The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 347

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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 347

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 347

August 4, 2008
Ad Hominem Edition

This week John McCain (1,2,3,4,8,9) goes buck wild with a series of unintelligible attack ads. Meanwhile Ted Stevens (6) goes to court, and Bill O'Reilly (10) starts to worry. As usual, don't forget the key!

John McCain

Midnight on "The M Floor," McCain Campaign Headquarters, Arlington, VA. John McCain is conferring with his closest advisers.

JOHN McCAIN: (putting on a stern face and speaking as if reading a teleprompter) Gentlemen, we have work to do. Here's the situation. The enemy has scored big victories in the Middle East and Europe, and we are surrounded and outnumbered. We need to get on the offensive, and fast. The best defense is a good offense, right Rick?

RICK DAVIS: You got it. (gives McCain the thumbs-up)

McCAIN: I thought as much. Now listen, friends. What the hell are we going to do?

STEVE SCHMIDT: It's simple. Karl Rove teaches us that in situations like this we must attack the enemy where he is strongest.

McCAIN: If only we had more troops. Damned deserters - (clenches fists)

DAVIS: Take it easy John, we'll deal with them later. They won't get away.

JOE LIEBERMAN: (jumping up and down in his chair) This is great! What can I do to help?

SCHMIDT: Er - how about grabbing us some coffee Joe, could you do that?

LIEBERMAN: Sure thing Steve! I'll be right back!

(he leaves)

SCHMIDT: (clears throat) As I was saying, we must attack Obama where he is strongest. So where is he strongest?

McCAIN: The economy?

DAVIS: Health care?

McCAIN: Iraq?

DAVIS: Afghanistan?

McCAIN: Gas prices?

DAVIS: The environment?

(they pause to think)

McCAIN: Taxes?

DAVIS: Education?

SCHMIDT: (slaps forehead) I was thinking more along the lines of his popularity. You see, senator, you are, how can I put this, not that popular with the American people any more.

McCAIN: What? Since when?

SCHMIDT: I can't recall exactly, sir, it was probably sometime between "make it 100" and "bomb bomb Iran." Forget it. My point is that we need to take that uppi... uh, that guy down a peg or two. He's way too popular.

McCAIN: That bastard. (wags finger at thin air) I see you, Barack Obama! I see your game! I used to be the one they liked. Me! And then you come along, Mr. Hoity-Toity High-and-Mighty, with your huge crowds and your winning smile and your good ideas! Bastard!

(McCain stares into space)

DAVIS: How do you propose we do this?

SCHMIDT: With a campaign ad. Here's the pitch. Ad opens with a shot of two hundred thousand people cheering Barack Obama in Germany. We then cut quickly to pictures of Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. Voiceover: "He's the biggest celebrity in the world." We cut again to video of Obama waving and smiling, looking presidential, as the crowd loudly chants his name.

DAVIS: I'm really not sure about this -

SCHMIDT: - and the rest of the ad is just the usual BS about him being inexperienced and wanting to raise everybody's taxes. The end.

(Davis considers the proposition for a moment)

DAVIS: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life.

SCHMIDT: I know, the media will love it!

(the door opens)

JOE LIEBERMAN: Did anyone want sugar?

SCHMIDT: No thanks Joe.

LIEBERMAN: You got it Steve! Coffee coming right up!

(he leaves)

DAVIS: (shaking his head) I dunno about this Steve. Won't the visuals just make Obama look good? Plus I think Paris Hilton's parents are donors to the campaign -

SCHMIDT: Ha ha! Yeah, sure. Nice try Rick. Next thing you'll be telling me ole grandaddy Hilton donated $50,000 to the RNC. As if.

McCAIN: (coming around) - and I'll follow him to the gates of hell. (smiles). What?

SCHMIDT: We were just talking about your new campaign ad where you compare Barack Obama to Paris Hilton and Britney Spears.

McCAIN: (immediately becoming crotchety) Hold on there my friends. From what I remember, I'm not supposed to be getting involed in shenanigans. I think I have it written down here somewhere. (pats pockets, draws out an envelope marked "Principles - Do Not Lose") Ah yes, here it is. (opens envelope, takes out paper, puts on reading glasses, squints, holds paper at arms length) "Overheated rhetoric and personal attacks on our opponents distract from the big differences between John McCain's vision for the future of our nation and the Democrats'. This campaign is about John McCain: his vision, leadership, experience, courage, service to his country and ability to lead as commander in chief from day one. Throughout his life John McCain has held himself to the highest standards and he will continue to run a respectful campaign based on the issues. We expect that all supporters, surrogates and staff will hold themselves to similarly high standards when they are representing the campaign." Didn't you write that, Rick?

