Reply #100: You say some things that are very true in my case

[MikeH]

First-borns tend to align with authority, unless they had a lot of conflict with their parents.

I myself am the firstborn of five children. When I was younger, in my teens and twenties, I was very conservative, certainly in personal tastes, lifestyle, and values, and to a certain extent in politics.

For instance I came of age during the 1960's and 1970's, and I did not share the liking that most people in my generation had for the rock-and-roll type of music. And I was in other ways very uptight.

I had some problems in high school with some difficult peers. That had much to do with my becoming uptight, and not liking rock-and-roll. I didn't want to like the kind of music that "they" liked. (Though unfortunately I found myself liking the same music my father liked.)

I had a very strong-minded, dominating father. When I was young I pretty much was not able to have my own thoughts about things, if such thoughts were against those that my father had. He was very easily offended, and I tried very hard not to offend him. I wanted to think that even if he was strong-minded and even dominating, he was basically good and basically had my best interests at heart.

I even registered as a Republican when I first registered to vote, I think in 1971. Though I shortly thereafter realized I was not happy being registered as a Republican, and changed my registration to an independent voter (no political party), and then shortly after that as a Democrat.

Even though my father had been a Democrat and had greatly admired FDR and Truman (he knew hardship during the Great Depression), and was strongly against Goldwater in 1964, he was very strongly against McGovern in 1972, and I was not able to go against him in that regard, and unfortunately voted for Nixon that year. My dad had served in the Navy during World War II (and had actually wanted to be in the Marines), and was offended by young people not willing to serve their country during the Vietnam War.

I became a Christian in my early 20's because it seemed to make sense to me. (Actually I had gone to church and Sunday School when I was younger, and a two-year confirmation class when I was in junior high, but at the time the real lesson about Christianity did not really "take" for me.) For a time it seemed to make sense to believe that the Bible might actually be God's authoritative "Word".

However I found that I had some serious problems as a young man, including problems with my relationship with my dad among other things.

As far as Christianity was concerned, I could never accept the idea of people going to hell if they did not "accept Christ" in this lifetime, for whatever reason. I became a more "mainstream" Christian; I went to Presbyterian, Methodist, and Lutheran churches which were not "fundamentalist", though I was in some groups with Christians who were of fundamentalist persuasion.

Over a period of time, with a number of episodes which happened starting in my early 20's, I came to realize that I had some serious problems in my relationship with my dad. He would decide in Godlike fashion that I needed, "for my own good", to be "lovingly" rebuked (actually treated like I had committed a crime or a heinous sin) when I made an honest mistake, honestly forgot something, or something was not according to his standards. And he was often especially poor at understanding, from my point of view, some difficult or sensitive personal issue which was causing me to be upset.

And I also had some problems at some of my early jobs. I badly screwed up on an assignment at my very first full-time job, and was not able to deal with the matter, and being chewed out by my boss, in a way that I was able to keep my dignity and self-respect.

My dad always worked very hard, and was "successful" (relatively speaking) in a worldly sense, and it seemed I could never measure up to his standards about working hard. I found that even if I was not going to outwardly rebel against him, I had a lot of inner rebellion which messed things up for me. I had a hard time at some of my early jobs.

It was about a little over a year after my father died, in the mid-1980's, when I was in my mid-30's, that I came to fully realize how angry I still was at my dad, and that he had been at times actually abusive. I.e. it was not just something wrong with me that I had problems with him (and a lot of anger, which spilled over into other areas of my life). That was a healthy realization for me.

I struggled with my anger about my dad for a long time, and was in much therapy, both individual and group therapy.

Along with realization that my dad had at times been abusive, I also came to realize that being a Christian (and supposedly having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ), had not been of help to me in enabling me to deal with my problems with my dad, and with other problems that I had. I eventually came to part company with the Christian faith, and feel as certain as I do of anything that that was the right thing for me to do.

There have been many very beneficial results in my life of having come to realize that my dad actually was at times abusive (i.e. my problems with him were not just something wrong with me.) I have become much less uptight, and much more certain about my own values, and much better in being able to deal with other people. And I have done some things that I had long wanted to do, both personally and professionally. (Though I have had, and still have problems, but to a lesser degree than I used to.) And I find that I am definitely "liberal" rather than "conservative", and much less aligning with authority than I used to be.

Making decisions is generally stressful. (This means, for most people, it's literally HARD to be the leader, because you have to make the decisions AND bear responsibility for the results for everyone, not just yourself. Of course, it wouldn't be nearly so hard for psychopaths.)

That is definitely true. I had a very hard time making some of my own decisions when I was a younger man. My dad was very strong and decisive, and I was often intimidated by him. (He eventually became president of a mid-sized electric utility company before he died, but was often very personally insensitive, though I don't think he was a total psychopath. He did do many very good things and very nice things, and when he was in a good mood he could be quite pleasant.) I have been much better at making my own decisions since coming to realize the truth about my dad.

Though I don't think I could myself ever be a leader or a boss, and make decisions and bear responsibility for the results of others. That is not for everyone. One thing that is very healthy is realizing my own strengths and my own weaknesses and limitations.