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Reply #45: Actually, yeah, I am pretty happy, all things considered. [View All]

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calimary Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-28-09 05:19 PM
Response to Reply #40
45. Actually, yeah, I am pretty happy, all things considered.
Edited on Sun Jun-28-09 05:22 PM by calimary
And thank you for the kind words! :hug:

My husband has his own misadventures, family-wise.

Oh well... what can you do? His parents are gone now, too. His mother had really horrendous alcoholism issues early-on, and he bore the brunt of that from her. His dad was emotionally cold for a long time before he finally started getting in touch with his own feelings, and his work kept him at the office late (although he was not the cheating type, either). But my guess is that she resented that a lot, being left alone at home all the time with all those kids and no help.

All you can do, I guess, is just try not to let history repeat itself. Awareness is key. And as little judgmentalism as you can manage. Yeah, they fucked up. They fucked up on you. They very likely didn't know what they were doing in that regard, and HEAVEN FORBID any of 'em would go get counseling or something. Back in their day, in the "perfect" Ozzie and Harriet '50's, that just wasn't done in polite society. And you just never had problems, anyway. :rofl:

You just shrug and move on. Forgive me for a coarse statement here, but what got me through a lot of it, especially later when I knew a lot more and was trying to come to peace with it, I'd tell myself "just do it like the drunks do: one day at a time." So "do it like the drunks do" became a mantra for me. It helps, of course, to remind oneself of one's own multiple imperfections while you're busily trying to figure out how badly you're judging other people. :shrug:

Probably informed my love of writing, too. I'd write a lot about things I was trying to get a handle on. Exploring your feelings by writing about them is quite enjoyable for me.

I did have some really nice validations in the midst of all this - daughter who thanks me (and us) for the way she was brought up, and how lucky she was and is, now that she's away in college and seeing how so many other people struggle. She's a budding psychologist and works with troubled kids and people in prison. And son, who was at the music store the other day, schmoozing with people. The store manager pulls me aside, telling me he was watching our boy and marveling. He's a BRAND NEW dad himself and told me he hoped that when his son is my son's age, that he's just like mine. Talk about being floored! Your kids represent you to the world. So you wanna at least TRY to make sure they turn out as okay as you're somehow able to help them be.

