Haggard Begins Spiritual 'Restoration'

[NVMojo]

good grief!!

DENVER (AP) -

There will be prayer, and perhaps the laying on of hands. There will be counseling and a confession. And there will be advice, confrontation and rebuke from "godly men" appointed to oversee the spiritual "restoration" of the Rev. Ted Haggard.

After tumbling from the pinnacle of the American evangelical movement amid allegations he snorted meth and cavorted with a male prostitute, Haggard has agreed to a rehabilitation process that could last three to five years.

"I see success approximately 50 percent of the time," said H.B. London, vice president for church and clergy at Focus on the Family, the conservative Christian ministry in Colorado Springs. "Guys just wear out and they can no longer subject themselves to the process."

Those who fail "end up selling cars or shoes or something, and being miserable and angry the rest of their lives," London said.

Haggard was president of the National Association of Evangelicals and senior pastor of the 14,000-member New Life Church in Colorado Springs until last week, when a Denver man said Haggard paid him for sex nearly every month for three years and sometimes took methamphetamine during the encounters.

more...

http://www.lasvegassun.com/sunbin/stories/nat-gen/2006/nov/08/110807772.html

[swag]

1. "the laying on of hands." Who could complain about that?

[Joe Bacon]

23. Please, Mr Whipple, don't squeeze the Charmin!

hmmm a bunch of men in a closed room???? :evilgrin:

[progressivebydesign]

37. Don't you mean: Please dont' squeeze the charlatan?? n/t

[saigon68]

40. Please don't sgueeze, the thermometer

it might rise

[MissMillie]

43. Isn't that what he paid for?

Now he gets it for FREE? Guess he should have come out sooner!

[judaspriestess]

53. Will there be a "happy" ending

since he will have hands layed on him?

[Phredicles]

2. "Laying on of hands"???

I thought that's what got him into this mess! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

I keep worrying this crowd is going to put The Onion out of business.

[TexasLawyer]

12. LOL!!!

That tripped me up too. And might there also be speaking in tongues? the rending of garments? anointments with oil? self-flagellation?

oh dahling!

[lumpy]

42. Best laugh of the day, Phredicles

Kudos

[lapfog_1]

3. Never have truer words been spoken

"end up selling cars or shoes or something"... evangelical preacher dudes are nothing more than used car salesmen, only not as honest. Con men, basically.

[spancks]

11. Yeah, because using hatred and fear to separate people

from their money in the name of "God" is so much more worthy an occupation than something honest like working retail.

[OrangeCountyDemocrat]

4. "I'M SOOOOOO SOOOOOOO SORRRRRRRREEEEEEEEE"

Makes me think of Swaggart, I think that's who it was, that broke down crying for having sinned.

"Forgive me oh lord, for I have sinned against thee."

Yeah....that ought to work.

[AlCzervik]

5. 'Restoration' is a euphemism for straight camp right?

[grytpype]

6. Will this cure him of Teh Gay?

[Tellurian]

55. No, but I bet he'll be using Ben Gay

for those sore achey muscles...soooo many hands....so little time..


achew!

[corporatemedia]

7. Sounds like the wrong METHod to me. n/t

[ljm2002]

8. These guys are beyond despicable...

...just listen to the arrogance in this statement:

"I see success approximately 50 percent of the time," said H.B. London, vice president for church and clergy at Focus on the Family, the conservative Christian ministry in Colorado Springs. "Guys just wear out and they can no longer subject themselves to the process."

Those who fail "end up selling cars or shoes or something, and being miserable and angry the rest of their lives," London said.

Yessirree Bob, they either stick it out with these self-appointed advisors and their "spiritual restoration" programs, or they slink away and become miserable failures for the rest of their lives.

Oh, for a third alternative, where the sinner actually sees the light of reason and frees himself or herself from the claws of these faux spiritual leaders and learn to stand up on their own two feet and finally, at long last become simply human.

[codjh9]

9. Yeah, he and Mark Foley are probably 'restoring' each other in rehab n/t

[spancks]

10. Please refrain from lumping a tormented, closeted gay man...

...(hypocritical bigot though he may be) in with a sexual predator. It's not funny, nor is it appropriate in any context.

[TexasLawyer]

13. I love your avatar!

I think your 50s pipe man and my perky 50s lady could be friends!

[spancks]

14. Thanks!

That's Jr. "Bob" Dobbs. I'm sure he and your perky 50's gal would hit it off just fine!

[TexasLawyer]

16. Dang, my lady doesn't have a name

-- yet--

OK, after at least 6 seconds of deep thought (and borrowing your rhymed name idea) I shall name my lady...

Vivian Oblivian.

[spancks]

17. That's hilarious!

:rofl: Vivian Oblivian - I love it!

BTW, I didn't make up "Bob's" name. He's the icon and central "figure" of the Church of the SubGenius - sort of the 80's version of Flying Spaghetti Monster, but much more byzantine in its level of parody.

