You are viewing an obsolete version of the DU website which is no longer supported by the Administrators. Visit The New DU.
Democratic Underground Latest Greatest Lobby Journals Search Options Help Login

Reply #68: well, hopefully it is a little more nuanced and helpful than just "get over it" [View All]

Printer-friendly format Printer-friendly format
Printer-friendly format Email this thread to a friend
Printer-friendly format Bookmark this thread
This topic is archived.
Home » Discuss » Archives » General Discussion (1/22-2007 thru 12/14/2010) Donate to DU
pitohui Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jul-29-07 04:23 PM
Response to Reply #55
68. well, hopefully it is a little more nuanced and helpful than just "get over it"
i too have noticed this:

The one thing I have noticed over time is that the periods of old re-activated pain and rage become a lot shorter. I find that I no longer obsess over the past for weeks at a time, and this was NOT true even 20 years ago, which itself was 20 years after the fact. The INTENSITY may be the same, but the DURATION isn't even close to the same. It's a fairly brief burst of anger now. When I get done typing this note, I'll most likely start thinking about something completely unrelated, or doing something more relevant to my life in the present. I won't dig out my old journals (again!) and spend the rest of the day and the rest of tomorrow obsessing over the past.

as you say, the flashbacks of pain do have intensity, and apparently they always will, but there is enormous positive value in the fact that the flashbacks don't have the same duration -- a brief short pain is not incapacitating, it can even be empowering if it inspires us to do something useful -- the thing is, i think there are things we can do that we don't have to wait 20 yrs or 40 yrs for the pain to be at a reasonable level, we are not such long-lived species that we shouldn't try to shorten this process somehow

unfortunately i think much of the thrust of recent therapy and recent culture is such that it actually prolongs people's pain and anguish, a wound can't heal if you keep scratching at it

you state: It is NOT the culture! What you don't appear to understand is that the tendency to endlessly re-live the past, to obsess over old traumas, is in and of itself one of the consequences of those traumas! That is PART of the damage, a big part of it, in fact.

well, could be, but i'm not so sure, in my life i've observed an enormous change in what is expected of victims -- bearing in mind that i was raised partly in appalachia and there was still perhaps an out-dated attitude of the strong person doesn't whine, the strong person doesn't show pain, and so on -- and then the wider culture went almost entirely toward the confessional culture of showing one's wounds, showing one's pain, and honestly -- it is crystal clear to me that the culture has changed in how we encouraged to deal with our pain

i look at a person like my husband, who has a near total memory loss of several years of his childhood, and quite frankly, he's about a million times healthier than some of our friends who became actively involved in recovering their memories, confronting their abusers, etc.

