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Reply #32: I had a dream yesterday [View All]

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demwing Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Feb-14-10 01:47 PM
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32. I had a dream yesterday
that Ian was alive, and needed my help - in some indeterminate, fuzzy way that can only happen in a dream. He was leading me through some dark hallways, telling me "go here" or "go there" and in the end, we managesd to accomplish whatever it was that he needed, and he gave me a hug. Then, still in the dream, he vanished, and I remembered that he had been dead for over a year. I realized that the whole endeavor had been in my imagination, and I began to cry. That's when I awoke from the dream.

Somehow, through all of that, I came away with a revelation - it is not my son's death that torments me. I feel the greatest loss I have ever felt because of that time, but that loss is not the source of the grief I still feel.

My real grief comes from watching my son die slowly, and knowing that there was nothing I could do to take away his pain. I feel like that knowledge has ripped out my sense of hope. Life is a game, and we all lose in the end, because we all die. We don't keep our money, our toys, our clothes or even our names. We get nothing from this game, and it takes everything from us. What happens in the next election is ultimately of so little importance that it might as well not happen at all. 100 years from now, or 100 * 100 years from now, our politics will be notes in a history book, or forgotten altogether, as will the details of our lives.

Why do we continue to play at a game that we are destined to lose? We should stop preparing for our future and begin preparing for our death.

The future is a mystery, death is inevitable. It is the only thing, other than birth, that every person on this planet shares. Whatever happens after death is the sum and reality of life. Do we face hell, or heaven, or reincarnation, or nothing? That is the only real question that I see worth answering.

How did I pulled this thought from that dream? I don't know. Is it the message I should have taken? I can't answer that either.

But is it the truth?
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  -I lost my son, and my self demwing  Aug-21-09 12:08 PM   #0 
  - demwing .. I don't know what to say  auntAgonist   Aug-21-09 04:14 PM   #1 
  - I would encourage everyone to read  auntAgonist   Aug-21-09 05:12 PM   #2 
  - Thank you so much  demwing   Aug-21-09 10:30 PM   #3 
     - I don't believe you'll ever get over it ... how is that possible?  auntAgonist   Aug-22-09 08:18 AM   #5 
  - Thank you for your story.  Odin2005   Aug-22-09 12:11 AM   #4 
  - thank you, Odin /nt  demwing   Aug-22-09 02:42 PM   #6 
  - demwing you always have a place to come to here in our group  livetohike   Aug-23-09 11:46 AM   #7 
  - I am so sorry, demwing.  raccoon   Aug-24-09 10:32 AM   #8 
  - Every time I look at his pictures it starts all over.  demwing   Aug-25-09 07:36 AM   #9 
     - I'm so sorry you're going  auntAgonist   Aug-25-09 07:48 AM   #10 
     - I am so sorry for your  CC   Aug-25-09 12:48 PM   #11 
     - boy do I understand that . . .  DollyM   Sep-06-09 02:29 AM   #12 
        - Dolly, I had two things helping me  demwing   Sep-21-09 03:23 PM   #13 
           - I read your web page about your son . . .  DollyM   Oct-03-09 06:35 PM   #14 
  - I hope you're doing better...  Ineeda   Oct-06-09 11:45 AM   #15 
  - I have hit on seriously hard times  demwing   Oct-15-09 10:39 PM   #16 
  - GREAT NEWS!  demwing   Nov-11-09 11:03 PM   #17 
     - Wonderful  shrike   Nov-12-09 09:06 AM   #18 
  - Today is Thanksgiving. It is also Ian's birthday.  demwing   Nov-26-09 08:02 PM   #19 
  - I've been thinking of you today, demwing.  RevCheesehead   Nov-27-09 12:45 AM   #20 
  - I know what you mean . . .  DollyM   Jan-22-10 01:28 AM   #25 
     - Dolly..  auntAgonist   Jan-23-10 09:40 AM   #26 
  - I just saw this demwing and am so sorry.  polly7   Jan-02-10 08:12 AM   #21 
  - I am so sorry.  emilyg   Jan-13-10 06:39 PM   #22 
  - 1 Year Later  demwing   Jan-21-10 01:50 PM   #23 
  - I hope that you and Jacksen find peace and hope  auntAgonist   Jan-21-10 06:50 PM   #24 
  - Demwing, Thinking of you and hoping your journey  auntAgonist   Jan-31-10 10:18 AM   #27 
  - My youngest son passed on 3 yrs ago. he was 23  Mari333   Feb-06-10 11:19 PM   #28 
  - I think of you often Mari  auntAgonist   Feb-07-10 01:41 AM   #29 
  - thanks . i dont believe in death, i think they are more alive then we are  Mari333   Feb-07-10 08:21 AM   #30 
  - Thank you.  demwing   Feb-14-10 01:09 PM   #31 
  - I had a dream yesterday  demwing   Feb-14-10 01:47 PM   #32 
  - demwing,  RevCheesehead   Feb-14-10 02:27 PM   #33 
  - I need something else  demwing   Apr-26-10 11:54 PM   #34 
  - Demwing, I understand the feeling . . .  DollyM   Apr-28-10 11:43 PM   #35 
  - no one expects you to be "healed" after a year  orleans   Apr-30-10 04:40 PM   #36 
  - Dear demwing,  tango-tee   May-02-10 01:54 AM   #37 

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