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Reply #70: I'm a proud mother of a gay 21 year old son [View All]

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BirminghamExaminer Donating Member (943 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-26-09 10:55 PM
Response to Reply #29
70. I'm a proud mother of a gay 21 year old son
My son came out to me when he was 16. I had suspected he might be gay for many years but then he had had a girlfriend for about 9 months so I thought I'd been wrong. He sent me an email and told me he knew that we (my husband and I) were good liberals and yada yada yada but he was afraid to actually speak to me in person. The first thing I did was go upstairs and call him downstairs and hug him. I told him that I loved him and that his being gay was just one facet of who he is and that I was glad he told me about it.

My only concern has been that his life might be slightly more difficult than it would be if he weren't gay. But I have told him that I am happy to have a gay son and I mean that.

I think you did okay. The main thing is that she knows you love her and don't think differently about her. She is still your "pumpkinseed" (I think that's what you called her).

She is the same person she always was and the person that you have loved all of her life. That won't change and that's the main thing she needs to know. She does need to know that you will do whatever you can to support her and that if she has questions you can't answer, you will help her find the answers.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Let yourself feel the things you're going to feel. You will worry about it just as you will worry when she goes to get her driver's license. It's a normal part of being a parent. Don't deny your feelings to yourself at least. You don't have to tell her what your worries are, but you need to talk to someone about them. That is where PFLAG can be useful if you don't know other parents and family of gay children.

She is only 12 years old so I wouldn't be worrying about marriage and children at this point. My main concern for my son is the possibility of him being a victim of a hate crime. And I think the chances of that happening are pretty slim but just like when my children were little, I worried about them being kidnapped and so I think it's natural to worry about the worst case scenario.

I hope you will get involved in PFLAG and HRC (human rights campaign). Both are excellent organizations that seek to educate the public. I wrote an article recently about the AFA (American Family Association is a fundamentalist group) boycotting some companies because they support their LGBT employees and customers and I hope you will read that and buy Pepsi :)

AFA boycotts Pepsi for donating to Straight for Equality

There is a link in my bio (up by my picture if you go to the article) to my email address if you want to talk more about your feelings concerning your daughter. I know what you're going through and would be glad to talk with you about it.