"get over it" is not helpful without useful help on HOW to get over it, clearly, but the older i get the more i'm inclined toward abe lincoln's view: the secret to happiness, ma'am, is having a bad memory
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
  -My life as a useless eater undergroundpanther  Jul-28-07 11:25 PM   #0 
  - May I please just say  Lindsay   Jul-28-07 11:44 PM   #1 
  - Hugs back to ya!  undergroundpanther   Jul-29-07 12:14 AM   #6 
  - This is truely beautiful and brilliant thinking.  Gregorian   Jul-28-07 11:47 PM   #2 
  - Gregorian I always have respected you too you know..  undergroundpanther   Jul-29-07 12:28 AM   #9 
  - We can't compare suffering. We only lose each other doing that.  bobbolink   Jul-29-07 03:08 PM   #56 
     - This is true  undergroundpanther   Jul-29-07 06:58 PM   #77 
        - "But they have the same effects on humans that can love ..pain."  bobbolink   Jul-31-07 12:52 PM   #119 
  - Thank you for this post.  Sarah Ibarruri   Jul-28-07 11:49 PM   #3 
  - You see much better when you are looking from the bottom to the  Stargazer99   Jul-29-07 12:06 AM   #4 
  - And it's not just republicans  undergroundpanther   Jul-29-07 12:25 AM   #8 
     - Who is greedy though?  hfojvt   Jul-29-07 03:35 PM   #59 
     - THANK YOU! It exists with DU, with "liberals", and with "aware"  bobbolink   Jul-29-07 03:45 PM   #60 
     - "I understand poverty because I was broke in grad school" syndrome  thecatburgler   Jul-30-07 12:39 AM   #96 
  - Com on monitor my reply ain't that bad  Stargazer99   Jul-29-07 12:09 AM   #5 
  - K&R  burrowowl   Jul-29-07 12:20 AM   #7 
  - Moving and powerful...  madfloridian   Jul-29-07 12:28 AM   #10 
  - I, too, was bullied incessantly as a child and suffered emotional abuse at  Lorien   Jul-29-07 01:06 AM   #11 
  - "Liberals" have just as much fear. They just aren't honest about it.  bobbolink   Jul-29-07 03:46 PM   #61 
     - Yes  undergroundpanther   Jul-29-07 07:01 PM   #80 
  - Makes me who I am...  Anser   Jul-29-07 01:25 AM   #12 
  - "how much is enough for one person to have?"  IChing   Jul-29-07 01:36 AM   #13 
  - Love the Iching  undergroundpanther   Jul-29-07 02:34 PM   #49 
  - group hug~!  NuttyFluffers   Jul-29-07 04:39 AM   #14 
  - Favorite quote by Lao Tzu  lapislzi   Jul-29-07 06:37 AM   #15 
  - We all do  undergroundpanther   Jul-29-07 02:40 PM   #52 
  - I couldn't read it all.  formercia   Jul-29-07 07:42 AM   #16 
  - Me too! Welcome to my FORMER was hell! nt  caledesi   Jul-30-07 10:11 AM   #101 
  - You're one of our shining stars.  The Backlash Cometh   Jul-29-07 07:53 AM   #17 
  - Blaming it on the "right wing" insures its continuance.  bobbolink   Jul-29-07 03:51 PM   #62 
     - You've got to identify the source, first. And the Liberals haven't been  The Backlash Cometh   Jul-29-07 05:09 PM   #74 
     - Liberals have hurt poor people just as much!  bobbolink   Jul-30-07 09:56 PM   #104 
        - I guess I cannot agree with you because my experience was so  The Backlash Cometh   Jul-31-07 04:39 AM   #112 
           - Experience makes a world of difference.  bobbolink   Jul-31-07 12:21 PM   #114 
              - Keep fighting.  The Backlash Cometh   Jul-31-07 01:24 PM   #120 
              - I, personally, have nothing left to fight with.  bobbolink   Jul-31-07 05:19 PM   #124 
                 - I know what you mean.  The Backlash Cometh   Jul-31-07 05:28 PM   #125 
                    - .  bobbolink   Jul-31-07 08:37 PM   #127 
              - Poverty will become more and more of an issue  tsegat01   Jul-31-07 09:29 PM   #129 
                 - And if that's what it takes, many of us won't feel too much for them.  bobbolink   Aug-01-07 03:32 PM   #130 
                    - True  tsegat01   Aug-01-07 07:56 PM   #131 
                       - Thank you so very much, tsegat01!! I'm very down now about the lack of liberal  bobbolink   Aug-01-07 08:02 PM   #132 
                       - Your welcome  tsegat01   Aug-01-07 10:37 PM   #137 
                       - Welcome to DU, tsegat01!  bobbolink   Aug-01-07 08:07 PM   #133 
                       - Not really new....  tsegat01   Aug-01-07 10:41 PM   #138 
                       - Could you tell me where that "class warfare" thread is? I don't see it.  bobbolink   Aug-01-07 08:33 PM   #134 
                          - War!!!!  tsegat01   Aug-01-07 10:09 PM   #136 
     - True bobbolink  undergroundpanther   Jul-29-07 07:04 PM   #81 
        - Toxic is toxic, and still hurts.  bobbolink   Jul-30-07 09:55 PM   #103 
