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A conference room at McCain headquarters. Legendary billionaire T. Boone Pickens has been invited to help the Senator screen the first examples of his new, more assertive ad campaign.
Ad Exec: I’ll start the presentation as soon as we’re finished booting up the computer, gentlemen.
T. Boone Pickens: These guys any good, John Boy?
Senator McCain: The best. Same ones that beat the stuffing out of Kerry in ‘04.
Pickens: I thought you told everybody you weren’t gonna go negative.
McCain: They promised me these would be positive.
Pickens: leans back in chair. I gotta see this.
Ad Exec: Looks like we’re ready to go. This first promo is based on the success of the Gingrich-sponsored campaign about drilling. Where his slogan is ‘Drill Here. Drill Now. Pay Less’, we’ve further simplified that, and punched it up a bit. Let’s take a look:
On the screen: a closeup of Old Glory, waving in the breeze. The Battle Hymn of the Republic plays, softly, in the background. Against the backdrop of the flag appears, in enormous white letters:
Drill.
A second later, the rest of the message:
Happy.
Followed by a photo of a smiling McCain, with the legend:
Hero.
Fadeout
Pickens: Am I imagining this, or did you leave out the candidate’s name?
Ad Exec: That was intentional. When you think about it, the only place it’s absolutely necessary is on the ballot. From a promotional standpoint, it’s better if the public thinks of the candidate as “Hero.” A single word. More impactful.
McCain: I suppose I could change it legally. You know what I like about that ad? It’s not negative.
Pickens: It’s not anything. There’s no content at all.
Ad Exec: Market research suggests that content actually detracts from the message. Besides, this candidate is known for getting straight to the point.
McCain: Well, I really like it.
Ad Exec: Maybe we should move on to the next one. Now this is designed to appeal to the younger voters. The idea is to incorporate youth-themed material.
On screen, a sequence of fast cuts of urban scenes. Against this gritty background, a woman with long hair appears. To a heavy hip-hop beat, she sways her hips and begins to rap in a high, clear voice:
Woman Rapper:
You wanna be hip. You don’ wanna be a zero. Get yo ass downtown, and vote for the Hero.
Don’ matter if you smart, don’ matter if you dumb, All ya need is ID. And a finger or a thumb.
If you vote our way, we’ll buy you a gyro, Or a pizza if you want. Put the tab on the Hy-ro.
A horde of dancers appear, begin break-dance routines. Music crescendos, then softens. As it does, the following appears on screen, superimposed on a photo of a smiling McCain:
It a thug world. We be needin’ us a Hero.
Fadeout.
Pickens: aghast Who in the world was that woman?
Ad Exec: Enya. Our consultants determined she has crossover appeal to young moderates. Killing two stones with one bird, so to speak.
McCain: I am getting really excited!!
Pickens: Me too. Where’s the toilet?
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