'd go away.
But the Inquisition's here and it's here to-
"Hey Toquemada, walk this way."
"I just got back from the Auto-de-fe."
"Auto-de-fe? What's an Auto-de-fe?"
"It's what you oughtn't to do but you do anyway."
Will you convert? "No, no, no, no."
Will you confess? "No, no, no, no."
Will you revert? "No, no, no, no."
Will you say yes? "No, no, no, no!"
Now I asked in a nice way, I said, "Pretty please."
I bent their ears, now I'll work on their knees!
"Hey Toquemada, walk this way. We got a little game that you might wanna play, so pull that handle, try you're luck."
"Who knows, Toq, you might win a buck!"

"How we doin', any converts today?"
"Not a one, nay, nay, nay."
"We flattened their fingers, we branded their buns!
Nothing is working! Send in the nuns!"

The Inquisition, what a show.
The Inquisition, here we go.
We know you're wishin' that we'd go away!
So all you Muslims and you Jews
We got big news for all of yous:
You'd better change your point of views TODAY!
'Cause the Inquisition's here and it's here to stay!

[donhakman]

62. FOX

[orthogonal]

46. 6/15/1215

AT RUNNYMEDE, DISLOYAL "NOBLES" GIVE AID AND COMFORT TO ENEMY BY DEMANDING SO-CALLED "MAGNA CARTA" FROM KING JOHN BY THE GRACE OF GOD, KING OF ENGLAND; WILL UNDERMINE HOMELAND SECURITY BY LIMITING EXECUTIVE POWER, PROVIDING FOR FIXED LAWS, AND WILL OFFEND GOD BY SEPARATING CHURCH AND STATE

[Sparkly]

47. 1675

UNGRATEFUL LOCAL INSURGENT TERRORISTS ATTACK COLONISTS; "WE'RE ONLY TRYING TO LIBERATE THEM!"

[Justice]

48. July 24, 1974

In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court denied Leon Jaworski's petition, ruling that turning over tape recordings of White House conversations could cause Nixon "irreparable harm."

[BigMcLargehuge]

49. Dec 1918

Mysterious "young man's flu" kills hundreds. Surgeon General blames "lifestyle choices" of returning Doughboys for spread.

[hiphopnation]

50. 334 B.C.

SWARTHY SON OF PHILLIP OF MACEDON, ALEXANDER, LIBERATES PERSIA

[keta11]

51. 1969

POLITICIAN'S SON, LT. GEORGE W. BUSH VOLUNTEERS FOR VIETNAM, BUT GOVERNMENT SAYS NEEDS HIM IN TEXAS AIR NATIONAL GUARD

[Jacobin]

53. The Bush administration strikes back against the deceptive media 6/11/04

"The Bush administration strikes back against the deceptive media. I hope you were watching The Factor last night, when we established beyond a reasonable doubt that there were indeed ties between Al Qaeda (search) and Iraq, and that newspaper headlines denying that were misleading and/or downright wrong"

Oh, wait, nevermind, this one is real:

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,123247,00.html

[Catch22Dem]

54. Dec 8, 1941

GOP TURNCOAT JEANNETTE PICKERING RANKIN DEFIES LOGIC AND PATRIOTISM BY BEING THE LONE OPPONENT TO THE DECLARATION OF WAR AGAINST THE AXIS POWERS PROVING ONCE AGAIN, WOMEN DO NOT HAVE THE CAPACITY TO HOLD ELECTED OFFICE.

[CatWoman]

56. 1872 -- Woman jailed for not knowing her place

is in the kitchen, not the voting booth.

[CatWoman]

57. January 16, 1920

Andrew J. Volstead introduces law to keep American "godly".

January 20, 1920

Volstead charged with DUI.

[Sandpiper]

58. 1859: Charles Darwin Publishes Blasphemous "Origin of Species"

[hiphopnation]

59. August 23, 1927 COMMIE KILLERS

SACCO AND VANZETTI EXECUTED....FINALLY!!

