HARPER'S WEEKLY REVIEW

[Kire]

WEEKLY REVIEW

Peter Schoomaker, the Army's top general, revealed that
the United States was developing a plan to keep at least
100,000 soldiers in Iraq through 2009. Senator Chuck Hagel
(R., Nebr.) called the plan "complete folly." "It would
further destabilize the Middle East," he said. "It would
give Iran more influence, it would hurt Israel, it would
put our allies over there in Saudi Arabia and Jordan in a
terrible position." President George W. Bush had yet to
meet Iraq war protester Cindy Sheehan, even though Bush is
on vacation and presumably has the time. "I think it's
important for me to be thoughtful and sensitive to those
who have got something to say," said Bush, "but I think
it's also important for me to get on with my life." It was
reported that Bush was losing his mind, and a man in
Columbus, Georgia, was in trouble for smearing feces on
his body and walking through a mall. A fourteen-year-old
German boy was ordered to tear down the 300-foot-long
roller coaster he had built in his back yard. In Iraq ten
people were shot dead north of Baghdad, a family of five
was killed by gunmen in Samarra, and the U.S. military
denied bombing a wedding party in Hit. In Afghanistan four
more U.S. soldiers were killed, bringing the year's total
to 65. In Richmond, Virginia, a sale on used laptops led
to 17 injuries and one woman wetting herself.

Secret documents revealed that Jean Charles De Menezes,
the Brazilian electrician killed as a terrorist by
police on a London train, was not carrying any bags,
was not wearing a bulky winter coat, and did not jump any
turnstiles. He was, however, still shot seven times in the
head. Victoria Beckham, also known as Posh Spice, said
that she had never read a book in her life, although she
had written a 528-page autobiography. A file folder
describing the affirmative-action work of Supreme Court
nominee John Roberts went missing from the Reagan Library
after it was reviewed by White House lawyers, and it was
revealed that Roberts had once refused a request from
Michael Jackson for a special letter of commendation from
the Reagan White House. A study found that white people
tend to get better, more thorough health care than
African-American people. Metropolitan Theofilos became
Orthodox Patriarch of Jerusalem, replacing Patriarch
Irineos I, who was ousted after leasing property in East
Jerusalem to those looking to increase the Jewish presence
there. The last of Gaza's Jewish settlers left their homes
on armored buses. Canada was considering sanctions against
the United States after it refused to comply with a NAFTA
ruling in favor of the Canadian lumber industry. In
Victoria, Canada, methamphetamine addicts were stealing
large numbers of bicycles because disassembling the bikes
soothes them while they tweak. Robert Moog died, and
Chinese authorities were criticizing the televised
Mongolian Cow Sour Yogurt Supergirl Contest for its
worldliness.

In Kansas Dennis Rader, the B.T.K. serial killer, was
sentenced to ten consecutive life sentences; he will be
eligible for parole in 2180. Rader believed that his
victims would serve as his slaves in the afterlife,
performing roles like "sex toy and boy servant." Japanese
scientists were able to control the direction a person
walked by using a handheld remote control. Proponents of
the theory of "intelligent design" continued to insist
that their ideas regarding the origin of life had merit,
and hundreds of people in Florida attended a museum
exhibit of preserved corpses encased in silicon. In
Edinburgh, Scotland, 10,000 bagpipers piped against
cancer, and in Switzerland a historically important
boulder called Unspunnenstein was stolen by
French-speaking separatists. In Germany a man drowned
while trying to get his fishing pole back from a fish; a
police spokeswoman described the fish as "ordinary."
Elephants rampaged through a resort town in Zimbabwe,
destroying homes, mice were being taught to surf in
Australia, and a toad infestation struck Big Sandy,
Montana, and made the roads sticky. A
seventy-eight-year-old Georgia woman, angry that her
eighty-five-year-old ex-boyfriend was cheating on her,
shot and killed him with an antique handgun. "I'd do it
again," she said. Sioux Falls, South Dakota, banned cage
fighting without a permit.

-- Paul Ford

Permanent URL for this column:
http://harpers.org/WeeklyReview2005-08-23.html

General URL for the latest Weekly Review:
http://www.harpers.org/MostRecentWR.html