DAVIS: Er -

SCHMIDT: (interrupting) Words, sir, just words. The media barely cares about what the campaign said last week, let alone four months ago. It won't be a problem.

McCAIN: And another thing, up until recently, didn't I refer to myself as a celebrity on my very own campaign website, which would open me up to charges of rank hypocrisy?

SCHMIDT: (appearing slightly frustrated) Well we can easily delete that. I'm sure nobody will notice.

McCAIN: And a third thing - won't this ad just make me look like a desperate political hack, lacking in ideas, and out of touch with the people?

SCHMIDT: (getting angry) Dammit, sir! Do you want to be a maverick all your life? Or do you want be president?

McCAIN: (sullenly) President.

SCHMIDT: I can't hear you, Senator! Do you want to be a maverick, or do you want to be president? You can't have it both ways!

McCAIN: President!

SCHMIDT: That's better. Now why don't you take a nap while Rick and I get started on this ad.

(they leave)

(McCain nods off)

(the door opens)

JOE LIEBERMAN: Coffee is served! Hello?

John McCain

Just one day after airing their spectacularly lame Hilton/Spears ad, the McCain campaign was flinging more poo in Obama's direction. According to the Washington Post:

Was it Barack Obama, who not so subtly pointed to John McCain and seemingly accused him of trying to scare voters by drawing attention to the fact that Obama doesn't look like (read: he is African American) all the other presidents? Or was it McCain's campaign, which cried foul over Obama's statements with such vehemence that race became the story of the day on all the networks, in all the papers and on all the blogs?

McCain campaign manager Rick Davis and Obama chief strategist David Axelrod continued to argue the question of who played the race card on the Friday morning shows. Davis blamed Obama; Axelrod blamed Davis.

"We were reacting to what Barack Obama himself said about John McCain," Davis said on NBC's "Today Show." "And I think we were perfectly within our rights to protect our candidate and to point out that we're not going to lay down for these kinds of tactics.

Gosh, it appears to be a simple case of he-said-he-said. How can we possibly know who is right? Let's just say they're both right!

Alternatively, we could look at the facts.

Last Thursday, the McCain campaign released this statement: ""Barack Obama has played the race card, and he played it from the bottom of the deck. It's divisive, negative, shameful and wrong."

How did he do this? According to MSNBC:

The statement refers to this Obama line yesterday: "So nobody really thinks that Bush or McCain have a real answer for the challenges we face, so what they're going to try to do is make you scared of me. You know, he's not patriotic enough. He's got a funny name. You know, he doesn't look like all those other Presidents on those dollar bills, you know. He's risky. That's essentially the argument they're making."

So where on earth did Obama get the idea that the McCain campaign wanted to make him look risky and not like "all those other Presidents on those dollar bills?" Oh, I dunno...

JUNE 2008

Gee... maybe it's because the McCain campaign actually put Obama on a dollar bill in one of their campaign ads.

Nah, must be the race card.

John McCain

The Britney/Paris ad wasn't the only dose of political ipecac dispensed by the McCain campaign last week - in fact, the campaign released several other "web videos" which cable news happily ate up and regurgitated every thirty minutes or so. Along with "Barack Obama Is A Celebrity" there was "The Media Loves Barack Obama," "Barack Obama Hates Latinos," "Barack Obama Doesn't Support The Troops," and "Barack Obama Can Part The Red Sea," among others. If this is McCain's idea of a respectful campaign, I'd hate to see him run a negative one.

So how did McCain's new strategy go over? Let's check the reviews...

Results of a national study conducted today among 320 Americans revealed that a majority of Republicans (61%), reported that they were disturbed, skeptical and saddened after viewing a new ad by John McCain, which likens Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. -- HCD Research

As The Ticket noted previously, P.H.'s ma and pa, Kathleen and Richard Hilton, have donated the $2,300 maximum to the McCain operation. But there's a lot more Hiltons around apparently, including Gramps Hilton (William B.), who is the vast hotel empire's co-chair. And according to Martin Eisenstadt's blog, he's been quite the generous donor to the tune of more than $50Gs to Republican campaign operations.

