LINGUISTS FROM PLUTO RETURN HOME, MISSION UNACCOMPLISHED

[saltpoint]

They had been summoned, this highly regarded team of linguists, from the remote outposts of the Milky Way -- the far destinations of space -- from Pluto itself, not because they got a package deal from their travel agent to see the cherry blossoms in Washington, but because their skills were urgently required: intergalactic linguists of the Most High Order, they had been asked to the American capital to decipher the remarks made by George W. Bush today at Johns Hopkins University.

Soon into their assignment, however, it became clear that not all problems lend themselves to even inestimable genius.

After several hours of trying to crack the code, they threw their hands up in despair and begged to be taken to Andrews Air Force Base, where their intergalactic craft awaited their re-boarding and return. Three of the linguists openly wept; two others asked for grocery bags to place over their heads.

The Pluto team had assembled in one of the large conference rooms of the Washington Hyatt, and by all counts were in top spirits when the session began. Yet quite early into their deliberations, it was clear the President Bush's remarks were so obtuse, so mechanically erratic, so utterly void of content, frequently deceitful, and so grammatically cubist, that even this sterling and universally acclaimed linguistic team of experts found any reasonble translation an insurmountable task.

"We have no idea in hell what he meant to say," said a spokesman for the team. "We're completely stupefied, frankly. There seem to be fragments of English, but unlike that language, the president's comments do not appear to correspond with any traditional or translatable grid. It's 95% unreferenced babble. So good luck to your earthly media outlets who have to make sense of it. We're outta here."

And under protective security motorcade, the team was escorted to Andrews, where they turned and waved one more time to on-lookers and various tarmac personnel before the craft launched and carried them back to Pluto.