The Terrorists Can't Get Here Soon Enough

[Zomby Woof]

There have been three major terrorist attacks on U.S. soil in the past 15 years (and one of them homegrown by a vet of the first adventure in Iraq, for fans of irony). The premise that the neocon sandbox fiasco in Iraq would somehow prevent another one - a premise absurd and nonsensical to most of us - still provides tons of Goebbelsian fodder for Bush and the Talking Points Robots of the Right and their minions in the media. It was hilarious when we first heard the line "We have to fight the terrorists over there so we don't have to over here!" Now it's reached a level not even satire or ridicule can do justice, but what the hell - I'll do it injustice anyway.

Is the threat of transplanted terrorism just more fearmongering? Is it some kind of perverse negative reinforcement, designed to motivate us to support the Iraq Quagmire based on the spectre of dodging roadside bombs on our daily commute? Here in L.A. there is no roadside bomb that couldn't be promptly disposed of by a few carjackers, random taggers, and the occasional fleeing white Bronco. A terrorist would be just one more asshole stuck on the Santa Monica freeway with the usual 300,000 others. (You can adjust this paragraph to fit your hometown. Go ahead, try it.)

What really cracks me up though, is that this tired mantra of the 'terra-ists comin' to get ya' is often quoted and believed by the deluded wingnut crowd. Aren't they the same ones who brag about how many semi-automatic weapons they fondle each night in bed, and how our freedom depends on all of us god-fearin' patriots being absolutely armed to our eyebrows?

What exactly is the problem here?

You'd think the gun-sniffers would welcome some domestic insurgent insertions into American Soil. "Bring 'em on!" they'd say. Fueled by the kind of cheerleading fervor only Sean Hannity can provide, it would be lock and load time! Hell, these Fox-soaked mongoloids ought to be sporting mighty Big Boners of Death for the chance to shoot a few terrorists lurking behind their backyard fences.

So what, even inexactly, is the fucking problem here? Bush, Cheney, O'Reilly, even Laura fergawdsake... all constantly warning us of the dangers of premature withdrawal (a method reportedly favored by the Pope) - leaving even the half-brained among us mystified about why the possibility of waves of undocumented terrorist immigrants pouring over our shores should fill us with just enough fear and apprehension that maybe, just maybe, we will support whatever it is they are doing. If they only knew what that was.

America is armed beyond our collective teeth and well into the glass of Polident. America should welcome the terrorists and teach them a thing or two about random violence. America should do all of that and more - but clearly the camo-wearing backwoods warriors who believe that they represent the Home of the Brave, who believe what Bush, Petraeus, and Neil Cavuto tell them, are actually just chickenshit cowards after all. Exposed, by the Very Big Lie that if we "don't fight the terrorists over there, we'll have to fight them over here." For fans of irony this doesn't disappoint, but for fans of satire, I failed, as it is truly and finally, as dead as Bush's brain.