Fiscally I'm A Right-Wing Nutjob, But On Social Issues I'm Fucking Insanely Liberal

[Ken Burch]

(Snip)

It's all about striking a balance, really.

Take finances. It is my opinion that all taxes whatsoever should be abolished, and that everything relating to money in any way should be privatized, including the minting of coinage. Thus, each American should have his own system of currency and his own bank named after him to maintain that currency, and anyone whose personal currency system fails in the unfettered free market should be left to die bleeding and penniless in the street, with his family crying helplessly at his side. Also, corporations should be able to buy whatever and whomever they want, and at the end of every year the richest and most powerful corporation should be allowed to physically demolish 15 other corporations that it wishes to see destroyed, murdering all of the various employees of said corporations in any way it sees fit. I guess you could say I'm a fucking nutcase conservative when it comes to this kind of stuff, but I do believe it's an ideology that has its limits.

For example, when it comes to a social issue like gay rights, my opinion is that gays and lesbians should be afforded extra rights under the law, as I believe they are descended from an immortal race of beings whom we must revere as the ancient Sumerians would have revered their god An. All Americans should spend four hours of every workday erecting elaborate temples in which to worship our omnipotent homosexual overlords, and we all must sacrifice ourselves willingly upon the altar of the gay and lesbian community, everyone of us, including children, who, by the way, I think should be eligible to drink, drive, and vote from age four on up.

However, if those same children get sick, then I believe it is their sole responsibility to pay for their own health care. Children should not be coddled with the support of their parents' hard-earned money, and it's up to them to finance multimillion-dollar procedures with their own pluck and determination. And children who can't handle that should be thrown immediately into debtor's prison, performing menial tasks until they have paid back their debt to society and are once again ready to participate in our robust free-market economy. But at the same time, we must make sure that whatever prison they are sent to has plasma-screen TVs and Wi-Fi in every cell, and that the inmates are encouraged, by highly paid professional psychologists, to express their feelings in improv role-playing classes and short-fiction workshops. Because if I even suspect that prisoners are receiving anything less than top-shelf treatment, I'll be the first to show up with a picket sign marching for their rights. Rapists and murderers are people, too—just as cats and dogs are.

(end snip)

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(alright, it's from The Onion...just wanted to see how many people would read this far...)



http://www.theonion.com/articles/fiscally-im-a-rightwing-nutjob-but-on-social-issue,20486/

[Monk06]

1. My first thought when I clicked

I am a libertarian who believes in the best possible worlds it's every man for himself
and to hell goes the hindmost. If you don't succeed it's because you chose not to and
if you live under a bridge that's a life style choice.

But on social issues, I'm a liberal.

That's a classic RW troll strategy. It amazes me that they think people will actually
believe that shit.

[Scuba]

2. I thought it was a Ron Paul opinion piece. n/t

[Fuddnik]

3. My first thought also.

Rand Paul would be even crazier.