Reply #15: The most important things IMO

[Eloriel]

are to

(a) help her have maximum self-esteem. I think that means never shaming her even a little, never humiliating her even a little, always listening to her with full attention, and always lighting up when you see her come into the room.

I don't think you can TALK her into having self-esteem ("My, how pretty you look today," or "What a smart girl you are") and in fact, don't ever pin her "value" or your approval to any performance by her. (We are human "beings" not human "doings.") Author John Bradshaw, makes the distinction between "situational self-esteem" versus core self-esteem. With situational self-esteem, it's entirely dependent on what you've done or accomplished, and too often, other people's attitudes and beliefs and responses to you. There is not enough situational self-esteem in the world to do the job of lacking CORE self-esteem. And not having CORE self-esteem means people will try to make do with situational self-esteem and will go around forever seeking approval that they didn't get for being just who they are -- no strings attached!! -- as infants, toddlers, and children.

"Unconditional love" is a buzzword right now and I hear a lot of people claiming they love someone unconditionally. Clue: unconditional love is not something we can achieve on the earth plane, but it IS worth striving for. It means you love the other person no matter WHAT -- no matter how ugly, no matter how bad the behavior, no matter how much they dislike or hate you, etc., etc., etc. Noo, the kind of love we're capable of as humans isn't usually THAT unconditional. But it's your job to aim for that. NOT doting, just as much love and compassion as possible, especially in those circumstances Erma Bombeck was writing about when she said, "Remember children need love most when they least deserve it."

To the extent possible, your love for her -- and her perception of your love for her -- should never be involve what she accomplishes or does, but simply who she is.

Why is self-esteem so important? It gives her a solid foundation on which to build herself for herself. It gives her the ability to say no to peers when they suggest things that aren't in her best interests. It gives her the ability to spot phonies and people who will use her. It gives her the ability to avoid being emotionally manipulated by others, whether girls who aren't capable of sharing friendship, or boys who merely want to use and abuse her, or criminal Presidents who need to be impeached. It gives her the ability to reach for what SHE wants in life, with the expectation she can achieve it. It doesn't give her the big head. Quite the contrary, it gives her the ability to be magnanimous because she doesn't need to fill up on situational self-esteem from her peers and teacers and is free to simple be who she is. And at times most important of all, it gives her the ability to say NO without guilt, regret or remorse.

Teach her to question authority, including yours and her mother's and her teachers', etc., and to be able to negotiate for herself. Of all the complaints I have about my own childhood, a chief one is that we were taught obedience, with no ability to question or "negotiate" something different. My parents were strict, but not ogres, but still as we got older we should have had the ability to negotiate for what we wanted (and NEEDED!) instead of just exhibit blind obedience. Not learning that as a life skill hampered me later, considerably.


Finally, one of the best pieces of advice -- framing, really -- I ever heard as a parent myself was that our children are "apprentice adults." Really, just thinking of them that way puts a different emphasis on the whole matter and facilitates a far more productive approach to parenting, I think. Our job is to help them learn how to be successful adults (and I don't mean material success, tho that can be included as well).

Good luck. How I envy your daughter! My dad told me, circa 1961 when I was probably a freshman in h.s., "Now, don't be too smart (in school). The boys don't like that." LOL. I knew immediately I'd have to find a better class of boy, by golly. And so I did.