Not only that, he reports, but members of the Blackstone Group, the private equity group that bought into Hilton Hotels last year, have also been generous GOP donors. And Marty says they've expressed themselves angrily to McCain representatives in recent hours. -- Los Angeles Times

"People complain about it -- they should just relax and enjoy it." -- Joe Lieberman

At a town hall meeting today, he was asked by a young woman if he had "flip-flopped" on his vow to avoid "mudslinging." "Comparing him (Obama) to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton? Like, I was like O-Kayyyy."

"There are differences and we are drawing those differences," McCain replied. "What we are talking about here is substance and not style. We are talking about who has an agenda for the future of America."

"Campaigns are tough," he added. "I am proud of the campaign that we have run... We're proud of that commercial." -- Wall Street Journal

Sen. John McCain may be "proud" of the Paris Hilton/Britney Spears ad released this week, but his feisty 96-year-old mother apparently disagrees.

Roberta McCain was a featured guest at a McCain campaign event on Thursday afternoon at the Mayflower Hotel in Washington DC. The Huffington Post obtained some audio of an exchange after the event where Mrs. McCain is asked about the Paris Hilton ad.

"Oh, well, I didn't see it -- I think it's kinda stupid," she says. "I'm just too old-hat for it. In fact, the other two, I didn't even know who they were." -- Huffington Post

John McCain

It was revealed last week that John McCain has been keeping a little secret about his campaign's response to Barack Obama's overseas trip. According to Business Week:

What the McCain campaign doesn't want people to know, according to one GOP strategist I spoke with over the weekend, is that they had an ad script ready to go if Obama had visited the wounded troops saying that Obama was... wait for it... using wounded troops as campaign props. So, no matter which way Obama turned, McCain had an Obama bashing ad ready to launch. I guess that's political hardball. But another word for it is the one word that most politicians are loathe to use about their opponents - a lie.

Elsewhere on the McCain campaign trail last week: we all know how fond the senator is of insisting that he will never raise taxes, never, not ever. But last week, McCain appeared on "This Week" and said, "I don't want tax increases. But that doesn't mean that anything is off the table."

Whoops! Conservatives were not happy. It's okay though because just days later McCain said, "I want to look you in the eye. I will not raise your taxes nor support a tax increase. I will not do it." So that clears that up. He's definitely not going to increase anyone's taxes, unless he does.

The Wall Street Journal

More signs that the media has way too much time on its hands... this was actually published in the Wall Street Journal last week:

Too Fit to Be President?
Facing an Overweight Electorate, Barack Obama Might Find Low Body Fat a Drawback

Speaking to donors at a San Diego fund-raiser last month, Barack Obama reassured the crowd that he wouldn't give in to Republican tactics to throw his candidacy off track.

"Listen, I'm skinny but I'm tough," Sen. Obama said.

But in a nation in which 66% of the voting-age population is overweight and 32% is obese, could Sen. Obama's skinniness be a liability? Despite his visits to waffle houses, ice-cream parlors and greasy-spoon diners around the country, his slim physique just might have some Americans wondering whether he is truly like them.

Really? Maybe Obama isn't old enough, bald enough, white enough, or angry enough to be president either. Oh, if only there was a candidate more like that in the race...

Ted Stevens

It seems you can't have an election these days without a big-time Republican getting himself indicted. Last week it was the turn of Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK). According to Reuters:

Veteran Republican U.S. Sen. Ted Stevens was charged on Tuesday with concealing more than $250,000 worth of gifts, including home renovations, that he received from an Alaska oil services company, the Justice Department said.

The Alaska politician, who has served 40 years in the Senate, was charged in a federal grand jury indictment with seven counts of making false statements on his Senate financial disclosure forms from 2001 to 2006, the department said.

Stevens pleaded not guilty to the charges and according to MSNBC, "received an unusually speedy trial date." How nice. Meanwhile his fellow Republican senators - including Sen. Elizabeth Dole (R-NC) and Sen. John Sununu (R-NH) were scrambling to return tainted money that they'd received from Stevens.

So how did the media react to all this? Let's just say that Fox managed to make their usual "mistake"...