[The Animator]

63. Greek Freedom Fighters Launch Bold Covert Operation... Troy Liberated!

Lead by Odesius of Ithica, a small team of Greeks infiltrated the Trojan Defense Perimiter by hiding in a large wooden horse. Once inside, Odesius' team made it possible for the rest of the Greek Army to secure the City. They were met with flowers and people dancing in the streets. No word yet on the status of Helen of Sparta, intelligence indicates that she is a hostage of Paris, Prince of Troy.

Some beleive that Helen is not in Troy. Witnesses claim that she fled with Paris into the countryside before the Greeks even arrived. Many even spectulate that HOS wasn't even the real reason Greece went to war with Troy.

One prominent Greek, who would only speak to us under condition of anonimity said this "Agamemnon, doesn't care about the Queen of Sparta, she was just an accuse to launch this war so that Agamemnon and his cronies could control the Agean Sea." We at Fox News don't beleive that kind of unpatriotic nonsense, Achillies, cause we're Fair and Balanced, there's no room for dissent here.

Despite critisism, and conflicting reports on the where abouts of HOS, Agamemnon, King of Greece had this to say.

"I received intelligent that HOS was in Troy, and I beleive that it's pretty darn good intelligent. Those who would question my motives, I say... there are those among us who would like to re-write history... I like to call them revisioner historivans. We can never forget what Paris of Troy took from us on IX XI, and I pray to Zeus that he will continue to bless Greece."

Zeus could not be reached directly for comment but we did receive a message from Hermes stating that Zeus had know idea what the hell Agamemnon was talking about.

[Catch22Dem]

68. BRILLIANT!!!!

If there's a prize, you win it!!!

[salinen]

65. Rome:

Mr. Galileo Galilee has been detained following an attempt to make the Sun of more importance than the mother planet.

[cosmicdot]

66. 7/14/1789: the French gave the word Freedom a bad name today

... as militant radical leftists storm the Bastille Prison, long the bastion of compassion and justice ...

[Sabriel]

69. Jan. 20, 2001

Bush sworn in as President of the United States, after being legally elected to the office.

[Djinn]

70. TERRORIST OUTRAGE

October 02, 1187

A band of terrorists led by Saladdin, beleived to be one of Osama Bin Laden's deputies, brutally invaded Jerusalem, the only free and democratic area in the Middle East, today.

This unprovoked act is the latest in a series of attacks by Muslim terrorists against our freedom loving allies the Franks.

[Downtown Hound]

74. 1942-U.S. Government reasonably protects Americans

from those of Japanese descent currently living in this country by relocating them to plush and luxurious living quarters.

All reports indicate that the Japanese-Americans were cooperating fully and were thrilled when they saw their new homes, commenting that, "They've never had it so good."

At the same time, young Japanese American males were so grateful to the U.S. Government for their treatment that they enlisted in the army in droves to help fight the Axis, commenting on how impressive the G.I.'s holding the enlistment forms and the big guns were when they signed up.

[immoderate]

75. 1982:

Liberal Press Denies Miracle Nutritional Properties Of Ketchup!

[Anarcho-Socialist]

77. FOX Ticker, September 1939

POLAND HAS WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION - GERMAN SCIENTISTS

GERMAN ARMY LAUNCH PRE-EMPTIVE SELF DEFENSE ATTACK AGAINST POLAND

GERMAN ARMED FORCES START "SHOCK AND AWE" (BLITZKRIEG) CAMPAIGN AGAINST POLISH TERRORISTS

"POLES WILL WELCOME US AS LIBERATORS" - JOSEPH GOEBBELS

"JEWS TO BE RELOCATED IN CONCENTRATION CAMPS FOR DURATION OF CAMPAIGN" - REICHSMARSHAL OF HOMELAND SECURITY

BRITAIN AND FRANCE INFILTRATED BY FREEDOM-HATING BOSHELVIKS - HEINRICH HIMLER

COMMUNISTS IN CHINA ESCALATE ATTACKS AGAINST MANCHUKUO, JAPAN TO SEND MORE TROOPS TO CHINA IN RETALIATION

[soggy]

78. 4/19/95

Bomb destroys ok city federal building, evidence clearly points to Saddam's al Qaida network

[soggy]

79. Oct 28, 1929

"No end in sight for supercharged economy! Conservative economic ideals are beyond reproach!"