        - Hurt and damage is hurt and damage.  bobbolink   Jul-31-07 12:22 PM   #115 
  - What a touching post, undergroundpanther. Calling our emotional desensitization like it is.  JudyM   Jul-29-07 08:35 AM   #18 
  - Thank you for sharing your story.  mithnanthy   Jul-29-07 08:57 AM   #19 
  - I was raised like this too....  TwoSparkles   Jul-29-07 10:01 AM   #20 
  - Children of the Universe  tsegat01   Jul-30-07 03:53 AM   #99 
     - Thank you for your post...  TwoSparkles   Jul-30-07 11:33 PM   #105 
        - I'm glad I didn't offend you  tsegat01   Jul-31-07 03:23 AM   #110 
           - Thank you for your...  TwoSparkles   Jul-31-07 06:00 PM   #126 
              - You nailed it!  tsegat01   Jul-31-07 09:12 PM   #128 
  - Best post I've read in ages  LiberalEsto   Jul-29-07 10:07 AM   #21 
  - I agree Liberal.  shance   Jul-29-07 11:32 AM   #31 
  - There is history behind the useless eater  undergroundpanther   Jul-29-07 12:13 PM   #33 
  - I feel for you Panther. You should have raised yourself like I did.  lonestarnot   Jul-29-07 10:09 AM   #22 
  - Good morning with a hug  eleny   Jul-29-07 10:10 AM   #23 
  - Hug back at cha With a puurr  undergroundpanther   Jul-29-07 02:24 PM   #46 
     - Storms can have that effect  eleny   Jul-29-07 02:38 PM   #51 
  - Very insightful  JNelson6563   Jul-29-07 10:47 AM   #24 
  - Certain people NEED to read this. K+R  RedCappedBandit   Jul-29-07 10:52 AM   #25 
  - Thank you for sharing this. n/t  lumberjack_jeff   Jul-29-07 10:54 AM   #26 
  - So many of us are with you Underground panther, God bless.  1620rock   Jul-29-07 11:24 AM   #29 
  - "A useless eater"?  annabanana   Jul-29-07 11:06 AM   #27 
  - I put "upstanding" in quotes  undergroundpanther   Jul-29-07 12:17 PM   #34 
  - "Worthless Eaters" is libertarian kook-speak.  AX10   Jul-29-07 11:16 AM   #28 
  - Libertarians didn't invent the phrase  undergroundpanther   Jul-29-07 02:10 PM   #45 
  - UP*** My words are trivial when reading yours.  shance   Jul-29-07 11:30 AM   #30 
  - Henry Kissinger  undergroundpanther   Jul-29-07 02:29 PM   #47 
  - Thank you for taking the time to write what you did.  broadcaster   Jul-29-07 11:47 AM   #32 
  - It's sad  undergroundpanther   Jul-29-07 01:00 PM   #36 
  - That is the most amazing post I've ever read. It truly gets to the heart of the matter.  NotGivingUp   Jul-29-07 12:22 PM   #35 
  - How I wish  undergroundpanther   Jul-29-07 01:17 PM   #38 
     - We are your tribe  LiberalEsto   Jul-29-07 01:48 PM   #41 
     - I know  undergroundpanther   Jul-29-07 01:56 PM   #43 
        - I sometimes dream of that place....  marions ghost   Jul-29-07 04:59 PM   #72 
     - There truly is NO place, NO refuge, NO asshole-free zone, NO tribe  bobbolink   Jul-29-07 04:04 PM   #64 
        - Generations of social conditioning.  undergroundpanther   Jul-29-07 07:16 PM   #82 
           - "It begins and ends with each of us."  bobbolink   Jul-30-07 09:54 PM   #102 
  - there has got to be some balance somewhere  pitohui   Jul-29-07 01:15 PM   #37 
  - There is no such thing as balance  undergroundpanther   Jul-29-07 01:37 PM   #40 
  - i think you need professional help and you can't get it on the internet  pitohui   Jul-29-07 04:31 PM   #69 
     - Well  undergroundpanther   Jul-29-07 07:25 PM   #84 
  - Excuse me, but isn't this basically a more tactful way of saying  Raksha   Jul-29-07 03:06 PM   #55 
  - well, hopefully it is a little more nuanced and helpful than just "get over it"  pitohui   Jul-29-07 04:23 PM   #68 
  - I agree that waiting 20-40 years just to shorten the duration  Raksha   Jul-29-07 07:00 PM   #79 
  - Fortunate comfortable people  undergroundpanther   Jul-29-07 07:46 PM   #87 
  - And so....a few questions...  marions ghost   Jul-29-07 07:36 PM   #86 
     - Good questions Marion's  undergroundpanther   Jul-29-07 09:30 PM   #89 
        - your strength over extreme abuse is obvious  marions ghost   Jul-30-07 09:04 AM   #100 
  - One of my best friends in my life was a woman who could only be described as an antiJewish princess  truedelphi   Jul-29-07 11:56 PM   #95 
     - It's hard to respond, because even your few kind words triggered it all  Raksha   Jul-30-07 01:35 AM   #97 
        - Ahh Another Gnostic Pagan!  undergroundpanther   Jul-31-07 12:45 AM   #106 
           - I thought you already knew that! Haven't I dropped enough hints?  Raksha   Jul-31-07 03:40 AM   #111 
              - light dawns on marble head...  undergroundpanther   Jul-31-07 02:22 PM   #121 