Karen Harper
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  -Need a little advice, or to know if I did ok. Please read, it's important to me. Mother Of Four  Jan-26-09 01:52 PM   #0 
  - You did OK ...  meegbear   Jan-26-09 01:56 PM   #1 
  - on an unrelated note... i love this  La Lioness Priyanka   Jan-26-09 07:35 PM   #55 
  - You're wonderful  Tangerine LaBamba   Jan-26-09 01:56 PM   #2 
  - You said exactly the right things!  CaliforniaPeggy   Jan-26-09 01:57 PM   #3 
  - I wish you were my mother...  Jankyn   Jan-26-09 01:59 PM   #4 
  - I'm so sorry she said that to you-  Mother Of Four   Jan-26-09 05:55 PM   #28 
  - I think you did a really good job...I just hope that if it turns out that  movonne   Jan-26-09 02:01 PM   #5 
  - You were super. I think it's wonderful that you have  babylonsister   Jan-26-09 02:02 PM   #6 
  - I do think you screwed up some  LostinVA   Jan-26-09 02:03 PM   #7 
  - It is an honest OP-  Mother Of Four   Jan-26-09 02:08 PM   #9 
  - Shhhhhh  LostinVA   Jan-26-09 02:20 PM   #11 
  - We were making some chocolate chip oatmeal cookies this afternoon-  Mother Of Four   Jan-26-09 06:09 PM   #29 
     - fantastic! Youth. And sh'es right, it will not stay like that!  robinlynne   Jan-26-09 06:39 PM   #45 
     - I'm a proud mother of a gay 21 year old son  BirminghamExaminer   Jan-26-09 10:55 PM   #70 
  - You will have a lifetime to talk to your daughter about this  lunatica   Jan-26-09 02:22 PM   #12 
  - When my daughter came out, I told her that I loved her  murielm99   Jan-26-09 03:22 PM   #13 
  - There used to be a national chapter of PFLAG that "met" online  brazenlyliberal   Jan-26-09 05:33 PM   #25 
  - As a proud member of my local PFLAG ..  Maat   Jan-26-09 06:37 PM   #42 
  - I disagree. I think you did beautifully all the way around. What you said you are  robinlynne   Jan-26-09 04:08 PM   #18 
  - Thank you.  Mother Of Four   Jan-26-09 06:10 PM   #30 
  - I was giving her my experience of having the same thing said to me at the same age  LostinVA   Jan-26-09 06:17 PM   #33 
  - I appreciated it too-  Mother Of Four   Jan-26-09 06:27 PM   #38 
  - Even if you think you could have scared her - parents arent perfect.  Duende azul   Jan-26-09 08:40 PM   #61 
  - I think you allowed open dialog. That counts for a lot. Kids can sense when we are not "real".  FedUpWithIt All   Jan-26-09 09:09 PM   #66 
  - again, I do not think she screwed up some. I think she was honest. You are assuming that  robinlynne   Jan-26-09 06:37 PM   #43 
     - Eh. I remember when people used to 'honestly' discuss their worries about interracial marriage.  readmoreoften   Jan-26-09 06:49 PM   #48 
        - And we discuss those concerns with our hetero preteen daughters.  FedUpWithIt All   Jan-26-09 09:00 PM   #65 
        - oh. I don't know. My mother sat me down and talked about pregnancy and  robinlynne   Jan-26-09 10:30 PM   #68 
  - No, I think LostinVA is right  HarukaTheTrophyWife   Jan-26-09 06:22 PM   #35 
  - I remember at her age being insane about girls. But it was a phase  roguevalley   Jan-26-09 04:39 PM   #21 
     - Heh. I liked boys in my childhood. That was a phase for me.  readmoreoften   Jan-26-09 06:16 PM   #32 
  - everyone is correct, it may help her also to look at the  grannie4peace   Jan-26-09 02:07 PM   #8 
  - Good point about looking at other cultures. But there really isn't a decision to be made.  readmoreoften   Jan-26-09 06:52 PM   #49 
     - not for decisions but so she can see that different people deal with each  grannie4peace   Jan-27-09 01:28 PM   #78 
  - You were and are fabulous!  lunatica   Jan-26-09 02:16 PM   #10 
  - K&R  CaliforniaPeggy   Jan-26-09 03:27 PM   #14 
  - My daughter is two, right now.  Maine-ah   Jan-26-09 03:32 PM   #15 
  - As the mother of a gay son who came out to us when he was 16,  mnhtnbb   Jan-26-09 03:50 PM   #16 
  - She started puberty at 10-  Mother Of Four   Jan-26-09 06:22 PM   #36 
  - Your answers were exactly right  ayeshahaqqiqa   Jan-26-09 03:52 PM   #17 
  - You did beautiful, just beautiful, MofF.  Mnemosyne    Jan-26-09 04:13 PM   #19 
  - Wow. You are a great Mom, and I think that whatever the ultimate  BrklynLiberal   Jan-26-09 04:35 PM   #20 
  - It sounds like what you said was helpful to your daughter, but ...  surrealAmerican   Jan-26-09 04:44 PM   #22 
  - you were really great  noiretextatique   Jan-26-09 05:03 PM   #23 
  - I got goosebumps when I read your story...  pipi_k   Jan-26-09 05:15 PM   #24 
  - You done good  madokie   Jan-26-09 05:42 PM   #26 
  - The Exact Same Thing happened to me 28 years ago...  chollybocker   Jan-26-09 05:49 PM   #27 
  - The only real thing I've noticed so far  Mother Of Four   Jan-26-09 06:14 PM   #31 
  - I think you did great  proud patriot   Jan-26-09 06:17 PM   #34 
  - You handled it a whole lot better than I ever could have  slackmaster   Jan-26-09 06:26 PM   #37 
  - You did great letting your daughter know  MsTryska   Jan-26-09 06:31 PM   #39 
  - It took my sister 30 yrs to come out to me & the rest of the family.  baldguy   Jan-26-09 06:35 PM   #40 
  - My love to both of you n/t  Xipe Totec   Jan-26-09 06:36 PM   #41 
  - You are a fantastic Parent!!!!!! n/t  8 track mind   Jan-26-09 06:38 PM   #44 
  - I think you did really well. But instead of focusing on our lack of rights, you could show her all  readmoreoften   Jan-26-09 06:44 PM   #46 
  - Yeah, my mom's "concerns about other people" were really her own concerns projected  Creideiki   Jan-26-09 08:17 PM   #59 
  - You did well  dsc   Jan-26-09 06:47 PM   #47 
  - My sense is that  bluedawg12   Jan-26-09 06:54 PM   #50 
  - I think you did amazingly well. But...  Zuiderelle   Jan-26-09 06:56 PM   #51 
  - If there were more moms who were as loving, supportive, and honest with their  bertman   Jan-26-09 06:59 PM   #52 
  - I was a social worker  childslibrarian   Jan-26-09 07:27 PM   #53 
  - you did well, much better than most parents. i just wouldnt scare my child  La Lioness Priyanka   Jan-26-09 07:34 PM   #54 
  - You did very good. Your daughter's lucky to have you.  Stinky The Clown   Jan-26-09 07:41 PM   #56 
  - I think you did great.  tbyg52   Jan-26-09 07:52 PM   #57 
  - That was lovely of you!  lightningandsnow   Jan-26-09 07:57 PM   #58 
  - Really nice job, Mother Of Four!  calimary   Jan-26-09 08:26 PM   #60 
  - You are a great mom.  Aurora Borealis   Jan-26-09 08:51 PM   #62 
  - Oh...  FedUpWithIt All   Jan-26-09 08:55 PM   #63 
  - Don't beat yourself up. Sounds to me like you did fine.  JerseygirlCT   Jan-26-09 08:56 PM   #64 
  - This is where I'm supposed to write that you did the right thing?  minnesota_liberal   Jan-26-09 09:10 PM   #67 
  - I think you did as well as anyone could.  DarkTirade   Jan-26-09 10:44 PM   #69 
  - As long as she knows you love her all will be fine  Blue Dog Dominion   Jan-26-09 10:57 PM   #71 
  - BRAVO!  elleng   Jan-26-09 11:10 PM   #72 
  - OMG, I wish there were more parents like you in this world.  Jamastiene   Jan-27-09 12:05 AM   #73 
  - Hey Mom, you did a great job  JulieRB   Jan-27-09 12:14 AM   #74 
  - :)))))  BlooInBloo   Jan-27-09 12:41 AM   #75 
  - Fantastic response -- you rock, mom!  fortyfeetunder   Jan-27-09 12:57 AM   #76 
  - I be a witness!!  Karenina   Jan-27-09 03:02 PM   #79 
  - I think that you have one girl who is VERY proud of her Mom  intaglio   Jan-27-09 12:41 PM   #77 
 

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