Oct 29, 1929
"Strong economy hits speedbump"

[Nevernose]

80. Bomb destroys OK building; Clinton evacuates terrorist's family

n/t

[Anarcho-Socialist]

83. Welcome to DU, soggy!

[soggy]

81. 4/29/04

"Whiny muslims cry foul at first sign of rape by generous liberators"

[efp]

82. OCT 1929

Fox News Analysis: ECONOMY IS STRONG, HOOVER TOUTS RECORD GROWTH. . .

[NewEmanuelGoldstein]

84. 11/4/1948

11/4/1948

Dewey defeats Truman, Not for long says Supreme Court

[Anarcho-Socialist]

85. Welcome to DU! NewEmanuelGoldstein

lol, funny headline

[NewEmanuelGoldstein]

99. thanks

Thanks for the welcome and glad you enjoyed my (lame attempt at a) headline.

[Valerie5555]

86. 4-25-1980 "WEAK" JIMMY CARTER SUBJECTS BRAVE SPECIAL OPS (DELTA) FORCES TO

HUMILIATING MILITARY DEFEAT IN IRAN,IN THEIR ATTEMPTS TO FREE THE "EMBASSY HOSTAGE HEROES". "HABOOB" OR DESERT STORM NOT AT FAULT.

[soggy]

87. 12/12/00

"Activist judges circumvent democracy, overrule people's will in selecting president"

HAH HAH! That one was obviously fake...

just makin sure ya'll are paying attention

[Valerie5555]

88. 1 20 1981

OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE OF IRAN HOSTAGES AND "NATIONAL MALAISE" IS FINALLY OVER.

[donhakman]

89. mystery mushroom clouds

[Nevernose]

92. I've neber seem that picture before

Pretty freaking clever.

[donhakman]

94. Thats cuz I doem myself. All ofum

Rense.com published it briefly until complaints rolled in.

The Bush ship Gigantic took 2 days.

[Anarcho-Socialist]

93. Great pic!

[General Discontent]

142. RULES!

That Rules......

DWolfman

[Swamp Rat]

95. Cannibal Law of 1503 enacted

October 30th, 1503

Queen Isabella sez we can kill them pesky Injun cannibals dat got all our gold.

[Ms. Clio]

96. 12/29/1890 U.S. forces launch attack on terrorist training camp

at Wounded Knee.

Despite our troops' precision targeting, some unavoidable collateral damage occurred, because the cowardly terrorists chose to hide among the civilian population.

[Anarcho-Socialist]

97. 17th C. FOX Ticker

INDIAN SAVAGES TERRORIZE INNOCENT ENGLISH COLONISTS AT JAMESTOWN

DEAD INDIAN WOMEN AND CHILDREN WERE TERRORISTS - ENGLISH GOVERNMENT

LENAPE INDIAN NATION A POTENTIAL THREAT - KING JAMES

ENGLISH FORCES DESTROY INDIAN VILLAGES TO SAVE THEM FROM PAGANISM AND TERRORISM

NEWS CORP ESTABLISH NEWS PAMPHLET IN NEW ENGLAND, TO COUNTER MYTHS SPREAD BY THE PRO-INDIAN LIBERAL MEDIA

INDIANS WORSHIP PRIMITVE GODS AND SO IT IS CHRISTIAN TO KILL THEM AND TAKE THEIR LAND - ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY

FOX NEWS - WE DISTORT, YOU DERIDE

[Ms. Clio]

107. This is great

And actually sounds more or less like the propaganda of the period, and throughout U.S. western history--some things never change.

