Act like a man

[dsc]

A trip down memory lane for some of us sensitive boys and their parents. All quotes are in italics, my text is in regular. Each paragraph is seperate.

http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2004/04/09/sensitive_son/index.html

While the other boys in preschool tossed balls, my son played house with the girls. The boys in the playground climbed the jungle gym; Matt hunted for four-leaf clover in the grass. His friends wanted Power Rangers for their birthdays; Matt wanted a toy vacuum cleaner.

In the beginning, I was delighted by my children's gender-defying personalities. My feminist credentials are impeccable, beginning with ERA marches and a stint at Ms. magazine and continuing through my children's hyphenated last names. So it was understandable that the special wish I made was for an active, tomboy daughter and a sweet, sensitive son. A fairy godmother must have been listening.

I wasn't quite that far but I was close.

My husband, Richard, loved Matt's gentle nature too, but he thought I was dangerously naive. He tutored me on what being a boy is all about, which I can sum up in one word: sports. "It's how they form friendships, it's how they judge each other, it's what they talk about," he said: If a boy is a klutz on the baseball field, the other boys will shun him. What about a boy like Matt, who didn't even want to set foot on the field?

I was pretty bad at sports. In T ball, I had a 0 (zero) average. In a family of athletes I was on the shallow end of that gene pool.

I wasn't surprised by Matt's aversion to soccer (and every other sport), but I was disturbed that he seemed to be the only one. What happens to boys who don't follow the boy script? I remember a fairy tale about a lad who spends his days quietly tending the fire at home instead of going out into the world like the other men. The young man is an outcast, scorned and pitied, but he has a secret: a magic horse hidden in the woods. One day, the king announces that he has placed his daughter atop a glass hill and he will give her hand and half the kingdom to the man who can ride to the top. All the strong princes and knights of the land try, but it is the gentle lad with his magic horse who prevails.

I am not heartened by this story. There is no magic horse in our backyard for Matt.

I wonder what that fairy tale is. I don't ever recall reading one that was like that. I used to day dream in PE that I was a famous lawyer and that one of my bullies was on trial for his life and needed me to defend him. Then I would laugh in his face. The fairy tale is more graceful.

How does it feel, I wonder, to be different from the other boys? Matt doesn't like to talk about these things much. But sometimes at night, as I put him to bed, when I can't see his face and he can't see mine, and my arm is wrapped securely around his warm body with his hand tucked in mine, we talk. I tell him that he feels things more deeply than most people, that being sensitive is hard, but also wonderful. "But Mom," he countered, "what if I'm 17, and a friend asks me to go see 'Lord of the Rings' with him, and I'm still too scared to go?" Oh baby, you'll toughen up way before then, I said, but I was glad for the darkness that hid my tears.

It is hard not to cry reading this. Some of my earliest memories was of how alien I felt with other boys my age. I just didn't fit and was cursed with being smart enough to know that. I never asked my parents a question like that but I often wondered if I would ever fit in with anyone, anywhere.

What if that fairy godmother, the one who was listening when I wished for my backwards children, comes again? What if she offers to reverse my wish, what would I say? I would keep my daughter exactly the way she is. But my son? Would I wish him to give me a high five instead of rubbing his cheek softly against mine? Would I wish him to spend afternoons shooting hoops instead of baking brownies? Would I trade his sensitivity for a sense of belonging, his gentleness for acceptance? He wouldn't be Matt anymore, of course. But would I make that trade, if I could be assured he would have an easier life ahead of him?

This says alot, doesn't it. My dad, to his everlasting credit, let me be me. He didn't force me to play baseball when I decided to quit. He didn't make me play other sports. He let me do music, and excell in school. I am forever grateful for that, but I wonder if just what his answer to this question would be.

It is a thought provoking article and can be read with one of those day passes. It is sad to see that even in San Franscisco in the 21st century, we still have boys who can't be themselves. Will it ever change?

[TexasMexican]

1. sports arent everything.

as long as the boy has a nice healthy like of sex and violence he'll grow up alright.

[seabeyond]

2. what a beautiful story

i have that son too, he is working on 9 and oh what a love he is.

we honor that who he is, we embrace the gift he is. just pure lite.

would i ask for a son otherwise, not even. i do have him in an enviroment of private religious school, so he is more protected from the harshness of the world and his fellow students appreciate who he is. it is challenging at times with the sports, but then he gets on well with the girls and all the boys like him, they just dont play the games with him on the playground.

love to the beauty of this boy..........

[dsc]

3. that is sweet

This boy and yours sound so sweet. I encourage you to read the whole piece if you haven't already. They did find a sport he likes and it should help him take care of himself. Good for you though.

[Wapsie B]

4. Parts of this

sound like me.

[Occulus]

10. Same here.

Except the part about the parents wanting a sensitive, kind kid. I got punished and shunned for exactly the things this kid does.... and my parents stood by and watched it happen, even participating in it themselves and later completely destroying everything I was trying to build in college. From the earliest I can remember to now, being sensitive and gentle has gotten me little but "doormat" writ large in the middle of my forehead.