Jim Adkisson And His Mentors

Last week Jim Adkisson walked into the Tennessee Valley Unitarian Universalist Church during a children's play and opened fire with a shotgun, killing two people. According to the Associated Press:

A four-page letter found in Jim D. Adkisson's small SUV indicated he intentionally targeted the Tennessee Valley Unitarian Universalist Church because, the police chief said, "he hated the liberal movement" and was upset with "liberals in general as well as gays."

And according to the Knoxville News Sentinel:

Adkisson targeted the church, (Knoxville Police Department Officer Steve) Still wrote in the document obtained by WBIR-TV, Channel 10, "because of its liberal teachings and his belief that all liberals should be killed because they were ruining the country, and that he felt that the Democrats had tied his country's hands in the war on terror and they had ruined every institution in America with the aid of media outlets."

Adkisson told Still that "he could not get to the leaders of the liberal movement that he would then target those that had voted them in to office."

Now where could he have gotten those crazy ideas?

Inside (Adkisson's) house, officers found "Liberalism is a Mental Health Disorder" by radio talk show host Michael Savage, "Let Freedom Ring" by talk show host Sean Hannity, and "The O'Reilly Factor," by television talk show host Bill O'Reilly.

Cast your minds back for a moment to the massacre at Virginia Tech last year. Here's what Michael Savage had to say at the time:

Mr. Savage, whose harsh comments about homosexuality resulted in his dismissal from MSNBC in 2003, sneered audibly as he referred to Mr. Cho as "a senior in English," drawing out the word for emphasis, and as "Comandante Cho." Mr. Cho, who was born in South Korea, moved to the United States with his family in 1992, when he was 8.

"This kid was brainwashed over there," Mr. Savage said. Later he added that "the only reason" Mr. Cho "was walking the streets was because liberal scum have for 30 years handcuffed the police and the people of this country and made us hostages in their drama."

And here's Bill O'Reilly on the same subject:

Bill O'Reilly could not bring himself to put aside his crusade against the left for even one day to allow all of us, united, to process the senseless tragedy at Virginia Tech. O'Reilly and Bernard Goldberg thought it was perfectly fine to connect Rosie O'Donnell and Liberals to the tragic event in a negative way. The slurs continued with Goldberg explaining his "Fox Derangement Syndrome" caused by FNC's fair and balanced policies.

O'Reilly showed a clip of Rosie O'Donnell discussing the need for stricter gun laws for non hunting weapons. Goldberg in a nasty tone claimed that "three seconds after the last shot was fired" liberals were talking about gun control. Then he made it seem like conservatives were being victimized because they want everyone to have guns to defend themselves not just the lunatics.

Yet after dedicating hours of TV and radio time to the reasons behind the Virginia Tech shootings, Savage, Hannity, O'Reilly, et al, remain curiously silent on Jim Adkisson's motives.

I wonder why?

John McCain

Ladies and gentlemen, it's official - just as Rudy Giuliani ran to become president of 9/11, so John McCain is running to become president of the surge. Last week, during a Q&A session with members of the National Urban League, McCain suggested that "military strategies currently employed by US troops in Iraq could be applied to high crime neighborhoods here in the US," according to ABC News.

McNUTS: And some of those tactics - you mention the war in Iraq - are like that we use in the military. You go into neighborhoods, you clamp down, you provide a secure environment for the people that live there, and you make sure that the known criminals are kept under control. And you provide them with a stable environment and then they cooperate with law enforcement, etc, etc.

Sounds great. Who needs better education and economic opportunities when a few tanks will do the job?

Presumably McCain will now be applying the surge strategy to other domestic issues. Look for new ads from the McCain campaign in the coming weeks...

John McCain and John Rich

Hey, remember when Barack Obama drew a crowd of 75,000 in Oregon a few months ago? Thanks to Newsbusters (mission statement: "Exposing & Combating Liberal Media Bias") we learned that:

From CNN to the New York Times, the media hyped Barack Obama's Portland, Oregon rally on Sunday, some comparing him to a rock star. Unmentioned in national reporting was the fact that Obama was preceded by a rare, 45-minute free concert by actual rock stars The Decemberists.

Meanwhile, according to the Chicago Tribune:

Some conservative bloggers have been circulating claims that a warm-up concert by a German band may have been partly responsible for the more than 200,000 people Berlin police estimated attended a Barack Obama rally in their city.