[Anarcho-Socialist]

129. Thank you kindly n/t

[soggy]

98. January 29, 1991

"Our America-loving President Bush wisely saves countless American lives and avoids complete anarchy by deciding NOT to invade Iraq"

[Anarcho-Socialist]

100. FOX TICKER JUNE 1933

CALCULATION OF GREAT DEPRESSION START DATE TO BE PUT FORWARD TO AFTER THE JANUARY 1933 FRANKLIN. D. ROOSEVELT INAUGERATION - GOP ECONOMISTS

[moondust]

101. June 25-26, 1876.

"Military whiz Custer routs savages at Little Big Horn, unit awarded early retirement."

[VOX]

102. Bearded, long-haired radical finally executed for claiming to be God's son

33 A.D., BREAKING STORY: Longtime leftist Jesus of Nazareth was finally executed today for his outrageous and insistent claim to be the son of G-d.

The tenacious, lean-built carpenter did not go quietly, and put up a furious struggle, mercilessly beating at least 5 centurions senseless, spitting on other other Roman sentries whose only "crime" was to have returned to Judea safely from heroically fighting the Gauls in the Western Provinces.

The wily Nazarene was believed to be the head of a deadly sleeper terrorist cell composed of fierce zealots and revolutionaries known as "The Twelve":

*John - fisherman, from Galilee, aka "The Beloved"
*Thomas - from Galilee, mentally slow to grasp things, aka "The Doubter"
*Matthew - tax collector from Galilee
*James - fisherman, from Galilee, aka "Son of Thunder"
*James, son of Alphaeus - fisherman
*Peter - fisherman, from Bethsaida in Galilee, aka "The Rock"
*Andrew - fisherman, from Bethsaida in Galilee
*Philip - from Bethsaida in Galilee; may be in charge of the disciples' food supply
*Bartholomew - seems to be a friend of Philip
*Thaddeus - from Galilee
*Simon - from Galilee, a revolutionary, anti-Roman-occupation guerrilla warfare fighter/assassin
*Judas Iscariot - associated with Judean revolutionaries, hanged himself

Inside sources say that with the death of Jesus, the cell is in utter disarray and has likely been scattered to remote areas.

[Spentastic]

103. Jan 28 1986

Reagan Astronauts touch face of God after tragic loss of shuttle.

Feb 02 2003

Clinton NASA cuts cause shuttle disaster.

[efp]

104. November 2004

FOX NEWS ALERT: Bush puts nation on "fabulous" hot-pink alert when "terrorists" win back White House

[Spentastic]

105. Pretty good

Welcome to DU!

[efp]

106. Thanks!

:)

[Ms. Clio]

108. Thanks for one of my favorite DU threads EVER! n/t

[Anarcho-Socialist]

109. This is the funniest DU thread I've seen recently

[rumguy]

110. I hope someone has emailed this thread to Faux

[Justice]

135. To Jon Stewart - He'd Use It!!

[Efilroft Sul]

111. Ungrateful Jews Refuse Hitler's Free Train Rides

Also..

Traitorous Liberals Ambush Occupying Troops at Lexington.

[Dark]

112. 9/25/1943

"Reports of abuse of jews exaggerated, taken out of context."

[The Animator]

113. Bush accuses Noah of Arc-Related Program Activities

A nutcase in the desert is building a large boat, and collecting animals.

We spoke briefly with Noah yesterday and he claims to have been instructed by God to build this ship and fill it with a male and female of every species of animal on Earth. When pressed on why he thought God would demand such a thing of him he simply grinned and asked us:

"How long can you tread water? Hahahah"

President Bush placed increased pressure on the UN to step up it's inspection of the land surrounding the crazy carpenters home. Bush beleives that this vessel posses a direct and immediate threat to the National Security of the United States. Secretary of State Colin Powel gave a very convincing presentation to the UN today using the latest satelite surveilance of the region.