[Barrett808]

48. Yes, "Bob" IS a sex god

http://www.subgenius.com

[crikkett]

21. Yes, Haggard is too old for Foley.

[0007]

25. Is age a priority to be on top?

[radfringe]

15. sounds like

restoration is just another word for rehab... ;)

chuckle... above the article at the link is an add for a Pardee Homes -- the little flash banner thingy on it says "GO STRAIGHT to Acacia"

[truthisfreedom]

18. heh. it's pure comedy. the guy is a junkie. put him in treatment. as far as

being gay goes, let him enjoy that when he gets out of treatment. maybe if he accepts it, he won't need the meth.

besides, he'd make a great car salesman. he certainly doesn't belong in religious leadership. he's about as effective as a bush in the presidency.

[GeorgeGist]

19. How futile...

when it's his ego, not his soul, that is malignant. Best wishes, Ted.

[crikkett]

20. So he too is going into rehab.

Three years though? Ouch.

[CJCRANE]

22. The guy was a pastor

he's been in church most of the time, more of the same brand of "spirituality" won't help him.

[Joe Bacon]

24. Are they going to sing Randy Newman's "Pants" song?

:evilgrin:

[Flammable Materials]

26. 50% Success Rate

"Guys just wear out and they can no longer subject themselves to the process."

Welcome to Haggard's Holy Hyundai and Miracle Mitsubishi. "If you drive it off the lot, it's a MIRACLE!"

[Teaser]

27. Bill Maher was right

self-hate is the greatest love of all.

For the rest of his life Haggard will be dreaming of sweet, sweet cock.
Ted, just be who you are.

[Cass]

28. Haggard needs real therapy not a bunch of religious freaks haranguing him.

Haggard needs real help in coping with his drug addiction, and he needs help in accepting that he's gay or bisexual. This restoration stuff won't provide the therapy this man needs.

[donsu]

29. true

nt

[dkofos]

30. And when it is all said and done Haggard will still be GAY

[LeftHander]

31. waterboarding too....nt

[yellowcanine]

32. Not sure "laying on of hands" is a good idea. Isn't that where the trouble started?

That touchy feelie stuff might not be a good idea for a guy who apperently has the self control of a billy goat.

[Akoto]

33. I feel sorry for him.

Sorry, but I really do.

He's refusing to accept who he really is, and this "treatment" he's facing is nothing but hatred for his nature being spewed at him. In the end, it's not going to work, and he'll just emerge from it bitter and broken. I pity him.

Some mercy these evangelicals have.

[DrunkenMaster]

34. stop wasting your empathy

This waste of oxygen has ruined lives with his vile, hate-filled rants. Pity those innocents who comitted no hypocrisy but who have had lives ruined by the homophobia and intolerance that he promoted while living a secret life. Pity Haggard? Never.

[ToolTex]

35. Or he will kill himself.

But I doubt it, most of these fundies are too selfish for that approach. Usually it is just the younger gay religiously reprogrammed that off themselves.

[VegasWolf]

36. Does this mean that Haggard will no longer be a METHadist? nt

[progressivebydesign]

38. What Haggard needs.. is some drug intervention, a nice apt. and new wardrobe.

I think his best bet is to start a new life based upon who he really is... he needs to kick the meth first, it'll kill him.

[superconnected]

39. They're trying to cure a 1. Meth Addict, 2. Gay man

I know meth addiction is very hard to cure. They really should have trained professionals on that one.

Gay, even when looked at as an 'afflicition', just doesn't strike me as smth that's going to go away.

[Ex Lion Tamer]

50. Not sure he's a meth addict.

Doesn't have any of the noticeable signs.

Seems he was just using the meth to enhance his santorum-making.

[noonwitch]

41. They need to get Bob Larsen to pray that gay demon out of him!

None of this hands-on, prayer circle stuff is going to work. That homo demon must be exorcised from Haggard!

Still, the mental image I get from this idea is not of "The Exorcist", but more of Phil Collins at the end of his "Miami Vice" episode, as the televangelist con man, driving the deaf demon out of his sidekick.

[Jeffersons Ghost]

44. K&R

[maxrandb]

45. "Restoration" is the new "Rehab" n/t

[GoddessOfGuinness]

46. How much do you want to bet, that after he's "rehabbed"...

...he gets into the rehab biz himself?

[Tellurian]

56. Of course, The Religious Right have a built in clientele..

Brilliant...a restoration 'oasis' in the Halls of Congress. Room B..

will this be televised?

[Az_lefty]

47. Restoration process, meaning "Gay Cure"...

if Haggard subjects himself to this he's out of his mind. He should just walk away and find a new job.

[bamacrat]

49. LOTS OF METH, MMMMM METH

[aint_no_life_nowhere]

51. Financial restoration of his pipeline from the golden goose?

His share of the profits of the mega-church must be worth more than a small amount, and I'm sure that losing that cash flow is occasionally on his mind these days.

[DesertRat]

52. I wonder if restoration is like an exorcism?

Why does it take 3 to 5 YEARS? :wtf:

[ekelly]

54. This bit caught my eye:

Those who fail "end up selling cars or shoes or something, and being miserable and angry the rest of their lives," London said.

So, gay people can't be happy or successful?
And selling cars or shoes is now linked to a miserable life?

I suppose so........raking in millions of $$$ from people who sometimes can't really afford to give is a much better job, eh?