I just hope when I get to the outside of the Pearly Gates I can tell St. Peter honestly that at least I tried.
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  -Ladies, if you knew your dad slept around while married to your mom... xultar  Jun-28-09 04:01 PM   #0 
  - I had a brother who was born one month before me  CatWoman   Jun-28-09 04:04 PM   #1 
  - Bet.  xultar   Jun-28-09 04:42 PM   #21 
  - My ex has a brother who was born 4 months after him.  OmmmSweetOmmm   Jun-28-09 05:45 PM   #59 
  - I spent minutes staring at your post wondering, "how is that biologically possible?"  HamdenRice   Jun-29-09 10:10 AM   #96 
  - my father waited until he was 60, couldnt get it up, and blame mom  seabeyond   Jun-28-09 04:08 PM   #2 
  - My problem is my mom. She can't get over it. I'm trying to get her to get into  xultar   Jun-28-09 04:22 PM   #9 
     - Your mom isn't acting childishly...  colinmom71   Jun-28-09 04:58 PM   #32 
     - I talk to her about counseling every day. I'm gonna take your reading suggestion  xultar   Jun-28-09 05:35 PM   #56 
     - I was going to suggest  MuseRider   Jun-28-09 06:07 PM   #65 
     - my mom never drank. she started drinking. quit eating. went to therapy and they gave her drugs  seabeyond   Jun-28-09 08:44 PM   #78 
  - I have two opposing thoughts here.  noamnety   Jun-28-09 04:10 PM   #3 
  - So sorry, posted in the wrong place! (nt)  colinmom71   Jun-28-09 04:49 PM   #24 
  - I'm still wondering what affect it will have on my sons when they find out about their mom's affair  villager   Jun-28-09 04:13 PM   #4 
  - For me it was huge. I don't know why. I'm hoping that your boys don't have  xultar   Jun-28-09 04:18 PM   #5 
  - How could you NOT let it impact you?  Raine1967   Jun-28-09 04:18 PM   #6 
  - Thank you. Oh my mom plays a huge role in this whole thing. She won't  xultar   Jun-28-09 04:28 PM   #14 
     - ROFL!  Raine1967   Jun-28-09 05:23 PM   #47 
  - You are not nutz.  travelingtypist   Jun-28-09 04:22 PM   #7 
  - Thank you. I had those same issues as a kid but with an extended relative.  xultar   Jun-28-09 04:30 PM   #15 
     - That sounds like a solid, sensible plan.  travelingtypist   Jun-28-09 04:42 PM   #20 
  - yes, we knew at a young age that our father cheated on mom . . .  ellenfl   Jun-28-09 04:22 PM   #8 
  - Did your dad know you figured it out?  xultar   Jun-28-09 04:46 PM   #23 
     - i don't know. we never discussed it that i recall. but then,  ellenfl   Jun-29-09 08:14 AM   #89 
  - Sorry about his callous response to you.  salin   Jun-28-09 04:24 PM   #10 
  - Yup still together. It is true that my dad has this 'it's all about me' thing  xultar   Jun-28-09 04:52 PM   #26 
     - That sounds like a wise approach  salin   Jun-28-09 04:56 PM   #29 
  - You can't help how you feel, so if it did have an effect on you  OKNancy   Jun-28-09 04:26 PM   #11 
  - I'm mad cuz still afterall these years he's still talking to the woman. Even  xultar   Jun-28-09 04:57 PM   #31 
  - No but I'd lose a lot of respect for my dad. Which is very sad.  Inspired   Jun-28-09 04:26 PM   #12 
  - I have. I can't tell him that cuz I think it'd hurt him. I think he can figure it out though.  xultar   Jun-28-09 05:00 PM   #34 
  - I would have had a very hard time with it  get the red out   Jun-28-09 04:27 PM   #13 
  - My dad was a serial cheater. Kept company with several other woman.  calimary   Jun-28-09 04:32 PM   #16 
  - Wow. Sorry to hear that but my story is the same but with a twist.  Mandate My Ass   Jun-28-09 04:52 PM   #27 
  - Hey, what can you do, she said, shrugging again.  calimary   Jun-28-09 05:06 PM   #38 
  - It's funny what little kids key on. Your sister was abandonment.  xultar   Jun-28-09 05:11 PM   #42 
  - Wow! Great post. Congratulatinos on your 33+ marriage. Sounds like  xultar   Jun-28-09 05:07 PM   #40 
  - Actually, yeah, I am pretty happy, all things considered.  calimary   Jun-28-09 05:19 PM   #45 
  - Infidelity  MuseRider   Jun-28-09 06:37 PM   #70 
     - VERY true. They don't call it a messy business for nothing!  calimary   Jun-28-09 11:59 PM   #87 
  - Trust, abandonment, sure it has an impact.  EFerrari   Jun-28-09 04:34 PM   #17 
  - I need to work on forgiving my dad. I wish my brother were here in GA  xultar   Jun-28-09 05:19 PM   #46 
     - I really hear that because I didn't have any sibs to help me deal with them.  EFerrari   Jun-28-09 05:24 PM   #48 
  - Somehow you have to get to the point where you forgive your dad for YOUR sake  nini   Jun-28-09 04:36 PM   #18 
  - I told him today so I think I can let it go. It was time and today was the day.  xultar   Jun-28-09 05:25 PM   #49 
  - You have every right to your feelings.  demmiblue   Jun-28-09 04:39 PM   #19 
  - You have every right to be mad  ayeshahaqqiqa   Jun-28-09 04:43 PM   #22 