"We know where the Arc is, we must go in and destroy it." said Powell, the UN however, remains unconvinced. It appears more likeley that we may not be able to rely on the wishy washy UN to agree with us.

The President of France dared to oppose our will by stating that he beleived the Arc posed no threat to anyone, let alone the United States, ha, well let me tell you Mr French guy... we won't be buying any French's mustard anytime soon!

It certainly looks like we might have to go it alone on this Arc crisis. We spoke with President Bush, and asked if he had any concerns about putting our soldiers lives at risk in order to destroy this Arc he gave the following stirring adress.

"I ask all Americans to recall the horror of September 11th, and now I ask you to image what could occur if new terrorists, now armed with Noah's Arc were to attack our heartland. As for those who would threaten to kill Americans soldiers, I say go for it, in fact I double dog dare ya, and your mothers are all whores if ya don't kill our soldiers... ya buncha fags!..." at that time Carl Rove arrived, bitch slapped the President. Dick Cheney gave him an ice cream cone, and they all left the breifing room.

I tell ya, I can't wait for this war, tune in tommorow for the begining of the Fire and Brimstone campain which has been scheduled to start at 8:00 pm Eastern Standard Time

[Donkeyboy75]

114. 4/19/1993 - Clinton regime kills Jesus and disciples...rapture imminent

President Bill "Antichrist" Clinton today order the FBI to kill Jesus and take his weapons just outside of Waco, Texas. The ultraliberal bloodthirsty cabal wasn't just content with that, however. Clinton and his minions then ordered Jesus's many disciples burned to death. We now await God's vengeance.

[NightOwwl]

116. Hundreds of Stuffed Ballot Boxes Found at Bottom of Florida Swamp

Governor Jeb Bush, known proponent of environmental protection laws, approved their permanent destruction stating “I have always believed there is nothing more important than protecting our natural resources. Burning these ballot boxes guarantees the beauty of our Florida swamplands will be preserved for all future generations.”

[NightOwwl]

117. Anyone else want to play?

:kick:

[Anarcho-Socialist]

118. UK, November 1945

BRITISH SOCIALISTS TO FORCE FREE HEALTHCARE ON TO TERRIFIED GOD-FEARING UK POPULATION

[Anarcho-Socialist]

119. MORE FOX TICKER

FOX FLASH: BILL CLINTON TO BE IMPEACHED FOR HIS PART IN THE JAPANESE BOMBING OF PEARL HARBOR FIVE YEARS BEFORE HE IS BORN.

BILL CLINTON HAS BEEN ACCUSED BY WASHINGTON TIMES ARTICLE OF PLOTTING WITH GAYS TO SPREAD AIDS IN AMERICA

STUDIES BY THE CLUB FOR GROWTH OF 16TH CENTURY PROPHET NOSTRADAMUS BELIEVE THAT THE FOURTH ANTICHRIST TO BE BILL CLINTON'S PENIS

JESUS CHRIST WHO WORKED AS A CARPENTER WAS A SMALL BUSINESSMAN AND WOULD HAVE BELIEVED IN TAX CUTS FOR THE RICH TO STIMULATE ECONOMIC GROWTH - REPUBLICAN STRATEGISTS

O'REILLY FACTOR TO EXPOSE PLOT FOR WORLD DOMINATION THAT INVOLVES CANADA, FRANCE, BILL CLINTON'S PENIS, GAYS AND PORNOGRAPHY - TONIGHT 8/7C

[Anarcho-Socialist]