I think I'd give just about anything to have been "normal" growing up. My parents did not like the fact that I have feelings and a heart. When I complained about getting teased and picked on, my mom would tell me it was because I was different from the other kids, and I would either just have to accept getting that kind of treatment, or just try to be more like the other kids; there's wasn't any such animal as self-validation in my home. In many ways, love, caring, and compassion were things I grew up giving, but not too terribly often receiving in return.

If parents want a jock, "normal" kid, hell-raiser, they will shun and torment a gentle child just like the other kids that child has to deal with every day. Strictly because I was gentle, didn't like making fun of people, didn't like doing mean things.... I was shunned, not only by the people around me, but by my own parents as well. Nearly every day for as long as I can remember I got my face shoved in the dirt at school and then held there when I got home.

The "my kid ain't gonna be no sissy" attitude is damaging beyond repair to the child. I'm going to stop now, but I could go on and on and on....

[dsc]

17. In a very real sense you are a prisoner of the culture war

Those of us who are gay are close to uniquely dependent on the other side of the culture war given that our parents are on the other side at least in potential. When the history of this war is written, people like you are going to be honored far above people like me and deservedly so. You are a true hero in this war, and I for one, thank you for it. Just by keeping on, keeping on you are helping our cause immeasurably.

[Wapsie B]

18. But it's not even about

being gay necessarily. I'm hetero and consider myself a gentle person.

[Occulus]

19. and you're right

it's not just about being gay; all sensitive males in our society are seen as effeminate/"not man enough". This is, in part, why so many people here and now support the Iraq war and our pResident: he "acts like a man," or at least to them appears to.

The bluster and swagger of acting "like a man" has a time and place, but the world stage is definitely not it.

[Wapsie B]

20. Yes.

We're taught to hit first and ask questions later. That's the only way they'll respect you. Get into a fight with a kid rather than having the sense to walk away. And people wonder why this world is as screwed up as it is.

[Occulus]

22. but do you know

there really is a time and a place to draw the line, say "enough is enough," and just take a good, hard swing. My only wish is that I had realized that sooner in life; perhaps then I wouldn't have been physically tossed into a trash can outside in 5th grade by a big xrowd of kids while the playground monitor, a school employee, watched and laughed.

[dsc]

23. I admit to regretting not being more physical myself a time or two

Being trashed sucks, I had it happen to me too. The one thing I will say is that you may have been harmed physically if you had hit. You survived and are here, that is what counts.

[dsc]

5. kick

[drfemoe]

6. Sensitivity

is not necessarily celebrated by our culture where women are concerned, either. Anything out of the "norm" makes our society nervous. Pity.

http://www.hsperson.com

If you find you are a highly sensitive person, or your child is, then you need to be aware of the following points:

This trait is normal--it is inherited by 15 to 20% of the population, and indeed the same percentage seems to be present in all higher animals.

Being an HSP means your nervous system is more sensitive to subtleties. Your sight, hearing, and sense of smell are not necessarily keener (although they may be). But your brain processes information and reflects on it more deeply.

Being an HSP also means, necessarily, that you are more easily overstimulated, stressed out, overwhelmed.

This trait is not something new I discovered--it has been mislabeled as shyness (not an inherited trait), introversion (30% of HSPs are actually extraverts), inhibitedness, fearfulness, and the like. HSPs can be these, but none of these are the fundamental trait they have inherited.

The reason for these negative misnomers and general lack of research on the subject is that in this culture being tough and outgoing is the preferred or ideal personality--not high sensitivity. (Therefore in the past the research focus has been on sensitivity's potential negative impact on sociability and boldness, not the phenomenon itself or its purpose.) This cultural bias affects HSPs as much as their trait affects them, as I am sure you realize. Even those who loved you probably told you, "don't be so sensitive," making you feel abnormal when in fact you could do nothing about it and it is not abnormal at all.
...

[dsc]

13. I never knew this

I often wondered just what my problem is in that I feel emotions so intently. I just figured it was a mental thing, thanks for pointing this out.

[DemLikr]

7. Thankyou for posting this DSC. I was very moved by it also

when I first read it the other day. It touched me to the core and caught the essence of my childhood also.

Part of my problem was that I liked Barbie dolls AND baseball, so when I was warned to stay away from the former I was able to cover somewhat convincingly by participating in the latter, which I see now only prolonged the mental anguish of coming out over a 35 year period.

Bless you, my friend. :)

[dsc]

9. I guess I never thought of it that way

I know when I was a kid I would have given my eye teeth to be better at sports and more manly. I actually worked hard at fitting in when I was in high school. I was an encyclopedia of stats on sports so I could fake being into them. But, as often is the case, the grass on the otherside always is greener, at least until you get there.

[oneighty]

8. Sigh.

This gentle story and Massenet's-Thais playing now on my music box is a wonderful combination of love and dreams and beauty.

Thanks. 180

[Rowdyboy]

11. Thanks

I can relate on so many different levels...

[dsc]

12. You're welcome

I had it shown to me on another board and decided to pass it on.

[dsc]

14. kick

[dsc]

15. kick

[Rowdyboy]

16. kick

[slinkerwink]

21. kick to your kick