Reply #22: It's not the money, it's the quality of care... and nursing homes can be REALLY BAD.

[demodonkey]

It's not your inheritance you need to worry about. Worry about the quality of care your mother will get in a nursing home vs. your home.

There may be some good nursing homes somewhere but they are scarce as hen's teeth. And if your mother means anything to you at all, you will not have a day's peace while she is in a bad one. Nursing homes, in general, are for-profit (even the so-called nonprofit ones) and money comes before patients in my experience. They are notoriously understaffed and patients' lives can be in danger because of this.

My mother was in and out of nursing homes from 2006 to 2009 for therapy for stroke and broken hip (although thank God she is alert and aware and doing great mentally.) She was in at least 5 different nursing homes and EVERY SINGLE ONE was lousy. I never slept a night through while she was in one of these places, worrying that she would end up dead, which she nearly did on several occasions. And my only brother DID DIE at age 49 while in a nursing home for therapy for a broken shoulder!

Here is some of the stuff that happened to my mother:
-- Developed high fever due to cellulitis that went untreated for four days even though I was there every day and alerted nursing staff that she was sick; by the fourth day she had to be rushed to the largest teaching hospital in our region and was gravely ill.
-- TWO sets of false teeth lost. (very expensive loss)
-- Glasses taken from her the day she was coerced into signing documents while she couldn't see. I had to go to two governmental agencies to undo what she signed and she never did get her glasses back. Had to buy new ones (approx. $100)
-- Nursing home threatened her with JAIL over bill they claimed was unpaid.
-- Sheriff with gun visible on his person stood over her bed and served her with papers for a bill they claimed was unpaid. She was terrified.
-- Nursing home refused to return her clothes and other belongings because they claimed a bill was unpaid. Said they would sell these items on ebay and deduct from her bill (this is ILLEGAL!) They later sued her and because she couldn't afford any attorney they won a judgment against her (nothing deducted for her clothes and belongings BTW) even though her insurance was never billed and should have covered.
-- She was fondled by male resident who has dementia while she lay helpless in bed.
-- Did not receive appropriate wheelchair (in ANY nursing home she was in)
-- Fell out of bed on several occasions.
-- Did not receive the therapy she was in there for nor did she receive referral to any place where she could get treatment needed. Still in pain from an unrepaired broken hip.
-- Doctor she was assigned to for therapy did not have a clue as to what a Physiatrist is (doctor of physical medicine and rehab.)
-- Staff left medical bills and other very private documents in plain sight on her nightstand for anyone to see.
-- AND MORE

My 49 year-old brother who had Asperger's syndrome went into another nursing home for therapy for a broken shoulder. While there he developed TWO concurrent drug-resistant infections, his blood sugar when to 1700 (about 100 is normal) and he died of septicemia and brain hemorrhage. He was AGE 49 when he died. I really can't go into this more; it is too painful to write this tonight.

My mother is now home since March 2009; I am taking care of her. I am happy to say that she is doing great (except that in all these places she never got the treatment she needs for the unrepaired broken hip and she is still in constant pain for which we are still trying to find help. ) She is happier with life now (other than the pain) and I don't have to wake up in the middle of the night and worry every night.

It is sometimes hard to take care of a disabled person, but there are rewards. BIG rewards and I don't mean anything monetary!!

If you go the nursing home route, be prepared to watch your mother constantly. Visit frequently (every day if possible) and take note of everything you can. The squeaky wheel gets the grease, although I have to warn you nursing homes and hospitals HATE squeaky wheels. But when your mother's life is on the line you can't afford to be "nice", you HAVE to speak up and even when you do it's still no guarantee she will receive safe care.

OTOH, caring for a dementia patient safely at home can be nearly impossible (again thank God my mother's mind is good) so you are going to have to weigh your options very carefully.

Good luck.