Reply #10: You're a very nice person

[lukasahero]

I gave you an out in my last response and you didn't even take it. I told my husband I cried when I saw how quickly you wrote back to me. I can't tell you honestly how much it means to me.

I know what my husband is doing (I would be doing the same thing 'cuz I'm a little bit like a guy in that respect) but it was funny to read you say it.

I haven't really told any of my friends about this yet. I told one, she's a nurse so in a way it's good and in another way it's not. She's kind of clinical about it. My whole family is a little 'closed' emotionally. (We're of English descent, if you get that inference...) It's not that we don't feel, it's that we don't share the tough stuff too well. And I'm the most stoic of the family (I take after my dad, not my mom - which presents it's own issues to deal with as I'm losing the only ally in the family I ever had...)

(Good grief, that whole bit wasn't supposed to come out... This is all quite complicated.)

I have to give my mom credit about the food - she's really trying to 'spice' things up a bit. My dad loves food - always has - used to start planning lunch during breakfast! My mom, not so much. But she's trying to give him all the stuff he used to love. It's kind of heartbreaking because I think we all know what she's doing and it's sweet and sad at the same time. I'm going down to RI tomorrow and I'll make him some scallops (I'm the only one besides him who eats them so I'm the only one who knows how to cook them...) Yesterday he decided he wanted a frappe (RI for an ice cream milk shake) so mom made him one last night. She's trying so hard to give him a taste of everything he loved in life (and I just had another breakdown just writing that...)

In case I didn't mention, my dad was the best dad in the world - he always had time for us, and he never expected me to be anything other than who I was. He encouraged me to pursue my dreams, his example of what a good man is is the reason I was able to leave my abusive first husband. He used to write me 'letters' offering guidance and support through life's transitions and he is and will always be my hero.

So the weather isn't really working in our favor - but I'm making him a slide show of my garden. I'll make a dvd for us to watch together tomorrow. Memories of spring and flowers. It's so crushing he'll never see that again.

Anyway, Jan and I are going out for dinner tonight (that's my husband) so I should collect myself and feed the dog. I'll take your advice about hooking up with some of my girlfriends. I'm good friends with my neighbor (we have puppy play dates every night after work) and he's been a good listener too but I think dinner and drinks with my friend Melissa might be in order... In the meantime, thanks so much for listening. This has helped in ways I couldn't have imagined. You are good person. Thank you.