Which is odd, because John McCain has been going around telling everybody that Barack Obama is "the biggest celebrity in the world." But never mind that - let's turn our brains off for a moment and assume that these conservative bloggers are right. People don't go to political rallies to see politicians, they go to see musicians. And John McCain has been using this fact to his advantage. According to the Washington Post last week:

"Can I get a yee-haw?"

With that, country music star John Rich launched into a spirited "Country First" concert on behalf Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) tonight featuring his number-one hit "Lost in This Moment with You" and the debut of a song he had written especially for the presumptive GOP nominee, "Raising McCain."

Sounds great! So, given that McCain was supported by this bona fide, number-one-hit-having country music star, I expect the crowd was up there in the tens of thousands, right?

The free concert, sponsored by the Florida Republican Party, attracted several hundred people including a fan sporting a homemade T-shirt saying, "Don't let the USA become an Obama-Nation."

I see. Oh well, at least John Rich managed to give the conservative crowd a dose of straight talk during his performance.

Before playing Johnny Cash's "Walk the Line," he declared that the song was tantamount to a McCain endorsement.

"Somebody's got to walk the line in the country. They've got to walk it unapologetically," he said. "And I'm sure Johnnny Cash would have been a John McCain supporter if he was still around."

And now for the punchline...

Actually, Cash backed Democratic president Jimmy Carter.

Bill O'Reilly

And finally, say what you like about Bill O'Reilly - he's a man of the people. Always fighting for Joe Sixpack, that's our Bill. But don't just take my word for it - the Denver Post's blurb for O'Reilly's literary masterpiece Who's Looking Out For You? calls it, "An appealing and occasionally moving book. (O'Reilly) emerges here as a feisty ... defender of the little guy."

Bill continued to defend the little guy last week with a classy op-ed in the Washington Times.

If Sen. Obama becomes President Obama, my taxes will go up, way up. But I know neither Argentina nor anyone else will cry for me, because I am the rich guy Al Gore warned you about, the one who got all those tax cuts from the evil Bush administration.

Yes, I am part of the 1 percent of Americans that paid an astounding 40 percent of all federal income tax in 2006. According to recently released Internal Revenue Service figures, about 50 percent of my fellow Americans paid no federal income tax at all that year. My fellow 1-percenters and I covered for them.

Isn't that generous? I'm glad Bill wrote this op-ed, otherwise the underprivileged might never know the many ways in which he's looking out for them.

However, it seems that there is trouble brewing in paradise. Under a Barack Obama presidency, the top 1% - that's Bill's tax bracket, as he just reminded us - will have to pay more taxes.

But for some it is still not enough. Mr. Obama believes in "income redistribution," a concept practiced by Robin Hood of Sherwood Forest.

Good analogy, Bill! I think everyone can recall how, according to legend, the monstrous Robin Hood stole from the hapless Sheriff of Nottingham and his downtrodden buddy King John before "redistributing" their wealth to those greedy, ungrateful peasants.

While Mr. Hood was prancing around the forest in his tights, the hereditary aristocracy were generously providing small patches of dirt outside their castle walls for the little guy to grow vegetables in. And so what if that meant all the vegetables belonged to the top 1%, and the little guy was left with nothing but scraps? If those lazy peasants had stopped lounging around and pulled themselves up by the bootstraps then one day they might have been able to live in castle too.

Bill continues...

President Obama and a Democratic Congress will likely dole out entitlements like free health care, child care and cash payments to anyone who falls under a certain income level, no matter their circumstances. That means people who drink gin all day will get some of my hard-earned money. Folks who dropped out of school, who are too lazy to hold a job, who smoke reefers 24/7 all will get some goodies in the mail from Uncle Barack and Aunt Nancy, funded by me and other rich folks.

There will be no drug testing, no background checks, no accountability for those receiving the government's largess. If you're an American citizen (or even an illegal alien) who doesn't make much money, you'll get stuff.

There is something unsettling about that.

Really? There is something "unsettling" about the idea of providing health care and child care to poor people? I'd say there's something "unsettling" about the idea that this country - the richest country in the world - is home to millions upon millions of people who have to choose between medicine or food, while rich assholes like O'Reilly sit around in their mansions complaining about how they're being sucked dry.

But what the hell do I know. After all, I'm not a multi-millionaire with my own TV show and direct access to the Washington Times opinion page. So come on people, give Bill O'Reilly a (tax) break. Remember, he's not thinking about himself - he's looking out for you.

See you next week!

-- EarlG