122. FOX NEWS TICKER 1861-1865

ANTI-SLAVERY STATES "UNPATRIOTIC" SAYS PRESIDENT JEFFISON DAVIS

REBELLIOUS COLOREDS WOULD BE AN "IMMEDIATE THREAT" TO THE SANCTITY OF WHITE WOMEN - CONFEDERATE ARMY STRATEGISTS

"ALL BLACK SLAVES ALL WANT TO RAPE WHITE WOMEN AND MURDER CHILDREN" - CONFEDERATE SECRETARY OF STATE

O'REILLY FACTOR: WATCH TONIGHT 8/7C AS AWARD WINNING JOURNALIST BILL O'REILLY UNCOVERES SECRET UNION PRESIDENT LINCOLN PLOT FOR THE WHITE RACE TO BE ENSLAVED BY COLOREDS.

BIBLE ENDORSES SYSTEM OF SLAVERY AND THAT GOD IS ON THE SIDE OF THE CONFEDERACY SAYS SOUTHERN CHURCH

"HYPERINFLATION OF CONFEDERATE CURRENCY IS THE KEY TO ECONOMIC GROWTH" SAYS DEFIANT PRESIDENT DAVIS

[walldude]

125. Wacko Liberal Vegetarian Scientist

Albert Einstein today revealed another of his anti-Christian anti-creation theories. Some formula about something called relativity. Expect this to be disproved by government scientists any day now...

[NightOwwl]

127. The_Enlightenment...

Too funny!
:bounce:
You should write headlines for "The Onion."

[Anarcho-Socialist]

128. Thank you kindly *(blush)*

Welcome to DU! :hi:

[Liberal_Dog]

123. 1925: Heretical Teacher John Scopes Convicted In Tennessee

America's roots as a Christian Nation confirmed by Tennessee Judge.

[tom_paine]

124. 4/4/68: Treasonous Communist Negro Leader King shot by outraged Patriot

"Unbelievably, charges were filed against Patriot James Earl Ray merely for doing his duty. Liberal media and Elite ignore the wishes of Real Americans, like those who watch Faux Reichsnews, who believe this hero should receive a ticker tape parade."
--Sean Hannity 4/9/68

[Swamp Rat]

130. Ha ha ha!!!

"Terrorists seize B.E.I. Tea." Hahahahaha! "Faux Reichsnews" My stomach hurts!

By the way, we all should send tea bags to the White House.

[Liberal_Dog]

126. 1935: Italian Forces Begin Liberation Of Ethiopia

Ethiopian Regime "An Imminent Threat"-- Mussolini.

[Gore1FL]

131. June 6th 1944

Allied Forces Invade France. German opposition expected to be weak. Forces landing at Omaha Beach expect cheerful greeting complete with flowers, chocolates and American flags.

[jmags]

132. 1982 - God begins killing homosexuals; Tells Reagan, "Don't mind me"

[Anarcho-Socialist]

133. FOX TICKER 1956

LEADERS OF THE LOG CABIN REPUBLICANS ADMIT "HOMOSEXUALITY TO A WICKED SIN" AND WILL BACK THE GOP 1956 ELECTORAL PLATFORM

FOXNEWS ENIVAC CALCULATES THAT 95% OF LIBERALS ARE SOFT ON COMMUNISM

DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE ADLAI STEVENSON HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF "FLIP-FLOPPING" BY GOP PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN

FOX NEWS TELEPHONE POLL RESULTS: SHOULD THE REPUBLICANS BECOME MORE RACIST THAN THE DIXICRATS TO WIN THE SOUTH? YES 96% NO 4%

"ELOQUENT-SPEAKING COMMUNIST HOLLYWOOD STARS SHOULD BE REPLACED WITH PLAIN-SPOKEN GODLY COUNTRY FOLKS" - GOP CAMPAIGN COMMITTEE

FORMER DEMOCRAT AND PATRIOT RONALD REAGAN, NAMED NAMES IN A PUBLIC HEARING ABOUT COMMUNIST SYMPATHIZERS IN HOLLYWOOD

[Nobody]

134. Our Littlest Heros Prepare to Liberate Iraq (the Children's Crusade)

Due to the Liberal Bardic Press' constant harping on the theme of hundreds of troops coming home on their shields or not at all, the remainder of able-bodied men have not responded to the call to arms. The Liberal Bardic Press claims unfairly that there ARE no able-bodied men to go to war to fight terrorism in the middle east.