                 - Give him half a chance, and Ialdabaoth will getcha every time!  Raksha   Jul-31-07 02:47 PM   #122 
  - Thank you for showing your true self.  bobbolink   Jul-29-07 04:07 PM   #66 
  - enabling isn't compassion, enabling is helping to steal the person's one and only life  pitohui   Jul-29-07 04:33 PM   #70 
     - Tough love is bullshit  undergroundpanther   Jul-29-07 08:12 PM   #88 
     - You have said that exactly right!  bobbolink   Jul-31-07 12:41 PM   #118 
     - Pitohui you are obviously threatened by the honesty of this post.  shance   Jul-31-07 02:50 AM   #109 
  - K&R  LWolf   Jul-29-07 05:09 PM   #73 
  - And there is the truth: there is no love for their fellow humans.  knitter4democracy   Jul-29-07 01:21 PM   #39 
  - Knitter I love you, I love  undergroundpanther   Jul-29-07 01:50 PM   #42 
  - As Keats wrote: Beauty is truth, truth beauty.  knitter4democracy   Jul-29-07 02:36 PM   #50 
  - I forgot to say..  undergroundpanther   Jul-29-07 02:04 PM   #44 
     - Good point. My h.s. psych teacher once told us never to marry cat haters.  knitter4democracy   Jul-29-07 02:34 PM   #48 
        - My ex  undergroundpanther   Jul-29-07 02:55 PM   #53 
           - MIL would never listen to me.  knitter4democracy   Jul-29-07 03:01 PM   #54 
  - Thank you so very much for sharing this with us!  bobbolink   Jul-29-07 03:23 PM   #57 
  - read post number #40  pitohui   Jul-29-07 04:37 PM   #71 
  - why should I tolerate a bully?  undergroundpanther   Jul-29-07 09:54 PM   #90 
  - The term I used to use about myself was "throwaway person"  Raksha   Jul-29-07 07:23 PM   #83 
  - I'm so sorry you have been treated so badly that you felt like that!  bobbolink   Jul-31-07 12:32 PM   #116 
  - You have stated this so eloquently... would you allow me to share this with some others?  bobbolink   Jul-31-07 12:36 PM   #117 
     - Thank you, Bobolink. I was wondering when or if anyone  Raksha   Aug-03-07 02:56 AM   #141 
  - Bobolink  undergroundpanther   Jul-29-07 07:34 PM   #85 
  - The health effects and psychiatric injury of bullying  bobbolink   Jul-29-07 03:26 PM   #58 
  - Tim Feild's site is awesome!  undergroundpanther   Jul-29-07 09:58 PM   #91 
     - somehow I missed this post of yours --- that site has helped me so much!  bobbolink   Aug-01-07 08:51 PM   #135 
  - Amazing!  tsegat01   Jul-29-07 03:59 PM   #63 
  - Hugs, Panther  Crisco   Jul-29-07 04:05 PM   #65 
  - K&R double time  camero   Jul-29-07 04:15 PM   #67 
  - wow!  Duppers   Jul-29-07 05:40 PM   #75 
  - commenting so I can find later  gaspee   Jul-29-07 06:22 PM   #76 
  - ttt nt  Blue_Tires   Jul-29-07 07:00 PM   #78 
  - sometimes hard work can be a much-needed refuge from unhappiness...  NorthernSpy   Jul-29-07 10:38 PM   #92 
  - omg what a hell of a life you've endured, Underground Panther  blondie58   Jul-29-07 11:01 PM   #93 
  - A world of so many levels, only an insane person could follow it  Hydra   Jul-29-07 11:42 PM   #94 
  - How does our happiness and prosperity hurt these people?  undergroundpanther   Jul-31-07 01:29 AM   #107 
  - Kicking  Artiechoke   Jul-30-07 03:53 AM   #98 
  - Almost didn't read this - the "useless eater" just led to the obvious "of course not n/t" response.  ConsAreLiars   Jul-31-07 01:35 AM   #108 
  - I Don't Know What To Say Panther, Except That I Care  Dinger   Jul-31-07 05:13 AM   #113 
  - You are such a good person...  Juniperx   Jul-31-07 03:10 PM   #123 
  - bumping this back up.... because.....  bobbolink   Aug-03-07 01:23 AM   #139 
  - Why do homeless people get their shopping carts confiscated  Raksha   Aug-03-07 03:18 AM   #142 
     - Why? Mostly because we all let it happen.  bobbolink   Aug-03-07 10:26 AM   #143 
  - Wow. Undergroundpanther, thank-you for one of the most moving and  nosmokes   Aug-03-07 02:42 AM   #140 

Home » Discuss » Archives » General Discussion (1/22-2007 thru 12/14/2010) Donate to DU

Powered by DCForum+ Version 1.1 Copyright 1997-2002
Software has been extensively modified by the DU administrators

Important Notices: By participating on this discussion board, visitors agree to abide by the rules outlined on our Rules page. Messages posted on the Democratic Underground Discussion Forums are the opinions of the individuals who post them, and do not necessarily represent the opinions of Democratic Underground, LLC.

Home  |  Discussion Forums  |  Journals |  Store  |  Donate

About DU  |  Contact Us  |  Privacy Policy

Got a message for Democratic Underground? Click here to send us a message.

© 2001 - 2011 Democratic Underground, LLC