  - My father was faithful to my mother for 40 years  undeterred   Jun-28-09 04:49 PM   #25 
  - Yes, OMG that is rare. I don't think any of my relatives have had faithful  xultar   Jun-28-09 04:54 PM   #28 
     - oh that is sad. i have more people in my family that have had no cheating  seabeyond   Jun-28-09 09:37 PM   #86 
  - Hi My Friend  goclark   Jun-28-09 04:56 PM   #30 
  - Thank you. Great post.  xultar   Jun-28-09 05:30 PM   #53 
  - I wonder whether marriages suck "because of infidelity," or...  InvisibleTouch   Jun-28-09 04:59 PM   #33 
  - Possession?  mamaleah   Jun-28-09 05:05 PM   #37 
  - I don't advocate lying and sneaking around...  InvisibleTouch   Jun-28-09 05:26 PM   #51 
     - I guess I look at it more self-lessly  mamaleah   Jun-28-09 05:32 PM   #54 
        - One can write one's own vows -- nobody is "locked" into a relationship.  anneboleyn   Jun-28-09 09:04 PM   #81 
        - It's not that hard.  seabeyond   Jun-28-09 09:33 PM   #84 
  - You might enjoy Against Love: A Polemic by Laura Kipnis  Sisaruus   Jun-28-09 05:57 PM   #60 
  - I couldn't disagree with your post more. People know what they are getting  xultar   Jun-28-09 06:10 PM   #67 
  - Yup kinda like  mamaleah   Jun-28-09 06:18 PM   #69 
  - 15 yrs in hubby and i amazed is so easy. both of us like our marriage, enjoy marriage.  seabeyond   Jun-28-09 09:04 PM   #80 
  - It's your model for relationships but not your only one.  wickerwoman   Jun-28-09 05:00 PM   #35 
  - Going forward starts today. You are right about that.  xultar   Jun-28-09 06:07 PM   #64 
  - What about those whose Mom slept around while married to their dad  UndertheOcean   Jun-28-09 05:03 PM   #36 
  - I saw this after I posted my reply below  pipi_k   Jun-28-09 05:16 PM   #44 
  - I could be wrong but imho, it's not about men or women  EFerrari   Jun-28-09 05:26 PM   #50 
  - I think it is the same thing. If my mom had done it I think it would have been  xultar   Jun-28-09 06:05 PM   #63 
  - i dont think it matters much on the gender, do you? not  seabeyond   Jun-28-09 09:07 PM   #82 
  - It would certainly have an impact on me if I knew one of my parents were not faithful to the other.  mamaleah   Jun-28-09 05:07 PM   #39 
  - "Boys will be boys" - the response of a total asswipe.  Rabrrrrrr   Jun-28-09 05:09 PM   #41 
  - I know right! I told him that he said it today. I think it shocked him.  xultar   Jun-28-09 06:04 PM   #62 
  - In my house, it was the opposite problem  pipi_k   Jun-28-09 05:14 PM   #43 
  - his vow was taken with his wife...not you...I can appreciate that. I think in some  xultar   Jun-28-09 06:03 PM   #61 
  - Here are some interesting numbers. Infidelity is very common.  JDPriestly   Jun-28-09 05:29 PM   #52 
  - "Monogamy Myth" Straight up. Thanks for the numbers and the link.  xultar   Jun-28-09 05:44 PM   #58 
  - UNTIL YOU ARE IN THAT SITUATION YOU REALLY CAN'T JUDGE =  southernyankeebelle   Jun-28-09 05:33 PM   #55 
  - Oh I'm not judging mom. She needs help though. Seriously.  xultar   Jun-28-09 05:37 PM   #57 
  - please stop yelling.  anneboleyn   Jun-28-09 09:07 PM   #83 
     - i figured  seabeyond   Jun-28-09 09:34 PM   #85 
  - you are not crazy at all  dana_b   Jun-28-09 06:08 PM   #66 
  - I do the cold shoulder good. I'm also a champ @ walking away.  xultar   Jun-28-09 06:48 PM   #72 
  - Ir's YOUR choice - you can CHOOSE to "get over it" and lead YOUR OWN LIFE  TankLV   Jun-28-09 06:11 PM   #68 
  - It happened a long long time ago, but  asjr   Jun-28-09 06:40 PM   #71 
  - These things are complicated  Blasphemer   Jun-28-09 07:06 PM   #73 
  - That wasn't the most important factor, although it certainly had an influence.  LWolf   Jun-28-09 07:29 PM   #74 
  - Yup. I've come to realize that platonic is good. Unless it is Vin Diesel  xultar   Jun-29-09 09:14 AM   #95 
  - he did cheat, it did affect me  fortyfeetunder   Jun-28-09 07:58 PM   #75 
  - For me it's caused huge commitment issues 1. I don't want it to happen  xultar   Jun-29-09 09:05 AM   #94 
  - I have a half brother born of an affair my dad had  Skittles   Jun-28-09 08:01 PM   #76 
  - Looks like you gained something good at least. That's kinda cool.  xultar   Jun-29-09 08:45 AM   #92 
  - My half-brother on my dad's side  PSzymeczek   Jun-28-09 08:37 PM   #77 
  - My dad cheated on my mom for years  tammywammy   Jun-28-09 08:49 PM   #79 
  - I love my dad. He's been a great father, I just feel that I let his actions  xultar   Jun-29-09 08:43 AM   #91 
     - I had that coversation too!  tammywammy   Jun-29-09 11:21 AM   #97 
  - How about this?  Bucky   Jun-29-09 12:08 AM   #88 
     - Thanks Bucky. I'm feeling much lighter today!  xultar   Jun-29-09 08:39 AM   #90 
        - Hope we helped you to feel better  goclark   Jun-29-09 08:46 AM   #93 

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