Thus, King George the Zero-th has instituted a new ROTC policy. Your entry into the professions and possibly the nobility is guaranteed after serving a tour of duty in the army.

All boys over the age of 6 are allowed to join us, we will provide you with the weapons of faith, a sword and shield and the training to use them.

The Liberal Bardic Press we note is not whining about women being sent to the front lines for once. Hypocrites!

SUPPORT THE TROOPS! SUPPORT KING GEORGE! SUPPORT THE WAR!

[Liberal_Dog]

136. August 24th, 1814: British Troops Burn Washington, DC

The Era Of Big Government Is Over

[myrna minx]

137. Salting of Carthage deemed 'good for the environment.'

Bumper crop expected.

[Anarcho-Socialist]

138. Kick!

:kick:

[The Animator]

139. This one is inspired by an old episode of News Radio.

A terrorist strike force launched a vicious attack against a research facility in the Outer Rim today. A great many lives were lost, among them Govenor Tarkin, a month long tribute to his life and leadership to follow this report.

The Emperor has demanded swift reprisals against the evil-doers who struck the recently completed space station as it orbited the Yavin System.

We received an encrypted transmision from a member of this so-called "Rebel Alliance" and they claimed full responsibility for the stations destruction, the unidenitfied speaker babbled on about self defence and reprisal for the destruction of Alderaan.

As you know, that's complete idiocy, Alderaan was destroyed by a comet impact, some say the government of Alderaan encured the wrath of GOD because of their extremeley liberal political tendancies.

Despite the horrible loss of life at the Death Star Peace Platform, there is some good news, Lord Vader, previously believed to be onboard the station when it was destroyed, has in fact returned to Corucsant, he is in good health, and ready to return to active duty.

[Anarcho-Socialist]

140. FOX NEWS TICKER September 1960

"DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE JOHN F KENNEDY IS A FLIP-FLOPPER ON TAXES" CHIDES VICE PRESIDENT RICHARD M NIXON

"JOHN F KENNEDY WILL FORCE ALL OUR DAUGHTERS TO MARRY NEGROES" - STROM THURMOND

"KENNEDY IS A THREAT TO AMERICA; HE WILL ATTEMPT TO MAKE US ALL CATHOLICS AND MAKE OUR CHILDREN WORSHIP THE POPE" - ANN COULTER

"KENNEDY: SOFT ON COMMUNISM, WRONG ON DEFENSE AND WRONG ON DE-SEGREGATION" - NIXON SPOKESMAN

FOXNEWS TELEPHONE POLL RESULTS: IS LYNDON BAINES JOHNSON TOO FAT AND SOUTHERN TO BE VICE PRESIDENT? YES 94% NO 6%

PRESIDENT EISENHOWER: "POLICE ACTION IN VIETNAM IS GOING SMOOTHLY AND WAR SHOULD BE OVER BY CHRISTMAS"

A 14 YEAR OLD BOY OF THE NAME WILLIAM J CLINTON, OF HOT SPRINGS, ARKANSAS IS BEING QUESTIONED ON SUSPICION OF USING HIS CONJUGAL BODY PART TO DESTABILZE THE SOCIAL FABRIC OF ARKANSAS AND THE U.S.

[Anarcho-Socialist]

143. Kick!

:kick:

[taxidriver]

141. 10-03-04 >> renegade terrorist supporting website, DU, abolished.

*sigh*.

[Adenoid_Hynkel]

145. Lincoln caves to "Slave Agenda" and signs Emancipation Proclamation

subheadline: Activist presidency deals blow to states' rights.